I am jealous of my girlfriend's multiple "hook-ups"

[apex90]

My girlfriend and I take our relationship very seriously. It has been over 4 months together and we love eachother dearly, so much so that "I love you" has become more pervasive in our conversations than even the most cuddly of couples! We tell eachother how special the other is and how it is a new sort of love, and I am certain she believes me as much as I believe her. However my jealousy and insecurities inundate a lot of my time when I'm not with her and I have even had conversations with her about her past, which is the subject of my problem.

Before we started dating she and I were what can crudely be called "hook-up buddies." It was only 2 months after seeing eachother that we actually started dating. We met on an organized school group trip and had our first sexual relations then and kept meeting after that. We were both quite guarded in our trysts but slowly became more affectionate than we had before. Throughout these times she would refer to her past as being full of ex hook-ups in an almost proud, jovial manner as she has the persona of a "party-girl." As our relationship was becoming stronger it got to the point where we felt so comfortable with eachother that I asked her if she had hooked up with anyone else since we had started our relationship, she replied yes saying three others, including one on the trip that she and I had met. She feels quite guilty about her past and especially about this as she realized how much it hurt me, she even cried and apologized about doing it; something I'd never have expected from someone as guarded as she once was. I can't help but think of this as her cheating on me in those first two weeks even though I was business as usual for her promiscuous ways, which she says "aren't as bad as I think" and I believe her. But my confidence was wholly hurt for a while, considering how "easy" she once was, even when she met me. I even made the point to ask her to have some self-respect for herself, in a gentle manner but I feel like as a boyfriend it's a terrible thing to say but as her best friend it's something she needs to hear. But since we have had multiple conversations about my problem with her past and she has told me to concentrate on the present and reminded me she had never felt about anyone like she does about me. I feel so conceited in saying this, as I have pretty humble/low self-esteem, in that I feel like I should deserve better than someone that she used to be, but I have to remember that she has esentially changed FOR me. Can anybody empathize or offer some words to help?

 

God bless,

Apex90

[midnightrambler]

if you can't stand your gf multiple hook ups I recommend two possibilities to get over it

 

1. get more hook ups for yourself to "even the score"

2. stop dating her if it eats you up that bad

[apex90]

She's not been hooking up with anyone else from the past, are you suggesting I dump her temporarily, hook up with other people, and get back together with her? Or have I not clearly written this out?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Three words for you: GET OVER IT or else two words, MOVE ON.

 

You have to remember that you yourself were sleeping around with her, so this is a variant of the old double standard where you as a guy get to do it but she as a girl can't without getting thought badly of. So you are holding her to a standard to which you don't even hold yourself!

 

So past is past, and if you think you 'deserve better' go find it. Or perhaps find a girl who lies about how many men she's been with so you think she is virtuous but she is really just a liar... see my point?

 

If you have a good relationship with your girlfriend, enjoy the way you are together, then you should let it go and just date her long enough to make sure she isn't backsliding. There are LOTS of young men and women who sleep around a lot when young who grow out of it and marry and stay faithful. And men never worry about how many women they sleep with, infact see it as a badge of honor. So she is doing nothing different than most guys do.

 

If you really want a virginal bride type, go get one. But you also might discover that such a woman doesn't even like sex. So you have a nice 'good' girl but a lousy sex life.

 

Life is never simple nor black and white. You are fighting shadows if you are spending time being jealous of her past. That is about you and your own insecurities, not her. What is more important to you... your image of who you should be with, or the actual, real girl you are with? You decide.

 

She may get sick of being flogged over this and leave you if you don't lighten up so this may solve itself.

[NorthDallas40]

Don't hook up with more people just to even the score. That's stupid.

 

But you're going to have to just GET OVER HER PAST or break up. What she did before can't be undone, and you need to trust that she's changed until she gives you reason to believe otherwise.

 

And for the future: if you can't handle knowing the truth about a girl's past, don't ask.

[midnightrambler]

She's not been hooking up with anyone else from the past, are you suggesting I dump her temporarily, hook up with other people, and get back together with her? Or have I not clearly written this out?

 

hook up with people in secret.....it did wonders for me. I needed 4 to catch up with my then gf. It took me about 2 years to get even

[apex90]

that is just god-awful advice

[Nixee]

You have to realize something important about this situation - You can make your girlfriend feel horrible and guilty about her past... you can make her cry, make her feel ashamed, tell her she should have more self-respect, listen to her say she regrets it.... but you cannot change the past, and neither can she. What's done is done.

 

So what is the sense in being jealous over it?

 

You need to ask yourself - do you truly love her now.. for who she IS now? Because it sounds like she changed her lifestyle in a pretty major way for you, and though her past can be a hard thing for you to get over, perhaps you are looking at this in the wrong way.

 

Instead of focusing on the bad things that are in the past... why not focus on the good things that are in the now... as it seems that is what she is clearly more interested in NOW.

 

Or... you could do what midnightrambler suggested and just try to even the score, but I think you can look inside yourself already and see just how hollow that will make you feel ultimately.

[NorthDallas40]

that is just god-awful advice

 

But it is hilarious!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really don't think you are in a position to judge her considering you were quite ready, willing and able to accept her sexual services as well. Pot calling the kettle black. As for love...do either of you really know what love is that you have to repeat it several times a day etc. I suspect you are still in high school or early college and this is just one of these high school/early college romances with tons of I love you's and then a few months later it is on to the next person who is suddenly the big love.

 

The bottom line is if you can't accept that she was promiscuous then end the relationship and realize that if you are going to have no strings attached hookups with someone, chances are they have done that with others, so don't get into a relationship with them.

 

BeStrong, I always like your advice but I do have to disagree on this comment:

. Just because someone waited until marriage, doesn't mean that the woman doesn't like sex. It is a fallacy to assume that "good girls" are frigid and make lousy sex partners. "Good girls" may have just wanted to wait until they were truly committed to someone before really letting their hair down.