Hello, I'm new too and I have questions for you

[jettison]

Per request, I'm going try to answer this point by point...

 

Hello,

 

First of all, let me say how happy I am to have found this site. You all seem very knowledgeable and compassionate.

 

There are some amazing folks here. Everyone loves to help. The advice isn't uniform and is presented from all walks of life, all points of view, with a common theme - compassion.

 

 

I'm not divorced but I am thinking of getting a divorce.

 

We have been married 14 years. Five years ago we had a baby. We decided I should quit my job and stay home to be with my daughter. In retrospect, this was a huge mistake. I have been wanting to go back to work ever since and my husband felt strongly I should be home for our daughter. I have been extremely isolated. My self confidence is at an all-time low.

 

Best to keep in mind that this is the experience of the majority of stay at home moms. Isolation can feel like you've just contracted a disease. Your self-confidence may be gone now, and you may not see a way to get it back, but it's there. It exists. Faith is important right now.

 

Our marriage over the past 5 years has turned into some kind of friendship. My husband doesn't really want to talk to me anymore, because he works long hours and is tired. He's been acting like the sound of my voice actually pains him. This is a horrible thing to experience. Especially since I've been so lonely.

 

The more you crave someone's attention out of lonliness, the less likely they usually are to want to fulfill your request. It feels like God's worst trick on humankind. Those most desperate for affection are the least likely to receive it sometimes. I will say that I have heard this phrase spoken about/in many relationships: "We became like roommates, not a couple" or "I don't think I can live like this anymore... we're just housemates. We're not dating." It happens to most if they're not careful... just add water, sunlight, and time. So, again, you're more normal then you think.

 

So I've stopped calling him at work (I used to call him once a day to chat for a few minutes), I've tried to leave him alone when he gets home. I've focussed on working out or spending time on the computer. It upsets me that he seems happier that way. He's always been kind of a loner, but until the baby was born, he always let me in.

 

He knows how much you want in, and because he feels like he can't properly adhere to your emotional needs, he runs and hides. Presenting yourself as someone "in need" is what he can't deal with, likely because of some kind of depression.

 

Over the years he's stopped holding my hand or hugging me. French kissing is something I like but that he doesn't. That's hard on me.

 

After a decade and a half marriage, I'd say that you were in the majority and not the minority. I know very well that this doesn't make it better. The truth is that you may never get this back because, honestly, few couples do once it's lost. Romantic love is the most delicate of all. Even if he truly loves you, the hunger and pangs that accompany romantic love is different. The brain chemicals necessary to produce that kind of feeling are limited and fleeting.

 

Husband doesn't want to have sex anymore and I suspect he is having erectile problems. Instead of seeking help, he has blamed me. Our sex life was ok until we had a kid, since then, it's been very hard to get him interested. Since she was born, we were able to do it once a month or so. Lately, I get naked, and I get rejected AND blamed, and I'm sorry to say that I've decided not to allow that to happen to me anymore, so I won't be initiating sex with him ever again.

 

And so it goes... the number one reason for divorce. Two hurt people, both in need, unable to communicate with each other, not feeling sexy around each other, praying for days gone past or otherwise better days ahead. At this point, it's unlikely that anything short of a therapist could write your ship, and of course, that's no sure thing.

 

Meanwhile, I've been working out and I look great. I'm 40 and I get mistaken for 30 or 32. I look better than I was at 30. Men are interested in me.

 

I don't doubt it for a second. And, if you do get a divorce, you're likely to find out right away and in quick fashion that it's not you. You are not deficient in some way. You are viable and worthy. The men will prove that to you. The quick fix that comes with another will be exhilirating, but if you go that route, it's important to keep in mind that it will be temporary. Divorce is accompanied by years of healing, no matter how lucky or unlucky you may be in your new love endeavors.

 

My decision to consider divorce was prompted by the fact that I almost had an affair. There is this man that I really like and we've been flirting. The fact that he makes eye contact and listens to what I say makes me so happy. When we talk, it's so easy to laugh and have fun. I really miss that. I recently gave him my number. I was ready to have an affair, or so I thought.

