dflq123 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Ive been having serious issues with my girlfriend lately. Lets say i say something to her, and she interprets it differently than i intended, and takes offense to it. She will get mad/hurt, and as a result i try and explain that that she took the comment in a way other than my actual meaning, and that she shouldnt be worried. She gets pissed at me for this, telling me im justifying my actions when i should be consoling her. I think an explanation that my intent isnt what she thought should fix everything so she understands what i meant, but she says it doesnt matter, because her interpretation of the comment still hurt her.Even if her interpretation is blatantly wrong, she says its all about how she feels and how the comment made her feel, and that i should always comfort her and apologize for her feeling like that etc. Then when i try and defend the fact that im defending myself, and how i think its fair to do so, and when i argue this entire case, she becomes even more upset, and it becomes a vicious circle where she attacks me for trying to explain myself, and then i try to explain why i have the right to explain. Shes cut herself, told me i dont love her, and told me i enjoy seeing her suffer, because this problem has gone on for a week for hours a day. She also insists that if she gets hurt or mad, because she is the one with the initial issue, and that she gets hurt first, i should at all costs ignore her criticism of me, and help her feel better. She thinks that im supposed to put all her comments aside even if theyre very hurtful to me,because she was angry first and if i "really loved her i would ignore those comments and realize she says them because shes angry." And lets say i explain something perfectly, and by her fault, she misinterprets it and takes it in a bad way. If i try to explain the misinterpretation- to eliminate the offense she takes from interpreting it that way, she gets mad and does the same thing, then even if i do manage to explain my real meaning properly, she says it doesnt matter because its not how she felt, and ALSO says for me to stop telling her shes wrong, because it bothers her.... Part of me feels like if i love her i should just ignore this all and comfort her by virtue of the fact that shes so hurt, regardless of the reason...but the fact is i feel really wronged and i really have a problem with her thinking that i was really to blame for all of these and pinning this tremendous problem as my fault.... like, i love her, but i feel like i cant let that happen...unless im wrong here....someone fill me in please... Ugh... this is impossible. Help....please... Link to comment
sweetsally Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 From what you have said, she sounds insecure about herself. To make up for her insecurities she has to take control of the situation and make you feel bad. She should be thankful that she has a boyfriend willing to communicate any problems that occur in the relationship. She should also know that you would never intentionally hurt her. My opinion is that you are not wrong. Link to comment
wtm78 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 i dont want to scare you brother... she sounded like my ex... i went through a hellish year trying to fix what you have described... with little improvement... eventually i run out of patience.. with all the other stress-factors in life... i was pressurised to the max... i got cranky but never disrespectful... and she ended off the relationship with me, because by then she interprets that i am verbally/emotionally abusive... of course.. i am not.. part of my story: i totally understand how stressful it is to deal with your current gf... its emotionally high maintance... i suggest you get counselling.. both of you... couple therapy... thats the only option left... i tried everything except that... good luck buddy... Link to comment
lillie Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Wow how selfish & arrogant can one girl be! What she is asking for is completely unreasonable! So you are walking on egg shells? Well if you arent now you will be every minute you are together if you let this carry on. Yes you should be careful not to hurt her feelings with throw away comments but i get the impression she reads the worst into almost everything you say. If you carry on down the same road with her you are going to have this misery ALL the time. Basically what she is saying is ONLY her feelings matter,not even your explanation matters to her,WOW! You need to take a stand on this,and sooner rather than later. Tell her if she insists on putting words into your mouth,misinterpretiing everything you say & not listening to reason you feel like there is no point continuing the relationship,because there isnt any point continuing the relationship when one persons feelings & explanation matter & the others dont. Its a two way thing. Is she very young? Because she sounds it. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 My opinion is that you are not wrong, she is. I understand why she is doin it, as I used to be the same, but its very childish and you should not stand for it. You can see what she is doing, shes down on herself and blaming you, but its only her that can make herself feel better. You need to put your foot down and be firm with her im telling you, one of my exes did that and I stopped putting him under so much pressure, realised it was my problem really and I needed to do some thinking. For what its worth, you sound like a nice understanding compassionate boyfriend, but dont be no fool, and thats coming from a girl who used to be the same! good luck lol. Link to comment
