I'm sabotaging things for no real reason (looooonnnnngggg)

[jengh]

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in a relationship with a guy from California. I'm in Michigan. I'm sure you've heard me mention it somewhere along the way. It's been going on since January, we've been talking and friends for a year and a half. I'm due to see him on Friday.

 

I feel like I've just been subconsciously sabotaging things. I know it's all my fault but it's like I'm in this never-ending downward spiral. Relationships are hard. Long-distance relationships even harder.

 

He and I get along so well, have so much in common, it's scary. I've never really felt anything quite like this before. I don't know why I'm doing this. I've been inadvertantly distancing myself. I've found a new group of friends and have been going out almost every night for the past few weeks. Nights were our "talk time", where we'd easily spend 1-3 hours talking about everything under the sun.

 

The places I've been hanging out have terrible reception service. He doesn't really seem to believe me, but it's true. It's really a dead-zone. I try all night to call him, text him, etc. He told me he's lost all trust in me. That really stings. He asked if there's someone else. There isn't. It's him, it's always been him. I don't want or need anyone else.

 

In the first few months of us feeling each other out, seeing where we wanted things to go, if we wanted them to progress, I didn't have much of a social life. I RARELY went out. So now, all of a sudden, I have friends again and I've been taking full advantage of that. It's really been getting to him. He thinks I'm choosing them over him. I'm not. I'm just getting out there and having a good time. The reality is, I think about him the whole time.

 

There's other root causes to this too. I'm depressed. I have been for awhile. I hate taking anti-depressants. I've been having bad anxiety. I'm so broke I can't even handle it. I'm probably developing a drinking problem. I just can't get out of this downward spiral.

 

I have trust issues. I have a fear of relationships. He does too. It makes things difficult. Being 2500 miles away doesn't help either. Make note that I do NOT want to give up on this. I need to make things better. He truly makes me happy. Back to the trust issues. We've both cheated on every relationship we've been in. It's awful (I KNOW) but it's the truth. Because of this, it makes it harder on both of us to trust. It's different with him, though. For once, I don't WANT to go mess around with anyone else. So when he asked if there was someone else, it just shocked me. In reality, though, I can see why he asked me. I've been distant, I've cheated before. It makes sense. But really, no one else.

 

Ohh, this is just dragging on and on. I should probably end this post. I'm just repeating myself over and over again. Bah.

 

Pleeeease help me. Thank you.

 

I don't want things to be strained when I see him on Friday. I'll be there for ten days and haven't seen him since Feb 18th.

[Excalibur]

Have you ever met this guy?

[jengh]

yes, I have. It's not just some internet madness.

 

We've spent a decent amount of time together. We know each other, we know we work well together, we have great chemistry.

[CallingAllAngels]

Jen...

 

I think you 2 have spend far too much time apart, and that's why the relationship is strained.

 

Once you see each other on Friday, there is a VERY good possibility that the chemistry will be there, and all this "tension" you feel will dissipate.

 

As far as you going out and partying: First of all, you are very young, and that's what young people do. Only YOU know if you can or cannot handle alcohol. When we are depressed, we sometimes abuse drugs and alcohol, but again, only you can answer that question.

 

As far as the trust goes. That one I don't have an answer for, only because of my situation with my exhusband. I have a theory that I go by though: I trust everyone UNTIL they give me a REASON NOT to trust them. Has he ever done that? If not, you may just have to set down your guard and trust him hon.

 

Take a leap of faith.

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

You and ONLY you can sabotage the relationship. DON'T. It could turn into something beautiful.

 

Hugs to you...

 

~Allie

[Excalibur]

So when do you plan to make the relationship non-distance?

 

I mean a relationship that is going to be an LDR ad-infinitum there is only such much you can invest in it in terms of your daily life, your long-term goals and plans, etc.

[jengh]

Yes, not having seen him in so long is killing me. I agree with you when you say you think things will be better once we're physically together again.

 

I think I'm going out too much. In fact, I know I am. But, it's summer. I should just cut back.

 

Allie, you know how much I care about him. It's never been a secret. I don't know why I can't trust people. I think it's because I can't trust myself. He's never given me a reason.

 

I've been burned so much in the past that it's feeding the fire of my insecurities. He's done nothing to wrong me.

