Advice please?

[luckycharmsy]

So here are the facts:

 

-I am a 22 year old straight female who currently lives and just graduated from college in NJ and am moving to Philly

 

-My boyfriend is a 20 year old straight male who is entering his senior year of the college (in NJ) i just graduated from who currently lives in upstate new york (so 2 hours away).

 

-We are both gregarious, outgoing, flirtatious, attractive people. We are both passionate about art (visual, music, and i love theater and he supports me with it ^_^), love going out to parties as much as we like staying in. Our sex life is fantastic- during school it averaged somewhere at 8-10 times a week. During breaks (when hes in ny and im in nj) we are intimate usually like 2-3 times a day when we visit.

 

-We are both stubborn, our fights are passionate and angry (but the makeup sex is always great but often diffuse in less than 24 hours and we only have big fights like... 2 days out of the month. They usually involve me questioning his feelings because of a misinterpretation or inconsideration and he defending himself.

 

-We have been dating for a year- we met through friends/facebook last summer (2007) and started a sexual relationship which was attachment free until about october of 2007. In that time period, we remained sexually exclusive even though things were 'open'. I did, however, kiss 2 guys where as he only flirted with a few other girls.

 

-When we got back to school, the open thing wasn't working for me because even though we went home together every night, I got incredibly insecure and jealous when he was flirting with other girls at parties etc when i was around so I opted for exclusiveity and he agreed. We remained together all year planning on a break up at my graduation to keep the seperation simple and avoid animosity and jealousy

 

-I have graduated, and we are still exclusively together. We discussed what we should do breifly, but neither of us opted to end the relationship so we agreed to stay together for the summer, then breakup when he returned to school and I moved to Philly (a 1.5 hour drive- shorter than what we do now)

 

-NOW the plan has changed and we have opted to try an open relationship all of next year. I am excited about this idea- it will be nice to go through the 'first date' thing again. we have agreed to tell each other about our experiences and use protection. we have agreed to maintain contact and visit when we can. If our relationship survives this change then I think it truly could be one of those 'if you love something let it go' situations and it could potentially cement our relationship as opposed to destroying it. And if all goes according to plan- we go back to where we started last summer- open to see others but not particularly wanting to. Neither of us are looking for another serious lover- just fillers until we can see one another.

 

-BUT i am also very anxious and worried about the relationship- i struggle with issues of trust and jealousy because I am from a recently divorced family where my father cheated and my first serious relationship was abusive physically and emotionally. My boyfriend, although a caring responsible individual, often finds my lack of faith upsetting and gets very angry when I question his trust. Part of me fears his upset is due to guilt or lack of love, but he reaffirms time and time again that he is simply frustrated because he is telling the truth. He HAS been working on communicating more gently with me, which I deeply appreciate. I also struggle with my self image and worry that he will find younger, more attractive girls to busy himself with at college and forget about me.

 

So, longwinded backstory, but the question is:

 

should I continue pursuing the relationship with my boyfriend? would it be easier to simply start detaching myself from him? or am i worrying over nothing and it seems like the relationship will be alright? should i cheat on him to put myself in a less vulnerable position? any suggestions to stop my worrying would help greatly.

[i_win]

I don't think you seem like the type that could handle an open relationship. Jealousy, insecurity, and trust issues are the last qualities one needs to be able to emotionally handle any relationship...let alone an open one. And if you are in a open relationship than if you "cheat" then you aren't putting yourself in a less vulnerable position because that would be acceptable in an open relationship.

 

My honest opinion is that your relationship isn't strong enough to survive a LDR open relationship.

[Supa_gurl]

No, Never cheat. That leads to more heartache than it is worth. If you are both open to an "open" realtionship, go with that. Maybe you case will be Absense makes the heart grow fonder. Who knows? As far as your insecurities and jealousy goes, that is going to take ALOT of maturity on your part. Good luck with it all.

[rosephase]

I'm in a type of open relationship, and it's a lot of hard work. And it can be a great giant amount of pain if you don't have open communication. I would say try it, but be ready for it to be hard.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Why are you doing this open relationship thing... just because of distance, or because that is the way you want to live your lives, having sex with other people?

 

People who decide to live the swingers lifestyle can frequently succeed if both partners find it very appealing, like sex with lots of people, and agree that they are deeply committed/married to each other and that they won't have emotional relationships with other people.

