My theory on how breakups occur "overnight"

[Jess...]

Hi ENA,

 

In the more than 12 months that I've been here on ENA, I've seen many times people ask how their exes can go from telling them they love them, and want to be with them, to dumping them the next day, or a couple of days later, whatever it may be. Initially, many times I had wondered myself, how my ex could have dumped me, when less than 24 hours before the breakup, he had been saying "I love you" blah blah blah... I've been broken up now, for over a year, and I'm good and healed. I saw a thread on this same topic earlier today, and this got me thinking. I realised something that I had never thought of before. A possible reason why they seem to go from one extreme to the other in the space of about 3 seconds. Wanted to know what you guys thought.

 

Firstly, it doesn't happen overnight. (At least I don't think so!) And no - that's not the part I only just realised, hehe.

 

For me, my ex and I had a pretty big fight before we broke up (which wasn't very unusual, as we fought pretty often), but after we sorted it out, he was telling me "I love you" and all the other crap, just like he always did - but the very next day (which just so happened to be Christmas Eve), he dumped me. We'd been together over a year.

 

I think it seems to happen overnight, because:

 

a) we as dumpees are not ready for/expecting the relationship to end, while the dumper has already checked themselves out of the relationship emotionally, weeks/months/years before.

 

And/or

 

b) they keep saying "I love you" or "we're going to get married, I want to be with you forever" yadda yadda yadda - because it is *habit*. They have checked themselves out of the relationship emotionally, but until they let *you* know, they have to keep up the facade, and its easy, because its something they're used to. All they have to do is keep to the usual routine that they've gotten into. Why do I think this? Its only my opinion, but its something I think is worth considering.

 

An example - after being broken up with my ex for a while, and not having talked to many guys (I'm talking like a good 8 to 10 months here - I hid away at home while I was healing) I began talking to this guy, who is now a friend of mine. He showed interest in me, texted me often - I didn't want anything to do with him romantically, but for a little while, I had to keep stopping myself from saying "ok, goodnight, love you xoxo" or something similar, at the end of my texts because I was *so* used to doing that with my ex when we were together. It was just habit. I had no emotional connection to this guy whatsoever (still don't), but I kept having to stop myself saying things like that, or calling him nicknames, etc, *because it was habit*.

 

I know this guy isn't my ex, and it may seem like that example has nothing to do with my train of thought, but my point is, I didn't love this guy. I had no feelings for him whatsoever - yet, I was still in such a habit of talking that way with my ex (because I hadn't really talked to any guys since him) that things kept almost slipping out. Had I actually *said* something, I wouldn't have meant it - I didn't want to be with him, or see him that way! I know its different, as I wasn't the dumper in my case, but the situations are the same. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if it was that easy for me to slip back into old habits, with someone I had no emotional connection to, or history with - it would be so easy for a soon-to-be-ex to keep up the facade, having had a previous emotional connection to and history with the person. Old habits die hard. Then when they finally break the news that you're breaking up, it's a shock to you, but they're already miles ahead of you in the moving on department.

 

Just my two cents. Thoughts anyone?

 

Thanks for reading

[Iceman26]

My theory on how breakups occur overnight is that they meet someone else and instead of being honest about meeting someone else, they cover it up with pretty excuses to avoid guilt.

[chasey]

So is them meeting another person the only possible reason?

 

Isn't it possible that a persons feelings can change over time?

[Daligal83]

I know with my ex that it was gradual for me in falling out of love and he never did. So the breakup was worse for him than it was for me. We did talk about it and try to save the relationship, but it just didn't work. I think it's hard either way because my ex basically became an emotional wreck dealing with the every day knowledge that I wasn't in love with him anymore. He did see the breakup coming though. I don't really know he's handling it now, but I guess at least he's not sitting there wondering what the heck happened.

[renaissancewoman101]

Daligal83, have you tried to reach out to your ex to see how he is doing?

