i don't understand this girl

[greywolf]

Ok, yesterday I sent her an email saying we had to cut contact because it was hurting me too much. That although I hadn't given up just yet, I wasn't up to going through the same pain each time I talked to her. And to contact me when she figures out what she wants, and if I hadn't moved on by then, maybe we could work it out.

 

I did this because she said she's not sure if she loves me. She said she took the breakup so well that she started to doubt her love for me. But now that I've cut all contact I don't think she's taking our breakup so well.

 

She called me crying later on and asked, so you're just going to stop talking to me?

And I said yes. And we hung up. I received a text later on that day from her saying she didn't want to give up on our relationship, and that she was really trying to figure out her feelings.

 

I found out from a mutual friend that she was very depressed last night, and today she's not feeling so well either.

 

So now that she's not taking it well, she still hasn't figured out her feelings?? Honestly, I just don't get it.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I think there's a difference between being confused and being in love. While I don't know your ex, it does appear to me that she still has strong feelings for you. However, it also appears there is still something holding her back. Perhaps its some secret she hasn't told you, perhaps its another person, it could be a million things. Only she knows. My thought would be to just be patient with her. If she's that important to you, I think your feelings will still be strong, and you will show her great respect for her feelings by giving her the space she appears (to me, anyway) to need right now. I think that putting pressure on her is more likely to result in her running, to get the space she feels she might need to make her decision. To me, it doesn't matter that you don't get it. What she's doing makes sense to her, and if you care about her, I would suggest that perhaps you work on figuring out her sense since it doesn't seem to be the same as yours.

 

That's just my thoughts, and that and $1.29 gets you a Jumbo Jack.

[greywolf]

I just keep hoping that nc is the right thing to do *sigh

[DN]

Every time she messages you tell her the same thing but don't get pulled into any more conversation. Just say "if you want to talk seriously about getting back together then I will talk, but unless that is what you want - I won't"

[EyesOnThePrize]

I just keep hoping that nc is the right thing to do *sigh

 

I think that if we always knew the "right" thing to do, we wouldn't be on ENA in the first place. I think NC is one thing to do, and that the ultimate purpose of NC is for you to heal, with getting her back as a secondary consideration. I also recall that its only been a few days of NC for you. In my mind, that's not much time at all, although I acknowledge that it may seem like an eternity to you. Over time, things will play out. You may find that you think about her less, you may find that you think about her more. You may find that after a week she realizes that she can't live without you, you may find that you hear nothing from her for 6 months or forever. You may find that when/if she does contact you, your feelings have changed. And that could mean they have strengthened or that they have weakened or even disappeared. I think there are no certainties here, and that attempting to be psychic is only likely to drive you mad in the long run.

 

As always, just my opinion, if you don't find it relevant, wrap it in newspaper and toss it in the trash.

[greywolf]

ok, now a mutual friend told me that my ex told her that she is having a really hard time not contacting me.

 

Honestly, I think i'm just starting to get annoyed by this whole thing. She said she's not sure if she really loves me or just loves me as a friend, but she asked me to still stay in contact with her because I'm her best friend.

 

I don't think it should be hard to not contact a friend of yours for awhile. Especially when they live far away from you. I have friends that I only contact when I'm in their area. I don't call them everyday to see how they're doing and how their day went.

 

But you know, I do feel bad talking about her like this. She really is a nice person. If she wasn't, I wouldn't want her back.

[musashi]

You did the right thing. Square on the head. Keep to NC and do not let her contact you about "being friends" or whatever until you have moved on or she decides that she wants to try and work it out. Get a firm commitment from her.

 

I let my ex back in after she cried herself to sleep for two months of NC and then I ended up being an emotional crutch until she found a new guy. It hurt worse the second time around by far. I wish I had stuck to my guns and made her either commit or not contact me.

[greywolf]

I deleted her from my myspace friends last week, and today she sent me a friend request to be added again.

 

I almost want to ask her, why are you contacting me so much??? (She added me right after she sent me an IM)

[EyesOnThePrize]

I deleted her from my myspace friends last week, and today she sent me a friend request to be added again.

 

I almost want to ask her, why are you contacting me so much??? (She added me right after she sent me an IM)

 

I might respond along the lines of "I understand that wanting to have you on your myspace friends list makes sense to you, and I recall mentioning to you that having you as a friend right now is very uncomfortable for me. In my mind, that includes on myspace, although it appears to me that you see that differently. Please understand that I'm turning down your request not because I don't care about you, I'm turning it down because I do care about you. I think that until I understand better where we stand, I need to focus on myself, and I think that seeing your myspace page would impede my healing."