 

For awhile, he was going out several times a week, while I was sitting by the phone waiting for his call. Now that he's finally finishing his masters degree, he's home ALL the time, working his ass off. The roles are reversed, though mine is a bit more extreme.

 

He says he doesn't know me anymore. That really hurt me.

 

And that's the thing, Allie, I KNOW it could turn into something wonderful. He's such a great person, our connection has always been amazing. We're so open and honest with each other. Have been from the get-go.

[jengh]

So when do you plan to make the relationship non-distance?

 

I mean a relationship that is going to be an LDR ad-infinitum there is only such much you can invest in it in terms of your daily life, your long-term goals and plans, etc.

 

I know, I realise this. I've been toying with the idea of heading out there late fall. It wouldn't JUST be for him. I truly love it out there and HATE Michigan.

[CallingAllAngels]

Then just calm down hon...Friday is just 4 days away. You'll be there before you know it. I bet you'll feel a whole lot better when you are there face to face with him.

 

And maybe, you two can discuss all the "going out" business. Does he know about your depression and your reluctence to take anti depressants? Does he know that you just go out and party with your friends? That you're NOT with a guy?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i have a suggestion to help build trust ... and to also include him in your life ... and vice versa...

 

if you have a camera phone ... take pics of where you are and who you are with ... (make it fun) and then text it to him... with little notes that say "wish you were here" ...ect...

 

this will include him in your life, he can see you are where you say you are ... and you don't have to be home at a computer or on the phone.

 

He can also do the same for you- i did this with an ex... and it was fun to be included in his life.. as well as include him in mine.

[jengh]

I certainly hope things are okay on Friday. They'd better be.

 

He knows I'm depressed. He doesn't understand it though, because there's no real reason. But that's how it usually is for me.

 

I keep telling him over and over that i'm not with a guy. I have guy FRIENDS but it ends there. I would NEVER date the guys I've been hanging out with. Redneck, drink too much. Meh. Been there, done that. But, I'm not sure if he believes me. It goes back to that trust crap.

[Excalibur]

Just remember, a relationship isn't a goal - it's not an identifying marker, a security net - it doesn't make you what you're not as an individual.

 

And you can't know, admire, trust, respect, accept, or enjoy anybody else any better than you do all those things for yourself regarding you.

 

The relationship you have with yourself is the blueprint and map you use to create relationships with other people.

[jengh]

i have a suggestion to help build trust ... and to also include him in your life ... and vice versa...

 

if you have a camera phone ... take pics of where you are and who you are with ... (make it fun) and then text it to him... with little notes that say "wish you were here" ...ect...

 

this will include him in your life, he can see you are where you say you are ... and you don't have to be home at a computer or on the phone.

 

He can also do the same for you- i did this with an ex... and it was fun to be included in his life.. as well as include him in mine.

 

it's funny you mentioned that. We JUST started doing this (i just got a new phone). It really makes things better. And I HAVE been sending pics of where I'm at. Sometimes, though, the reception is so bad that they won't send

[jengh]

Just remember, a relationship isn't a goal - it's not an identifying marker, a security net - it doesn't make you what you're not as an individual.

 

And you can't know, admire, trust, respect, accept, or enjoy anybody else any better than you do all those things for yourself regarding you.

 

The relationship you have with yourself is the blueprint and map you use to create relationships with other people.

 

That's all very true. When I was younger (I say this like I'm not young now), I did let relationships define who I was as a person. That didn't turn out so well for me. I'm working on bettering myself, which is why I haven't seeked out a boyfriend in so long (year and a half almost). Things with this guy just fell into place.

[Excalibur]

If it helps to consider it objectively - long distance relationships are kind of like affairs in dynamic.

 

It's two people who plan to spend time together, adn spend the time together in a focused effort to impress and please the other person.

 

So until there is interpersonal, daily, unstructured involvement, it'll be hard to know if he's who you think he is - bsed on your interpretation of what you've seen of him.

 

Same with him, about you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

LDRs have a built in shelf life, so if neither of you is making plans to move, you could be working yourself up over nothing, since it will come to nothing. Perhaps if this is causing all kinds of anxiety and neither of you will be moving, you should both look for a local partner sooner rather than later.

 

LDRs just can't survive indefinitely without these kinds of problems, unless you have concrete plans to move near each other within a reasonable amount of time (within a year or so).

 

Re: cell phone service, why don't you change providers? some areas get better

reception than others, so find one that has good reception where you call from.