 

But usually most open relationships are started because one person decides they don't want a committed relationship, and the other person tolerates it because they don't want to break up.

 

The risk is, especially with LDRs, that he starts to form emotional attachments to the other people he is sleeping with, and decides he wants to be someone else's boyfriend rather than yours.

 

You can try this, but if you tend to be jealous or worry, it most likely won't work. The thing that tips me off is where you say you will hopefully go back to 'having an open relationship but not seeing others...' So why even have an open relationship if what you want is to not see others? That makes me think this is his idea, and you are going along with it because you don't want to lose him.

[rosephase]

There are a couple of other kinds of open relationships. Not just swingers and failing relationship. I'm poly:

 

link removed

 

We have more then one committed, sexual, romantic partner. There are 100s of different ways you can handle being open, but they all tend to be a lot of work.

[luckycharmsy]

thanks so far. For the record were opening up bc of the distance. And i am less inclined to be jealous when i see it in front of me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But i don't think you interested in polyamory are you, where both of you have long term love/romantic relationships with other people? That is what rosephase is talking about, and it sounds like you're more interested in just sleeping with other people but keeping the love only for your boyfriend?

 

The problem with these relationships are that the personal boundaries are really blurred. What is OK and what is not OK? Is it OK for him to tell you he can't see you because he's with someone else tonight? Or he has to take her out for her birthday? Or spend Xmas with her? Or Valentine's day with her rather than you?

 

Some people are OK with just the sex, seeing it like going bowling together, but want the love part to be exclusive.

 

It sounds though like what you are more talking about is a break... where you both go off and see what happens, and maybe will get back together, or maybe not. I'd just make sure before you agree to this you've decided what the boundaries will be, have agreed to them, and also talked about whether he expects this to be a permanent situation, even if you marry and have a family.

[luckycharmsy]

we have talked about that actually.

 

rules and regulations were:

 

-still speak online (which was how it started so i prefer that to phone) almost if not every day

-visit on special occasions and when possible

-inform one another about all of our experiences and relations

-use protection. if protection has not been used, we have to get tested immediately before having sex again.

-neither of us are looking for another relationship or permanent lover- simply sexual 'bowling' if you will

 

so its not really a break- although we are going our separate ways- but an ending of exclusivity due to distance- so what can i do to discipline my jealousy and recognize his words and actions for truth and trust that his love for me is different?

[rikka]

So, longwinded backstory, but the question is:

 

should I continue pursuing the relationship with my boyfriend? would it be easier to simply start detaching myself from him? or am i worrying over nothing and it seems like the relationship will be alright? should i cheat on him to put myself in a less vulnerable position? any suggestions to stop my worrying would help greatly.

 

I think you need to end it, because that is basically what you are doing. I don't know why you are asking about cheating, or why you would even think about doing that to someone you loved. I don't think your jealousy and insecurity is going to vanish simply because the activity is going on out of sight.... especially because you have agreed to talk to each other about it and share your experiences.... why would you want to hear about the other girls he is seeing/sleeping with? If anything this is going to make your jealousy worse - what if he finds someone he likes more than you, what if he "lies" about why he can't meet you online today? What if he suddenly stops contacting you for a week or so.... I think your logic is mildly flawed and you are stretching to hold onto something that is falling away.

 

Who made the suggestion of making it an "open" relationship?

 

we have talked about that actually.

 

rules and regulations were:

 

-still speak online (which was how it started so i prefer that to phone) almost if not every day

-visit on special occasions and when possible

-inform one another about all of our experiences and relations

-use protection. if protection has not been used, we have to get tested immediately before having sex again.

-neither of us are looking for another relationship or permanent lover- simply sexual 'bowling' if you will

 

so its not really a break- although we are going our separate ways- but an ending of exclusivity due to distance- so what can i do to discipline my jealousy and recognize his words and actions for truth and trust that his love for me is different?

 

So basically, you are becoming LD FWB? I spoke to the jealousy above... I don't think an open relationship is going to work for someone who is jealous or insecure in herself or her relationship.

 

Though you say you aren't looking for a permanent relationship, what if one of you two happen to meet someone that you click with better than each other? What if one of you wants to move on with someone they met during this exciting phase of first dates and sexual adventures?

 

I don't know. I know people can do it and have done it totally with success, but I know I am not the kind of person who could do an open relationship. And in my opinion, the recipe you have going on here is one for disaster.