Feeling so low and mixed up, falling into that black hole, please help pull me out!

[mca1975]

Dear All

 

I feel quite overwhelmed by my feelings today and need some help. Feels like Im slipping into this black hole almost and gotta climb out! I was suffering with a hangover yesterday and also have had contact with the guy im trying to stay away from over the weekend, which has made me think of him again and has given me hope that he misses me/wants to be with me.

 

Its like a pavlov's dog syndrome every time, its a game of control between us. Im not sure if I'm playing it, but im trying to break away from it. I finished it last week, not that you could have called it a proper relationship, but I decided I just couldnt handle it anymore and let him know by text. He leaves me alone, then he contacts me a week later being quite romantic. This confused me. It's because he wont committ. He switches on me. When we are together he is so happy and so am I and it feels very coupley and just great spending time with each other, but then he will switch and close up and then I wont hear from him for a while. I think he genuinely has some emotional problems as he has explained them in detail, but I also have emotional problems, so we are not a good match.

 

I am finding that I am now just thinking of him nearly ALL THE TIME and waiting for the next piece of contact like Pavlov's Dog. Its driving me insane, waking me up at night, I feel so mixed up in my brain. Ive slept most of today, because I just dont want to think about it anymore. I must add that I am not suicidal tho.

 

All I want is a boyfriend who cares and loves me and who I can spend time with but the way that he has openly admitted his problems with commitment and the way he goes awol on me, well it wasnt making me feel very special, so I decided to not see him anymore, though it killed me. I last seen him over two weeks ago. I dont understand why I feel so strongly about wanting a boyfriend, I want it so badly. I get envious of other couples, but I love it when they look happy and I just long for that for myself. I wouldnt say I get jealous as I am not a vindictive person and I feel glad for my friends when they find happiness like that. All my friends and family say that I need to just enjoy life and not look for love, but I am always looking for it. I just cant help it. Its not like I am a hopeless case either, I am good looking and get lots of attention from men but I always go for the ones who have problems and who look like they cant commit. I'm attracted to those. Ive got a good social life too and so many good friends, I am very lucky, but I just feel so lonely inside and want a partner. My family are all around me and are great. I live alone too. My last boyfriend was very possessive and controlling and we had an awful break up last year, which left me quite ill. Im a good person too, I'm very caring and thoughtful and loyal and no-one can understand why I'm not with anyone. Im 33 now and Im so worried its never going to happen and that I will be hanging on to losers like the one im trying to let go of now (but I really care about him. totally confused).

 

My boyfriend before that was 5 years ago, we lived together, but he died from an accidental drug overdose, which was devastating and I really loved him.

 

Please give me some positive advice and hope, thanks. Feeling very lonely and feel like a weirdo....

x

[Clabs]

Hey mca

 

I am sorry you are feeling so down at the moment - and I am sure this weather doesn't help matters.

 

I think you need to stop putting yourself under pressure to have a boyfriend for a while. My advice would be to get rid of commitmentphobe man and spend some time alone for a while. You are still only relatively young though I am sure your biological clock screams out to you from time to time.

 

Why do you think that you MUST find someone, do you think? Do you think you need someone to make you happy? You have to accept that you are the only person you should rely on for your happiness. I think your friends and family are right - try to live your life and not go looking too hard for love.

 

Keep your chin up hun - I hope you start feeling a bit better soon.

 

Mark

[mca1975]

Thank you Clabs, I've always had long comitted relationships all throughout my late teens to my late 20's. I love being in a relationship. I wont say I havent enjoyed being single because I have over the years, but ultimately I am looking for my life partner. When I am not involved with anyone, or seeing anyone, I am quite happy, having a good time with my friends, but I have needs, you know for company and sex also, because I live alone. I can handle having a one-night stand, even though I have only had about two in my life, but as soon as it looks like its progressing to 'seeing each other' I become totally consumed by it, I feel under pressure and dont know how to act, communicate with them. Its terrible. Im definitely as mixed up as he seems to be.

 

Like I said, Ive got emotional probs anyway myself with committment and I am always usually 'controlled' in them, whether they are meaning to control me or not.

 

Thanks, I just hope Ive got the courage to ignore his calls/texts next time I get one, whenever that may be!

 

x

[Batya33]

Hi - I think Clabs gave you great advice and insight. It is not surprising at all that this guy is trying to contact you - he wants to see you but without a commitment. That mindset requires a level of empathy/compassion that he is not showing right now (i.e. that if he knows you do now want a commitment he should stay away unless he changes his mind). Remind him of this - to stay away from you unless he changes his mind and if he does you will consider it.

 

And good for you for recognizing your commitment issues!

