Is he just busy or not interested?

[justagirl]

Sorry this is so massively long!

 

Well, I'll give some background information first. I met this guy, about five or six months ago. Lets call him Billy. Ok so Billy and I talked quite a bit at the beginning, always online, never on the phone…he's a phone-a-phobic…so yeah. He met this girl Ally at a party about 2/3 months ago and they hit it off. I was really happy for him because he and I were just friends. So, he and I talked every so often, about Ally or whatever was on our minds that day. About a month and a half ago he and I started talking more often. Which led up to a month ago when he told me he wanted to take me on my first date, so he asked me and of course I said yes. So, a few minutes after he asked me he wanted to let me know that he still likes Ally and he wanted to let me know so he doesn't feel guilty and such keeping it from me. I told him I am cool with it and already knew he had feelings for her. So we went out, had an amazing time. He opened doors for me, held my hand in the movie, had his arm around me in the movie, was cuddling with me on the couch at home, and when we were saying goodbye he gave me my first kiss…it wasn't raunchy, no tongue…just pecks on the lips. I couldn't believe it. I had a smile plastered on my face for the next 2 weeks. He had told me he didn't want to leave he was having a great time and such, but unfortunately he had a 45 minute drive ahead of him. So a week later I went and saw him in his area. His sax quartet was playing for everyone that was looking at the lights on the streets. He wanted me to stand behind him while he played, offered me his chair, and was really glad I came, wanted to take me home (I couldn't though, he was disappointed about that), but anyway it was nice. No hugs or kisses…he couldn't because he was working, no problem though, I totally understood. So now, this is where my problem comes in

He and I had made plans to go to Disneyland this past Monday it didn't end up working out because I wasn't sure if he could go or not considering he and I hadn't talked from Friday night to Monday. When we finally talked on Monday he had told me that when he gets his check that he and I are going to go out this week and that the check should last us the month. I offered to pay for gas and such but he will not take money from me, so going out that night wasn't an option. But he told me to be patient (we were talking about freeway driving, my parents are getting strict all of the sudden and I'm not allowed on the freeway at night, yeah I know I'm 18 and what not, but still…have to follow the rules while under their roof) and that he isn't going anywhere. I have no clue what that meant, so I brushed it off somewhat, and than turned into a girl later on and started to over analyze what meaning I could squeeze from that phrase. (Surprisingly enough I can get many things from that statement.) So we hadn't talked from Monday night until last night, and he only talked to me to see if my brother could play a gig with him, and when I had asked how he was he told me he couldn't talk and got off. And he didn't acknowledge me today while he was on. I sent an email Tuesday night just to see how he was doing and such, and called him yesterday afternoon to say hi and make sure things were going well with all his jobs. He had warned me earlier this month that in December he is extremely busy. I completely understand, but I'm starting to think too much about what is going on and I'm probably thinking all the wrong things.

I keep going back to Ally, thinking things like he isn't interested in me anymore; he is all about her now. And that he doesn't have feelings for me what so ever and is trying to get out of what he put himself into. And that he is, in fact extremely busy and isn't meaning to ignore me. If he is busy (most likely the case), despite his being busy why can't he at least pick up the phone or something just to say "hi, I'm still alive, I didn't die on my way to L.A." or ya know, just something so I stop worrying.

 

I have no idea what to think, how to talk to him about it, what to do. I am completely stuck. I do like him. I've thought about the possibility of me just liking the feelings from being cuddled and such and the being with a guy, finally, feeling…but I realized that even before all the contact went on, I felt the feelings, the butterflies, being absolutely comfortable. Walking into Chili's he took his keys and phone out, handed them to me, I took them and stuck them in my bad, I didn't have to ask what he was doing, I just smiled and said "don't like anything in your pockets" and he responded with "don't like anything in my pockets." It was strange. It felt as if we had gone out thousands of times and that we had been together for years. At dinner sitting accross from him I would look at him and daze into his eyes and be in total awe at everything he had to say. I laughed constantly the whole night, he caught me blushing a few times (I never blush), and he would make little comments about guys being stupid for not going out with me and such. Told my mom I was beautiful. So yeah, I have reasons to feel the way I do. My feelings are real.

So I guess what I need advice on is how to deal with this, and what to understand. If anyone has ever been in a situation like this, maybe tell me what went on or something Or just comments, I don't know….this isn't fun though. I was happy, yeah I know we only went out like 1 ½ times…but still…

 

I'm sorry this was so long, but I really appreciate anyone who reads this even if no advice is given. Thank you.