 

When he called me, I told him I couldn't go through with it. I've never cheated on anyone and I'm not going to start now. It was very difficult to do this, but my husband doesn't deserve being cheated on.

 

I've been in your shoes. LTR... it's not working out. Can't fix it. This new woman is fawning all over me. It would be soooo easy you, think. Statistics say that the majority of people succumb. It's hard to play moralist and tell you what's right.... recapturing your vibrance and sense of life? ... or staying faithful to a man who is only your husband in theory and not in practive.

 

 

I'm afraid if things continue the way they are, I'm going to end up cheating. I have never been so lonely in all my life. I've told my husband everything I'm telling you, including my almost indiscretion. I asked him to get medical help for his condition. I've told him that I needed more attention from him and affection. He cried and asked me not to leave him.

 

My worry is that even Viagra will not make him want to talk with me or hang out with me. Plus, I must admit, his behavior in the bedroom has turned me completely off--I have no desire to be with him. I'm worried if this goes on much longer I'm going to end up cheating on him. Not in the near future, but eventually.

 

Unfortunately, from the description, it looks like the same story that only ever goes the same direction... divorce. It's not impossible that you two could reconcile, but again, counseling is the key word here.

 

 

 

Am I a terrible person? He's a wonderful dad (maybe the best dad in the world), he has always taken care of me (not in the affection department but in many other ways).

 

No, you're normal.

 

Am I destroying my daughter's life? She has a special bond with her dad, I know it's going to be very hard on her.

 

No, she knows that you're in a loveless marriage on some level. Children sense these things. He will always be her dad.

 

Should I just suck it up and stay? Be celibate and lonely? I'm only 40 and I feel too young to live that way.

 

Thanks in advance for your help

 

No, but do your due diligence. Seek counseling. After you've explored all options, then get a divorce if you can't right the ship.

[shoppingGirl]

Well, I did it LonelyMom. I told my fiance that we are done and I am moving out. I feel like a weight was lifted off of me...and I am excited to start a new life with just me and my children. This may not be the solution for you but for me I already know that I made the right decision.

[LonelyMom]

Melrich: thank you for being so understanding, it really helps.

 

You wrote, "It's like being behind bars and there is no reason for it. You only get one life and it is your duty to make it a happy one. "

 

This is exactly how I feel. Perhaps I'm going through a midlife crisis, but there are so many things I still want to do. My husband is an escapist who turns to video games to avoid reality. I've done this also in the past, but we're not in the same place anymore. I want to go to concerts, I want to windsurf again, I want to travel. He will come with me if I insist, but he'll just mope around. I do feel behind bars.

 

Tangi39: Thank you. I wish this therapist would return my calls, lol!

 

Jettison: Wow, thank you for writing all that. Some of it almost made me cry because you've really hit things on the head. Are you sure you don't know us?

 

I haven't seen myself as acting needy, but I guess I must have been... yuck. He married this intelligent, strong, successful woman and ended up with a needy, neglected, housewife. Ick.

 

You wrote: "It's hard to play moralist and tell you what's right.... recapturing your vibrance and sense of life? ... or staying faithful to a man who is only your husband in theory and not in practive."

 

Well said. I really want to recapture my vibrance and sense of life. Not long ago, I had my first taste of a real illness. It put me in touch with my own mortality and made me realize that in many ways I'm just wasting my life, sitting around being miserable and life is too valuable.

 

Thank you Jettison, we will seek counseling.

[LonelyMom]

Congratulations ShoppingGirl!

 

I'm glad you are already feeling better. I wish you the best of luck in your new life.

 

Do you already have a new place lined up?

[novaseeker]

 

This is exactly how I feel. Perhaps I'm going through a midlife crisis, but there are so many things I still want to do. My husband is an escapist who turns to video games to avoid reality. I've done this also in the past, but we're not in the same place anymore. I want to go to concerts, I want to windsurf again, I want to travel. He will come with me if I insist, but he'll just mope around. I do feel behind bars.

