volpe Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 So I posted about this guy, we met at a cafe and went on one night. The convo was really good, and we had fun. I didn't post about it, but kind of funny that I mentioned to my friend "maybe he has a girlfriend?" There was just something, perhaps the fact that he is attractive, intelligent, a good talker, and motivated in life that made me think he can't possibly be single, right? So, anyways, I found his myspace page and was checking it out. It looks like he definitely had a girlfriend in September of 2007, which doesn't mean much right? WELL... she had visited us on the west coast from New York July to August of 2007 and in September he had posted "I love you I love you I love you" on her page, and several people commented on her page what a beautiful couple they are. He also posted on her page a picture of them together. From the pictures, she is gorgeous, and from the comments, it seems people think very highly of her, so I'm sure she is quite lovely... She has him in her #1 slot of friends and says that she is in a relationship (though, of course, I know that can also just mean "I'm not available on myspace") but the fact she has him in her #1 slot is kind of odd. Thing is, on his page it says he is single and looking for serious relationships (doesn't even have "dating" on there) and she is not featured in his top 12 friends. She also has his sister in her friends list and his sister has this girlfriend in her top 8. In her photos she doesn't have any pictures of him, but she does have this picture of her in a close embrace with a different man seemingly at a picnic, almost entirely dressed in white, with one of those leis around their necks. There isn't any caption under the picture, so it's hard to know what that is all about. When I met him at the cafe he mentioned he was going to the east coast in the middle of july and needed to get his tickets. I didn't ask him WHERE exactly he was going... But all this is sort of making me feel that they are in a long distance relationship (sort of). Like they are free to date others but their hearts are together or whatever. At the same time, it leaves me feeling kind of... well, lied to. He implied he was single through conversations. He wrote me and asked me if I wanted to get together this week at the same cafe where we met. But if he has this girlfriend in New York, I just don't want to hang with him... Of course, the last comment he made on her page was the I love you comment in 9/07, but that wasn't all that long ago... and maybe she was just planning on coming back to SF but hasn't... I know it seems sort of stalkerish to get all this info off of myspace... I just wanted to know if I could pick any clues up and apparently I did. Link to comment
lady00 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 My instinct with this would be that he is in an on-again off-again relationship with his ex. That's just a hunch. He wrote me and asked me if I wanted to get together this week at the same cafe where we met. Anyway, did you agree to meet with him again? That certainly sounds like he was asking you out on a date. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 has he asked you out on another date since? i agree with lady, given the details you've presented us with, sounds like it is an on again/off again relationship. hmmmm..... if he asks you out again, you can just casually ask if he is seeing anyone else and see what he says.... i see nothing wrong with google-stalking, i do it myself with a new potential date! i run their names through the criminal database too. Link to comment
lady00 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 i see nothing wrong with google-stalking, i do it myself with a new potential date! i run their names through the criminal database too. Yes--and if their myspace pages are free and open, they clearly have no problem with people seeing them. I think it's fine--especially when sometimes you would never find things out about people unless you did this--unfortunately not all people are of the good and honest type! Link to comment
volpe Posted May 4, 2008 Author Share Posted May 4, 2008 yeah, i did agree, but this was before i saw the myspace stuff. i saw it last night. it's making me a little bit sick. ugh. it's hard because wouldn't he put her in his top 12 if he was going to fly out to see her in July? i know the best thing for me to do is to wait patiently and when I see him casually ask him what part of the east coast he is flying to. he also went to school in boston, so he could be going there. if he says new york, i can ask him what brings him there and it would be natural to do so... depending on his facial reaction, I think I could read him. His face is really easy to read. But part of me just feels like not seeing him at all, and when he writes or calls to confirm the date, i will just not write back. Link to comment
volpe Posted May 4, 2008 Author Share Posted May 4, 2008 i really don't want to date a guy in an on again/off again relationship. it leaves me feeling a little cheapened. Link to comment
lady00 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 i really don't want to date a guy in an on again/off again relationship. Avoid men like this. They always seem to go back and leave the new girl brokenhearted. There's just "something about the ex." They can't figure out why it isn't working, or they know and they just ignore it because they love the drama, the passion etc. even if they're totally incompatible. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 I don't blame you volpe. Whether they are open with their relationship or not isn't the point. If you are like me you would have little interest in being his west coast honey and still tied to east coast girly. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 I don't think you should call him a liar yet. He may not be exclusive with her, and it is none of your business when you first meet someone randomly whether they are single or not unless one of you asks the other on a real date - not just a wanna hang out or want to go this event - I'll be there. Or it could be as it happened to me where I definitely referenced my bf when I randomly met a guy who was in an interesting business that we were discussing - I made sure to reference him. Well, the guy didn't hear me apparently because he asked me out by email, I responded that I wasn't available that weekend because I'd be visiting my bf and he responded that he hadn't known I had one. No need to feel cheap at all - you don't have all the information. Google stalking is fine -and fun at times, lol but it's easy to fall into the trap of believing everything you read. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 I dont think it is her business per se if they are only on a friendship basis, but i definitely think that googling can have its merit because let's face it, some people are not honest and we need to protect our hearts. If he is in a relationship i would not say call him a liar at all. I would just say to her to move on and not waste time wondering if something might develop. Could be he is only thinking of being a friend to the OP and nothing more and in that case no dishonesty is going on but if she has hopes to date him it is absolutely critical to know if he has a g/f so she doesn't waste her precious time. Link to comment
