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I cant let go...On the brink of obsession?


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Hello...I really need a reality check here....maybe you guys can help me put some things in perspective. I'm 18 years old and I just got out of a relationship 3 months ago. It was an extremely unhealthy relationship, I believe the girl I was dating might have had some pyschological issues and somehow they have really ended up effecting me. This girl was the first girl I had ever had sex with, the first girl I ever loved, and probably a few other firsts.


I can't seem 2 get over her even tho it has been 3 months.....I am so obsessed with her that I think it is unhealthy. I can't help but constantly wonder what she is doing.....I even get so crazy as to drive by her house! I don't want 2 but I feel the need 2. I can't get in2 any other relationshp becuz I feel like I'm waiting for her 2 come back 2 me. I feel dirty when I go out with other girls....I cant even touch them.....I feel extreme, extreme anger when I think about her with other guys and I have even gotten in2 a fight with one she was dating. I feel like....I will love her and only her and that without her I simply can't be happy. I also feel very alone...like I will never find another person that will love me becuz I'm simply not loveable besides by her....


Here is a little background information....We dated my entire Senior year of highschool, extremely physical relationship, sex several times a week..never had any issues...I cheated on her towards the end of my senior year...Broke up with her....she dated other guys over the summer.....and changed.......she became this really angry person..... I started dating her my freshman year...it was ok but it turned out she ended up cheating on me with at least 10 guys before we finally broke up 3 months ago. It wouldnt have been so bad if she actually admitted 2 it but she created these extreme web of lies that she had to take days to think up.....and b4 I knew it I thought I was paranoid and she wasnt even cheating on me. I found messages...letters.....20 people or so telling me....she denied it all and I believed her because I thought I loved her. She called me names....put me down.....and I didn't care because I wanted to feel loved so bad.


I dont think my obession would get to the point where I would do anything I would regret but I need 2 move on with my life. I cant tho because I still feel like I should be with her....I feel like she is the only one....I really need help.....hanging out with friends doesn't seem 2 help much....I do that a lot but I still think about her...dating doens't work, i only talk about my ex....I've talked 2 my parents...friends....they all tell me shes terrible and I'm better than that but all that does is make me angry....right now all I can think about is how bad I want 2 be with her.

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I'm gonna be blunt with you and tell you: take your parents and friends advice and forget about this * * * * . Not a very healthy relationship for either of you, and it hardly seems like you guys were ever on the same page.


I know what is killing you: the physical relationship. She was your first and the thought her with other dudes is keeping you up at night. It seems like that was a big part, or actually MOST of the relationship. Then when the honeymoon period wore off, some other girl caught your eye. You cheated...she turned her back on you and "changed" by cheating on you 10 times? Sounds like a bit of revenge on her part, as far as your dating period during freshman year.


You cheated, she cheated. Honestly, those kinds of actions need to be worked on before you even think about getting back with her, or anyone else in the future.


You need to let this go for now man. This is not the "one". Why would you want someone who cheats on you 10 times?

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I think you should really focus on improving your own life. It is so cliche to say, but find a hobby or a sport that you enjoy doing and engage in it immensely. Go out and meet new people, not for the romantic aspect, but just to be around new faces. Make a complete attempt to forget about this girl. If things work out, then they will work out and when you meet someone you should be with, then it will work out. Why do you want to be with someone who thinks so lowly of you. Think about it, if you were with her and dating her again, would you even enjoy your time with her if she just puts you down all the time? I think you both have issues that you need to work out alone. Breaking up is really hard, I know that personally. But you have to try to find something to get your mind off the person. That is the only way. If you keep dwelling in the past, you will miss out on the happiness that lies in your future.

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The first time you get your heart broken is the worst. Up until that point the world seems to make sense and afterward nothing does. Believe me dude, we've all been there and been just as hurt. What you need to do for yourself is to completely cut off all contact with this person. As horrible as it might sound, it is the best way to heal from what is bound to be a painful experience you won't forget. I'm 22 now and I still think about that girl I fell for back a few years ago (also a bad relationship). Believe me, you deserve better than that and don't ever doubt it. Hope does exist if you can survive this initial pain. Stay strong and you'll meet that special someone down the road.


We're all rooting for ya!

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I agree, you need to stay away and do not contact her any longer. It will be hard, but you will start to feel better in time. You will only be able to see things clearly and get your head together if you create emotional distance, otherwise everything is blurred and confused and messed up. Create that distance!

Hope you feel better soon, keep posting

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letting go is definitely hard. but you have to start going through the process of the breakup. you are still quite young- work that to your advantage. you have lots of time to heal and your whole life is ahead of you. understand that the pain you are feeling will one day be gone. it may be hard to imagine it at this point, but just believe in it. start accepting that things will never be the same again. it's going to hurt a lot and you will need to take it day by day. sit with this feeling of pain, because that's the only way u can deal with it. stay healthy, cope with it. do not be tempted to engage in destructive behavior. talk to anyone who will listen. talk to a shrink. mourn over the death of this relationship. if you are angry, allow yourself to feel angry. allow yourself to feel all the emotions. just observe and stay with these feelings until they are gone. do not act on them. do not contact her. just deal with the closure on your own.

