I feel unappreciated - should I run - pls help

[tamara78]

Hi guys, I would appreciate your input. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now (living together for 6 months). We are in love and I know he loves me very much and is hinting at marriage (he is 27, I am 29). Recently however, I have noticed a few things that are bothering me and listing them may help me get my head around things, and also getting input from someone with an objective view.

 

He treats me well - he is loyal, sincere, helps around the house, has a good job and career, etc, etc. The problems I have with him are these: he shows no emotional support at all - when I am sick, when I am down, when I have a problem. I never feel understood or supproted by him, even though he insists he does this. I feel like he never looks out for me or protects me and he can be quite cold towards me (although there are periods when he is very warm too). He also criticieses my appearance quite a lot, with comments about my nose, my cheeks, my breast size, the fact that I am too skinny, tiny hairs I have on my arms etc, etc. He also notices other women in public. This is all starting to make me feel insecure even though I am happy with my appearance and have never had any reason to think about the things he raises regarding my appearance. When I mention this to me - he says he is joking and that he wants me to be perfect. I feel that this is too much pressure on me and I simply can not relax and feel that I am loved for who I am.

 

I know this guy loves me - I am just afraid that he will never know how to show it and that because he was mistreated as a child and only given criticism instead of supprt, he is doing the same thing to me. And this scares me. I don't know whether to run or stay - I love him very, very much and think he is a great guy in all other rspects. I have spoken to him about this many times and things improve a little bit but I am always left feeling unappreciated and find myself yearning for a lot more love and appreciattion (I was brought up in a very loving and caring household).

 

Thank you.

[Angel_baby]

Marrying him won't change anything. In fact the longer you two live with each other the bigger this problem will get.

 

Honestly? He sounds like a jerk to me. I think he is the one that is insecure and he is belittling you to make himself feel better.

 

You said there are times where he is really sweet towards you and then it will go right back to treating you with no support or care... It should be where he always cares about you. You shouldn't feel like you have to pry the support out of him.

 

He won't change. My husband started out like what you just described. Played with my emotions... It isn't leading towards anything healthy.

[tamara78]

Thanks Angel. Another thing I forgot to add is that he makes me feel very guilty about one of my last relationships, which was with an older man, after a very painful break up with an ex boyfriend - the relationship with the older man was casual and helped me in all respects to get back on my feet but he just constantly brings it up and makes me feel like I have done something wrong - obviously this was before I met my current boyfriend. I just feel like he isn't seeing what he has in front of him but is always concentrating on what I don't have. It has come to the point where he says I nag him constantly if I mention this problem.

[Lana0120]

He's a great guy but... there seem to be an awful lot of downsides to this guy... are you sure they don't actually outweigh what is good about him? Even if he does love you and you love him in return, he's eating away at your self-esteem and making you feel unhappy. Long-term you may grow to resent him. I'd suggest talking to him about this, but if he makes excuses for himself and won't address the problems, then I think you should seriously re-evaluate this relationship.

[tamara78]

Yes, there certainly are downsides. The main one is that he is eating away at my self esteem and always feel like I am trying to prove to him that I am beautiful, that I am worth all the love and attention I should be getting - whereas I have never had to do this in the past. The fact that his parents treated him the way he is treating me now is no good and I am scared that I will start to resent him.

 

I have talked to him about all of this and he has made a lot of changes, but some things still remain. I don't know what to do....

[RayKay]

Sorry, I don't care how much he says he loves you, someone whom is constantly critical is missing the biggest part of loving someone - acceptance of whom you are.

 

he wants me to be perfect

 

And he is? NO ONE IS PERFECT! Someone whom expects (and tries to critique you to get you there) has a total lack of understanding what love is all about.....loving someone is not about loving a "perfect person", it's about learning to love an imperfect one perfectly (well, as best as you can!).

 

I had an ex whom was like this - said I was "near perfect" but he wanted me to be perfect. There is a reason he is an ex. This was simply a way for him to have control, exert manipulative tactics to make himself feel better and was truly a horrible way for me to live as I never felt truly loved or free to be ME.

 

It is a form of abuse, and a way to drive down your self esteem because of their insecurities. It's not worth it.

 

You should not have to worry about "proving" to him you are beautiful and 'worth' the love and attention you "should be getting". No way would I stay in a relationship where I was not loved as I was - I am way too comfortable in my own skin to put up with that!

