Why do so many men.....

[Brokenhearted1607307810]

Complain about their SO, but stay with them all the same ?

 

I know a few men whose partners literally rule their lives for them, and as soon as they show any sign of being independent or not doing what the SO tells them, they have a major row on their hands !.

 

I just cant work it out, these men seem pretty independent in all aspects of their lives apart from when it comes to the SO. SO says jump, man asks how high But they dont up and leave, they complain like mad, but they never say im not putting up with this anymore. im sure i wouldnt put up with the behaviour i see some of the SO's displaying !.

 

Why do they do it ?

 

Im seriously beginning to wonder if this is were i go wrong as im pretty laid back, perhaps i should be more like these other women as it seems to work for them...

 

Anyone got any ideas or thoughts on why this happens or why these men put up with it ?.

[vermilion]

You're only hearing one side of the story. I bet the wife has to put up with a lot of crap from him too, you just don't hear about it. That's what marriage is annoying people putting up with each other.

 

Perhaps they do it because they are attached to who their SO used to be. Or because divorce is such a tedious and painful process. It's not just dating, you know? You don't just leave when the person gets on your nerves. You stick around, you made a vow to.

 

I know my mom's been married to an absolutely abusive jerk but she just says she doesn't "want to go through a divorce again."

 

So, it's very hard to understand these people, I know. But it's their issue and they probably love the SO or have other personal reasons they don't care to voice.

[rocio]

I know a few women like that too.

[tulip rose]

Some men deep down need to be controlled and looked after by the woman as well.

[shes2smart]

It's not just men...there are also plenty of women who stay in relationships that they constantly complain about as well.

 

So why do they stay?

 

Because they are still getting something out of being there. May not be the healthiest thing, but they are getting something that meets some need. Example: Why does a co-dependendent stay with an addict? Becuase it meets their psychological needs to do so -- until and unless they address the co-dependency in their own personality, staying with an addicted partner meets various needs that a healthy relationship would not.

 

I also think some people stay out of fear of the unknown. Their current situation may be bad....but at least it's familiar. They know what to expect. The fear that if they leave they could end up somewhere worse can keep people stuck for a long, long time. With most transitions, it is common for the initial changes to feel worse before they get better.

 

If they keep blaming something outside themselves for their misery, they don't have to do the often difficult work of honest, critical self-evaluation and choosing to change their thoughts, behaviors, beliefs and actions. They shift that work and responsibility to the other person, when it was never the other person's responsibility or work to do in the first place.

[shes2smart]

Oh, and finally, some words of wisdom from the therapist I worked with through most of my 30's.

 

"Some people just like to b****."

[TropicalParadise]

I know a couple exactly like this. They actually just recently got married. They've been together for 7 years and have been living together for 5, so I really can't feel bad for the guy - he knows exactly what she's like and he chooses to stay with her. I love them both individually, although she tends to be a bit controlling - but sometimes you can't spend more than 5 minutes together with the both of them because they are always bickering about EVERYTHING. I sometimes think he likes her being in charge - and TRUST ME, he KNOWS that she's the one in charge.

[RayKay]

Agree 100%.

 

I would not be happy in this sort of relationship either (whichever side I was on!), and I know that is certainly not the dynamic in my own relationship (we are both adults, and respect and trust one another to make our own choices; I have not once ever told him what to do or treated him as a child!).

 

However, I do see it often, and I have to believe that it is often because 1) you are not getting the whole story, because 2) they are trying to participate in some ball & chain discussions and play things up a bit or 3) because there are other reasons they stay or 4) for whatever reason, to them this is normal.

 

I don't understand why you would change whom you are to be in a relationship that you criticize anyway. I sure never would, and it has worked out quite fine for me...again, I would not want to be in a relationship where either of us controlled the other or created this parent/child kind of dynamic. Yuck.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have seen both men and women cave in to a controlling partner. Some do complain while others don't but simply lose their identity and become a virtual clone of their partner. It is sad to see but for whatever reason, they do not want to leave the relationship and are willing to lose their identity over it in order to not be alone or not take a stand.

[Dako]

I know a few people in sick relationships, and I guess the familiarity keeps them there. I know one fellow who never compliments his wife of 30 years, but complains bitterly in great detail. If I suggest divorce he shuts up. I've noticed people who whine about the spouse also moan about their job, boss, neighbors, co-workers, kids, in-laws, weather, etc.

 

Some love the martyr role, but I tire of the drama.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Some people are complainers and some are doers.

 

Complainers tend to feel a complex mix of feeling powerless to do anything (so they complain rather than taking action) and a sense of entitlement that they shouldn't have to feel bad and if they feel bad they are entitled to vent until EVERYONE feels bad.

 

Doers tend to not complain much because they see the world as problemsolving. If something is making them unhappy, they find a way to work on it or try to change it. They see complaining as a waste of time since it accomplishes nothing.

 

So people who complain feel trapped, but don't have the intiative to change or break away from what they are complaining about. Perhaps they are scared of the consequences of change. So a guy who is unhappy with his wife might complain, but be more afraid of divorce, the loneliness, financial disaster, losing the kids, etc. So rather than 'do' and try to either negotiate a better life with he spouse or divorce he just vents.

 

Very few very empowered people ever complain, or complain for long. The secret to breaking out of complaining is to shift into problem solving and doing rather than just venting. So if you or someone you're with keeps complaining, then that's a sign that you need to start problem solving to fix the problem, no matter what that takes. Sometimes fixing means changing the dynamics of the relationship, and sometimes it means leaving the relationship. Many people are too timid (or lazy) to make the hard choices and really take control of their own lives, so they just complain rather than change.

[Dako]

^ Excellent post!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

BeStrong, you hit the nail on the head. I get so irritated with constant complainers...they do indeed complain about EVERYTHING but NEVER do anything about it.