I said awful things to my ex bf. Should I just let it go even though I'm sorry?

[Star14]

I broke up with my boyfriend half a year ago and haven't spoken to him in a month.

 

The thing is I said some awful things which I am ashamed of now. I had just found out that he had lied and cheated with lots of other girls the whole time we were together and I was very angry. I called him lots of names and I am truly sorry I did that.

 

Though I do believe he deserved it that time, in hindsight I probably should've shown a little more restraint. I do not want to call him to say how sorry I am about being so rude- but how do I let this go and not think about my shoddy behaviour?

[kuiks8]

Well i think you should try writing a letter, write out all your thoughts and your regrets about the situation, read it over a couple times and decide if it is enough for you to have written it and read it yourself or decide if you should send it to him. I myself always welcome the opportunity to right my wrongs. I wouldn't call though. I think the best way to do it would be through email or letter.

[lostandhurt]

I think kuiks is right. Say what you want to say in a letter and then you will know you have done the right thing. If you tell him in person or on the phone you won't have as much control over the situation. You might want to also let him know that you don't want a response to the apology that way if you don't get one it won't bother you and it will take that power away from him.

[Star14]

Thank you for your replies. But the thing is I don't want to mail him or speak to him ever again. I am sorry- but I don't know if I should tell him that. Truthfully, I don't think he cares if I am or not- I don't think anything I said even affected him one bit. N since he has never replied to any mails ever, it is pretty safe to say I won't get a response.

He is the sort of person that will view my 'apology mail' as my weakness. I just want to stop thinking about how rude I was!

[kuiks8]

What i am trying to say is do it for yourself...write out the letter so you can know you are sorry...your feeling better can not be dependent on his reaction because it will never be what you want it to be. Do what you have to do for yourself to feel better. Its really not about him or how he will receive it, its so you know you did the right thing.

[Clabs]

Hey star

 

I agree that writing all this stuff out is very very theraputic, but I really wouldn't send it to him. You said what you said back then and it sounds like he had it coming to him - if you lie and cheat and get found out you cannot expect there to be no fallout. He knows he hurt you badly - he knows you are not a bad person - he knows that you said those things in an emotional rage.

 

Do it honey - but do it for you and not for him.

 

Mark

[Lionel Hutz]

We've all been guilty of it. The tough part about it is thinking of how mean we feel. Its almost as if you cant believe you sunk so low. It also means that you were really emotionally attached and to try and make you feel better you display the complete opposite to try and get a negative reaction from the S/O. Dont let it hurt you too much. Its never too late to apologize either.

[Daria_Lane]

last I checked your response to what you wound out wasnt abnormal so why wouyld you apologize? Did he think about your feelings when he was cheating on you? Obviously not. I wouyld think he'd expect youn to be angry unless you're an andriod??

[15 Storeys High]

If you're truly sorry you should be abe to let it go without thinking.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sometimes when someone really really hurts a person that person will lash out and be mean. That is the pain talking. The guy lied and cheated on you...so what if you flew of the handle. It is okay to feel bad that you didn't show restraint, but you are human and were very hurt, so forgive yourself. He certainly doesn't deserve an apology...but you can apologize to yourself for behaving in a manner you are not proud of...and once you apologize to yourself, move on. In fact, since you wrote about it on this forum, why not take that as getting it out of your system, acknowledging your wrong-doing...and forgiving yourself.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think that if you found out he was a liar and a cheat you had every right to be angry and call him what you wanted. I dont think you have anything to be sorry for, if it helps keep thinking of what he did, that should ease any guilt you have about calling him names

[Star14]

Oooh- the last thing I want to start again is thinking about what he did and why- I obsessed about it enough!

The bottom line is, I cannot control how someone else behaves but what I can control is how I react. I was taught to behave better than that and I was just so ashamed of using the words I did. For a long time I justified it by thinking that actions matter and words don't, so since I didn't 'do' anything bad to him, it didn't matter what I said- but it does. Anyway, writing the letter might be a good idea- for myself. Rest assured, he will NOT get to read it ever.

Thank you all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Words definitely do matter...people do indeed get very hurt by harsh words spoken...but nobody is exempt from losing control and saying things in anger that they shouldn't have said. When someone treats you badly and betrays you, it is a natural reaction to lash out at them. I have to wonder why you feel so incredibly bad about this to the point that it is really affecting you. It is almost like you are subconsciously trying to see yourself through his perceptions of you in order to understand why he might cheat on you. In other words, if you were such a good person he wouldn't have lied and cheated so maybe he did that because you weren't so good and the fact that you lashed out at him proves that point. Who knows how the subconscious thinks. You are beating yourself up way too much over this...it is not like you lashed out at a friend who was getting on your nerves...what this guy did cut you to the very core, shattered your relationship, your trust, your belief in the goodness of people...so now you are almost lumping yourself into the same category as him all because you got angry at him for betraying you. I think it is worth a bit of self-exploration to discover what is the real reason why you can't let this go.

[pumpkinmoon]

I know this may sound harsh but if it was me and i had said those words, I really wouldn't care but I suppose everyone is different and you do care