Fiance putting a tonne of pressure on me!! HELP!

[stephie26]

Hi there..

I have posted before.. I am engaged, my fiance is 33 and I am 26. We have only been together 1 year/7 months.... We live together and we have had our fair share of ups & downs.. as posted previously we had issues with his temper/jealousy/possesiveness... We had to deal with opposite shifts him on nights me on days... We have dealt with his layoff.. he is currently laid off looking for work. However, he is in good shape financially, has his own house, rents to his tennants, sells cars on the side, etc. Plus I contribute to all the bills and take care of all my own bills. So we have had ALOT of added stress.

I am just starting my career... I am in my first year in the banking/finance industry and I'm building myself so that when I am 30 I will be in good shape financially. Yes my fiance has a house, so we are pretty set.. However, I still want to grow myself and it will only help our future the more money I can make. I have told my fiance I want to possibly go in on a house together and my assets will be "our" assets as well.

My fiance has been pressuring me VERY badly for commitment... We already live together, are engaged, I spend 90% of my time with him.. I really have no life besides work... and I'm just NOT ready to walk down the aisle yet or have children...

He makes comments on a weekly basis that I don't even think about a wedding or having kids anytime soon, and that he'll probably be impotent by the time I want kids.

I just feel he is pushing me too fast too soon! We got engaged 5 months in, living together since 2 months in.. now we have been engaged a year and he's getting antsy that I haven't planned a wedding.

 

I have told him I feel rushed... now he is getting to the point of saying he almost doesn't want to bother anymore because he feels I am not ready and maybe its not working out because I don't know what I want..

We have broken up or talked about breakups about 3-4 times now... all because of huge arguments over various things.. we just can't see to meet each other's needs... I don't understand how we can't resolve anything. I have been in other relationships and never had these issues. He has never been in a serious relationship, so maybe he doesn't understand compromise?

 

Either way... What do I do??? He's now starting to get extremely rude, fed up and threatens to call it quits saying he doesn't want to waste time and me decide another year or two down the road that I don't want this.

 

Is he being unfair? Aren't my doubts reasonable dealing with such a difficult person who I think has some type of personality disorder (which I wont get into)... yet he can't understand why I want to take it slow?

 

Any advice?

[thejigsup]

It sounds to me like this whole relationship has been rushed. You guys moved in together an got engaged way too soon! He is older and is most likely more ready to settle down right now. You have two choices that I can see; marry him and give up your youth and finding yourself, or telling him you need more time before you are ready for all that and risk losing him. Tough call, but I would opt for the second one. You can always find another man but you are only young once.

[DN]

A year being engaged with no wedding plans seems too long to me - an engagement means that you already are committed. The wedding is simply the ceremony honouring that commitment.

 

The problem (or one of them) is that it now looks as if you are not prepared to marry him unless he has a steady job.

[Tethys]

Sounds to me like you are still young, finding your way in the world, and becoming independent. I don't think you want to be married just yet. As you said, you are "growing," and you already said you are "not ready to walk down the aisle."

 

He is 33 and you are 26, so you probably have different goals -- he probably wants to start a family and you need to still find yourself. Nothing wrong with that!

 

I advise against marriage at this point -- I foresee a lot heartache in the future if you go that route. You'll feel discontent, possibly smothered.

 

Go be you -- and if you really do think he is the one, but have doubts, delay the wedding for a year. Then see how you feel about everything...!

[sti_2004]

he's being really unfair.

 

you guys should definitly call off the engagment imo. just date for a few years damn...

 

Ask him what the big rush is? Is he insecure about you wandering so he wants marry you quickly??

 

If you carry on and sweep it all under the carpet it will come back and bite you on the butt and kill your marrage and end in a ugly break up.

 

help him to address and fix his insecurities before you can carry on. tell him you need enough space to secure your own career like he's done already.

 

 

good luck.

 

ps. working different shifts is also instant marriage death. so make sure you guys figure that out....maybe he wouldnt be so possesive if you guys had that extra important time together.

[redhearts]

This is when the real issues of dating someone older really come out. Hes 33 he feels he is only getting older and if he doesn't settle down with you now, he needs to find someone else to settle down with. I'm sorry but I think he proposed for the wrong reasons. I think hes just desperate to have a wife, the family thing. Your at a different point in your life and if he doesn't respect that, isn't willing to value your opinions or wait, well guess what hes just not the right man for you. Why? Because hes only thinking of himself. Hes not accounting for how he must of felt when he was you age, unless hes one of those men who thinks of marriage/kids since they are like 12. Thats usually females, lol.

 

Oh, he proposed and you said yes because you love him, not because you were ready. So now he thinks oh great shes ready, it wont be long before we get married. Because after an engagement you wait about a year to make the plans and all that.

[redhearts]

Makes you think, if he hadn't met you, met someone else, she be in your shoes right now because hes just in a rush to settle. Thats how I see it and I see this leading to a divorce because you guys won't be marrying with having a strong relationship. Hes putting threats and break ups on your relationship, thats manipulating.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Well, taking it slow won't change his personality problems. So you have to separate out each of the issues here and decide whether each one is fixable, and hence the whole salvageable or not.