 

Re: drinking, just stop! Drinking can make depression worse, and in fact it can CAUSE depression by messing with your brain chemistry. There is also no shame in taking antidepressents if you need them. If you don't like the ones you have, get the doctor to switch you until you find one that works that doesn't have side effects for you.

 

Just look at these issues one at a time, and work up a solution for each. It won't feel so overwhelming if you do.

[jengh]

Yeah, I understand what you're saying..makes sense. This trip will be a little longer than my previous ones. 10 days. I think that will give me a LITTLE better perspective on things.

 

 

We're arguing now. He's so upset with me. He told me we can text, chat online, but he doesn't want to speak to me for awhile. That seems kind of counterproductive, doesn't it? I mean, his issues lie in that we haven't been speaking enough. Why stop completely? I don't get it.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

he may be trying to pull away out of fear.

[jengh]

LDRs have a built in shelf life, so if neither of you is making plans to move, you could be working yourself up over nothing, since it will come to nothing. Perhaps if this is causing all kinds of anxiety and neither of you will be moving, you should both look for a local partner sooner rather than later.

 

LDRs just can't survive indefinitely without these kinds of problems, unless you have concrete plans to move near each other within a reasonable amount of time (within a year or so).

My plans are for this fall. Hopefully, if I can financially do it.

 

 

Re: cell phone service, why don't you change providers? some areas get better

reception than others, so find one that has good reception where you call from.

it's not just mine, it's everyone's i'm with too. It's just dead out there! (plus, I just signed a 2 year contract 2 weeks ago)

 

 

Re: drinking, just stop! Drinking can make depression worse, and in fact it can CAUSE depression by messing with your brain chemistry. There is also no shame in taking antidepressents if you need them. If you don't like the ones you have, get the doctor to switch you until you find one that works that doesn't have side effects for you.

 

Just look at these issues one at a time, and work up a solution for each. It won't feel so overwhelming if you do

 

I know, I should stop....but, it's fun, it takes my mind off of things. I don't really have any hobbies.

Re: antidepressants--I have yet to find one that doesn't have side effects. They make me numb, cold, sexually dead, give me migraines. Gah. I hate them

[Excalibur]

all you're really finding out in a slow-evolution process is that you really dont' know one another beyond the attention and approval and infatuation type of involvement that you have with any relationship in the beginning, and that is hard to get past with distance in the mix.

 

In any relationship - ther'es infatuation. "your desire for me, attention to ma makes me feel so great about being me - I can't get ehough of you".

 

That typically fades with constant interaction (not conversations) within about 6-9 monoths. You stop thnking they hung the moon - and realize your head is in the stars. You come back down to earth and begin to evaluate thier character, their abilities and traits based on what they've accomplished, what they're pursuing the standards they live by, rather than how thier attention makes you feel about yourself.

 

With distance as a complication........there's no way to get to know the real you - why you do what you do - etc. Same with you about him.

 

All there is is what you're told, or what you know for a fact.......there's now knowledge of them as an existential person. So the more you find out that brings up your "baggage" the more you'r going to distrust and fear them...because you don't know them - only how their attention/approval makes you feel about yourself.

 

If you're moving, it appears you'll be doing it at your own expense, for your own goals to be met. In short, this isn't something he's requesting you do - but he doesn't mind if you do it...and he's not invested in helping you with it - becuase he doesn't consider "the relationship" to be the impetus or purpose of the move.

 

So if you do move - it'll be because the job offer you have out there is one that is going to take you to your career goals in 2-3 years, and becuase you're wanting to take responsiblity for relocation. that you'll know someone there that you find attractive and sexually appealing - that's great...but he's not the reason you should move there.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

LDRs have a built in shelf life,

 

every relationship is different and unique in its own way... i have seen LDR go on for years ... and work out- i have seen them last weeks and not work out.

 

we are talking about unique individuals.. not milk.

[jengh]

all you're really finding out in a slow-evolution process is that you really dont' know one another beyond the attention and approval and infatuation type of involvement that you have with any relationship in the beginning, and that is hard to get past with distance in the mix.

 

In any relationship - ther'es infatuation. "your desire for me, attention to ma makes me feel so great about being me - I can't get ehough of you".