odile Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Sounds like a headache! If it happens again, I would calmly acknowledge her reaction --ex: "oh honey, if you're upset, then there's been a misunderstanding". Ask her to explain her interpretation; listen to her actively, and ask questions if necessary, so that you can get a good idea of where she's coming from. If she's way off base, then 1. acknowledge "wow, I can see how hearing it that way could be upsetting!" and 2. correct it-- ex: "Please understand that that is NOT at all what I was trying to say! perhaps there are better words to express-- " Then reiterate what your original statement was, but using different words. You may have already tried this, but I guess what might help most is to remain calm, and keep your tone gentle and sympathetic-- try not to sound defensive, but be sure to defend your position. She does sound insecure, and this approach might be helpful. Be sympathetic, but don't be a sucker. If she's still being totally unreasonable, well, then... ask yourself what you're getting out of this relationship. I mean, you need to listen to her, and be supportive, but she should be doing the same for you, and from what you're saying, it sounds like she's having a hard time (and may be incapable) of doing that. Link to comment
AbsentMaverick Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Ive been having serious issues with my girlfriend lately. It sounds like your girlfriend has been having problems with herself after reading your post. Maybe you, too, for putting up with it. Lets say i say something to her, and she interprets it differently than i intended, and takes offense to it. She will get mad/hurt, and as a result i try and explain that that she took the comment in a way other than my actual meaning, and that she shouldnt be worried. She gets pissed at me for this, telling me im justifying my actions when i should be consoling her. She's probably starved for attention and quite concsious of how she is manipulating you. I think an explanation that my intent isnt what she thought should fix everything so she understands what i meant, but she says it doesnt matter, because her interpretation of the comment still hurt her.Even if her interpretation is blatantly wrong, she says its all about how she feels and how the comment made her feel, and that i should always comfort her and apologize for her feeling like that etc. It should fix everything, given your girlfriend is in touch with reality, whereas she wants attention and comfort at the expense of deceiving you. Honestly, unless you truly love her, dump the girl. Anyone in the world can do better. Then when i try and defend the fact that im defending myself, and how i think its fair to do so, and when i argue this entire case, she becomes even more upset, and it becomes a vicious circle where she attacks me for trying to explain myself, and then i try to explain why i have the right to explain. Shes cut herself, told me i dont love her, and told me i enjoy seeing her suffer, because this problem has gone on for a week for hours a day. She isn't interested in reason and this is perfectly undeniable at this point. She cuts herself and then blames it on you and claims you like it because you accidentally say something that hurts her feelings? Amazing. Drop her like a rock. Dump! She also insists that if she gets hurt or mad, because she is the one with the initial issue, and that she gets hurt first, i should at all costs ignore her criticism of me, and help her feel better. She thinks that im supposed to put all her comments aside even if theyre very hurtful to me,because she was angry first and if i "really loved her i would ignore those comments and realize she says them because shes angry." If you really loved yourself, you'd leave. And lets say i explain something perfectly, and by her fault, she misinterprets it and takes it in a bad way. If i try to explain the misinterpretation- to eliminate the offense she takes from interpreting it that way, she gets mad and does the same thing, then even if i do manage to explain my real meaning properly, she says it doesnt matter because its not how she felt, and ALSO says for me to stop telling her shes wrong, because it bothers her.... Leave. Part of me feels like if i love her i should just ignore this all and comfort her by virtue of the fact that shes so hurt, regardless of the reason...but the fact is i feel really wronged and i really have a problem with her thinking that i was really to blame for all of these and pinning this tremendous problem as my fault.... like, i love her, but i feel like i cant let that happen...unless im wrong here....someone fill me in please... Ugh... this is impossible. Help....please... It is impossible and it will be for a long time, at best, and possibly forever. Seriously, you love this girl? Just leave her. She doesn't love you, and she doesn't even love herself. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 My ex-wife was like this too and instead of putting my foot down, I put up with it for years.... years of frustration and pointless arguing and blaming because she would NEVER let me have the last word or admit she was wrong. It only got better when we both just started neglecting our relationship altogether. Not the best solution. By contrast, my latest ex/possible future gf also has this disposition. But she only stays upset for about 20 minutes, listens to my explanation, accepts it, moves on, and then is sweet again. THAT'S the kind of girl you want, so either be more firm w/ your gf, or drop her. Link to comment
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