 

Slowing down gives you a breather, it doesn't solve a problem. So recognize that. You are overwhelmed and need to prioritize and solve problems.

 

Most people who get engaged have a wedding date in mind, usually within a year or at most 2 after the engagement. So if you have been engaged a year, it is understandable why he would want you to be setting the wedding date. Perhaps actually setting a date, even if it is a year away, will help him feel like you aren't stringing him along.

 

And have you discussed when he wants kids, and when you want them... 2 years or 5 or 10? He is at the age where lots of people do want to have children, and he may not want to wait til he's 40 do start.

 

So you need to sit down and start negotiating firm dates. The dates may be a while in the future, but you both need to know what the other's expectations are, and whether you can agree. If you absolutely can't agree, then the alternative might be to split up, and recognize you are just at different life stages and tying him up for another 10 years before starting a family is just not appropriate.

[DN]

If you didn't want to marry him then you should not have become engaged.

[thejigsup]

I'm engaged and we have no wedding date and probably will not get married for a long time, if ever. It is just something we felt would solidify our relationship. Too many people asked us when we were going to get engaged of marry. So basically, we did it to shut them up. Maybe this poster did it to shut him up. Hasn't seemed to work. You both have to be on the same page or it's a horror show.

[redhearts]

I think the ring just got to her head and she said yes. But I don't see this lasting, he proposed obviously for the wrong reasons. Bestrong makes a very good point. I see you maybe wanting to marry in 2-3 years? Possibly have a kid a year or two after the wedding. I don't know you, but some people who aren't rushed wait and wait for things. To me it seems like he wants to get married now and have kids now too. So its a clash, I don't think he be willing to wait 4 plus more years for you. Which he be like 37.

 

Just watch out because I'm seriously and honestly thinking he just proposed to have kids and get married asap because he feels hes running out of time.

[DN]

I have to say I see a double standard operating here - if a woman posted saying that her fiance of a year was refusing to set a wedding date I think most people would say that he is not behaving as a man who was supposed to be in love with fiance should and that he was treating her badly.

[Tethys]

DN, she just sounds young to me and not ready to be married... I would say the same to a male expressing what she has expressed.

[headunderwater]

Is he becoming more and more controlling of you? How do his jealous tendencies play out? What are the arguments about?

 

Seems like a marriage made in hell to me. Ask me how I know.

 

Don't just marry him to make him happy or shut him up. You aren't even married or together long and he is telling you what to do and when to do it.

 

I might be a bit off on this due to my personal situation but I see red flags everywhere here.

[DN]

DN, she just sounds young to me and not ready to be married... I would say the same to a male expressing what she has expressed.

If she were 18 or 19 I might agree. But she is 26 and that is not an unusual age to get married nor is it too young to make informed choices.

 

I am not suggesting she should get married if she doesn't want to - far from it. But I do think it unfair to say that her fiancé is controlling, in too much of a hurry, only wants her to marry him so he can have children.

 

If you agree to marry someone, you move in with them and then won't even talk about marriage plans - then you can hardly blame them for wondering what is going on. Most people who get engaged set a date at the time or soon afterwards.

[Tethys]

DN, oops, I still think 26 is "young"! However, I did not accuse her fiance of any of the things you listed. I think she just isn't ready to be married... yet.

[stephie26]

Basically what happened was my fiance met me when I was 24 working part-time not sure job wise where I was going.. I was partying ALOT..drinking, etc. Living life and had no desire to settle down and was casually dating.

I met my fiance and we hit it off so well and were going out alot, going places, staying over at his place many times a week.. I was just so into him, and he into me that we spent every waking moment together... attached at the hip and he asked me to move in... and everything went strong for about 5-6 months.. My fiance started discussing a proposal and I told him it was a bit soon and we should wait a year...he persisted and said lets go look at rings.. So we did and I said let's just LOOK.. He ended up buying a ring I had liked and proposed about 2 weeks later...

Why did I say yes? Well I was in LOVE and happy... and we really did hit it off amazingly... I knew it was a tad soon, but why wreck a good thing? So we talked and agreed to wait it out and at least have a longer engagement.

 

Then nightmare set in.... I got a new job, started making more money.. felt secure in the relationship to spend a bit of time with my girl friends who I missed... and my fiance got VERY jealous and possessive... He would scream and yell at me anytime I made plans with friends (which was once a month at the MOST) and I started to see his temper which is very intimidating.. He is a BIG guy too, and his anger scared me.. This went on for about 4-5 months.... seeing this emotionally insecure angered man.. who would threaten me when I made plans without him, that he may NOT come home, or stay out late and see how I like it, etc...

It was VERY unhealthy and I knew this.... So our fights got worse and worse... The only time we never fought is if I DIDN"T leave the house and always report to him where I am, how long, etc. I felt like I was on parole!!

 

This caused our first break up... I packed and left to my parent's house for a night... we got back together the next day and talked things out.. Nothing really changed, I just loved him too much I couldn't be strong to leave. Or maybe I figured I could deal with his crap again?