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Please forgive me for going on at length here but i agree you need to find a distraction and create a sense of closure for your self by moving forward with your life..


As some of you have probably heard me talk about, My first romantic relationship started when i was 17, With a Girl 6 years older Named Kala. We were together for almost 5 years, And a great 5 years it was. We did everything together, and a lot of my Big "Firsts" happened with her by my side. She was the first girl I had loved, The first I had fallen asleep with, and the first I had slept with. She even taught me to drive, Practically every big moment in the transition from teen to adult she was there. We even started a business together...


Well a week before my 22nd birthday She had stayed behind to wait for a delivery and i went home to start dinner and what not... At 11pm that night i got the worst news of my life when her best friend Rachel called me and told me that Kala had been killed in a car wreck. I managed to pull my act together thru the funeral and at least to the outside world things looked as tho i was okay, But i wasn't. I practically stopped sleeping (Like only for 2 or 3 hrs every 3 days) I was living on Cigarettes, Coffee, and energy drinks... a total mess and when i wasn't working I was constantly obsessing over how it was my fault, i should have stayed instead of her, it should have been me etc. The reason I tell you all this is because I made the mistake of going into another relationship while i was still obsessed with kala and Hadn't found closure with what had happened.


Remember the best friend Rachel? Well ultimately we ended up finding ourselves together on the other side of this tragedy, But it left me in a very difficult situation. When i finally did accept what had happened and went to move on i realized i had already moved on like in autopilot with out knowing what i was doing... it was like i had to re live everything that i had done from the Time of Kala's death to that point in time to have a grasp on what my life was and were i was going. I was fortunate to have Rachel who turned out to be extremely stable and supportive through the whole mess.


Now you're girl might still be alive you can easily end up in the same place i was. so heres my advice to you:


1) Be mindful that when you do begin dating again that your dating the girl, not just searching for something to fill the void left by your ex.

2) Be sure you are Comfortable with yourself, and have accepted and let go of the past before you get involved again.

3) In the mean time, Get to know yourself again, find hobbies, and make new friends. Just have fun but dont get into anything serious until you feel comfortable again.

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Alright, thanks a lot for the posts guys....I already feel better from all the replies and supportive remarks. cfcommunist I think you really hit the nail on the head, I now realize I wasnt dating other girls because I liked them....it was because I wanted the gap in my life filled, I wanted a replacement. I even went so far as to pretend like I liked other girls so things felt the same...I was living a lie. I think I will try my best to stay away from her....I will not go in any location where she might be...I am just worried about when she calls my cell phone and tells me she wants me back.....I'm afraid that I am going to answer and give in to her. Somehow when she talks 2 me, i forget everything bad shes ever done to me and I feel so happy. I have noticed I think about her less than I used 2....the first 2 weeks I think I probably only slept about 2 hours a night because all I could think of was how I will never love again.....shes with another guy..etc......now I may only think about her 2 or 3 times a day and I can usually sleep 6 or 7 hours. I have a shrink at my college that is free to have sessions with so I think I am going to look in2 that. I start a new job tomorrow...I will reply in a week to see if my feelings have changed any...

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I am trying to let go....and the reason you give me to leave her isn't valid in my mind. According to her she has never cheated on me....she has only had sex with me, no one else. I am afraid to end this relationship because I think that maybe she didn't cheat and I'm ruining this relationship by ending it on events that I don't know really happened. I feel like it's my fault for accusing her falsely, that's the reason she is mean 2 me.

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I'm guessing she cheated on you with a couple guys, not 10. So she's pulling a classic semi-lie.


Look, you are very young, and most girls at that age (and guys, for that matter) are idiots, plain and simple. And its fine...that's not a putdown, that's just kind of how it is. I sure was one. You have really got to take what the opposite sex does with a grain of salt at that age, no matter how emotionally 'into' her you think you are. That means it doesn't matter if she tries to give you sugarcoated sweet-talk, or hurt you by blowing another guy in front of you, you take it ALL with a grain of salt. In other words, do not fall for that girl in any way, shape, or form, or you will get burned, plain and simple. Just take the advice here and forget about her. She's all about playing games and feeding her ego with a steady diet of testosterone and being a jaded narcissist. Don't contribute to that. Trust me, by the time you're completely over her, and older, you'll laugh at yourself for ever liking her. There are so many girls like this out there too, it's sad. Oh, and I hate to say it, but the more physically attractive you guys are, the more this applies because it infuses more sexuality into your lifestyles, which of course leads to more potential for drama and shallow character traits at that age. I'd rather go gay than date a 19 year old girl.

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