Together 3 years... why should this bother me?

[HellFrost666]

My girlfriend's old friend with benefits keeps texting her during the day while she's at work.

 

He lives out of state. They haven't seen each other in two years or so. Last time he came into town the two of us and some other people we know all went out with him and then he came back to our house. He kind of pissed me off that night because he kept flirting with her. She wasn't returning it. And he was flirting with every woman around. I realize now how stupid I was being.

 

They talk online at least once a week. And they talk on the phone once in a while. She's been friends with this guy for a long time... she knew him long before she ever knew me.

 

But lately he started texting her when she's at work. And when he's texting her he's at work also. I know it's idiotic of me. But it's more the change in behavior from him suddenly that annoys me. Does he suddenly feel like he can't text her at night when she's at home with me? And if so why does he feel that way?

 

It's not her I don't trust. It really isn't. I just get teritorial sometimes.

[shoppingGirl]

I don't blame you. I would feel the same way...but that's me. Other people might think your overly jealous. I dont' think you are over reacting though....another man should not be texting her everyday. If it was occasionally then that would be different, but every day is a little much. You should talk to her and tell her how this bothers you....if she loves you she will understand and try to limit the amount of contact with this guy. If it was just a friend whom she had NEVER slept with that might be different. But with her sexual history with this guy you have every right to be bothered by the excessive texting. All you can do is explain how you feel to her and go from there.

[HellFrost666]

Well it's not every day. But a few days last week they had text conversations at work and then again today.

[JadedStar]

It would bother me too Frost and I like to think I am fairly liberal. My opinion is FWB's need to be let go when you are in a committed relationship. I wouldn't be happy with my SO retaining a friendship with someone he had that kind of "friendship" with. I don't even like calling those types of relationships "friends with benefits" because they are not real friendships really. Once the sex is over there is no need to even keep up the contact.

 

Does she know how much tihs bothers you?

[HellFrost666]

^ Well actually in their case I don't think that's true. She has known him for about eight years. Out of that eight years they were sleeping together (ocasionally) for three months. They were friends before that, and stayed friends after that, then I met her.

 

I don't want to tell her who she can and can't be friends with. He lives 1000 miles away. That part of their relationship is ancient history. And up until now whenever she would talk to him on the phone it was always in my presense. (I don't know if this is a conscious decision, or if it's just s coincidence)... And whenever she talked to him online she was always open with me that that's who she was talking to.

 

She hasn't made any attempt to hide the texting from me. But it seems shady (on his part, not hers) because suddenly he's texting her when she's not home.

 

No, she doesn't know it bothers me. I don't really know how to approach her about it without sounding like a controlling ass.

 

So I guess that's my next question. How do I say it without sounding wrong?

[wurth_skidder]

The next time she tells you he texted her at work, ask her why he's texting her at work rather than later in the day. Maybe he doesn't have time at night to talk. If she doesn't know, ask her if she thinks he has alterior motives. If she says no, I'd stop worrying about it. She knows him better than you do, and if you trust her, you should trust her judgment with friends.

[HellFrost666]

^ That's actually a good point. He does have kids. Maybe at night he's just too busy with his kids to talk to her and he's just trying to keep in touch.

 

I am probably making something out of nothing.

[shoppingGirl]

You can't hold your feelings in though. She needs to know how you are feeling.

[Darkness_Falls]

Just remember that there is one good thing here, and that is that your girlfriend isn't hiding any of this. She is being honest with you, it sounds like you have a really solid relationship, which is awesome Personally, I believe that FWB can be friends. I hang out with one of my FWB sometimes and speak to him online. He is still my friend, we have both since moved on into relationships but our partners are fine with the friendship. However, I don't contact this guy everyday. I guess that does seem a bit excessive but then again... its different for different people. I used to live with my ex (boyfriend turned best friend) so I would talk to him all the time.

 

It can indeed be annoying when someone is flirting with your gf, when they know 100% that the person is in a relationship, that's pretty disrespectful. Perhaps ask your gf about this and what she thinks. Ask her calmly what she thinks of him and what he is doing and if he really does just see her as a friend. Get her to think about it and she might begin to see what you see. Tell her that you trust her 100% but you feel the guy is crossing a line.

 

The imagination is sometimes such a bad thing... you sit and think about your SO and the other person... but then you gotta just snap out of it and say "there is nothing happening behind my back". Talk to your gf and get her to talk about this guy to you and what she thinks of him.

[elizmdavis]

You can't hold your feelings in though. She needs to know how you are feeling.

 

I agree, you may feel very relieved if you just talk to her about all of this. Just like Enchanted Myst said, she is being honest with you through all of this. I think it is just as important for you to be honest with her.

[Pegasus]

You can't hold your feelings in though. She needs to know how you are feeling.

 

Exactly the opposite - she does NOT need to know how OP feels because he would come out as - insecure and loose a lot of positive points here. And we all know what women do with insecure partners. Hellfrost, keep this for yourself, remember - her interest level is only thing that counts, yours is not in question.

[shoppingGirl]

Exactly the opposite - she does NOT need to know how OP feels because he would come out as - insecure and loose a lot of positive points here. And we all know what women do with insecure partners. Hellfrost, keep this for yourself, remember - her interest level is only thing that counts, yours is not in question.

 

Ya, that will make for a healthy relationship if he holds his feelings in and pretends he is someone he is not. If you cant' be yourself with someone, what kind of a relationship is that? I would never want to hide my feelings from someone for fear of them dumping me! In a mature relationship people are open and honest. ](*,)

[Pegasus]

Ya, that will make for a healthy relationship if he holds his feelings in and pretends he is someone he is not. If you cant' be yourself with someone, what kind of a relationship is that? I would never want to hide my feelings from someone for fear of them dumping me! In a mature relationship people are open and honest. ](*,)

 

It's actually very funny that females love that "just be yourself" thing. It always makes me laugh. Just ask guys dwelling in a dating section how it works for them. You might be surprised ;-).

 

On another hand, you have a right on your opinion, I have right on mine.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Everyone who says "I trust my partner, I just don't trust the other person" is really saying they don't trust their partner.....they just don't want to entertain the notion that their partner could do something bad thereforeee they pin the blame on the other person. If you are disturbed by this guy's behaviour, you should be equally disturbed by your girlfriend's behaviour...after all, he may be contacting her at work all the time but she is responding and encouraging this so she is just as culpable. If she wasn't responding he wouldn't be doing it. The think is they were friends long before they were FWBs and their friendship is much longer than their brief sexual liason so I would doubt that there is anything sinister going on...probably just two old friends chatting. Yeah, I probably wouldn't be thrilled about it either considering the sexual relationship they had but there is really nothing you can do about it...it is what it is.

[luckygucky]

I feel for you! I was in your EXACT spot once- and it ended ugly. Be honest with her and up front. Shes likely emotionally cheating on you.

[shoppingGirl]

I feel for you! I was in your EXACT spot once- and it ended ugly. Be honest with her and up front. Shes likely emotionally cheating on you.

 

I agree. There is a such thing as an emotional affair. If she is confiding in another man other than you then something is wrong. Even if she is just enjoying his company daily by chatting, those needs should be mostly met by you. Even if she doesnt' realize it, she is becoming emotionally more and more attached to this man. I have always thought that opposite sex friendships should end when you are in a serious relationship. I know a lot of people would say I am wrong, But I have seen it destroy so many relationships that otherwise might have worked. You might think that you can just "ignore" it and everything will be fine, but it will continue to bother you if it bothers you now.