[Daligal83]

We talk here and there. He came over the week after the break up to watch our favorite TV show. We haven't talked about the break up at all though. One of our common friends saw him a week after the break up and said he'd still pretty sad. A family friend ran into his mom and I guess she's sad too. I love his family. He has asked me to hang out a couple times, but I had to turn him down twice. It's a tough thing to maintain friendship because I definitely do not want to lead him on, but I don't want him to think I don't care at all. He's been kinda flirty though, so I'm being very hesitant.

 

And Iceman, there definitely was not another person. Even though I was emotionally checking out of the relationship basically, I was fully aware that I will technically still in one. Sure there were guys I thought were attractive, but I did not talk to them precisely because I was still in a relationship.

[postscript]

Very plausible reasons, which I think in the back of my mind, I already knew.

They've emotionally checked themselves out of the relationship, they know they don't want to be apart of it anymore - it's just a matter of when they're going to throw in the towel.

 

 

Now, the other myth you might want to help me crack as I have just experienced it --

What drives someone to do the opposite?

My ex, four days ago was telling me that it wasn't possible for us to be friends at the moment because it was too hard to switch between together to broken up to friends all in the span of a few weeks.

Last night he told me he wanted to be back with me.

"I can't stand seeing you or being around you" now "I need you and I miss you?"

 

It just can't be honest, can it? Does that make sense?

[EyesOnThePrize]

Its funny...my case is so totally the opposite. I think we both knew what was coming for several months. Hell, I got close to asking for the divorce several times. But at our cores we loved each other so much that we kept putting up with the problems. In fact, if my ex hadn't been talking so much with slimeball and another friend of hers, I think we'd probably still be struggling through. We still love each other, it was just getting unhealthy for both of us. In some ways, I almost envy those of you where the ex has gone totally cold. At least you have an answer. At least you know things are dead and gone. I live in a life where I know the love still exists, and that now is not the time for our love, and that it never be time for our love again. I do lots of work to improve myself and move on, and knowing that we split because of reasons that could be solved with some hard work and not because of lost feelings sucks.

[DeviousDevil]

I saw the my ex-fiance had checked out emotionally and I made a fuss about it, I think it pushed things to a more rapid conclusion. She did make one effort to try to be nice again, but the next day it was back to being cold.

 

Having seen the signs I had already been in mourning for our relationship 2 weeks before it ended. Peopel were telling me she just needed space to work, I knew that wasn't the case, I knew she was lying when she promised everything would be alright and that we weren't breaking up.

 

I just don't know how a person can fall out of love, hope I never do.

[Jess...]

I think 99.9% of the time it is A. They have checked out or met someone long before they tell you it's over.

 

Oh it's definitely most of the time A. But the reason it seems so "overnight" to us, is because they lead us on, whether out of habit, or just plain cruelty, I don't know. But we don't see it coming (or choose not to see it coming) so it's a shock to us when we are finally informed.

 

So is them meeting another person the only possible reason?

 

Isn't it possible that a persons feelings can change over time?

 

It's very possible. My ex hadn't met anyone new at the time of breaking up with me (at least I don't think so, hehe) I think it was just a case of feelings changed, but for him they changed a long time before he actually let me know. Looking back now, I can't blame him - we had both become very different people to who we were when we first got together. Sure, some elements of our personalities were the same (the good ones) but we'd also developed bad parts of ourselves too, and I guess that's what made him bail. I can't thank him enough now, LOL!

 

Very plausible reasons, which I think in the back of my mind, I already knew.

They've emotionally checked themselves out of the relationship, they know they don't want to be apart of it anymore - it's just a matter of when they're going to throw in the towel.

 

Exactly.

 

 

Now, the other myth you might want to help me crack as I have just experienced it --

What drives someone to do the opposite?

My ex, four days ago was telling me that it wasn't possible for us to be friends at the moment because it was too hard to switch between together to broken up to friends all in the span of a few weeks.

Last night he told me he wanted to be back with me.

"I can't stand seeing you or being around you" now "I need you and I miss you?"

 

It just can't be honest, can it? Does that make sense?

 

Hmm...I don't think I can help you with that one, sorry! It does seem strange, though!