 

Anyways, now we've been together 1.5 years... things are better, but I also go NO WHERE... I rarely go out anywhere.. when I do once in a blue moon we don't argue nearly as much, but my fiance always has an issue... how long I went out... why didn't I answer right away.. etc.

I feel like it's a full-time job pleasing him and making him feel secure.. It gets tiring.... And then if he goes out somewhere, he will expect me to say NOTHING. It's almost like he expects 100% freedom and trust, but he's not willing to give it to me. He shows a great deal of Hypocrisy.... It's ok for him, but not for me with MANY aspects...

 

*sigh* It's so hard..... I find him incredibly hard to please.... Don't clean enough, don't want to get married yet, don't want to do absolutely everything with him, I don't want to joint all our finances, yet. ETC>

Why can't he just let us both LIVE and roll with the punches?

 

Anyways, in regards to your suggestions... I HAVE told my fiance my time line... I would be willing to have kids in 2 years.. at 28. So marriage would happen before that... I also told him marriage is a piece of paper anyway, not that I don't want to be married but what is the rush? We are already common-law and act as a married couple. I have no social life besides him!

[PixelPusher]

Sounds to me like you've got your head on straight and I agree that you're doing the right thing. You ARE committed to him IMO commitment is what's inside you and him, not written on some piece of paper. Look how many of us here were married and our spouses cared so little for what was written on that paper.

 

If you want my opinion, he is pressuring you because he wants more control of you. He sounds possessive and jealous. These problems you're having aren't going to go away when you get married. Sometimes they just get worse. Take a good hard look at his behavior and maybe ask him why he is so adamant about being "married." If he loves you, he would respect your need and want to get yourself stable financially, etc.

 

My girlfriend is 25 and I'm 34. We have been dating for two years, and purchased a home together last September. I NEVER would have bought that if I weren't ready for a lifelong commitment. We have discussed engagement, wedding, and children but we're just not quite in the place to do it yet. But we've agreed on a rough time line and will stick to it.

[Tethys]

Still sounds to me that you are not ready to settle down and get married -- you want your "me" time, want to go out with friends, party, etc. Nothing wrong with that at all!

 

Now, I will say he sounds way too controlling, based on your latest post. He should not have a fit when you go out with friends, or make you report back to him on your every movement. As they say, RED flag! You should not feel as though you are on parole! This is not what healthy relationships are made of. I don't know what his problem is, but this will surely become your problem if he continues in this vein, and it sounds as though he will.

 

I guess it's okay for you that you no longer fight about this because you no longer can go out on your own?? Are you happy living that way? Will you be happy living that way for the next 30 years? No friends, no life, nothing that happens outside of his watchful gaze?

[richmonder80]

I got married as I was hurried. The end result was a messy divorce. Hear me out. When you find someone you can see yourself growing old with and sharing your life with...there will be no doubt, even lack of money, or desire to accomplish certain things will not hold you back because you know it inside that you belong with that person.

 

I do not see that here. Your subconscious mind is telling you that he is not the one.

 

Do not let him rush you. The fact that you dont have conviction of wanting to marry him should be the answer that you shouldn't marry this guy.

 

Anyone that pressures someone to do certain things is for their own selfish motives.

 

Don't make this more complicated than it already is.

[richmonder80]

How do you think he will be when you get married? YOu will be his prisoner. A controlling man controls because he is insecure and doesnt have control in himself thus he tries to control others to feel like he has control.

 

By marrying him you are signifying that you sumbit to that kind of behviour. YOu can't change his behaviour by marrying him. He has to want to change and realize he needs to change.

 

Dont marry him out of fear of him or any fear. You marry a person becuase he makes you a better person and helpe you see the beauty in life.

[sophie274]

I agree with DN on this one.

 

It seems like there are problems in the relationship and maybe he is not the man for you.

 

However I think you need to be honest with him. Tell him that you will not be ready to marry for a while, and I think you also need to be honest that you are not sure he is "the one", the man for you. That you could be "engaged" for a while longer but you don't seem to see it as a promise to marry (which it is), since you are no longer sure you want to marry.

 

I think he deserves to know this so that he can choose to break off the engagement . I can see where you are kind of stringing him along, and that is not good.

[DN]

I agree that you should not get married - in fact, I don't think you should be with him at all. The relationship seems messy if not toxic. You should do whatever it is that you want to do before getting married and he should have the opportunity to meet someone who wants the same things he does.

 

But the lesson here is - don't get engaged if you are not absolutely sure you want to get married. It isn't fair to anyone.

[headunderwater]

Please re-read my post on page 2. You are me 12 yrs ago.

[redhearts]

You can't let a guy control your life, once you do he will think he can control everything. You need to stand up for yourself and say you know what, I can't be a caged animal I need to go and see my friends. As for him, doesn't he have friends to spend time with? If not that could be why he wants you so near and he can be overly jealous and doesn't want other men looking at you. But reality is, maybe counseling.

 

You guys have your share of issues that need to be solved, but he has the character of a person you don't want to be with. Not being able to spend time with friends and having a guy control that part. Okay so your making a lot, more than him? That can piss off a controlling guy and he can make you quit. Sooner or later it may get to the point where he hits you, not saying he will, but its a characteristic of a controlling man.