Please I need advice... badly!

[jeaniet212]

I've done something so horrible... probably the most horrible thing I've ever done in my life... to the one person that I loved most...I lied. I lied to my ex that I was pregnant (but had an abortion) so that he'd come back to me. but over time, he felt so bad for what he done to the point he couldn't face me anymore and left me. He moved out of town 3 months ago to get over the depression and now this is what he wrote:

 

"I need to know the truth about the time you said you were pregnant and had an abortion. This was the biggest thing that bothered me even during the Idaho trip. I promise you that I won't get angry, I'm over this already, but I need to still know if you were or not. I can understand that you may have made it up, it may not have been right, but you may have had your reasons, and I will understand if you did. However, if you didn't make it up, then I can't meet you half-way until I know for sure and have proof. You are that important to me, even as a friend and not a girlfriend, that I feel I can't even communicate fully with you until you tell me in your own words. This may be hard for you to read, but it is also very difficult for me to write, and I'm glad that we can both say that we are "over" those times, as you mentioned in your last email. Because of that, and perhaps with encouragement from my therapist here, I am able to write this to you. I have other things waiting to say as well, but I need to make it past this part first."

 

what should I do? I want to tell him the truth. but should I? although he said he won't be angry but I'm afraid that he'd hate me forever. I admit i was young and was pretty stupid when I lied. I really love him and wish that we'd be together one day. I believe in karma thus I've been accepting my karma (being left by him) after what I did. I promise myself that I'll be mature and accept the truth and just be solid friend with him. What should I do? I feel like if I tell him the truth, he will once again think of me of an immature and maybe even cruel (after how much depression I've brought upon him). I just want him to think of me on the bright side from now on. I really love him. I don't think I will ever love anyone as much. It hurts so bad to see myself hurting him like this. Please, guys and girls, tell me what I should do?

[Bob3000]

I think he deserves the truth. And do you want to build whatever kind of relationship you have with him on a lie - a lie that could come to haunt you? (Suppose you get together and you get pregnant and he mentions your "abortion" to the doctors and they say "what abortion?")

 

He might hate you. He might forgive you. He might hate you at first and then forgive you over time. But whatever happens I think honesty is the only ways forwards from here. And it sound like he already suspects...

[postscript]

First of all - doctors cannot tell whether or not you have had an abortion before unless they have your files. But that's beside the point -

He doubts you, and you're going to have this weight on your shoulders for a very long time if you choose to hide it from him.

I don't know if you prefer honesty or not, but he obviously does. Think about this for awhile. He might feel very betrayed, but who knows what his reaction will be.

[DN]

If you really love him you will do what is best for him - not what is best for you. I think you know what would mean telling him the truth.

[xtiarax]

I think that he will appreciate you being honest with him and yes he may be angry for a while but in time he will appreciate that it was hard for you to do but you did it for him. If you lied the 2nd time around and say that you were not making it up he is going to need proof isnt he? and how are you going to get that when there is no proof to show him as you did not have an abortion. You will expect him to be a little mad and he may be a little distant towards you for a while as you did lie to him and you also caused him a lot of pain, but he says that you are important to him and in time he will think that you are a good person by not lying to him a second time. I think that you should tell him exactly why you did it and that you never meant to hurt him and just did it becuase you cared for him and did not want to lose him and did not want him out of your life. He will see that even though you made a mistake which all of us do that your willing to admit you made the mistake and be honest with him no matter the reaction he will give you, he will respect you for your honesty in the end and will know that it must have been very hard for you to do, if you lie to him again by saying that you did have the abortion it may cause him more pain and you will have to live with it for the rest of your life knowing that you had a chance to be honest with him, but to make it easier on yourself chose not to.

 

Goodluck with it x

[CatsMeeoow]

The truth will set you free... sounds so cliche' but it's true. Do you want this eating at you the rest of your life.

 

Women for centuries have done what you have - it doesn't mean it's right but just know you aren't the first.

 

He deserves to know the truth. This lie has deeply hurt you both.

 

Tell him the truth and then tell him you so regret your choice of action. Then seriously leave him be. After telling him you will be so desperate for forgiveness from him that you will constantly be in contact and begging him to talk to you. Simply - don't.

 

He needs to work this out with his therapist NOT you.

 

If you simply tell him you are sorry and you regret it and then give him the space to heal, he may be in touch with you sometime down the road after you've both healed after this mishap.

 

Love and respect him enough to swallow your pride and own up to your mistake.

 

I know this will be hard.

peace and love,

Cats

[headunderwater]

she is right, the truth WILL set you free. Tell him what you did and why. Out of desperation. Then the fear of telling him the truth, the guilt of lying, everything stacked on top of you.

 

He is giving you the out you need right now. He knows you lied, he feels it. He needs you to say it and you need to say it too.

 

If you feel more comfortable, you can even see if you and him and go to his counselor together and talk it out.

[Litgirl01]

Lies keep you wrapped up in the past....the truth is the only way to the future!

[jeaniet212]

Ok. I think you guys are right. If I love him I should tell him the truth. It's so hard tho. Do you think he will eventually forgive me? I felt so bad this whole year because of this and I guess it would be a huge weight off my chest if I let this out. It has been haunting me and I regret everyday about it. You think he would really understand like he said he would? I really want us to be in good terms.

[CatsMeeoow]

I know it will be hard and painful but I think you must first worry about putting this right.

 

I don't know what his short term or long term response(and they will be different I'm sure) will be. No one does. It sounds like he is seeing a therapist so he will most likely not talk to you for some time while he sorts out his feelings in therapy first.

 

I think deep down you know you made a mistake and are regretful. Maybe now's the time to do some self exploration on why you were so desperate to get him back. You need to make peace of this situation for yourself and not worry at the moment for forgiveness from him.

 

Time changes everything so don't lose all hope that he'll never forgive you. Even he does't know the answer to that question.

 

I wish you the best,

Cats

[lostandhurt]

First of all, honesty and trust are what binds us together through the tough times in a relationship. You can love someone but not trust them or believe them. I think he loves you but does not trust you or believes the lie you told.

I think he knew the answer before he asked the question and probably has been waiting for you to come clean on your own but since you haven't like the earlier posted put it (he is giving you an out to come clean).

Tell him the truth. All the truth, from the day you met to the day you tell him. This may be the start of a new better life for you both together or apart. If he decides to forgive you, it will be for himself not for you. You need to figure out how you came to be the person that would hurt the person you love so much with this lie and learn from your mistakes.

I hope it all works out for you both.

 

lost

[jeaniet212]

So I emailed him the truth. Nothing but the truth. He wrote me back saying how much he has apprieciate it and that although his heart is bleeding at the moment, at least he knows it can heal. I'm very happy as for once, I feel like I've done a great thing. It really touches me when he said that he knows it took a lot out of me to be honest with him but I have saved him.

 

Thank you everyone for your advices. You're right. I feel like a huge weight has been lift off my chest. *exhale*

[CatsMeeoow]

So I emailed him the truth. Nothing but the truth. He wrote me back saying how much he has apprieciate it and that although his heart is bleeding at the moment, at least he knows it can heal. I'm very happy as for once, I feel like I've done a great thing. It really touches me when he said that he knows it took a lot out of me to be honest with him but I have saved him.

 

Thank you everyone for your advices. You're right. I feel like a huge weight has been lift off my chest. *exhale*

 

You did the right thing... now give him some space... let him come to you as he is mending and gaining his strength back.

 

You both have some recovery to do on your own before you will be okay to be together again.

 

peace and love,

Cats