Harassment :(

[TAB1234]

I broke up with my ex 8 months ago but never got proper closure and she just cut me off totally. I was coping but when i sent her an innoccuous message via facebook at xmas i got blocked and that brought all the negativity back and sent me back to the beginning with regards to recovery. I kept on thinking i must've really hurt her so in the last 4 months i thought i have to tell her that i did care and am sorry. i wrote a letter but sat on it and at easter finally got the courage to call (1st call since the break up) and she promptly hung up -that hurt big time. i rang a couple of more times over the next 10 minutes hoping that she'd cool down and take my call but she didnt so i thought let me go round to her house ( i know i know but when one is hurting and i just wanted to deal with it once and for all) -she wasnt in but her mum was.

 

The argument i had with the ex was abt her mum and i told my ex's mum that i would never disprespect her and that my ex misunderstood what i was saying. her mum was lovely and said that she knows its all a misunderstanding etc...she asked me to stay but i said that i just wanted to say my piece to her and that i can't handle seeing my ex today 'cos i don't want another argument. Her mum said that she'd handle her daughter but i made my excuses and left sharpish. i then thought that i'd write a letter to my ex apologising to her for any hurt i caused and wish her all the best etc.... Sent her the letter and got a text from her saying'there's nothing really to forgive and that i hope we find whats best for both of us' -i thought cool and thought there's my closure ie. at least it was in a positive way rather than someone putting the phone down on you.

 

However a couple of days later (in a weak moment) i thought if there's nothing really to forgive why was she so rude and hang up when i called and not even acknowledge me -it's not as if i've been ringing her every day over the last 8 months (as i said that was the first call altho i had sent texts (less than double figures over the 8 months). i also sent another text saying that if she hadn't been rude i would've healed a lot quicker and that there should at lesat be some respect and it's not nice then i sent her a 3rd text saying 'guess thats the way she deals with things' -all these texts were in the space of 5 minutes 2 weeks ago. the next day when i was stronger i thought oops i shouldnt have bombarded with texts and sent one saying 'sorry..' but it got rejected -i then realised that she'd changed her number which i thought was abit over the top but i thought ok thats that.

 

HOWEVER today (2 weeks later) i got a call from the police that my ex has filed a report saying that i'm harassing her and can i stop. I was shocked!! I live 10 mins from her and obv knw where she lives and works but have never turned up at either of the places in these last 8 months and i only called her on that one day but also sent those texts the following days but she still went to the police station to complain. I am stunned/furious!!!!

[barbielovesmac]

Can you break this up into paragraphs? It's kind of hard to read. This way I assure you that you'll receive more replies

 

*barbie

[Clementine orange]

Ahhh, some girls love the drama. I don't think you were harassing her - that kind of accusation makes light of those women who are really being harassed. I suspect the police know that though and are just following up.

 

oh yes, agree on the paragraphs.

[drewciouS281]

that is a clear sign that she is vindictive. you wanna stay away from people like that. If she wants to keep it ended like that than let her. You heal and move on, she obviously is still hurt and upset otherwise she wouldnt be acting like this. you dont want to talk to her now after being so long because you will be starting back at square one. Its best to avoid all possible confrontations especially if she put a restraining order against you. Is it really that worth it to go to jail?? dude stop trying to contact her or her mom and move on. your only hurting yourself more and she is just thinking that she still has you in the palm of her hands. You dont want to be feeling that way.

[agent1607307371]

She doesn't want to speak with you, and despite saying to the contrary, you don't respect her enough to stay away.

 

Seriously, take it as a sign that she is not open to you and probably will not be any time soon. Just stay away from her.

 

I have to admit, that if I was on the recieving end, I probably would have had you warned off too.

[lakerfan3118]

what an abuse of tax dollars, ey?

well, i think you should just distance yourself now, as there really isn't nothing to gain. sounded like your intentions were at least in the right, so don't have any guilt and move on with your life.

[TAB1234]

how can ONE CALL after 8 months and 3/4 texts be constituted as harassment. I'm furious but hurt at the same time

[TAB1234]

She doesn't want to speak with you, and despite saying to the contrary, you don't respect her enough to stay away.

 

Seriously, take it as a sign that she is not open to you and probably will not be any time soon. Just stay away from her.

 

I have to admit, that if I was on the recieving end, I probably would have had you warned off too.

 

 

if she'd spoken to me in the last 8 months saying 'please leave me alone' etc... then at least i would've known for sure but there was NC. To get a call from the police was shocking!!!

[Optigan]

Well that's really hilarious, I mean, what can I say.

 

Shrug.

 

What would you want with someone like that anyway?

 

Shrug.

