Still need to do it

[CynicalGuitarist]

Yeah, I still desperately want to off myself. I've realized that I'm a waste of tissue and water and have done nothing but (against my will) hold other people back and influence decisions that people don't want to make. I'm nothing but a mass of body parts and recessive garbage genes.

 

My mom's moving, and I have nowhere to go. I don't want to move in with her 'cause she's moving to a small "out in the middle of nowhere" town. It was hard enough for me to get a job in the city... what would make anyone think that having any sort of social life in a town would even be possible? If i move in with her, I'll be stuck in my current situation even WORSE than before... so if I move in with her, I'll probably just off myself even faster. I could attempt to buy a room and pay rent where my Brother and sister-in-law are moving so I don't have to leave the city, but I'll probably be more of a nuisance than anything (even if I do stay completely outta their way) thus, I gotta get a second job (which is impossible, cause it took over 20 interviews for me to even get my FIRST job!)

 

Moving sucks anyways. My mom wants everything to be "perfect" so she'll whine about the stupidest little nuances in my room. I hate trying to be someone I'm not for some idiot jerkbag perfect American Joe pompous butthole and his equally ignoramus family, and I hate trying to make my living space that way too. It's not like I don't wanna "go with the flow" like I'm supposed to like everyone else, but it's just who I am. I'm the black sheep. I'm the useless piece of crap.

 

It's not like my mom doesn't already have a "good son". My brother's like me but is actually talented and good at everything... he can manage a business and do handywork and is married with a kid. He's not much older than I, but aeons more successful. He's got plenty of friends that he can easily relate to, and was able to put away his rockstar dreams even though he is around PLENTY of talented musicians on a regular basis. I envy him, but I'm not bitter at all. I'm happy for him and his successes and all, and have always wished him nothing but the best. I continue to do so.

 

Pretty much, I'm the more useless, bohemian version of him who can't get a simple "hello" from the girl I'm drawn to much less date her, have insanely bad and irratic ADHD that goes undiagnosed, can't let go of his rockstar dreams despite of the hopelessness and writers' block and lack of contact with compatable musicians and has the most deficiant left-brain that makes some kids with Asperegers syndrome seem more normal. My life means nothing, and I exist only to be seen but not heard.

 

Plus, I can't imagine anybody missing me if I DO, infact, die. My sis-in-law and niece barely even acknowledge my existence, my mom thinks I'm a spoiled piece of crap (which is probably pretty accurate), my teachers and therapists think I'm simply lazy (which is likely true too) so they are hard on me and blame me for everything (which I already take the blame for), and I'm the black sheep of even my extended family. Hell, and more often than not, my friends leave me out when they're doing fun stuff.

 

I want to thank everyone on here for trying to help me, but I'm beyond help. I don't just WANT to die, I NEED to die ASAP. The only real use I might have is to be the lead actor in a stoner movie (which we already have Harold and Kumar and Jay and Silent Bob for) but what would be the point? Sure, I do have slightly above-average grammatical skills, but what use is that when you can buy a damn dictionary, thesaurus, or hell, even a COMPUTER with INTERNET access?

 

Thus, the only reason I'm alive is because

a. I haven't found a foolproof way to successfully die

and b. I still, pathetically enough, have a part of me that says I'll become a rockstar, get the girl of my dreams, move out together, and live happily ever after.

 

Ah, what's the use? Sorry I wasted everyone's time. I might reconsider killing myself when someone invents a time machine, but otherwise, it's set in stone.

 

Regardless, thanks for trying to help me, I sincerely appreciate it!

[thejigsup]

You love your brother enough to wish him well even though he has everything you would desire? Man, yes I am calling you a man, the world needs more of that attitude! I know people you would envy who could not do that. You will just need one success at something and then the world will see a very capable, loving soul. You need to wait for that. And way you talk about your brother, you would have to be a welcome addition to his family! Please move in with him and keep working at getting what you need from life. I am sure he loves you very much, how could he not? You just have to be the champion brother of all time!

[CynicalGuitarist]

You love your brother enough to wish him well even though he has everything you would desire? Man, yes I am calling you a man, the world needs more of that attitude! I know people you would envy who could not do that. You will just need one success at something and then the world will see a very capable, loving soul. You need to wait for that. And way you talk about your brother, you would have to be a welcome addition to his family! Please move in with him and keep working at getting what you need from life. I am sure he loves you very much, how could he not? You just have to be the champion brother of all time!

 

Me, the champion brother of all time? Nah... even though I never cussed him out or made fun of him or yelled at him or criticize him like he used to do to me, I don't think I'm that great of a person. I'm like that whenever I see someone more successful than I... I just hope their successes continue; why should I hold them back from what they're going to achieve anyways? Even for the lucky guy that gets the girl I have feelings for; I hope he's the happiest man alive and I hope he know how fortunate he is... and I'd wish that she'd be happy with him... if she's not already. Maybe I'm the proverbial "nice guy", but that doesn't matter in this world anymore... it's all about "contribution" and "productivity" which both went out the window with me.

 

Oh well, I guess it's better to be conscious of this than lie to myself (like my friend, whose a pathological liar does) ceaselessly.

 

Anyways, thanks for the kind words, thejigsup

[Brittanyxvx]

You need to realize that as a human being, You have Value.

And if you don't care about yourself, how can you expect others to?

 

I don't want to sound needy or anything,

But hopefully you didn't off yourself,

and don't.

 

If you'd like to chat, ya know.. if you're still existent..

Send me a message?