lady00 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 Certainly, none of this info makes him a liar. In fact, even if he is in an off-again on-again relationship, they may be "off" now in which case he would be perfectly free to date--if that were the case, I wouldn't date him, but I don't think anything is wrong or dishonest with him dating or wanting to make new female friends. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 Certainly, none of this info makes him a liar. In fact, even if he is in an off-again on-again relationship, they may be "off" now in which case he would be perfectly free to date--if that were the case, I wouldn't date him, but I don't think anything is wrong or dishonest with him dating or wanting to make new female friends. very true..... and if he hasn't asked her out on another date, then it's all moot. Link to comment
volpe Posted May 4, 2008 Author Share Posted May 4, 2008 yeah, no i'm not thinking he is a liar. i can tell from just reading his myspace that he has some very good platonic female friends and is close to his sister and he is a genuinely good guy. i suspect from reading the comments that actually he met her in august when she came to visit, and then she went back to new york. nonetheless, it is probably "unfinished business" and they aren't together but his heart is probably still with her. i am not going to see him again... i already had an intuitive feeling about it, and seeing that was enough for me. i do have to protect my heart, because he is clearly a very good person and as much as i would want to not develop feelings, i know how i am... i fall for people when i really shouldn't... so i need to steer clear... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 Isn't this the guy who was trying to get you into bed after that event? Why would you need more information than that in deciding whether to see him again? Link to comment
volpe Posted May 4, 2008 Author Share Posted May 4, 2008 well, hey, i have sexual desire too, just cause he wanted to have sex doesn't necessarily mean that he's not a cool cat that i could have got to know on some level... i don't know, i had fun with him like i said... at least he was honest about what he wanted. didn't mention his love interest in new york, but i can't hold it against him... yeah, i don't really know why it is i always attract guys that already have someone... GEEZ. but all i have to say is that i'm glad i did NOT give in and didn't have sex, cause i've definitely done that before, have sex on the first date. i mean, i can't blame him, i went to his house, so to guys that's often seems to mean that it's what you want... my own fault for going over there. definitely takes two to tango. i enjoyed myself, i had fun with him, but yeah, cutting the losses early so i can invest elsewhere. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 Ohhh well what you wrote on your other thread is what I was responding to: wow, well update... hmmm... he is a super intelligent, a bit self absorbed. we went to an event his friend was doing....... He didn't seem to want the night to end for obvious reasons, wanted me to come back to his place, made it clear he wanted to have sex. And I didn't. Though we did mess around. I think he just wants me for my body and not because I'm totally awesome. Which is o.k., but I'm not gonna go all the way... I wrote him a note on myspace saying I had made a commitment not to have sex outside of knowing someone for 6 months, and I hoped we could be friends. Of course, he may now totally blow me off or take offense or whatever. We had a good time and had a lot of laughs, so whatever. It would be nice to turn it to a friendship with sexual attraction and messing without sex, but maybe that is an unusual request?" when I read that is sounded like you found him self-absorbed, that he seemed to just want one thing and that you had standards that wouldn't allow that. what you wrote above seems inconsistent with that. Or maybe I'm reading it wrong. I will say I don't think having sexual desire and being open about wanting to have sex has anything to do with whether it's a good idea to try to have sex on a first date. I would hope that most of the men I ended up dating long term had sexual desire for me -that's normal of course - but someone telling someone on a first date that they want to have sex doesn't make them any more honest than a man who wants to have sex on a first date but decides, instead of telling that to the woman, that he'd rather hold off on asking her until they know each other better or deciding that while he wants sex it might not be good for them to have sex right away for safety reasons or whatever. I don't find it any more "honest" to say what's on your mind - that might be more "open" or it might be tactless, such as when a person thinks "i want to have sex with this woman" and tells that to the woman even though she's shown him or told him she's not ready - that doesn't make him "more honest" that makes him tactless. I also don't see where having sexual desire links up to first date sex - desire doesn't have to be acted on. I realize that is not what happened to you but I find your post know painting a very different picture of this guy than you did in your other thread including how "honest' he was with you - I never meant that trying to have sex on a first date was a bad thing but you described it as a negative and had a negative reaction to it. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 Your two posts certainly are very conflicting. He doesn't sound like such a mr nice guy in the quote batya posted from your other thread. I think at this point you are just painting him out to be what you want him to be and perhaps since the event is further in the past now you are overlooking a few things. Link to comment
volpe Posted May 5, 2008 Author Share Posted May 5, 2008 Clearly, I don't really know what to think. I said he was self absorbed, but when I told my friend the impressions I had, she thought what he was doing was totally normal and just trying to leave a good impression on me, by drawing my attention to things he did. He was a good listener. The main issue for me is this potential girlfriend he didn't tell me about in combo with the fast moves. If it was either one or the other it'd be different but the two together... Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 hmmm.... has he actually asked you out on a date since? and since you have the 6 month rule, there is really no need to worry, you'll get to know him over time and i'm sure you'll find out in the next 6 months what the deal is with this other girl. Link to comment
volpe Posted May 5, 2008 Author Share Posted May 5, 2008 we've been emailing and he is actually extremely communicative about the whole thing and so yeah, the quote above was how i expected him to respond but he didn't respond that way... am i defending him? i don't think so... am I? sigh... Link to comment
volpe Posted May 5, 2008 Author Share Posted May 5, 2008 we are writing each other right now... emails... clarifying... Link to comment
lady00 Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 Did you tell him you found his myspace? Might be awkward to bring that up unless you two are myspace friends... Link to comment
lady00 Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 Can you talk on the phone? Probably easier and more straightforward than emailing. Link to comment
volpe Posted May 5, 2008 Author Share Posted May 5, 2008 i didn't say anything about the myspace... i'm leaving that part out. i can fish for that info later. i mean, i can't make any assumptions about that, but he said to me that he was interested in getting to know me without sex, so that's good, right? we are discussing the fast moves... Link to comment
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