[TAB1234]

i thought it must be a wind-up but it wasnt. I think she's found someone else and doesnt want me to contact her but she should at least have said that to me rather than going via the police. Makes me feel like c*ap and as if i'm a bigger loser than i already am by contacting her in the first place!!!

[agent1607307371]

if she'd spoken to me in the last 8 months saying 'please leave me alone' etc... then at least i would've known for sure but there was NC. To get a call from the police was shocking!!!

 

And her ignoring and blocking you, changing her sim and hanging up wasn't clear enough?

 

You need to stop blaming her for your behaviour.

[TAB1234]

we both ignored each other at the beginning. i thought she was hurt/angry so wrote a letter apologising and got a text from her then the next day she goes to the police station?? i never contacted her after she changed her sim -why didnt she changer her sim and leave it at that? why go to the police?

[shikashika]

well she was clearly annoyed by you.. you kept on trying to contact her after she made it clear she didn't want to talk to you.

 

What she did was extreme, but maybe she really didn't want to talk to you or see you... but you ignored that... why were you still trying to call her?!?

[Lucy__lou]

Shikashika is right. It sounds like you're both in the wrong. She is a hopeless comunicator and doesn't even know how to say something as simple as "please leave me alone I don't want you contacting me" which leaves her resorting to dramatic acts such as blocking you and then contacting the police, and you seem to have a tendency to push too hard, as well. What she's done must be very hurtful and offensive. Don't take it too much to heart. But try to learn to drop it and back off next time if someone gives you hints like she did. You probably did go too far. Doesn't sound like a 'call the police' situation though. She needs to learn to be more assertive. but you can't change her, you can only change yourself and learn to back off earlier.

 

Maybe next time, if someone hangs up on you and you don't know why. Just send them one text message saying your peace, and leave it to them to contact you if they want to.

 

Forget about her. What she did to you calling the cops WAS vindictive, and I can imagine you must feel a strong desire to clear your name, but you can't. She's not someone I'd want to stay in contact with anyway.

[TAB1234]

well she was clearly annoyed by you.. you kept on trying to contact her after she made it clear she didn't want to talk to you.

 

What she did was extreme, but maybe she really didn't want to talk to you or see you... but you ignored that... why were you still trying to call her?!?

 

As i keep saying i only tried calling her on that ONE day. It wasnt as if i kept on calling her on different days. I then sent a text on one day 'cos i was understandably angry at her rudeness but that was it. It wasnt a sustained campaign -just one day when i called her and one day when i texted!! Think it's well out of order!! As i said i knw where she lives and works and its not too far from me but i've never gone to see her and i only called her on THAT day. how is that harassment????

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The point is that you are not guilty until proven guilty, but everyone has a right to file a police report. The police investigate, and if it turns out to be nothing, end of story.

 

If you have had no contact after 8 months, and still periodically try to contact her in spite of her rejecting you and refusing to engage in contact. that could feel more than a bit stalkerish to her. You drop in out of the blue wanting to discuss old issues, and got agitated that she didn't respond. So you are treating her like you are still in a relationship and she has to respond or 'owes' you something, when really, after 8 months you should at least have moved on enough to leave her alone.

 

If she never explicitly told you not to contact her, then that is her fault. She should do that. But perhaps she did once or twice and you didn't 'hear' her. Regardless, i wouldn't obsess about her calling the police, just recognize that is the clearest sign of closure there is, that it is over, and she is extremely unhappy with your attempts to maintain contact with her.

 

Chalk it off to experience, and move on. She overreacted, but you weren't quite getting the point that it was over and you should just leave her alone.

[TAB1234]

I've now calmed down and now feel bad in the sense i did get a reply from her to my letter and it would've been a nice end but 48 hrs later in a lonely moment i sent a silly text which made her go to the police and shattererd my 'closure' -feel sick now that i ruined it in that sense when i did all the hard work but got to live with it and learn from it don't know whats wrong with me and why couldnt i let it lie

[smoochie]

Dude, don't be so hard on yourself. I totally understand where you are coming from. She was being mean and conceited. She wanted to hurt you. She wanted you to know SHE was in control. She wanted to portray you as someone she needed to have restrained with a call from the police because "she is so.." whatever she thinks she is.

 

I know you feel powerless because you can't even fight back or she really will be able to get a restraining order. Don't worry, one day she will realize she made a big mistake. How long were you guys together? That may have something to do with her actions.

 

The girl has serious control issues. Or someone rejected her so bad in her past, she has to make sure she is the one doing the harsh rejections.

 

One time, I sent someone a text saying, "no need for further reply". Can I tell you he texted me three more times after that...the last one to say "don't contact me again". LOL!! I had a good time reading that one. I realized at that moment 1) he still liked me and 2) he HAD to have the last "rejecting" word....didn't matter that I had already ended the text chain telling him NOT to reply.