 

I believe that this approach is not accusatory (never once do you say that she did anything wrong). I think this makes it about you and your situation, and not about her. I think it acknowledges that you still care, and that you are working on making yourself stronger, which may be more attractive to her in the long run.

 

That's just one take on it, others may have a different viewpoint, and my approach may not make sense to you. I'm sure you have some ideas, you've mentioned one above, I'd love to hear other thoughts of yours.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The point is that you want to be her partner, not her security blanket while she goes off to see if she can find someone she likes better. In essense, she is repeatedly asking to have a snuggle of her blankie before she runs off to meet her friends for playtime.

 

She may not get this, but you need to recognize that her impulse to snuggle her blanket is childish and hurtful to you. If she is making a choice to break up with you, then she needs to accept the consequences of that choice.

 

You are doing the absolute right thing to do. If she continues to contact you, with each contact respond, 'are you ready to get back together, if not, you know my feelings so don't contact me.'

 

If she does love you and realizes you are really gone, she may come to her senses and come back. If she doesn't love you, then she is better off gone and you should move on rather than be her security blanket while she chases off after other guys, which she will eventually do if she doesn't love you.

[DN]

I think this approach is very good and recommend you follow it.

[greywolf]

I don't know if this means anything but today my ex sent me an email saying she really was trying and she made an appointment with a counselor to talk about this and get professional advice.

[DN]

I don't know if this means anything but today my ex sent me an email saying she really was trying and she made an appointment with a counselor to talk about this and get professional advice.

Trying to do what?

 

That could mean trying to get to a place where she either wants you back or wants you gone.

[greywolf]

Trying to do what?

 

That could mean trying to get to a place where she either wants you back or wants you gone.

 

She meant it as in trying to get all her feelings sorted out instead of just blowing it off, so it could be both I guess.

[DN]

She meant it as in trying to get all her feelings sorted out instead of just blowing it off, so it could be both I guess.

This woman is the the Queen of Ambivalent & Equivocal Statements that leave you guessing - and also keep you hanging on in some sort of hope.

 

Yuck.

[EyesOnThePrize]

This woman is the the Queen of Ambivalent & Equivocal Statements that leave you guessing - and also keep you hanging on in some sort of hope.

 

Yuck.

 

Well, maybe she wants to address that. I get a ton of mixed messages from my ex, and they frustrate me, and then I remind myself that they make sense to her, even if they don't make sense to me. I think its cool that his ex is in a struggle right now. I don't think there's any way to predict the outcome, and at least she's not ignoring the issue. At least, that's how it looks to me.

[DN]

Well, maybe she wants to address that. I get a ton of mixed messages from my ex, and they frustrate me, and then I remind myself that they make sense to her, even if they don't make sense to me. I think its cool that his ex is in a struggle right now. I don't think there's any way to predict the outcome, and at least she's not ignoring the issue. At least, that's how it looks to me.

That's possible. But no matter how mixed up people are I think it is very self-absorbed to keep an ex, whom you know is in pain, in suspense like that. Confused or not, it doesn't say much for her character nor her consideration for someone who loves her.

[Clabs]

That's possible. But no matter how mixed up people are I think it is very self-absorbed to keep an ex, whom you know is in pain, in suspense like that. Confused or not, it doesn't say much for her character nor her consideration for someone who loves her.

 

DN - I totally agree with you here - lack of consideration and to me - lack of respect.

 

Mark

[NoPainNoGain]

your more likely to get hit in the head by a coconut falling from a tree than ever being happy with her ....

[greywolf]

your more likely to get hit in the head by a coconut falling from a tree than ever being happy with her ....

 

 

I know she's not perfect, and she does have some growing up to do, same as I.

But if she does get her feelings sorted out and decides that she wants to commit to me, and if I haven't moved on, I believe we could be happy together.

Well obviously if I didn't think so I wouldn't want her back. hehehe.

 

There are other complicated things about our relationship as well. We are both still pretty young, this is both our first time to have a relationship with another girl, and this is an ldr.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for her actions. I believe she is being pretty immature right now, indecisive, and even selfish. But I don't ever think she would do these things on purpose. And sometimes I'm really frustrated because I want her to open her eyes and realize how she is behaving.

 

If she never does get out of this, then yeah I couldn't be happy with her. But if she can learn from this and become a better person then I think we could be very happy together.

 

Just my thoughts...