We are falling appart

[Japanfreak05]

My boyfriend and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary this past weekend, but he was upset with me Sunday night because he felt that I was only with him for the benefits (he pays my cell phone bill and got me a car and pays the note while I pay the insurance) I sent him an email back expressing my thoughts but he never sent me anything back.

 

So I'm thinking he's mad at me all day today cause he never responded to my email, so I didn't call him today, nor did he say anything to me. He calls me at 10:30pm tonight and says he is going to bed. Then sends me a text saying he found out today that his mom has lung cancer and he turned off his phone. He is now mad at me because I didn't call him.....

 

The last I heard from him he was mad at me!!!! I sent him a text saying if I would have known what happened I would have definitely called him. But I had no idea....I was thinking he was mad at me so I was just doing my homework. I asked him why didn't he tell me earlier. Of course he won't get that text until he turns his phone back on.

 

I am so frustrated right now because he is getting mad at me like crazy. I feel so upset about his mom. His dad JUST passed away in December 2007 I don't know what do now.....it's so hard....and I want to be there for him...but he's mad at me!!! I feel like such a horrible girlfriend right now!!! I don't know what to do!!! I want to be there for him, and I really screwed it up today....but I had no idea. He can't be mad at me for not knowing!!! Can he??

[NametheGame]

He's probably still really upset about finding out about him mom...with that getting all mixed up with him being mad at you before he's probably feeling pretty rough right now and might not even know how how he feels except he feels like crap!

 

The best thing you can do for him is just let him know you care and that you want to be there for him. Then sort out the issue with the benefits as soon as you can!

[Haven]

I would suggest dropping everything you're doing right now and going to find him in person. He probably feels like his life is just falling apart right now... his mom has cancer, and his girlfriend of 3 years doesn't seem to care about him for anything more than his money.

 

You just have to show him that you DO care, and are not in it for the benefits. If you want to be there for him, then be there for him. Don't just send him text messages. I'm actually surprised that you haven't tried to go over to his house or apartment yet.

[Japanfreak05]

And what makes it worse is he wouldn't send me any texts or call me, but he was texting the girl he told me he wouldn't talk to anymore. He sent her texts before he said anything to me. what the heck

[dont_know_what_2_say]

why dont you just go to his house and be there for him.

if he has his cellphone off, but he did want you to be there for him, then i would just show up, if i had no other way to contact him aside from his cellphone

and explain to him everything you just said, instead of sending him a text and waiting for him to turn on his cellphone.

so yes, my advice go see him! explain yourself, and tell him you're there for him.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

He was texting the other girl u didnt want him to contact, because he felt you just weren't there for him, and like you said he told you, that you were in it for the benefits

 

to me its just to try to get a reaction from you of sorts

 

but still just GO! GO SEE HIM IN PERSON! show him taht you care

dont just wait around for him to turn on his cellphone and be worried

 

UNLESS he lives in another country and thers no way you can go see him

[Japanfreak05]

 

You just have to show him that you DO care, and are not in it for the benefits. If you want to be there for him, then be there for him. Don't just send him text messages. I'm actually surprised that you haven't tried to go over to his house or apartment yet.

 

I do try to show that I care, I buy him things all the time, I made our anniversary so special I decorated my room and everything, I do a lot of things for him and he doesn't even seem to notice the things that I do, I don't know what more I could do....I do sentimental things and I've bought him a ton of clothes. I'm not going over there cuz he said he was going to sleep. And that would be kinda rude he lives with his mom and I doubt she'd like that. Plus it's midnight here.

[Japanfreak05]

And I tried the whole "just show up" thing when his dad was in the hospital. He yelled at me for coming and I just went right back home.

[arcadefire]

This guy is totally giving you mixed signals. You say that he is taking you for granted, ignoring you, getting upset at you, texting another girl, etc. This is all very unhealthy.

 

My suggestion is to drop all of this at the moment and be there with him for his mother. The next time he blows up at you or continues this behavior of not appreciating what you do for him, I would talk to him and tell him that he doesn't have any right to get mad at you when you're trying to be there for him. Ask him what's wrong. It's easiest to know by asking.

[Japanfreak05]

I don't know....he won't even talk to me. I sent him texts and an email and I got mad he talked to that girl and I said something about that to him.....I am so messing up right now....I wouldn't be surprised if he left me.

[Haven]

I do try to show that I care, I buy him things all the time, I made our anniversary so special I decorated my room and everything, I do a lot of things for him and he doesn't even seem to notice the things that I do, I don't know what more I could do....I do sentimental things and I've bought him a ton of clothes. I'm not going over there cuz he said he was going to sleep. And that would be kinda rude he lives with his mom and I doubt she'd like that. Plus it's midnight here.

