Girlfriend no sex and no sex drive

[thefustrateddude]

Hello,

 

So let me keep this short. To begin with I am 21 and my girlfriend is 23, we had been together for a little more than a year now. We are both virgins (she is the one wanting to wait, until she is ready), she is a little conservative on her views though (although we do oral and other sexual stuff except sex)

 

To make things complicated a few months after we started going out, she started to almost live with me (she has her place) but she is pretty much living with me.

 

The problem is, everything is PERFECT.. except for the sex/sexual. I am really trying to be patient, she doesn't get turned on as much as I do but we still perform oral on each other (but I get the feeling that maybe she is just returning the favor when ever I go down on her).

 

Every time I bring up the subject on having sex, she always gives a varying answer to why we are waiting (at one time it's not dating long enough, then it's a medication she was on which she stopped, she isn't ready, just the way she was brought up, etc etc it never stops) I don't know what to think, if it were consistent I would.

 

I am getting to the point where I just feel I am really sexually frustrated.. it's almost like we skipped the dating part and we are now married or something.

 

What could the problem be? Is it wrong of me to want sex this bad? Is it something with her?

 

Please Help,

 

Sexually Frustrated

 

 

edit:

 

I feel like a ass for wanting it that much, am I that shallow for questioning if she is ready or not? (considering we are practically living together + length of time together)

[NoPainNoGain]

Be patient.Dont put any pressure on her

[pinkelephant]

she's scared to have sex and isn't ready. that's the answer.

[thefustrateddude]

she's scared to have sex and isn't ready. that's the answer.

 

That seems to be consensus... but would it change? I get the feeling this is a never ending loop.

[pinkelephant]

That seems to be consensus... but would it change? I get the feeling this is a never ending loop.

 

well i cant speak for her. it usually does change over time... how long and what it takes to make her comfortable.. well that depends on so many things. better off talking to her about it and make her realize there's abs no pressure.

[thefustrateddude]

well i cant speak for her. it usually does change over time... how long and what it takes to make her comfortable.. well that depends on so many things. better off talking to her about it and make her realize there's abs no pressure.

 

I try not to pressure her, I don't even like the concept of that. Sadly when ever we do talk about it (and I think the frequency of me bringing it up increasing these days...), I think I without even knowing it trying to convince her and give my reasonings.

 

This is a paradox for me. I can't ask/force it from her, because what I want is her to do it with me totally from her heart because she wants it (not by me convincing her).. it really turns me off if I know that she doesn't want to do it.

[thedman]

I'm in the same boat as you, actually, except my girlfriend does not give me oral/I do not give it to her. In fact, she has gone back on what she is comfortable with, and now doesn't even want to do second base anymore. Her reasons are that 1) her parents brought her up with really unhealthy messages about sex and sexuality, and 2) she doesn't want to get pregnant, even though the chances with condoms and spermicide are extremely low. Actually I keep trying to keep myself from pressuring her just as you are, and don't know what to do next. She says she doesn't want to wait for marriage, but it could be years before she is able to.

 

She does initiate affection, but never tries to initiate sexual things. Basically whenever I initiate, she pushes me away even if she does want to go on. Based on what she says, the memories of abuse keep coming back whenever I start, and they make her reject my actions.

 

thefrustrateddude, it's hard to offer advice here. If you think that she acts the way she does because she is overly repressed, maybe it's a good thing to see a counselor about this, as my girlfriend and I have. On the other hand, she does give you oral, so maybe she just needs time. I have been with my girlfriend for 28 months now, so I know your pain and I feel it even more.

[thefustrateddude]

To make matter's more complicated, I sometimes think that her past relationship has something to do with it (it was a 3 year long distance relationship mostly kept in secret.. it was her first and only other relationship) and I get the feeling the she is comfortable/accustomed to non-physical relationship.

 

 

 

 

Sorry to hear that man... I wish I could give ya advice but I too am loss for words. At least knowing that I am not the only one in this board is a slight relief..

[knightNshiningarmor]

honestly you need to decide what and how much you are willing to put up with...if you follow these threads its interesting how a lot of posters tell women in the same situation that you either need to talk about it or leave as sexual compatibility is very important yet i see none of that here...is it because its a guy wanting it from his girl...i dont know...but honestly you need to understand that your sexual needs should be important and your sexual compatibility should be imperative if you hope to have a healthy long lasting relationship....sometimes its how you approach sex can really make your girl want it more...i dated a very devout Christian and basically she just really needed me to be the one to do all the leg work so she could kind of excuse her behavior by blaming it on me..i think...anyway, it wasnt long till she just said, " * * * * it. ill repent later." maybe that attitude would work but thats a very dangerous path to tread but if you do you better go with complete confidence and just own it...but anyway good luck....decide what is within your realm of acceptance and if she cant satisfy that then you may be best off looking elsewhere...and yes sex is that important for a majority of successful relationships.

[kenshinkitten]

I understand she is probably uncomfortable with the idea of sex right now it seems.

But my view is that you can only push a guy so far.

If she is giving you oral and you're giving her oral and you're living together it seems like a tease to just do those things.

[ghost69]

she is a virgin, you can push that. that is a huge thing for some people.

[Little Blue Ant]

what medication is she on? Depression? Anti-anxiety? If so, those can severely impair sex drive. She could be very insecure about it because she doesn't have the drive. I know, I was in the same boat with my ex.

[Day_Walker]

I think at some point you are going to have to ask yourself "where do you see this relationship going?" The answer to that question will determine your actions in this matter because if you dont see yourself settling down with her then you are investing too much time with her.

If this girl is waiting over a year to decide to have sex with her bf then there are one of two issues she isnt sure about you (meaning your feelings towards her) or it is her issue, which could be many things. Judging by the fact that you mentioned medication I would bet that it is her issue and the sooner that is resolved or it is addressed then the sooner you will be having sex. As I previously mentioned that is a substantial commitment on your part, so i wouldnt undertake that unless you see yourself marrying this girl.

[thefustrateddude]

I understand she is probably uncomfortable with the idea of sex right now it seems.

But my view is that you can only push a guy so far.

If she is giving you oral and you're giving her oral and you're living together it seems like a tease to just do those things.

 

Pretty much my thoughts as well, more people need to have the mentality you have.

 

what medication is she on? Depression? Anti-anxiety? If so, those can severely impair sex drive. She could be very insecure about it because she doesn't have the drive. I know, I was in the same boat with my ex.

 

Accutane for acne. Not anymore though, she was on it several months ago for three months (at that point she was really tripping and was actively effecting her). She has been off it for about 2 months now.

 

I think at some point you are going to have to ask yourself "where do you see this relationship going?" The answer to that question will determine your actions in this matter because if you dont see yourself settling down with her then you are investing too much time with her.

If this girl is waiting over a year to decide to have sex with her bf then there are one of two issues she isnt sure about you (meaning your feelings towards her) or it is her issue, which could be many things. Judging by the fact that you mentioned medication I would bet that it is her issue and the sooner that is resolved or it is addressed then the sooner you will be having sex. As I previously mentioned that is a substantial commitment on your part, so i wouldnt undertake that unless you see yourself marrying this girl.

 

Actually I did ask my self that I see it going somewhere and it's very solid... except for this part of the relationship. She mentions that it's just the way she was brought up, but I know her family well as well as she so I know thats not it.