Fallen out of love with my wife/separation?

[OC6]

I've been married for nearly 17 years and have two kids (10 & 13yo). The problem is I think I've 'fallen out of love' with my wife. We haven't had sex for over 7 months and now are really more like roomates than a married couple.

She is a great mother to our kids but we just don't feel/act the way a happily married couple should (or how we used to feel/act). We don't talk to each other but rather talk at each other. There's no affection between us whatsoever and to be honest, I don't find her attractive any more, physically or emotionally.

 

We had a pretty intense argument just before Christmas and in the heat of the moment she siad 'if we split, I'm not divorcing you and I'm keeping the house'. Nothing has been said since then but I definetly think the marriage is over. And just to complicate things, I'm the major income earner - she works part-time and thus earns 1/2 a normal wage.

 

I'm thinking of asking for a separation but I want to protect the kids as much as possible. I was thinking of discussing it with her and emphasising that if I did separate from her, I still want to be active in the kids lives. Me moving out would add a financial purden but what else can I do? I really don't think I can go on in the current situation.

 

Am I doing the right thing? Has anybody else gone through what I'm going through? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[melrich]

You can probably go two ways.

 

Accept it is over and start the process of seperation and divorce or,

 

Give yourself some more time and both of you make a real commitment to give it another go.

 

Having been through a divorce myself, the only thing I would say is that if you do decide to separate, make sure you have given it your very best shot. Because you will have regrets and feelings of " we could have done more" throughout the process.

[tangi39]

Does this have anything to do with that woman from the Sports club ?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, i want the answer to that question too... are you cheating on your wife?

 

If you are already cheating, or thinking of cheating, then the honorable thing to do is to end the marriage and free your wife to find someone new for herself.

 

It will obviously cost you financially, but better than her discovering cheating and going thru the anger that will create hostility from that.

[tangi39]

OC,

 

I'm not trying to gang up on you- But reading your previous posts about asking how/when to kiss that woman, it's important to know whether or not you are/did have an affair with her before knowing what advice to give you

concerning your marriage.

I hope you're not just looking for affirmation to leave your wife if this is the case.

[Mindy1607307824]

Why don't you see a counselor?

[hardcharger]

>The problem is I think I've 'fallen out of love' with my wife

 

that means nothing. love is nothing it is an illusion. in the long term love should be a pack to do the right thing for each other and those you affect. falling out of love is no reason whatsoever for a divorce, that is plain ole silly. it is typical and normal not to be "in love" with your wife after so many years. (but kudos to those who still have it!!!)

 

but what has happened here is much more than out of love. likely there is a loss of "respect" for each other, that is so much worse than being out of love.

 

why does it have to be this way for so many of us, including me? (>20 yrs in and not in love)

 

where does the search for love end? isn't everyone entitled to love? yes and no.

what get to me, is i saw my parents arguing and fighting and ugliness and threats of divorce, but they stayed together, my dad just passed, and I am grateful to my dad for tolerating years and years of nonsense and "no love". The children benefited in this case, mine.

 

but every case is different and unique and every life is so. What really bother me is that you say the physical intimacy is all gone, that would be tough to take, no wonder you are out there looking for kissing!(stated above)

[OC6]

Does this have anything to do with that woman from the Sports club ?

 

Yes, i want the answer to that question too... are you cheating on your wife?

 

If you are already cheating, or thinking of cheating, then the honorable thing to do is to end the marriage and free your wife to find someone new for herself.

 

It will obviously cost you financially, but better than her discovering cheating and going thru the anger that will create hostility from that.

 

OC,

 

I'm not trying to gang up on you- But reading your previous posts about asking how/when to kiss that woman, it's important to know whether or not you are/did have an affair with her before knowing what advice to give you

concerning your marriage.

I hope you're not just looking for affirmation to leave your wife if this is the case.

 

Well I guess the answer is yes & no..

Yes I do/did have feelings for another woman and no, I haven't acted on those feelings. Despite my previous posts, I really don't want to do the wrong thing by my wife & kids. If it is to end, I'd like it to end as amicably as possible (if possible). Bottom line is we've grown apart and I think it's better for both of us if we went our separate ways and not live unhappily ever after. Comments/advice?

[tangi39]

Well, if you do proceed with a divorce don't expect your wife to be amicable.

That is just not realistic.

