REALLY BAD situation.

[SnoopyLove]

Ok, so here's the deal. Someone help me PLEASE.

 

I'm 19, and have been in a relationship with my fiance for 2 1/2 years and am so totally and utterly in love with him, but recently I have been getting these feelings for a guy at work - and I HATE myself for it.

 

I don't know why I am feeling like this. I SHOULDN'T be having feelings for anyone else, because when I said yes to the proposal, it meant for life. That I wouldn't think of anyone else besides him.

 

I feel like such a terrible person and I don't know what to do.

 

I thought that maybe my feelings for this other guy would go away, but they're not. Everytime I see him with another girl, I get ridiculously jealous and I really do hate myself for it.

 

Is it because I'm so young? That maybe being in a long term relationship isn't for me?

 

But, I cannot imagine my life without my fiance in it.

 

Also, why should I throw away a whole 2 1/2 years of my life, and my love, for someone who might like me but again might not.

 

Oh God, this is sooo ANNOYING!

 

Anyone got any advice? Be it good or bad, I just NEED advice.

 

Thanks

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are only 19 and have been seeing your fiance since your were 16 which means this has been a teen romance. The fact that you are having your head turned by another person..not just a little crush but some major head turning suggests to me that you are not ready for marriage...and who would blame you at only 19. There is so much life to explore...and people change so much in their twenties. A person they thought was perfect for them in their teens may not look so perfect as they grow and change in their twenties. What are you life goals...career plans, travel plans, interest plans? A lot of people who get married very young end up divorcing as both sides really change and grow...they might not change and grow in the same direction. So really think about whether or not you want to go through with this big decision of marriage. Yes, it is a gamble if you break things off...but once you start having doubts and having your head turned by someone else, it is not a good idea to follow through with the marriage...not until you are sure beyond a shadow of a doubt.

[Antimonic]

i think you should be grateful this occurred BEFORE you got married, i mean imagine the predicament if you were married. you need to really think about what you want, like what Crazyaboutdogs said you were in a teenage romance and you do change in your twenties and in your thirties (like the saying my gf told me, men marry women expecting them not to change and they do, women marry men expecting them to change and they dont).

 

you really need to think about whether or not your ready to commit or not, it relaly sounds like your unsure about what you want. do it now before anyone can get really seriously hurt.

[Batya33]

Well.... here goes. First, a crush like this is usually more about what's missing in the relationship rather than about the "crush-ee."

 

I will share this story, perhaps it will help. My friend met her husband when she was 16, he 17. They dated for two years and discussed getting engaged. Then she started to develop feelings for a childhood friend. She hated herself for it, it made her sick to imagine life without her bf and she was very much in love with him. I believe she kissed the other guy. Which made her even more confused/sick. She told her bf. He said, you have to choose and you have to choose now.

 

She gave it a little thought (only a little) and realized that there was no way she could imagine her life without her bf, and that what she had seen in the "crush" was superficial.

 

They got engaged and have been married now 20 years - she says she is and seems to be very very happy from the get go until now. From what I remember she said she was glad she got it out of her system and that she made the right decision.

 

good luck.

[ghost69]

so you developed a crush. so what? happens to everyone. just don't act on it.

 

how much do you interact with this guy at work? hope you are keeping it professional.

[servedcold]

I normally think the "I must not really love my BF because I'm developing feelings for another man" is a bogus rationalization made by someone who has no self-control, is impulsive and self-indulgent, and is actually thinly-veiled blame shifting to the innocent party...

 

... except when you are your age, then it may actually have some grounding. In your case, a couple of years of being single couldn't hurt, OTOH batya's story of her friend contains very good points about real love v infatuation also.

[_Asti_]

You can't control your feelings, don't worry about that. What you can control is what you do about them.

 

I developed a crush on someone I worked with, and I felt horrible about it. But I realized that I couldn't control the feelings, but I could control what I did. It had nothing to do with my relationship, or how I felt about my boyfriend. I knew I wanted to be with my boyfriend, and that he is the person I want to be with.

 

I changed my routine, avoided certain areas, avoided talking to him, and made it known that I was in a relationship, and that there would be nothing that would occur.

 

Once I felt like I had control over the situation, I was fine. And the feelings disapeared because I never gave into the thoughts and emotions I was experiencing.

 

Its going to happen, it may happen quite often, and its normal..you can't control that. But look a your behavior and how you are handling these situations, if you're feeding this crush, you're talking, you're flirting, you're going out of your way to let these feelings grow and making the situation worse, then maybe question what is really going on.