Don't enjoy sex with her

[hopelessly_trapped]

My girlfriend of many months often tells me how we are disproportionate in terms of good looks. She says that I'm incredibly good-looking but that she's just average, and is surprised that I'm dating her, because people usually tend to date people who are equally good-looking. And she worries that I'm going to want to meet someone prettier. I always try and change the subject, because secretly I think she has a valid point. I try not to talk about it, but I know that I'm really good-looking and that women flirt with me all the time (and lots of gay guys too). I'm not being arrogant. I'm just trying to state a fact.

 

While she's just about the most wonderful person I have ever dated, I'm really struggling in terms of my physical feelings for her. I just don't really enjoy kissing her or having sex with her.

 

When we fist met, I thought of her as just a friend, but we started hanging out together, and one night we kissed, and a while later we ended up in bed. I really liked her as a person so I thought to myself "don't be so shallow, she's a great person and looks are only skin deep" so I started dating her.

 

But now things are just getting difficult for me. We go out together and have a great time, but then evening approaches and I know she is going to want to have sex, so sometimes I even go as far as to drink more alcohol than I normally would in preparation. I also sometimes deliberately fantasize about other women when I'm having sex with her. I just miss enjoyable sex. With previous partners, I used to be a passionate lover, slowly undressing her, kissing her all over her body, and I used to really enjoy pleasuring her in all the ways a person can, and I would enjoy having enough light in the room to see the person I was making love to. Now I try and make sure the light is off, and I'm just going through the motions, hoping that she doesn't realize anything is wrong.

 

I'm torn between me needs/desires and concern not to hurt her (and also the fact that I enjoy her company). But I basically wish I had never started dating her in the first place, that way I would not have found myself in this impossible situation.

 

I do believe that if a relationship is going to be a serious, long-term one (or a marriage), all the pieces have to be in place, and that includes the chemistry in the bedroom. But somehow it seems much more ok to say "sorry, we're just different kinds of people, and even though I think you're beautiful, this isn't going to work out long-term" than it is to say "we're perfect together in terms of having things in common and personality, but I just don't find you attractive enough" (!!). I guess it's almost ok to say that at the very beginning, when someone is trying to start a relationship with you (it's usually said something like "I just don't feel that way about you, so let's just be friends"), but how do you end a relationship for that reason? More to the point, SHOULD YOU? Or are just a pig for even thinking it? I tried to not be superficial at the beginning, and it seems the result of that is now deep unhappiness, loneliness, guilt, and the feeling of being trapped by my own moral standards.

 

Guilt-ridden and despondent.

[sisterlynch]

You started the relationship as a friendship, and you need to move toward that common playing ground. Do so as quietly and simply as possible.

 

It seems like you feel that the relationship is all about her and not about you enough. If you cannot tell her your honest feelings about how attractive she is to you, then you are missing passion. In a sense you are spoiling her by letting her have a great looking guy on her shoulder based upon nothing other than her own persistence.

 

Don't have full on sex with her anymore. Don't drink too much, just let her know the truth, then can she grow from this experience. Lying doesn't help people grow.

[icehouse]

You are right...your needs are all that matters....i mean who cares that this AVERAGE looking person thinks the world of you and would do anything to make you happy....its all about what YOU want right? If this is really how you feel about this poor lady then do her a favor and get rid of her....that way you can get back to your me first life..

[sisterlynch]

A relationship is supposed to make you happy, not add to the stress in your life. Sex is supposed to make you cry out with passion and joy at life, yet he must hide his eyes and mind from her to be successful at it.

 

Love should come from both equally. Committment must come from both equally. Her feelings should be recognized, but they aren't married, so he is free to date whomever he wants.

[avman]

mandylee,

 

I believe Icehouse was being sarcastic with their comments if you look closely. I think you may have come down a bit hard on him/her if that is the case

 

avman

[icehouse]

A relationship is supposed to make you happy, not add to the stress in your life. Sex is supposed to make you cry out with passion and joy at life, yet he must hide his eyes and mind from her to be successful at it.

 

Love should come from both equally. Committment must come from both equally. Her feelings should be recognized, but they aren't married, so he is free to date whomever he wants.

 

A realtionship is suppose to be about more than just SEX

 

It is suppose to be about love and trust and understanding...however the only real issue he seems worried about is the sex part...and no matter how you try to twist the words around that selfish....should he stay if he is not happy? Of course he should not...he should be happy with whomever he dates....but to base the realtionship on the sex life is shallow....

[icehouse]

ICE,

I have never heard anything so selfish in my entire life- perhaps the reason why divorce is on a rampage in your country right now is because people can't seem to understand that it's NOT ALL ABOUT THEM. If he's unattracted to her, fine, the best thing to do is to end the relationship- but it should be something that's in her best interest as well. It's called common respect and courtesy. I hope you don't ever plan on getting married, with an attitude like that you might as well sign the death certificut to your marriage before the wedding day.

 

Yea ok whatever...maybe you should take the christ out of your name honey....why dont you go back and read his post again...it is about HIM and his wants and needs....it is about how he doesnt want to have SEX with her because she does not look good enough to suit his ego...that my dear is selfish

 

If he is unhappy then of course he should not stay in the realtionship...but to want out just because the sex isnt good is just wrong...maybe he should think of how many good looking women would want him if he could not preform in the bed....im sure it would crush him just like it will when he tells her "sorry but you dont look good enough for me!"

 

And btw i have been married for 6 years and it has never been better...

[icehouse]

mandylee,

 

I believe Icehouse was being sarcastic with their comments if you look closely. I think you may have come down a bit hard on him/her if that is the case

 

avman

 

 

Thanks but i got it covered...i did mean what i said however...Granted i may have come off a little harsh but that happens at times when i see someone being so selfish....i am not here to cause problems...but i am not gonna bow down and tell people what they want to hear either...thanks again though...

[sisterlynch]

If he isn't happy in the relationship, and he knows that he can do better, why would he want to stay?

 

There are three levels of a relationship: intimacy -- commitment and passion.

 

He clearly stated that he doesn't feel any of these towards her, and yet you would have him string her along for what??

[ziggystar]

wait let's clear something up. there's difference in performance versus and aesthetics. is the sex bad, or are you just not pleased aesthetically? i've been with different women with different aesthetics, and it always seemed to me that if i liked/loved the person, they always seem more attractive to me. and no matter how pretty they may be, if i don't like their character, they get more ugly to me. my question: is this really about her looks or are you inventing this aesthetic problem because of a fear of commitment? or hoping for the grass is greener scenario? ultimately good sex without the rest is pretty shallow. personally i think sex is overrated. and this isn't that i'm not having great sex, but good sex is not as nearly fulfilling as having a great bond.

[LoW_rIdeR]

K, first of all Ice, you are one crazy mofo. If hes not attracted to her, then why the hell would he stay with her? That is recipe for disaster trust me. It sounds like they should be good friends, JUST FRIENDS, i think you should tell her you liked it better as friends and DO NOT bring up the looks part because that will ruin her self esteem forever. The worst feeling in the world is being with someone you love and dont want to hurt, but simply cant date, because we all have our own needs.

[sisterlynch]

I think that your head is in the right place, but you need to hear what he is saying better. You are right morally, but the world is too confusing to expect everyone to always behave in a moral fashion 24/7. Even tho that is the code of the boyscouts, not everyone follows those rules, do they?