If I'm being honest with you- If my husband came up to me and said he wanted a divorce because he didn't feel "In love" with me anymore- I'd pretty much hate his guts the rest of my life. Mainly, because I would lose all respect for him as a man and as a person.

The thing is after a large amount of time, you cannot expect to feel in love 100 % of the time. I love my husband VERY much, but I don't even feel it 24/7.

And if I knew he was feeling like our marriage needed work, I'd want at least the option to try and make it work before he made the decision to throw in the towel for me.

If you don't want to try and work things out, don't expect a pleasant reaction. And you'll get involved in a VERY messy divorce and custody battle. You can't walk away from a marriage by your own decision and expect her to be happy- Not gonna happen.

If you truly feel your marriage is loveless, leave it- with the knowledge that ANY LT relationship you are in will be hard work through times of feeling "Not in love". To think you'll feel "In love " 24/7 with anyone is a really immature thought.

But if you do walk away, don't expect your wife to be happy or thank you for it anytime soon.

[404]

As it stands now you are looking for something you need but don't have in your day to day life.

 

You can spend your time finding that in your current life with your current wife

or

You can spend your time finding it with other women and another life

 

In all likelyhood you can find it in either place and there is a price you will have to pay either way. It seems like your trying to escape this. You can't leave your wife without pain and you won't be able to repair your relationship without work.

 

For what its worth I hope you make a choice to find it with your wife. I won't go so far as to say love is an illusion but we are much more in control than we often want to believe and even the option of another woman is only going to hurt you in that effort.

[forgingon]

Well, if you do proceed with a divorce don't expect your wife to be amicable.

That is just not realistic.

If I'm being honest with you- If my husband came up to me and said he wanted a divorce because he didn't feel "In love" with me anymore- I'd pretty much hate his guts the rest of my life. Mainly, because I would lose all respect for him as a man and as a person.

The thing is after a large amount of time, you cannot expect to feel in love 100 % of the time. I love my husband VERY much, but I don't even feel it 24/7."

 

 

I am so with you on that! Been there. No one feels in love 100% of the time - and if you have an attraction to someone else you are looking at your wife and your marriage through a pair of wonky glasses. You can not fairly assess her, her merits as your partner, her devotion to your family or her contribution to your life if you are infatuated with someone else. And aside from that, when you married her you made her family, and you created a family and no matter what you will crush everything you worked all those years to build by leaving.

 

And as for your future happiness...if you walk away from your marriage without learning how to find happiness and work through your troubles you will never learn how to do it and your next relationship will be doomed to the same thing.

 

My husband left 18 months ago, had "an attraction" to a woman he "hadn't acted on", suddenly "had never been happy since the children were born", and wanted someone "exactly the opposite of me"...now he's broke, he's really, really wounded our children and destroyed our family life. He cried on my daughters birthday because my parents don't want him around any more...he's lost so much...(most importantly me, a devoted, loving wife despite whatever my shortcomings happen to be) and fragmented his family for what? A firmer set of boobs?

 

You are right, if this guy leaves his wife over this she will never forgive him and he will pay a price far dearer than he can see today wearing his messed up glasses.

[robert-45]

My husband left 18 months ago,

 

"...now he's broke, he's really, really wounded our children and destroyed our family life. He cried on my daughters birthday because my parents don't want him around any more...he's lost so much...(most importantly me, a devoted, loving wife despite whatever my shortcomings happen to be) and fragmented his family for what?

 

I wish I knew about this site or got advice like this or listened to the advice I got before I left my wife almost 2 years ago. I am so sorry I left. I, too, feel that I've lost so much. We have two daughters, now 8 and 11. I ruminate constantly over the damage I've caused to my wife, my children, and myself. For over a year after leaving, I didn't regret it. Then, it started to sink in. A few months ago, I apologized and sought to reconcile. But, I had done so much damage and she had moved on. I wish I had never left. I wish I had tried to undo the damage sooner. I am saddled with so much guilt, so much regret, it is almost unbearable. I plod along, hoping to find a way I can move forward. I have no idea if or when I will find this path.

[keenan]

Having survived it with my sanity and sense of humor intact, I will say that divorce is ASTONISHINGLY hard for both the leaver and the left. It looks like a simple solution, and you convince yourself that you'll stay friends and behave rationally and keep everyone's best interests at heart--and then the gates of hell open and everyone falls in.