 

I understand that you've done a lot for him, but right now he is feeling incredibly at loss because he's losing another parent, and you can't buy anything in the world to fix that. Money isn't going to do a thing in this situation.

 

If you truly care about him, you have to do the difficult thing. It's extremely easy to spend money if you have it. Being there for someone in person can be very difficult.

 

I truly doubt he's asleep at midnight, especially if he was upset earlier. He might even be texting other people and just ignoring your texts because he feels as if you have betrayed him by not calling him or expressing care/interest about his life. (Especially since you've only sent emails/texts, which take very little effort.)

 

You could go knock softly on his window, or toss a pebble at it if he doesn't live on the first floor. Unless he sleeps in the same room as his mother, that's not going to wake her up. Plus if he's really asleep, a light tap on the window won't wake him up. Tell him what you posted here, that you care about him and want to talk, etc, and ask he wants to take a walk with you (or go to a park or any special places the two of you have), to talk.

 

Yes, that would be difficult. But again, if you're shying away from doing the difficult things, then how much do you really care? Sure, he might yell at you again... OR you might be saving your relationship. If you make it clear that you are there because you care about him (don't get upset or anything), he shouldn't be angry with you at all.

[DN]

Why is he paying for your phone and car?

[Japanfreak05]

 

I truly doubt he's asleep at midnight, especially if he was upset earlier. He might even be texting other people and just ignoring your texts because he feels as if you have betrayed him by not calling him or expressing care/interest about his life. (Especially since you've only sent emails/texts, which take very little effort.)

I am sending texts because he turned his cell phone off. I did not know what had happened with his mom, If I would have known I definitely would have dropped everything and called him. But I had no idea....I thought he was just mad at me. I don't know why he would feel betrayed, when I didn't even know.

[Haven]

I am sending texts because he turned his cell phone off. I did not know what had happened with his mom, If I would have known I definitely would have dropped everything and called him. But I had no idea....I thought he was just mad at me. I don't know why he would feel betrayed, when I didn't even know.

 

Well, maybe he doesn't feel betrayed. You seem to have justified all of your actions from your point of view.

 

But from his point of view, it probably doesn't seem like you've been there for him at all. Even if you didn't know about it before, you do know about it now, and you're not doing anything except sending texts to his phone which you KNOW is off. He has no way of knowing that you're trying to contact him. From his point of view, you're not making any effort at all.

 

And if your response is, "Oh, well when he turns his phone back on it'll be ok," then I don't see why you're worried. If he's asleep and will see your text when he wakes up, then what's the problem? You know him better than any of us do. I would have thought he would be upset that you didn't try to contact him in person, but according to you he would be MORE upset if you tried to do so... clearly, then, you shouldn't be concerned.

[Japanfreak05]

yeah I think you are right. When he says he's going to sleep he goes to sleep if that's one thing he knows how to do is sleep. So I hope when he sees the texts in the morning he will not be so mad at me. I am just freaking out right now because he is mad at me for not being there, when I didn't even know anything had happened, he didn't say two words to me all day, and he was mad at me the last time I talked to him. I just feel really bad cuz I want to be there for him, but I wasn't today. And he's mad because I wasn't there....makes me feel like a bad girlfriend. And then he sent the other girl texts today but didn't send me anything, makes me feel worse.

[JadedStar]

And what makes it worse is he wouldn't send me any texts or call me, but he was texting the girl he told me he wouldn't talk to anymore. He sent her texts before he said anything to me. what the heck

 

I think this is bad news. Yes, he probably feels as if his world is falling apart and i feel very bad for him, but think about it - would you do this to him in your most critical time of need?

 

People i have known in my life who get angry at the one their love when times are stressing typically make for tough partners to be with. I have known someone like this and everytime the chips were down and life was stressed he would flip out on the people who cared about him the most.

 

It gets old. Go to him and be there for him but if he shuts you out and stays angry then i'd say he does not know how to lean on someone when times are tough and believe it or not a partner needs to know how to do this sometimes.

 

that said i agree with the others that sending texts to him when you know his phone is off isn't exactly doing due diligence to be there for him. Get in a car and go see him.

 

I also wonder why he is paying for your phone and car?

This might be an isolated incident that is brought on by enormous grief by the news of his mother. You wno't know this unless you make a stronger effort to reach out to him. Texting him is pretty futile if his phone is off. If that were me, i'd have been in the car on my way to see him the minute he said his mom had cancer.