 

Just confused,

 

Justagirl

 

[Beec]

 

 

By him taking you out, showing you his interest and making you feel he liked you, then not calling you, he has driven you crazy. He has made himself a challenge and you going crazy trying to figure out how to meet that challenge. Make yourself a challenge. Don't be devoted and in awe of him. Let him like Abby, but know when all is said and done, he's yours if you want him. let him know you like him, but make him come to you a little. Chasing him and trying to contact him all the time is not making you a challenge. Be patient, let him come to you a bit. If you chase him, you might chase him away.

[justagirl]

well, I was patient tonight, he was online again, and he signed off and my first thought was "oh thanks for noticing me" but than signed back on to say 'hi, that he's on his way to the gig and just wanted to make sure I'm good. '

So that was good that he said hi.

 

I guess I'm afraid that if I all of the sudden just stop talking to him he'll automatically think I'm not interested and just forget about me romantically and do the just friends thing.

 

Also, with Christmas coming up we won't be able to do anything because he will be busy with family and so will I. So I really wanted to do something this week. Also I got him a little somthing, nothing big, just a gift card to Banres and Noble, that I want to give him. So I'm going to send it to him snail mail since it is looking like hanging out anytime soon isn't an option.

 

Ah, I'm still confused.

 

Thank you for responding beec...at least by being patient this time I know he knows I'm around still.

 

Justagirl

 

[Colls]

Hey justagirl......im glad he talked to you tonite, sometimes i think jsut a hello, how are u online....before he has to go......is a BIG deal. He made a poin tto let u kno that hes still into you.

 

I agree with you that you probably are reading too much into this. Believe me, if any one reads way to into what guys say....its me. So i kno exactly how u feel. Relax a little bit, he probably is just busy. A guy i like didnt talk to me for a couple days, and the same thing happened. I panicked, but i finally asked him why he hadnt been talkin and he said he was busy because his mom was pregnant and he was with her a lot ( made me like him soo much more lol ). But it wasnt me, it was just that he actually was busy.

 

Im sure after him talking to you tonight, you feel so much better. So good luck with everything else, I hope it works out for ya.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Sorry, but I'm taking the other end on the answer to this question. I mean, you say he is extremely busy, but evidently he has enough time to sit down at his computer and log onto AIM. If he has time to do that, he should have time to chat a little bit with you and let you know that he is busy and he misses you.

 

Think about it, would you, if you were extremely busy, ignore him and cut contact? How freakin' hard is it to pick up the phone and have a 3 minute conversation to just to show you care? Not hard at all, yet this guy is not doing it for you.

[justagirl]

Thank you colls for your response, I felt a bit better after he said hey. I have a tendency to analyze things now, not sure where that came from. I used to just let things be what they are and not think to much into them, not anymore. thanks again

 

Thanks for your response down-in-a-hole. I understand the response you gave me. Trust me, I have thought plenty about it.

Most of the time he'll sign on, check his mail (he has to check it constantly because he manages a jazz band), put his away message on and write music, or leave the room and go do gigs, lessons, make phone calls to find people to fill in spots. He is constantly busy when hes on. Especially now that its Christmas and such.

But I do agree with a few seconds of his time to say hi isn't asking for much.

But being me, I'm going to let it go and do what I always do, smile, act like nothing is wrong, approach the situation after Christmas and hope all goes well.

Thanks again for your response

 

 

Justagirl

 

[Heartshock]

Hi Justgirl

 

BIG TIP - RE-READ BEEC's message. He is right on the money, without a doubt.

 

Believe me as a thirty-five year old women I have been around long enough to know he is speaking the absolute truth. I have been blown out the water time and time again because I didn't obey the laws of the

man/woman dynamics. And believe me it hurts.

 

If you chase your guy with calls, presents etc he going to diappear.

Guranteed. The law of nature. Hold your ground let him come to you. Men are competetive beings (how else would it be humanly possible to watch that amount of sport) and what they earn, they value.

 

That is why the moment you went quiet on him, he was e-mailing you. If your aim is to have a relationship with this guy, then you are going to have to go against what every fibre in your body screams. You going to have to go very quiet and very cool. It is tough it is a challenge

But you will get you man. On the contrary, intstead of losing interest

you will be on his mind, as he racks his brain on how he can win you.

 

This guy started keen and he will come back if you give him space to pursue you.

 

He is not earning you. You seem to be trying to win him. Don't.

A hard lesson to learn is that how we ladies treat our girlfriends

is not remotely the same way we need to treat our men at the beginning

of a relationship.

 

Pop down to the book-store, get a copy of the rules and I wish ya the best of luck.