 

and

Thank you. I wish this therapist would return my calls, lol!

 

They can be busy and hard to reach at first before you are in their client loop -- frustrating, but the best ones are in some demand.

 

Definitely do the counseling, with the idea that it is for *you* to figure things out for *you* -- why you are feeling this way, what you need to do to have these needs met, etc. That's as important, really, I think, as the couples aspect of counseling. It's kind of a time when you can assess your life together with someone else who is good at that sort of thing and come to some conclusions about why you're where you're at, and what you need to do -- either in this marriage or after it, as the case may be.

 

Noone needs to live in a prison. I felt the same way about my marriage at the end of it -- it felt like a prison. I think that is a common feeling. But I also spent 18 months with my therapist before during and after my sep/divorce, and it was one of the most useful things I have ever done for myself, to be honest -- very useful well beyond dealing with the divorce itself.

[shoppingGirl]

I am looking for a three bedroom house and it is so exciting starting to look for our new home!

[LonelyMom]

Novaseeker: I have called another counselor, hopefully we'll see someone soon. I think you're right, I'll focus on trying to figure things out for myself. It certainly helps to talk with you guys, so I can see the value of talking to a therapist.

 

I have been feeling like I'm in a prison for quite some time. Not to be overly dramatic, but sometimes it feels like I'm kind of dying. Perhaps I have waited too long to try to fix things. I've waited to the point where I'm tired of fixing things.

 

I remember suggesting counseling to my husband a couple years ago and he didn't think it was a good idea. So, at least I can say that I tried.

 

I really have tried.

[LonelyMom]

I am looking for a three bedroom house and it is so exciting starting to look for our new home!

 

Good for you ShoppingGirl! I must say I'm envious.

[LonelyMom]

It's terribly painful to be in a relationship and lonely. Your interest in another man is probably just confirmation that you aren't getting what you need in your marriage. The question is, are you doing everything you can to contribute to and have a satisfying relationship? If you aren't, why aren't you? If you are, but your husband isn't, than it's time to make a decision about your future.

 

There are a lot of resources that can help you make the decision of whether to stay or go, there are some great link removed, and articles about why you may be link removed. There is also a group at Cafe link removed called Thinking About Divorce, that may help you.

 

Good luck and stay well.

 

Thank you for these resources!

 

I have been trying to fix things and keep them going for the past five years, I guess I ran out of steam. I just don't think I can fix anything and I've lost the desire to. *sigh*

[LonelyMom]

Update:

 

So my husband and I had another talk.

 

The first part was him stating that he is completely surprised and had no idea this was coming. He also stated that for him, nothing is wrong. Things have been the same way for a long time (my point exactly).

 

The second part was him again blaming me for the issues in the bedroom. He also feels I'm going to leave him because of the issues in the bedroom. So I tried to be as clear as possible explaining that this would not be the reason for my leaving, but that it is the straw that broke the camel's back after years of near-zero affection.

 

He seemed very genuinely surprised that I have been feeling rejected. So I again explained all the things that he (and now we) have stopped doing. I asked him if he could understand why that would make me feel rejected. He seemed to understand and he answered "I just didn't see it."

 

I also asked him if he thought that living like roommates was normal for a married couple. To this he answered "we've been together a long time, I'm not sure what you expect." I answered "I expect more than nothing."

 

That's where we left off. I know he has no idea I'm seriously considering a divorce. We're going to try the counseling.

 

Any ideas on how to make this less painful for him? I hate hurting him.

[robert-45]

You've gotten a lot of good advice. I wish I sought out this site when I was thinking about leaving my wife. Things were going downhill for us about 10 years into our marriage. We went to counseling, but neither of us was willing to see the other's point of view. Our kids were 5 and 8 at the time. Things kept getting worse and I decided to leave. It's almost 2 years later and the divorce is still pending. It was hard for her at first, but I was in a denial-euphoric stage.