[Japanfreak05]

Thanks Jaded. I can't hop in a car and see him....if he hurts the people he cares about most when he's mad....I doubt he would be any nicer if I just showed up at his house. plus it's 1am and he has to get up at 7am

 

3 years ago I had a pre-paid phone that I paid for on my own. For Christmas he decided to get me a contract phone with him and he just took on the bill. I am in school still working the minimal paid retail and I was forced to move out my house and on my own. He pays my cell phone bill because he wants to help me. I offer to pay it, but he always tells me "that's ok I got it". I had 2 cars previous to the one I have now, they have been old cars that I have to pray just to make it to point A to point B without ending up on the side of the road or in a wreck. His boss was selling his rarely used 2001 BMW and my boyfriend really wanted me to have it so I would finally have a dependable car. He said he would pay the car note, and I pay insurance. He works as a contractor....drawing buildings on the computer all day. It's really just me and him since my parents don't help me so, he thinks of it as taking care of me. He reminds me every chance he gets how much he does for me.....and whenever I get mad at him he reminds me how much he does for me like I shouldn't be mad. so that's the downfall. But I am grateful for his help. I pay all the rest of my bills on my own.

[JadedStar]

Well, i didn't want to jump on the bandwagon and slam you right off since we don't know the whole story. I do think it is a redflag for him to show grief by proclaiming you "betrayed him". I know he is hurt and hopefully this is an isolated incident because the grief is overwhelming but if this is how he handles huge stressors, by turning ON instead of TO the one he loves, its a pretty big redflag. As i said i have known men like this (not as many women but i am sure they exist) and it is hard for the partner to deal with when they are seen as the enemy when their partner goes thru a hard time.

 

I would say do whatever you can to be there for him thru this and if this continues as a pattern, you might wanna rethink it.

[knightNshiningarmor]

I would suggest dropping everything you're doing right now and going to find him in person. He probably feels like his life is just falling apart right now... his mom has cancer, and his girlfriend of 3 years doesn't seem to care about him for anything more than his money.

 

You just have to show him that you DO care, and are not in it for the benefits. If you want to be there for him, then be there for him. Don't just send him text messages. I'm actually surprised that you haven't tried to go over to his house or apartment yet.

 

if you can at all accomplish this i would highly recommend it...check amtrack or greyhound id go with thefirst of if its not too far taxi maybe or if its really far find a way to get a flight...it would man the world to him.

[knightNshiningarmor]

if you can get to a position to start taking over more of your bills i would do that...just tell him that he doesnt need to and that you want to...or start using your money to buy him things...to offset it some might make him feel its all worth while.

[elizmdavis]

Yes, I agree with most everyone in here....GO SEE HIM!! I also agree that by balming the "paying your bills" thing on you , he is looking for some sort of reaction. Emotions are a crazy thing, especially when your heart is worried about family. It may seem so random that this all came up, but it does. You guys have been together for 3 years, there is a reason for that. Be there for him, he will appreciate it..even if he resists at first. He may really need someone right now and does not know where to turn.

 

Good luck, let us know how it goes

[ghost69]

it seems you post on average once a month or 2 about how you are falling apart. i think you need to take a look at this relationship and decide what you want and where you need to go. whether it's with him or moving on.

[JadedStar]

Bewitched, after seeing ghost's post above i checked your other threads as a memory refresh. I agree, you are falling apart every month or so over something and this is a pattern with him. He seemed to do the same thing when his father died - saying you were not there for him.

 

You dont seem to trust him and he wanted to break up in Oct. I think his behavior is consistent with a guy who is not into the relationship anymore. I think you should think about where this is really heading and if it is truly working out.

[servedcold]

Sorry for his parental situation, but this guy sounds extremely manipulative and controlling. Have you ever thought that it's possible he pays your cell bill so he can keep tabs on who you call? The car is fishy also, and wouldn't seriously suggest that there is a GPS in there somewhere, but stranger things have happened. After all, he could just pay your rent and let you handle the car and phone yourself, but that would represent less control. Based on your description of his behavior, I wouldn't be surprised if he sees the car and phone as control mechanisms, and this is very unhealthy.

 

People who beat you over the head frequently with all they do for you are bad news, and doubly so when they accuse you of just using them for money when you have given no indication of this and do lots of nice things for him.

 

Haven't read your other threads, but if this guy has a history of this kind of behavior, I think you could do better with someone else.

[thejigsup]

Please, for your own sake, pay for your own phone and give him back the car! I have a twenty-year-old car, but it's MINE! I pay for everything I own except my internet, which my bf gets for free because he has many business and personal computers hooked up with this company. I mean, mine is a freebee! I work three jobs sometimes to support myself and my son, but I don't depend on anyone else but myself. When you are dependent on others for things, they start to play with your head because they can.

[Japanfreak05]

I am a pretty independent person, I didn't want him to get the car cuz I KNEW he was going to start danggling it in my face and threating to take it away, but he insisted I get a better car he wouldn't let me say no, he did all the paper work with his boss. The car is in my name though. The job I have now, while I am in school it is impossible for me to pay my apartment rent, utilities and everything else....making 300 dollars every 2 weeks. I Just started working at Macy's which pays more so lets see how that goes. I want to pay all my stuff by myself. I just need more money.