 

Heartshock

[Beec]

Thanks heartshock, you are right about the gifts. justagirl, you should would not be giving him a gift card, not now and frankly not ever, unless he becomes just a friend. My problem with gift cards is that they are impersonal. There's no you in the gift. You would be better off taking the time to pick out a book worth half as much that you either know he will like because of who he is, or one that you would like to share with him. Two very different gifts, one is "I got what you like" the other "I loved this and want to share it with you." The first is almost always better than the second.

 

It's really just too early to get him anything, unless he is getting you something. You cannot buy his love. Want to do something much better, let him know you are buying something for someone else from who you will get nothing. In NYC, they collect letters written to Santa and people can read them, select a letter and answer it. A woman knew I picked one out and answered it, that more than anything more than the gift I got her, had her into me.

 

The Rules, I disagree with some of the Rules, but the concept is not bad. For example, the four to one email rule is bad, if I contact you get back to me. I think a woman or two following this Rules has lost her chance with me, as I thought her not responding meant she was either rude or not interested. My current gf agrees, she missed chances because of this.

[Osiris]

Greetings justagirl,

 

Well imho one have to be yourself, that`s it.

 

If person can`t accept you as your well then.

 

Surely a good common sense is an asset. If person doesn`t reply to e-mails, phone call perhaps he/she want to be alone or not interested, busy, etc. While in love do remember that you have your own life as well. So live your life and see what happens.

 

Perhaps a moderation could be a key. Do approach person if you ineterested, but don`t bug one with phone calls if one is not answering, and don`t say you gonna marry him/her on your first date

 

Thats is a general advice and one`s own judgement should be used find a best solution.

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

 

Osiris.

[justagirl]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for responding to my postings and such.

Heres a little update:

I emailed him a tiny little email, pretty much just saying hi. He wrote back an hour later, telling me what hes up to the next few days and what hes been doing and asking whats new with me and such. So that was good. I've been busy so I haven't been around as much, same with him, so that was the last time I talked to him.

 

Osiris thanks for responding. Just to clear some things up...I never mentioned anything about wanting to marry him after the first date. If thats what it read like than my mistake. But when I said that "this was going to work," or whatever my exact words were, I meant it as in I didn't think it was just a one time date thing. Also, I dont love him...we are friends trying the dating thing.

 

 

Heartshock, thank you for responding. I understand everything you wrote. I know that those are things I should be doing. Well, if only you and beec would have responded earlier...haha, he should be getting something in the mail, today. But this will be an out of nowhere thing, because I haven't talked to him since Friday night. But even if he doesn't like me more than just friends, we started out as friends, so giving a little gift really isn't such a bad thing. I hope not anyway.

 

Thanks again Beec. I am not trying to buy his love by getting him something. If I felt that was my only way of getting him to notice, a last chance sort of thing, I wouldn't have gotten him anything. I only got him something because he's a great friend. I'm not much of a rule girl, I go by "if it feels right, do it...if not, back off." Yeah, it has its problems just as the rules do, but I don't feel so confined to doing things I don't feel are right or maybe don't fit the situation. I'm not sure, whatever. But I do appreciate your advice and I know what you are saying. I was hesitant at first about sending the stuff, but than I figured if we never went on the date I would still get him something, so I shouldn't let a date change my decision. That works, right?

 

Haha, well he just messaged me. How funny, dont pay attention and he talks...hmm. So yeah, mom wanted him to come over today, so I emailed him Friday night telling him about what we are doing at my house today. He wanted to let me know he cant come over today, But he can after Christmas, Hes been busy everyday and night with the music on the street, And he is doing good. Hmm, alrighty. Didn't go too bad.

 

Anyway, I really do appreciate your guys's advice. I am going to step back and see how things go. Hopefully for the good.

 

Heartshock, I know I'll find a guy someday...just wish it didn't have to hurt so bad on the way there.

 

Bye and thanks again,

 

Justagirl

 

[justagirl]

.thanks for the advice everyone

[justagirl]

I've come to realize that my feelings for billy weren't as true as I thought they were. I brought him to Disneyland and it wasn't at all like the first date. He was a totally different person.

 

I believe he was there to try and fill the void that my other friend left. Also, this may sound odd, but I think Billy was around to show me, that yes I had my reasons for acting the way I did towards my friend and the situation, but I could have handled the situation differently. Less emotional I guess. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows.

 

I'm glad that I got a chance to experience this because I know now that you can't use or expect someone new to take away the feelings that are really meant for someone else. In my situation it only made me wonder more about how my friend is doing and think about the situation that went on.

 

But I just wanted to update one last time. Thank to all who helped me, I appreciate it.

 

Justagirl