 

LOL -- I'm serious. Spend the 15 grand on counseling, long romantic vacations, a regular Friday night babysitter, two gym memberships, a new car, a kitchen remodel, or whatever the heck else will make it better. Better that you spend it on keeping your family intact than helping the divorce lawyers do all of the above with your money.

[lostandhurt]

How do you know your marraige can't be made better, stronger, more loving? It took a long time for this to get where it is at and it will take work from both of you to get to an even better place than you were.

You want a fantasy future where things will be better after the divorce. Not going to happen for a very looong time, if ever for you, your wife, your kids.

Do everything possible save what you both have but can't see. If then after trying and nothing works, or she won't even try then you won't have to ask what to do, you will know.

As far as the sex goes. Do you think a women that you look at like you described is going to want make love to you? or even have sex with you?

There is a fact that most men just don't get in a marriage: The more men have sex the less they want it. The more women are made love to the more they want it. (men you have to put all your effort into pleasing them only and not yourselves) Heal the relationship and the affection will return most of the time.

 

lost

[timetoremember]

I too had found myself in your exact predicament. What was missing in my marriage, I was looking for somewhere else. It was fleeting when I found it, but god damm it was good. Now it's gone again, I am left with like an addiction withdrawal, and I need to find it somewhere else, anywhere but in my marriage. Like you, I have no real attraction to my husband anymore, while he was on the computer I've been spending time improving my body and mind. With counselling, I was able to reveal a lot of things about how I was feeling (but continued to bottle up over all these years because it kept things "nice" in our marriage) but all it does is lead to situations like these where two people end up living separate lives under the one roof. We lose the connection that we originally had (if it was there?). Sorry this is a bit all over the place, but I highly recommend counselling for both of you (together or separately) just so that you have the big picture in place from someone who isn't judging you. From there you can make an informed decision. Good luck though....I know it's bloody hard.

[OC6]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'd like to add that it's not all 'one-way traffic', we both feel the same way and I'm not sure counselling will achieve anything but will suggest it when we sit down to have 'the talk' soon. Please keep the advice/suggestions coming.

[unabashed]

No matter how many times my ex-husband and I had the discussion: we love each other but aren't "in love." We are better off as friends than as spouses. Our sexual needs are different. We jumped too quickly to get married. The kids would be better off seeing us happy and not fighting. And so on. No matter how many times we discussed it, when we finally did get divorced, it was incredibly difficult. There was, despite everything, anger, resentment, jealousy, blaming. And, in fact, we did a very, very good job. We communicated well, went to mediation, didn't work things out in front of the kids, and really tried to keep the kids first in our decisions. Four years later, we have both moved on. I know I'm much happier, but it is still very difficult. Almost every day, I experience some difficult emotions.

 

Even if it's for the purpose of ending things well, with your relationship as co-parents intact, I think it's important to go to counseling together. My husband would not do it, and I believe that has not helped.

[tangi39]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'd like to add that it's not all 'one-way traffic', we both feel the same way and I'm not sure counselling will achieve anything but will suggest it when we sit down to have 'the talk' soon. Please keep the advice/suggestions coming.

 

You'll never know unless you try. And if you don't try- nothing can or will change FOR SURE.

[meinreallife]

OC,

 

I am going through something very similar. I found something I was missing in my life with another wonderful women. It was non-physical, but it opened up part of me that I kept inside for years. I am married now almost 20 years with teenage kids. I made the decision to stay in my marriage and try to make it work. It has only been a couple months since I stopped seeing the other women, but I am slowly seeing how I had "checked out" from my marriage. I struggle daily with what feels like giant holes in my life, but I feel like I am at least trying. I am getting counseling. After I get myself a little less nutty I am going to ask my wife to try counseling with me. After all the years of marriage there are many things that need to be talked through. I really don't know what will come of it, but from good advice from friends and ENA I do believe it is worth trying.

 

It's really strange isn't it? How two people can have an entire life together, kids and dogs and houses, and find yourself looking accross the breakfast table saying "who are you?"

 

At 20 my world view was so small. I knew everything (ha-ha). I had a plan. Now I just know I am not whole. I feel like a big empty house. I ask myself questions about why I got married and why I chose the career I did. I don't know if this will work, but for my family's sake I am going to give it 100%, my kids deserve that. My wife deserves that. I just hope the person I found in myself this last year doesn't dissappear. I kind of like him more than the robot I was.

 

Geez... I'm sure that helped