[mca1975]

Hi batya33, thank you for that. One thing that I am is that I am quite insightful and honest with myself and I think that this kinda means that I will always be alright in life, no matter how hard it seems. Well thats what my doctor told me, and no I dont mean the men in white coats kinda doctors, im not crazy, lol!

 

Yes, I agree, he wants to see me when he wants and wants his space too, which does not sit right with me. I need security because I am insecure about relationships. I think I will say that to him next time he contacts, that he must leave me alone now unless he changes his mind, but I already know he wont, he cant do it, he is just as confused and emotionally unbalanced as I. Just loved his company tho I really did, made me laugh, very affectionate and it felt so nice to hear someone say how much they liked me and loved being with me. So nice looking and cute too. sigh...Miss seeing him but I know I must stay away. x

[Batya33]

Yes and of course you remember the good times and chemistry/sexual attraction is an immensely strong pull. I promise you, it subsides and one day you will hear from him and he will use those same old lines/looks that made you swoon and you will either feel nothing or repulsed.

 

I can relate!

[mca1975]

Really? have you been through the same thing then? I always hear from him again but I never know when, it could be every day for two days, then a space of a few days, then again, then a week, then loads of contact, never know how its going to go, but I never feel comfortable calling him/texting him so I dont anymore.

 

He always says about how lucky a guy would be to have me and that he feels really sad that he cant be the one to make me happy as he is unhappy with himself. He really is quite deep. I cant believe he could be making it all up. I have even met his Dad and he has told me about family problems etc.

 

Well I know for a fact that he will get jealous if he ever hears I am with anyone else and will most probably be gutted, so will look forward to that day.

thank you x

[greensleeves]

You're not a weirdo you're just feeling lonely right now.

 

You know that if you're looking for a serious relationship, this guy is not it. It's good that you made the move to end things with him...he has his own problems and demons to deal with and they don't fit into your plans for what you want out of life. Make the decision that you will have no further contact with him at all and you'll stop waiting anxiously for the next bit of contact. You've said yourself that he's not a good match for you, and your thoughts about him are frustratring you. So only by making a conscious decision to discontinue any future interaction with him can you help yourself move on completely.

 

It's okay to long for a partner, but don't settle for disrespectful behaviour in an effort to find what you want. Don't let pursuing a partner be the main focus of your life...follow the things that interest you and maybe a decent man who doesn't require saving or therapy will walk into your life. If you accept the fact that you're deserving of someone loving , you'll stop falling for men that aren't worthy of you.

[Batya33]

I don't find what he said "deep" but rather trying to let you down easy and realizing that you wanted a committed relationship when he didn't (what I think might have happened - since you too have commitment issues - you agreed to no strings attached sex because that suited you at the time but then you developed feelings and wanted more - that's why his x-rated messages bothered you).

 

I wouldn't at this point think of him as "deep" - rather, think just of getting him off your radar.

 

I've never had this sort of casual situation but I do know what it feels like to be very physically attracted to someone and what a pull that can be despite knowing rationaly that it's the wrong guy.

[JadedStar]

He always says about how lucky a guy would be to have me and that he feels really sad that he cant be the one to make me happy as he is unhappy with himself. He really is quite deep. I cant believe he could be making it all up. I have even met his Dad and he has told me about family problems etc.

 

I agree with batya. When men say this it is a way of letting you know they are not the one for you and they don't want to be with you. I don't find this to be deep at all, more of a cop out. When a man says he isn't good enough for you 1) believe him. 2) realize that a man who is really into a woman will move mountains to be with her and if they say this, they just aren't very into you.

 

It is a way to make you feel guilty for THEM leaving you. I think men who say these things are indulging in a pity party for themselves and looking to invoke guilt in the person they are trying to leave.

 

And sure he might be jealous if you move on. I divorced my first husband and it was very much over, i had no romantic feeligs for him, yet when he first started dating someone new i felt some serious pangs of jealousy. You can't confuse that jealousy with feelings of love. I quickly moved on from the feelings tho because i wasn't in love with him and those feelings turned into feelings of good wishes and hopes that he found someone who was good for him since he and i had become bad for each other. That is called maturity.

[greensleeves]

I don't find what he said "deep" but rather trying to let you down easy and realizing that you wanted a committed relationship when he didn't .

 

I agree with Batya...it's not deep at all, in fact it's a well worn cliche. Been there.

[mca1975]

Thank you everyone and Batya33. What you have said makes a lot of sense, though its hard to hear and believe. I feel so hurt, I miss him so much. I think you are right that we started off as casual and we were both ok with that, but I developed feelings and then I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. Do you think that he also developed feelings though, for me. He did admit them and he looked kinda perturbed by them, like he didnt mean for them to happen. He was almost crying one night trying to admit that he liked me and loved being with me, it looked so hard for him to say and all he wanted to do was hold me. He wasnt even that bothered about the sex. I always initiated it mostly.

