how to tell if he is just waiting until you sleep with him

[Caterina]

I've had a good friend for about three years. We didn't talk for about a year because of a fight we had had, though. Anyhow, he doesn't want a relationship so we remained friends. To me, it seems like he obviously cares about me but my family says that he's just waiting around to see if he can get me to sleep with him. He is interested in me sexually, thats obvious...but to me, thats just a normal male.

 

Why would he spend so much time getting to know me if he just wanted sex? It seems like a waste of time to me.

[Lana0120]

He said he didn't want a relationship with you and hasn't put the moves on you in the time that he has known you? I'd agree with your assessment that while he may find you sexually attractive and may have some interested in sex, it certainly isn't the basis for his friendship with you.

[Excalibur]

Most women do this to themselves...they go "why would he spend so much time getting to know me for just sex".

 

 

Mmmm....so you're spending sa much time with him as he is you - you can't figure him out and whether he wants just sex.....try this.

 

You're fun, cute, sweet, hot, and possibly willing - if you want to hang out he's willing to hang out and if you're willing to put out he's all about it.

 

He's not after anything he's not getting but he's not after more than what he's pursuing.

[Caterina]

He said he didn't want a relationship with you and hasn't put the moves on you in the time that he has known you? I'd agree with your assessment that while he may find you sexually attractive and may have some interested in sex, it certainly isn't the basis for his friendship with you.

 

Yeah, he doesn't put moves on me. Although, yesterday I did put them on him in a small way. I'm not gonna sleep with him, but I like touching him as if I was in a relationship with him, even though I'm not. Its odd...he wouldn't be good for me, so I wouldnt' even want anything anyways. He's a great guy and I care a lot about him but he's not relationship material, at least for me. He doesn't treat me romantically, like a woman...he's antisocial, he never wants to do anything with anyone else...

[Caterina]

Most women do this to themselves...they go "why would he spend so much time getting to know me for just sex".

 

 

Mmmm....so you're spending sa much time with him as he is you - you can't figure him out and whether he wants just sex.....try this.

 

You're fun, cute, sweet, hot, and possibly willing - if you want to hang out he's willing to hang out and if you're willing to put out he's all about it.

 

He's not after anything he's not getting but he's not after more than what he's pursuing.

 

 

So what do I do? Stop talking to him? Don't let him touch me? I mean, everyone tells me its oh so wrong to talk to someone who views me this way...but at least there is someone out there making me happy. I never meet anyone who cares about me, at least he does on some level.

On the other hand, not having him in my life is something I can easily handle...I've done it before and enjoyed myself.

I don't think a friendship with him should be so bad if I can handle myself. Like, I'm definetly not sleeping with him...but I might bask in his attention.

[Excalibur]

Here's what you're doing - youo get to "pretend" he's your boyfriend - because you want a boyfriend...and so you hang out, share secrets, and have all these hallmark/kodak type moments that you wish you were having with 'somenoe special" - nobodoy's around so he'll do.

 

It's like driving, the more you drive the more likely you are to be in an accident due to exposure to the element in which accidents occur........so at some point you're quite possibly going to attempt to get him to "want a relationship" - by presenting yourself as an option for him to do.

[Lana0120]

What kind of touching? You need to be careful because you don't want to give him encouragement, unless you want a relationship from him.

[Caterina]

Here's what you're doing - youo get to "pretend" he's your boyfriend - because you want a boyfriend...and so you hang out, share secrets, and have all these hallmark/kodak type moments that you wish you were having with 'somenoe special" - nobodoy's around so he'll do.

 

It's like driving, the more you drive the more likely you are to be in an accident due to exposure to the element in which accidents occur........so at some point you're quite possibly going to attempt to get him to "want a relationship" - by presenting yourself as an option for him to do.

 

 

I already have, though. I told him I wanted a relationship and he said he didn't want one.

I'm operating on his terms.

I don't want him out of my life b/c he gives me attention. I don't see how accidents will happen...I know better than to try to get him in a relationship. I recognize that he's fun, and thats he's my friend.

 

If someone comes along, he knows I'm going to leave, but no one ever comes along.

 

My questions are, though: Why doesn't he want a relationship? What did I do wrong?

[Caterina]

What kind of touching? You need to be careful because you don't want to give him encouragement, unless you want a relationship from him.

 

Like flirtacious stuff...not sexual, holding hands or something like that.

[Excalibur]

A relationship is obligation and requiremet - it's not option and opportunity.

 

That's why he doesn't want one with you or anybody else.

 

With you flirting with, pining after, hanging around him wanting him - you're not ever going to meet someone you find as desirable as the "unavailble" man you're spending your time and energy on.

 

Just whatever time it took you to think about nad type these posts - that is more time that you've spent on him and possibly creating a relationship with him in your head - than he's spent on you in that same timeperiod.

 

You're infinitely more invested than he is - which is why you can't see the situation for what it is.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know some people will say this, but if you are hanging around him, being in this "pseudo-relationship", you WON'T attract a true relationship because other guys are going to think you are taken.

 

So, if you want a true relationship with someone else, you might have to let this go.

[BetterKarma]

If someone comes along, he knows I'm going to leave, but no one ever comes along.

 

No one ever comes along because you're spending all your time with him. You're not open for anyone to come along nor are you truly looking because you're waiting for him.

 

My questions are, though: Why doesn't he want a relationship? What did I do wrong?

 

I'm sorry to tell you this but this is a lie. He just doesn't want a relationship with "you." You didn't do anything wrong, he's just doesn't see having a relationship with you.

 

I think you should distance yourself before you get further emotionally involved because eventually, you will be the one hurt.

[Lana0120]

Like flirtacious stuff...not sexual, holding hands or something like that.

 

Woah... holding hands? That may not be sexual but that is very much a relationship thing.