 

Your ex has successfully pushed you away, she did you a favor dude. Please DO NOT CONTACT HER ever again. It will get you nothing but trouble. Keep coming here if you feel the need to contact her. We all understand.

[perfect_circle]

Agent, your words on this subject are a bit harsh and slightly unrealistic - I say this because I have been in TAB's situation myself so I have experience on this. When a relationship ends, it's normal for there to be aftershocks such as what TAB speaks of (his sending a few messages to his ex). A scant few text messages and one phone call do not constitute harassment. It is unreasonable to expect someone to just cease and decist when one person gives orders to do so, especially after a long relationship. When such orders are given, it is obvious that the relationship is ending/over and contact needs to come to a halt, but the dumped person acting out because they are hurt, with very minimal contact, does not constitute harassment.

 

It is of course best to stay away from ex's like this - mine was just as crazy (literally) as TAB describes his as being. However, it is not unreasonable for the hurt person to say a scant few things out of anger when a relationship has ended - and I think TAB's efforts with the letter are certainly noble.

 

Just because the dumper says "no more" doesn't automatically put them in the right and the dumped in the wrong.

[TAB1234]

2 of my friends have said that she's being vindictive whilst the other 2 have said that they're not surprised that she did that to me because i shouldnt have pushed it and brought it up again after 8 months. They said that she had strong feelings for me and that 'cos i hurt her this is how she's reacted dealing with it. They said that i should've just accepted the nice text from her and that was it and i shouldnt have sent 3 more texts (as i'd said everything in the letter) asking her again why she had so much animosity? it's like i'm bringing up the whole thing again and she just doesnt want to deal with it. They've said i was foolish I agree that i shouldnt have sent those 3/4 texts but all said and done i think going to the police was a bit extreme.

 

I'm hurting more now than before i sent my letter

[DeviousDevil]

I'm kinda getting the same nonsense.

 

My fiance dumped me (totally cold feet, her actions make it clear she wasn't ready for commitment - she is 3 1/4 years younger) and didn't even end things properly face to face. Totally infuriating given how much I had commited the the relationship and that it moved on so quickly was her doing.

 

My texts are ignored, even when it is to do with pertinent things such as getting some of her stuff back to her. Will take it around when I know she is out looks to be the best solution (she is in a shared house).

 

But really I just want to understand why she is doing the same rubbish to me that she clearly must have done to the guy before me. He was trying to contact her, she'd ignore him, eventually text back nastily and eventually talked to him again.

 

I remember feeling sorry for that guy and questioning her closely about it. I still got the impression she was in the wrong. Having gone through a break up with her, I know she was in the wrong.

 

I can't believe that someone at one time so loving, so keen to move onto marriage can just try to forget I ever existed. If I had betrayed her, or done something wrong during the relationship I could understand, but I did not and even she didn't say I had.

 

I didn't think I would ever hate her, even with all the pain the breakup brought, but this subsequent coldness when we should be able to at least be still friendly, might do.

 

To the opening poster, if the person doesn't want to see you, you can't force it, I'd love to be able to get a proper conclusion with my ex-fiance, but she is just not brave enough and mature enough to do that. Indeed, I think she is going to go from relationship to relationship continuing to do this sort of rubbish, if I can I'll warn the next guy discretely, let him know the warning signs of when things are going wrong.

 

 

Had the shoe been on the other foot and I wanted to end things, I wouldn't have been so cruel. I know she is confused, I know she had felt strongly for me and she had warned me she pushes people away to avoid pain and despite all this she went and done this. Gutted.

 

 

TAB1234 - you're definitely not alone in this and I know how frustrating it is to not be able to even attempt to resolve things or be clear on why even friendship is no longer an option. Just make sure you never treat someone else as badly.

[TAB1234]

Thanks for the comment devious.

 

what kills me is that it took me 8 months looking to get an ending with a modicum of respect and i finally got it only to ruin (and make it worse than i ever imagined) 48 hours later. Thats what annoyes/hurts me and makes me feel sick

[TAB1234]

Soon as i think i'm taking steps forward and that the harassment accusation is the final nail in the coffin, i just found out today (indirectly) that my ex's father passed away!!!!!

[npc24]

guess you shouldnt have dumped her?

 

my ex dumped me and then proceeded to publicly snub me and tell me people i was not able to get over him and that i was stalking him...in 11 months ive seen him 2 times...a real stalker right

[TAB1234]

i dumped her in a hissy fit (people do silly things when they're angry) and tried calling her the next day to say i was upset at being ignored for a week etc...but she never calmed down