Boyfriend moving in...not moving in Part 100,000

[emma34]

So i've written a few times about my situation with my boyfriend and how i'm so torn.

He "lives" at my apartment (sleeps hre every night for past 6 months, eats here, sometimes his own food, sometimes mine, is here even when i'm not, has his own keys). We tlked about him officially moving in - and it was what he wanted. I didn't put any pressure on him, although I was really relieved because I was getting kind of sick of his free loading. We had a couple of fights about money, mainly his eating my groceries and not helping out around the house (he doesn't pay RENT!). Since then he has been better about eating my food. No moving in happened and yesterday I asked if he was still planning on it (he doesn't have any furniture here or anything and still talks as if he is living at home with his mom to others but to me calls my place home). He said that he changed his mind because he thinks if he "moved in" (even though nothing would change except for he would pay rent) we would fight too much about money (the reason we fight is because I feel that he does not contribute).

Okay so basically my problem is....the advice I keep getting is to either kick him to the curb or set boundaries for him...a la telling him he can only sleep over a couple nights a week, etc. I can't really ask him to "move in" (pay rent) because he doesn't want to.

I could say what I feel, which is that he lives here anyway, and I think he should be contributing, but I think what would happen is that he would get offended and instead of deciding to stay and pay rent, he would take the other route, and just leave, not pay rent, and not come over anymore. I feel a big fight would ensue, and I don't want that. If that was my only choice, I would rather let it lie.

While I wouldn't mind having a few evenings alone every once in awhile, I really like having him here - I don't want to discourage that or push him away.

I don't want to force him to move in, because I know he just doesn't want to pay rent....I'm so torn! I could leave things just as they are, but it just seems a bit unfair to me. What can i do?

[SweetiePie05]

Personally I think you should set boundaries. That's the problem with some guys these days, they want another mom. You are not his mom and can not pay for him, he has got to be a man (/rant). But for real I think you should set boundaries, he can not live there for free, it's not fair, especially if he's your boyfriend he should be at least helping you with groceries, no doubt about that. It is not fair at all, you need to express your feelings to him.

[NorthDallas40]

I could say what I feel, which is that he lives here anyway, and I think he should be contributing, but I think what would happen is that he would get offended and instead of deciding to stay and pay rent, he would take the other route, and just leave, not pay rent, and not come over anymore. I feel a big fight would ensue, and I don't want that. If that was my only choice, I would rather let it lie.

 

Everyone has given you the exact same advice, yet you keep on ignoring it, and asking "What can I do?"

 

I think I have the answer. Repeat this to yourself every day 100 times:

 

I AM A DOORMAT

I AM A DOORMAT

I AM A DOORMAT

I AM A DOORMAT

I AM A DOORMAT

I AM A DOORMAT

 

It may not get your bf to finally pay his way, but at least you will have accepted why he never will.

[annie24]

wow, so he's eating your food, watching your TV, using your electricity and water, and sleeping there, has keys..... and rent free! that's a sweet deal.

 

i don't know about your landlord, but mine had a contract that stated something along the lines of 'someone spending more than 7 days of the month' at your place is considered 'living together.' my landlord imposed this cut off not to annoy people who have a bf or gf spend the night on weekends, but for situations like yours - where they have kind of de facto moved in.

 

i think you need to cut way back - if he isn't willing to make it official and move in together at this point and pay half the rent, then he can only stay over 1-2 days a week, or something like that. your situation is out of control!

[NametheGame]

Seriously, buck up and tell him it's not fair to you and you expect him to contribute!

 

You say your problem is that he wants to stay over all the time but not pay rent...but the real problem is that you KNOW you have to set the boundaries or else keep getting walked over but don't want the conflict that may be involved. THERE IS GOING TO BE CONFLICT. In EVERY relationship. What is important is how you deal with it. He has to be considerate of your needs too, that's what it's about...Love is not just a feeling, it is also a verb. You have to treat the ones you love with love or it isn't really love, is it?

[eleanorrigby1]

when i first met my boyfriend I lived on my own so he used to come and stay all weekend and two nights in the week. (The only reason he didnt stay every night was because I had night college after work until late and there was no point).

 

If we went shopping together we would halve the shopping bill. However I never asked for rent or money towards the bills, even though he would have a bath when he stayed over and my gas bill increased.

 

The way i saw it, was that if I had of still lived with my parents, he would still be staying over with me sometimes and i would stay over with him and neither of us would expect the other to pay rent to our respective parents for the privilege.

 

After a year or so he suggested we move in together and get a place of our own, rather than he just move in with me because it would always feel like MY place.

 

So we rented a house together. Two years on we are still very happy.

 

I would never have thought of asking him for money when i lived in the flat because he was still the guest and i wouldnt ask my friends to give me money towards the gas bill if they had a bath or ate with me.

 

However if your boyfriend is staying every single night then he practically lives with you anyway and it sounds like although you have asked him about money and argued about it he has not done anything about it. Like he is taking the pee out of you.

 

You need to sit him down with a handful of your bills and show him what you have to pay, explain to him how much you earn each month and that your outgoings have increased since he has been staying. Let him know that you love being with him and you love that he feels comfortable in your home but that maybe you should think about renting somewhere together that could be 'ours' instead of 'mine'.

 

Open a joint bank account (keep your own personal account) and each month you both deposit the same amount into that joint account and the bills and rent come out of that account, then there are no rows, everything is split down the middle.

 

If he doesnt want to move in with you then reduce the amount of time you see him and go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend instead of being practically married.

 

Basically tell him he can stay at weekend and maybe also on a wednesday night, leaving monday, tuesday and thursday to yourself to spend with friends.

 

You both get your freedom back and you won't feel like he is living with you permanently.

 

Perhaps suggest he gives you his spare keys back for a bit while he thinks about whether or not he wants to live with you properly.

 

Try not to argue, talk about it.

 

Sooo many couples fall out and split up over money, apart from cheating its the biggest reason for marriages to fail too.

 

Dont let it become bigger than the two of you.