 

 

Things got better and better for her. Things were o.k. for me as long as I was in denial about what I had thrown away. Then, it hit me a year and a half later. It was then that I found this site to try to make sense out of what I did. I've tried to reconcile, but she's not interested.

 

So, if I had to do it over again, I would've worked a lot harder on trying to save the marriage. It sounds like you probably have bigger issues than we did. But, it's worth considering that even if leaving seems like the right thing to do at the time, it may not be what's right in the long run. As my counselor has told me, short-term decisions can have long-term consequences.

[LonelyMom]

Hi Robert, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. May I ask what made you want to leave in the first place?

[novaseeker]

Hmm.

 

It sounds to me like he may have gotten to the point where his expectations for being married started to diverge from yours -- that is, he may be in a place where is "satisfied" having basically a roommate/co-parent, because he either doesn't have the same affectional needs at this point in time, or because he is avoiding his needs for some reason (the escaping into video games is kind of a red flag that he may be simply burying his needs somewhere and distracting himself with something to fill that time and space). Someone like that would probably see things as being "alright", because for them they are satisfied being in a marriage that has low/no affection, again either because they no longer have that need, or they are avoiding it for some reason.

 

Of course , your needs are different, and therein lies the issue.

 

If, in fact, he still has needs for affection, and is avoiding them, counseling may help him discover that and address it, if he is receptive. If he isn't receptive, or he just simply doesn't have the needs any longer and is satisfied to live without that in his life, counseling will ferret that out as well, but with a different result.

 

It was good that you had that conversation. I know it must have been very hard, especially when he claims to be on such a different page. You need to look out for yourself, mostly, in these kinds of situations. It's probably unavoidable that he is going to be hurt regardless of what happens (unpacking the baggage in counseling can also be painful at first, things are said that can cause pain, even if they are said very softly and mildly) -- but what you can do is try not to go out of your way to hurt him -- in other words, try not to do something with the motivation of hurting him (you may not feel that now, but you may in the future as things move along). You have to look out for yourself -- he may be hurt by some of that, but if it happens inadvertently, it's really his issue to deal with.

 

Hang in there -- try to take things day by day. It's rough when you're in a spot like this and you really don't know what will happen.

[robert-45]

Hi Robert, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. May I ask what made you want to leave in the first place?

 

We were hostile to each other. We agreed on very little and argued very much. I think we were both thinking we'd be better off without each other and trying to push the other to leave. But, now I think if only I had realized I wouldn't be better off without her and we'd all be better off with an intact family, we could have overcome our differences. I don't think I made enough effort to do that. She might not have made enough effort either. But, at this point, I'm faulting myself for the effort I failed to make. I'm wishing I could go back in time and make other choices.

[tangi39]

Taking action to change a bad situation is very admirable and requires a lot of courage. But would you consider putting thoughts of divorce on the back burner for now and really put your all into counseling ? I am very glad that you talked. I think your husband was honest with you and does seem genuinely concerned and unaware that he hurt you as much as he did.

It is understandable to want to walk away from bad and uncomfortable situations-but I think you may be more affected by this is the long run than you can see at this point.

 

Would you consider really giving him that chance to step up ?

[wish4me]

So sorry to read your post.

 

If there is nothing left to be saved, please leave and don't cheat on your husband. Make a clean break and move on. You are so vunerable and sad right now it is easy to fall for someone who shows you some affection.

 

I'm a single mom, and I made it.

 

Good Luck.

[LonelyMom]

Yes, everything you've written here makes sense.

 

I am trying to take things day by day and focus on the job search and the therapist search (first one said she was full, second one is not returning my calls, lol!). Thank goodness I work out, it really helps. The support I'm getting here is also very helpful (thank you!).

 

I'm having a difficult time sleeping though, I wake up at 4 and think about how I'm ruining my family, then I think about the prospect of 30 more years of this and I get all pissed off or depressed. Bleh.