 

That typically fades with constant interaction (not conversations) within about 6-9 monoths. You stop thnking they hung the moon - and realize your head is in the stars. You come back down to earth and begin to evaluate thier character, their abilities and traits based on what they've accomplished, what they're pursuing the standards they live by, rather than how thier attention makes you feel about yourself.

 

This is so much more than infatuation. I know the differences, trust me. I'm not as naive as you think I am.

 

 

If you're moving, it appears you'll be doing it at your own expense, for your own goals to be met. In short, this isn't something he's requesting you do - but he doesn't mind if you do it...and he's not invested in helping you with it - becuase he doesn't consider "the relationship" to be the impetus or purpose of the move.

 

So if you do move - it'll be because the job offer you have out there is one that is going to take you to your career goals in 2-3 years, and becuase you're wanting to take responsiblity for relocation. that you'll know someone there that you find attractive and sexually appealing - that's great...but he's not the reason you should move there.

 

He wants me to. And I'm confident that he would help me in any way he can. He just doesn't want me to move there JUST for him. If things didn't work out, then he feels like I'd be stuck and resentful. You make him sound like he's uninterested and "meh" about it. Not true.

And I didn't say he's the reason I'd move. Obviously he's part of it...but i've been wanting to get out of Michigan since before I can remember. This would be a great place to go.

[Excalibur]

My only point is that he's telling you do not here witth "this relationship" as a reason - it's a plus, it's a bonus and score, it's an option - but it's not a reason.

 

he's absolutely right - if you picked up your life, moved there, found out that in constant contact he's not what you assume you'd resent having upended your life......

 

He is also leaving the door open to him finding out what you haven't likely disclosed to him - and him having options because of it - you probably don't reveal that you should be on medication and aren't, that you don't like meds and wont' take it, that you're developing ad rinking problem possibly. You're thinking "this wouldn't be happening if we were close together and I were happier because we were closer together".

 

And he's leaving the door open on both sides to this "not working out"...so that nobody is upset about it not working out and "i'd never have moved here, or give up X" or done "Y" had I known the relationship wasn't a guarantee.

 

It's not that he doesn't want you there - or that he's unwiling to help you. The point is that he's stressing do not move here with "me and this relationship" as a reason.

 

We're a perk and a plus - but not a guarantee.

[jengh]

Ex,

I have disclosed everything to him. He knows pretty much everything about my life, my background, history, etc. I have nothing to hide and he knows it. As far as I know, he's been totally open with me too...That's why our bond is so strong.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Hey..

I didn't read thru all the posts b/c well, my contacts are killing me lol.

 

Back to the topic:

I think your post kind of resembles where I would if me and my bf where in LDR. I know what it's like to not really have any friends then boom! Finally you get a group you click with. Plus me and him also knew each other thru the internet for like 1.5 years. (We had met previously once and then just remained cyber friends). And then we finally went out and slowly got to know each other and clicked so well.

 

I can also see where he is coming from though.

 

Is there any way you could maybe set aside talk time with him? Maybe texts thruout the day or connect thru talking at an earlier hour? I don' see why he should "lose all trust" just b/c your going out, but you have to put yourself in his shoes. If I where him I may think I was just being strung along.

 

As for the drinking problem: could it be b/c you go out drinking every night almost? Maybe cut back and do other fun stuff like going to the movies (sober and I dunno.. maybe just coffee, or grabbing something to eat with friends.

 

Like allie said: you guys are feeling disconnected due to the distance. It's weird but same happened with me and my bf and imagine this: we don't even live far! But there was a time in Feb or so where we couldn't/didn't see each other for about 2-3 weeks and it was horrible. I felt disconnected and also: we fought alot more.

 

I also cheated in all my past relationships and so did my bf. And this time we really WANT it to work and it's not hard when you what your intentiions are I guess with the other person.

But one thing I learnt from this site I remember once when I asked for advice: "some people put 150% into the relationship in the beginning and then slowly they stop making the effort to do nice stuff.. it goes down to giving like 60%" And that's just wrong of course. So maybe you bf is feeling neglected.. I guess he just wants some attention and to be made feel special.

[Excalibur]

As you know him so well, why is he upset that you've developed friendships, and at least distraction based involvements - to kill time till you see him again?

 

And why he is choosing to not talk at all, because he's upset?

 

I'm not really wanting answers, it's just questions to have you realizing how well you know him as an individual, or not.