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can anyone give me some advise my stepdaughter is geting in contact with my husbands x girlfriend tryin to get acsses to a daughter he does not see she is always texting me leting me know whats going on and it is causing a lot of trouble between us when i ask her not to she says she dosent care i feel she is always causing trouble but he wont have it he wont tell her off and ive had enough

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Hello and welcome to eNotalone,


I have read your post and I am a little confused about the situation you speak of.


You mention that you would like your step-daughter to stop trying to contact another of your husband's daughters. How does your husband feel about this? Would he like to have contact with his daughter? How old is your step-daughter? And how old is this other daughter?


Realize that it would be extremely difficult for you husband to be angry at his daughter for trying to contact a half-sister of hers. More information would definitely help me give you better advice.



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this is the story my hubby was with this girl years ago and she was abusive to him he put up with because she was pregnant and when their baby was born she throw him out ge got acsess until she was 7 and then she told him to stay away from them both so he did but his other daughter from his otherx who is 17 just out of the blue has asked to see her and wants her dad to see her too but he does not want to because it will cause a lot of trouble it seems to me she is trying to cause trouble not only for him but for us as we have are own little girl now and i dont want her confused i think this is a spitefull thing shes doing she keeps sending me txt messages not her dad telling me whats going on and its upseting me his x girl is nuts if she was to see me and him together she would go mad and she has said she will attack our baby so why has she started all this b4 chritmas i just dont knoe she has not seen her for 5 years ? hope this helps you understand a little bit more thanks xx

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Ok, if I'm getting this straight, the stepdaughter who lives with you is the 17 year old.


How old is his daughter he hasn't seen at this point?


I can understand you having issues with his ex. However, his daughter isn't her mom, and it's not surprising that her half sister would want to get to see her. Especially as a teen, it's a common age for adoptees to start wanting to seek out birth parents for either contact or closure, and estranged sibs for the same reason - they're becoming adults, and starting to want to make choices about contacting them that an adult hasn't made FOR them. Not because they're trying to turn your life upside down - but because they're old enough to want to judge people for themselves and form ties or break them accordingly.


If the ex is this much of a problem, I'd see about talking to the step living with you calmly, get her dad involved, and asking her if she's considered how this can be accomplished without the adults in the families having to meet and clash. (Maybe another family member or friend of the family who would be the middleman, or a professional mediator, let her come up with some viable resources if she wants to pursue this.) I'm not saying it can be easy or comfortable, but letting HER see the obstacles and try to come up with ways around them will also give her a better idea of what you're dealing with in your head. Not to mention - she's probably going to be a LOT more receptive to steering her in a responsible direction than outright giving her a "over my dead body" to pit herself against. I know personally, as a teen, and even now, there was NO better way to get me to do something than to say "don't you DARE do this!"


Christmas generally brings family to mind, so the time of year isn't too surprising really.


And while I hate to be the bearer of bad news, don't be too surprised if in 15 years or so your little girl wants to seek out her half sister either.


And your stepdaughter might be much more discouraged by quantities of planning and paperwork than she ever could be by a direct "no" from you. She may still decide she wants to follow through on it - but at least you can rest a little more securely if you know it's being done as safely and sanely as possible and with adequate safeguards.


Talk to your husband first, see if you can get his attention with more of the same logical approach to your concerns and that her being impulsive about it could make major problems, where he doesn't feel caught between your wishes - and see if the two of you can work on this as a team. If the two of you can present a calm and united front to her on what needs to be done before it's a viable option - she won't have the advantage of your emotional state working against you, or get prodded herself by the conflict into doing something irrational she may regret.

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