[LonelyMom]

We were hostile to each other. We agreed on very little and argued very much. I think we were both thinking we'd be better off without each other and trying to push the other to leave. But, now I think if only I had realized I wouldn't be better off without her and we'd all be better off with an intact family, we could have overcome our differences. I don't think I made enough effort to do that. She might not have made enough effort either. But, at this point, I'm faulting myself for the effort I failed to make. I'm wishing I could go back in time and make other choices.

 

Are there positives though? Like the children not witnessing the fighting?

 

My parents fought all the time and it was awful. I witnessed my mom stay with my dad even though she despised him AND I knew she stayed with him for me because she told me. Talk about guilt on me.

 

How are your kids doing?

[LonelyMom]

It is understandable to want to walk away from bad and uncomfortable situations-but I think you may be more affected by this is the long run than you can see at this point.

 

Would you consider really giving him that chance to step up ?

 

You are proposing a very smart thing to do and intellectually, I'm with you 100%. I wish the rest of me could get on board...

 

If I am honest with myself, I don't think a counselor can make him give me what I need. I'll give him a chance, but I don't think he can force himself to be affectionate and frankly, forced affection is awful and it's what I've been experiencing for quite some time.

[LonelyMom]

So sorry to read your post.

 

If there is nothing left to be saved, please leave and don't cheat on your husband. Make a clean break and move on. You are so vunerable and sad right now it is easy to fall for someone who shows you some affection.

 

I'm a single mom, and I made it.

 

Good Luck.

 

I will not have an affair, don't worry.

 

I'm glad you made it.

[robert-45]

Taking action to change a bad situation is very admirable and requires a lot of courage. But would you consider putting thoughts of divorce on the back burner for now and really put your all into counseling ? I am very glad that you talked. I think your husband was honest with you and does seem genuinely concerned and unaware that he hurt you as much as he did.

It is understandable to want to walk away from bad and uncomfortable situations-but I think you may be more affected by this is the long run than you can see at this point.

 

Would you consider really giving him that chance to step up ?

 

This is the advice I needed to hear. I kept my plans to split-up to myself, so by the time I left, it was too late for this advice. And, since I made up my mind, I wasn't willing to listen to those who felt my leaving may have been hasty.

[tangi39]

You are proposing a very smart thing to do and intellectually, I'm with you 100%. I wish the rest of me could get on board...

 

If I am honest with myself, I don't think a counselor can make him give me what I need. I'll give him a chance, but I don't think he can force himself to be affectionate and frankly, forced affection is awful and it's what I've been experiencing for quite some time.

 

You are right. You can't force him. But how could he change his routine habits if he wasn't even aware of how negatively it was affecting you ?

I just think if you put aside your hurt(you have a right to feel hurt, I'm not saying you don't) for a bit and give him the chance to really try to make the change, he might surprise you- You could have a marriage that turns out stronger than it ever was even before the baby. But how will you know unless you try ?

What have you got to lose ? At worst, you can say- Well, we gave it an honest, fair shot and it's still not working. I'm just saying cut him a little slack- and try to be as patient as possible- You've been together so long, what is a little longer, really ?

Sometimes we have to act with our head before our heart gets on board with an idea for our own good.

 

You seem like such a nice lady, I'd just hate to see you make a hasty decision that you'd come to regret. As Robert stated, "Some short term decisions have long-term consequences"

[LonelyMom]

Thank you for caring Tangi, it means a lot to me.

 

We are starting the counseling next week and I've decided to wait 6 months before I make a decision. So, yes, I will give him a chance.

 

Do you think 6 months is long enough to make a fair assessment of the situation?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Actually even a few weeks of counseling can make a huge change in a marriage. And after 6 months, you can determine whether the changes are permanent and sufficient enough that you want to stay vs. go.

 

Many couples do save their marriages through counseling, but many also attend a short counseling session then slide back into their old patterns.

 

So make sure if you do go, you commit to 6 months to a year of counseling to make sure that the changes have become permanent. And both you and your husband commit to make the changes permanent.

[novaseeker]

Six months is a good time frame. You'll probably start off in triage mode, but if you give yourself a few months, it can settle in to deeper work for each of you.