 

Would you really be happy living like this forever (because marriage certainly won't make things better!). Would you really be happy living a life without emotional support? What if you get REALLY sick (like cancer or something) or have a traumatic pregnancy, lose a parent, etcetera?

[Sparkle]

Hi Tamara

 

He sure is a guy with a problem, and what you need to get clear in your mind is that the problem is with him.

 

Its clear, as another poster said, that he obviously has low self esteem, and by putting you down, and making you feel insecure, makes him feel better.

 

If you love him, and choose to stay with him, you are going to have to fight for yourself. What I mean is, you are going to have to think this through and try to remember how you felt about yourself before you met him, and focus on this. You clearly see how his childhood patterns are repeating, so you know deep down that its his problem.

 

Its so annoying that they do this stuff, then when you get upset say that they were joking, youve no SOH or are too sensitive - its not you, its him! He doesnt know any other way, yet you do, you know people dont usually talk this way to you.

 

If he makes some glib comment about your appearance (i.e your cheeks) say to him, ' im sorry that YOU have a problem with it, I dont.

 

Turn the problem back to where it lies, with him.

 

If this is something that you really cant do, and beware, this behaviour can really knock you down after awhiles, then leave him, or give him the option of getting some therapy to deal with his demons.

 

Its not a problem that you caused, and its not something that you can change. You can only let him know how you expect to be treated, and its not by accepting being pulled down all the time.

 

I wish you luck.

[tamara78]

Thank you all for your replies. And you are all very correct in what you are saying. I just don't feel I have the strenght to break up with him - I love him too much. I feel like I am either waiting for things to get better or for everything to get too much and then I'll be in a position to break up, without wondering about the what ifs.

[tangi39]

He does seem to have a lot of issues.

Only you know if you want to stay or leave. It is not always easy to walk when you love someone even with their sometimes obvious shortcomings.

But the other posters are right, Marriage will not change a thing.

If he does not want to change no amount of time will make it magically happen.

A certain part of it is him and his issues, but please bear in mind, He will only treat you how you allow him to treat you. Have you told him how much this bothers you ?

Perhaps you should try telling him that you do not like or accept this critisicm and that it is not funny to you. Then tell him you will not stay with him if he continues to treat you this way. And see how he takes it, He'll either make and effort of not. His reaction might give you a clearer picture of how you should proceed.

[kiwi24]

Hi. I am actually in the same position as you but with a lot of complications. Your guy actually sounds like an almost exact copy of mine. A lot of times he is warm and protects me but then a lot of times hes cold, unemotional, uncaringetc....But I am always there for whatever his needs are. He has gotten used to it and know that "I will always be there..."

Take it from first hand experience that this behavior will continue no matter what even if you decided you need "better" yourself. It will always be something more because he's the type of guy that will never be happy with what he has. In my case my bf/finace said that I was perfect in every way but that I was too fat and my breasts were too big at a size C!! And I am 125 lbs at 5'4...thats not fat. But no he said he wanted me to be really thin. Me because I love him so much thought what's the harm. I've lost weight and a good amount. But it is never enough..his response..."damn you are starting to look good...just a little bit more and you'll be perfect."

Honestly i am sure you can pick out his flaws that he can work on...but if he is not willing to why should you? I have heard this belittling from my bf for almost 2 years now and it has had made me so self-conscious about myself. At the same time I dont want to leave him because I love him. But in the end you have to look after yourself because this type of talk will drive you crazy. I am now after 2 years trying to take that step to just walk away (along with other reasons). I'll tell you its heart wrenching but it's necessary because his attitude and "immaturity" will drive me straight down into the ground.

Really evaluate if you would be able to hear this for the rest of your life. It's up to you and how much you can tolerate! Good luck..

[afonselaca]

The fact that it bothers you that he treats you yourself this way should be a red flag, but another issue would be if you have children with him. You would be made to watch all the criticism directed at your child first hand.

 

It would be difficult to rear a child in the loving way you would be inclined toward since your parenting styles (would) differ so drastically.

[chocolate-cake]

Emotional support is one of the biggest factors i value in relationship- dissing ur appearance but still (im assuming) having sex/being physical shows more what a pig he is than how unattractive u are,

have a serious tlk n tell him that its unacceptable- communication iskey