My girlfriend of many months often tells me how we are disproportionate in terms of good looks. She says that I'm incredibly good-looking but that she's just average, and is surprised that I'm dating her, because people usually tend to date people who are equally good-looking. And she worries that I'm going to want to meet someone prettier. I always try and change the subject, because secretly I think she has a valid point. I try not to talk about it, but I know that I'm really good-looking and that women flirt with me all the time (and lots of gay guys too). I'm not being arrogant. I'm just trying to state a fact.
While she's just about the most wonderful person I have ever dated, I'm really struggling in terms of my physical feelings for her. I just don't really enjoy kissing her or having sex with her.
When we fist met, I thought of her as just a friend, but we started hanging out together, and one night we kissed, and a while later we ended up in bed. I really liked her as a person so I thought to myself "don't be so shallow, she's a great person and looks are only skin deep" so I started dating her.
But now things are just getting difficult for me. We go out together and have a great time, but then evening approaches and I know she is going to want to have sex, so sometimes I even go as far as to drink more alcohol than I normally would in preparation. I also sometimes deliberately fantasize about other women when I'm having sex with her. I just miss enjoyable sex. With previous partners, I used to be a passionate lover, slowly undressing her, kissing her all over her body, and I used to really enjoy pleasuring her in all the ways a person can, and I would enjoy having enough light in the room to see the person I was making love to. Now I try and make sure the light is off, and I'm just going through the motions, hoping that she doesn't realize anything is wrong.
I'm torn between me needs/desires and concern not to hurt her (and also the fact that I enjoy her company). But I basically wish I had never started dating her in the first place, that way I would not have found myself in this impossible situation.
I do believe that if a relationship is going to be a serious, long-term one (or a marriage), all the pieces have to be in place, and that includes the chemistry in the bedroom. But somehow it seems much more ok to say "sorry, we're just different kinds of people, and even though I think you're beautiful, this isn't going to work out long-term" than it is to say "we're perfect together in terms of having things in common and personality, but I just don't find you attractive enough" (!!). I guess it's almost ok to say that at the very beginning, when someone is trying to start a relationship with you (it's usually said something like "I just don't feel that way about you, so let's just be friends"), but how do you end a relationship for that reason? More to the point, SHOULD YOU? Or are just a pig for even thinking it? I tried to not be superficial at the beginning, and it seems the result of that is now deep unhappiness, loneliness, guilt, and the feeling of being trapped by my own moral standards.
Guilt-ridden and despondent.