 

I agree with renaissancewoman and karma.

[renaissancewoman101]

I do have a question though, how can other people tell that you are NOT availabe for dating or relationship, even if you don't say you are after this guy, or show that this guy means a lot to you?

 

Do we give off vibes when we like someone so much, that others can read it as "unavailability"?

[Caterina]

A relationship is obligation and requiremet - it's not option and opportunity.

 

That's why he doesn't want one with you or anybody else.

 

With you flirting with, pining after, hanging around him wanting him - you're not ever going to meet someone you find as desirable as the "unavailble" man you're spending your time and energy on.

 

Just whatever time it took you to think about nad type these posts - that is more time that you've spent on him and possibly creating a relationship with him in your head - than he's spent on you in that same timeperiod.

 

You're infinitely more invested than he is - which is why you can't see the situation for what it is.

 

When I was hanging out with him the other day, I started to flirt wth a friend of his...the friend seemed like he was interested, and this was all in his presense. He said to me, "Do you like him?" about the guy, even.

 

Maybe I should tell him I did like the guy...that I'm willing to date the guy, who knows. I mean, the guy was actually pretty nice.

 

I see your points, they're really good. Thanks for commenting, its hard to find good advice. So what is the solution, considering this? I think you're right- its impossible to notice other men to the degree that I'm interested in him.

However, even if he wanted a relationship, I'm not sure if he'd be right for me anyways...I'm not sure if I'd even get into one with him ...he does so many things wrong.

[Caterina]

I know some people will say this, but if you are hanging around him, being in this "pseudo-relationship", you WON'T attract a true relationship because other guys are going to think you are taken.

 

So, if you want a true relationship with someone else, you might have to let this go.

 

Guys haven't thought I was taken, though.

 

No one ever comes along because you're spending all your time with him. You're not open for anyone to come along nor are you truly looking because you're waiting for him.

 

 

 

I'm sorry to tell you this but this is a lie. He just doesn't want a relationship with "you." You didn't do anything wrong, he's just doesn't see having a relationship with you.

 

I think you should distance yourself before you get further emotionally involved because eventually, you will be the one hurt.

 

I have been distant for a while...only recently have I seen him a lot. What is the lie?

 

Woah... holding hands? That may not be sexual but that is very much a relationship thing.

 

I agree with renaissancewoman and karma.

 

So what do you mean by relationship thing? Why would he do that?

[Excalibur]

To the OP - you don't like, love, respect, admire, accept or acnkowledge yourself as some of intelligent, merit, value, and significance.

 

And you doing all this panting, pleading, and posturing with him teaches him how worthles you think you are.....along with reinforcing the message to yourself.

 

You attract what you are...you're attracted to what you are.

 

both of you are identical - you believe you're nobody without someone, and he believes he's nobody and doesn't want anybody.

[renaissancewoman101]

Excalibur, that's probably not true about him NOT wanting anybody.

 

He probably wants someone else, and not her.

 

I've learned that people who tell me they don't want a relationship, usually means they don't want one with ME, but probably with someone else.

[Excalibur]

She says he's pretty much a loner...which means he doesn't trust, accept, like, or respect himself - andhe doesn't do that with anybody else either.

 

He likes whatever is offered at no obligation from any source, but wants no affinity or alliance with anybody.

 

It's the paranoid 'they're all out to get me" mindset - that means whatever is offered for free - they take it greedily and run off not wanting it taken away from them, nor wanting to be asked to do a favor in return.

 

That is why she's attracted to him - her view is that in taking waht she offers holding hands, spending time - that he's doing her a favor and itnerested in her attention.

 

No, he's interested is whatever is free at no obligation from anywhere.

[Caterina]

Excalibur, that's probably not true about him NOT wanting anybody.

 

He probably wants someone else, and not her.

 

I've learned that people who tell me they don't want a relationship, usually means they don't want one with ME, but probably with someone else.

 

He hasn't had a date in four years. By choice.

[Lana0120]

I mean that I see holding hands as something you do when you're a child or as part of a loving relationship. Touching someone's hand and giving it a squeeze could be just friendship, actually holding hands? That's something that couples do in my opinion.

[Caterina]

I mean that I see holding hands as something you do when you're a child or as part of a loving relationship. Touching someone's hand and giving it a squeeze could be just friendship, actually holding hands? That's something that couples do in my opinion.

 

But why would he do that?

[Excalibur]

If you ever ask the question why "would he do that' - you're asking what intention they had for the next step in the process. You're ASSUMING there is a bigger goal they have an mind.

 

The flip side is "why wouldn't they hodl your hand if you're willingto hold hands, if all they want is thier hand held at that moment in time." They don't want anything but what they're getting...it's you assuming it means more that has you always having your hand extended with the "I'll be there, whenever YOU need something or someone".

[bicksford]

Wow.... this whole situation sounds exactly like the problem I had except I'm the one who wanted the relationship not her. Apart from that it was the same. She would let me touch her and even initiate touching me but wouldn't ever let me be more. It was never about sex (i think we're both virgins) although she's the only girl I've ever really truly wanted to sleep with before. I never asked to though or would've pressured her. Anyway, point is, I looked at things the way I have to about a lot of things in life. Look at the future. I'm having fun this second because I'm lying down with a beautiful girl, but where is this going to get me? Nowhere... It's going to end up with me being more hurt, more confused, and missing the chance for a real relationship. One time these girls came over and she happened to sit on my lap that night. Two of my friends are dating two of those girls now. I could have a real relationship possibly if it wasn't for me pretending with this girl. It's SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!xInfinite to get out of it but I think it's worth itin the end. Best of luck.

[Caterina]

I actually think you all are right. I can't do this to myself. Its hard to believe that someone I respect is not fitting into my mold, I guess. I'm backing off.