 

I know you think that Im just not accepting the fact that he used me and didnt feel anything, but I really believe he did and I think he does now but he is quite weak and cannot stay away. He got quite jealous about an ex of mine when it came up a while ago and he said he couldnt believe how jealous he felt. He said he couldnt handle someone else being in control of his emotions, which is exactly what I am having happen to me now.

 

Please help, I just want to understand this. It breaks my heart to think that he does not feel anything, or didnt.

 

Thanks

[Clabs]

Hey mca

 

I don't think that he never felt anything - he admitted he had feelings for you. But I think with your issues and his issues, this was never going to get off the ground. You accept that this wasn't a real relationship.

 

I don't wish to sound harsh but this whole thing seems dreadfully unhealthy - I think you need to walk away with your shoulders back and your head held high because you can and you will do so much better than the scraps he offers you. Stop clinging to something that in reality is not there.

 

I think you need to look deep inside and find why it is that you have commitment issues - because it seems that you pull until something is there and then immediately try and back track. That pulling and pushing will never get you very far because even if you do find a good man you are going to drive him away with that kind of behaviour.

 

I still stand by what I originally said - I think you need to take some time out for you - spend a bit of time alone. Have a think about your commitment issues - have a good think about what you really want - and more importantly, why.

 

I hope this helps some.

 

Mark

[mca1975]

Thank you for that. It certainly is unhealthy, I know this because I actually feel ill, cant eat properly, not sleeping properly. I need to get out of it, but this pull inside me is making it so hard but I will get there. Ive gotten over the death of my boyfriend before, I can do this. I just want him to leave me alone so I can start healing with the help of my friends etc. Im not sure he realises he is doing this to me. It hurts too much to think that he is trying to hurt me purposely

 

Life is kinda fun and uncomplicated when Im not seeing anyone, maybe its just that I havent found the right person for me, who connects with me. Please tell me theres some hope!

x

[Clabs]

Hey mca

 

I don't think he is doing this on purpose to hurt you - he is likely just an unfeeling lumax who doesn't appreciate what is going on in your head.

 

The trouble with all this stuff is that your brain is likely having it's own internal double edged sword conflicts right now. You want him to leave you alone but at the same time you likely want him to call to tell you that you did mean something to him.

 

But you are best off with some peace and quiet so if he does keep contacting you it is absolutely fine to ask him to leave you alone.

 

I am sorry to hear about the death of your previous boyfriend - that musy have been so hard to deal with. I don't want to bring back bad memories but do you think that that had something to do with the issues you face now?

 

Take some time - take things slowly ok? You can get through this.

 

Mark

[mca1975]

I was like this before my boyfriend passed away. I've always been insecure and possessive in my relationships. I hate that about me, so I shy away from them but also want them. You wont believe how scared I am to call up on the phone someone I'm seeing, I feel so afraid like I will look desperate. In a way, I am a much stronger person since my boyfriend died, but I think it may have made my issues worse now.

 

I am intelligent and honest enough to know what is going on, I can see it, but my emotional urges control me, I cant fight them. Its a whole lot of pain. Its very much to do with my dad, he was a heavy drinker and was violent for many years, he left when I was 4, and then came back some years later. He used to frighten me. Well he would come back to visit and I remember feeling the exact same feelings as I do now, that nervousness and anxiousness that he was coming back into my life, giving me love and loving it, but then feeling so scared that it will be taken away again. Like an enormous push and pull, coming back and leaving again, its messed my head up and I seem to go for men who do that to me.

 

In fact, what was surprising was that last year I was with a guy who was like me in many ways, possessive and controlling and it almost killed me inside, I was dying in side being with him, so I promised myself never to be possessive again as people need their own space, but alas my emotions (or what ive learnt from young) just control me and I end up feeling insecure and needy again.

 

Its neverending.... exhausting. It really is like to be with someone is like pain sometimes.

 

Do you think I will find someone one day who will make me feel secure and happy, hope so.

[Batya33]

I think someday you will find yourself as a person who feels secure and happy.

I don't think he used you or that you used him. To not repeat the same mistake next time - having casual sex when it seems that that's not healthy for you (although it is for other people, I am sure) - you can't chalk it up to "I was used" because then you have no motivation to explore your part in this.

 

I think he had feelings for you but the benefits of being in a relationship didn't outweigh the downsides for him - whatever those downsides were - who knows and more importantly, who cares. I don't think it was about you in particular.