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Still fighting but very, very, tired of it all....


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Hi, all:

 

I'm not really sure why I'm spilling my guts here to complete strangers but yet another sleepless night leads me to do so.....

 

Yes, I have "those thoughts", several times a day, actually. What's led me to this point? Over the last month I:

 

(1) Got laid off from a decent job

(2) Got dumped by the only woman I really loved.

(3) Lost a good friend of mine (motorcycle accident).

(4) Found out I have a condition that might impair my sex life for good (_not_ an STD or HIV/AIDS, just so you know)

(5) Realized my debt is much higher than I thought (my fault- earlier in the year I spent too much $$$ thinking that I would have all winter to pay off the bills)

 

A person can only take so much before it's time to throw in the cards, right???

 

Just so you know, I am much older than the average poster so this is not a knee-jerk reaction to what has happened. I'm just at the point where I don't know why I bother any more. I don't want to hurt my parents/family but I don't know if I can live another 20,30,40+ more years feeling like this.

 

I'm trying to get another job but the depression gets in the way (hard to write good cover letters & give a good interview). Don't know if I could be productive anyway.

 

The breakup finally made me stop being a f..ing romantic idiot & accept the fact that I'm not going to find someone "special". I mean after 20+ years of trying there comes a point when you've got to accept your fate, right?? Unfortunately I know myself & I can't bear the thought of spending my life alone either. And I'm not the kind of person who's willing to settle just to have someone. Please don't tell me "I'll get over it"-this is the first time I've been realistic about relationships in my whole life.

 

Plus there goes any chance of having kids. This women was the first one I really wanted to have children with. I so wanted to have a little girl with my ex, often told her that our future daughter would look just like her; it hurts a lot, a lot, a lot to know it won't happen.

 

I miss my friend. I'd only known him about 1.5 years so he wasn't my best friend, but just one of those guys that always made me laugh & that everyone liked. Since he & I often rode one in front of the other when we were out with our sportbike goup, it could have been me that hit the car that pulled out in front of him instead of him.

The only reason I wasn't riding that day was because my ex had left me only two days earlier & I couldn't even get out of bed. I often wish I had gone & it was me that hit the car. At least I wouldn't have to be posting here right now & the world needs more people like him (i.e. always happy) than me (i.e usually unhappy).

 

I'm rambling now. I hope I'm too cowardly to go through with what I think about but I'm certainly not looking forward to the holiday season. It's a good thing it's hard to get a handgun up her in Canada but OTOH most of my plans are to make it look like an accident anyway so hard to do that with a gun, eh?

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Dear Red Devil from Canada.

The fact that you have visited enotalone.com and posted your story and that you might need help means that you are already 50% of your way to getting back on track. We all know that life's problems never happen one at a time - they all come at once. At a time like this you have to be strong and know that EVERYONE has been in a position where they wanted to throw in the towel. I have also been laid off from my job, which was very tough as I had just bought a new car and was still paying off my study loan, but I am still here because money is not everything in life. About loosing your friend - yes it takes a while to sink in, yes you are going to miss him and yes if he was as good a guy as you say he was then you know that he is in a far better place than this planet.

You know that doing the cowardly thing is not even an option, that is way too extreme and not the way out to your problems it will only create problems for your friends and family.

So Red Devil hang in there and be strong because better days will be here before you know it.

Good luck and I hope I helped a little.

0X

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Hey Red Evil,

 

It is never too late to learn from bad experiences. Besides losing someone makes you clever and more experienced. You can understand pain and be more sympathetic to the ones who once lost somebody.

 

Im sory you are going under a lot of sadness right now. And worse is that winter is coming. I really dont like cold weather that's why I move to Mexico. Ohh my god! These mexican women are relly nice to foreingers and the weather is fantastic. Never below zero even in winter. I have made many friends in just a couple of months.

 

So Red what are u doing there just thinking about killing yourself?. Be strong. Look for any job save anough to travel and let the bank wait the three years that the law gives you to pay. (I dont really know how much that is in Canada).

 

I have a canadian friend who lives here, he goes to Cananda from time to time, works on the streets as a vendor and works for a month. . then he gets back to live nicely here. (One month of work gives him enough to live three in mexico). He has a deal with the bank he owes and gives a little payment from time to time.

Unless you are too arrogant to think you are better than the rest of the world, well, the world is out there Mr. Red Canadian.

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2 statements i HAVE TO reply to:

"I'm trying to get another job but the depression gets in the way (hard to write good cover letters & give a good interview). Don't know if I could be productive anyway."

seems that ur a writer.. ever think of righting a book? the feelings ur having my come in handy for that. while ur looking for a steady paying job, there's no shame in working in a resturant or store. At least u'd b productive, have money for the bills, and it would give u a distraction.

 

other comment is on:

"Plus there goes any chance of having kids."

once u get ur feet bak on the ground, ever thought of adopting? you could take care of a child who wasn't fortunate enough to have loving parents tat could keep them. think of making a child who has nothing, feel like they have everything, and let their life grow and flourish.

 

just my thoughts. hope they help ;-)

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Firstly I have to say that doing away with yourself is not the way to go. Life is so fragile and we can literally be here one day and gone the next so please dont try to end it yourself because youll be missing out on a lifetime of golden moments.

 

Youre not alone in your pain. I have suffered a lot emotionally this year too but I am slowly starting to cope with it all and believe that things wil start to get better. It all just takes time. 6 weeks ago I broke up with someone whom I believed I would marry and have my children with - but all my hopes and dreams vanished into thin air when I found out he had been cheating on me and had been lying about nearly everything. 4 years of my life went down the drain and even though I probably would have been more comfortable staying with him for the simple fact that he had become a habit - deep down I knew this wasnt someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I was willing to sacrifice almost everything to be with him, but then I reconsidered and said to myself "the only thing worse than wasting 4 yrs of my life with this man is wasting 4 yrs and one day" so I pulled the plug on the relationship and have been doing it on my own ever since.

 

I know its difficult to lose the person you love so dearly and also your friend. But things do get better with time. It may not seem that way now but let the dust settle so to speak and you will regain your objectivity. Is it definite that you cant have your own children in the future? Have you gone to see more than one doctor/specialist? You know it is worthwile to be checked up by more than one so please dont worry about something that you may not have to worry about. I have heard real life stories where couples apparently couldnt have children so they resorted to IVF.But when that failed and they were almost about to give up - God lent a helping hand and they conceived naturally. So anything is possible! Just dont give up. Have a little faith and place your trust in God. I sincerely believe that he controls our lives and a little bit of prayer goes a long way.

 

As a final note - put a smile on your face People say that if you think optimistic thoughts you will feel optimistic too so try looking at the glass as half full instead of half empty. And I agree with what one of the other members posted here: You should get into writing. Your writing style is fabulous and I know Id buy your book if you ever wrote one someday.

 

All the best.

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how old is older than most of us? (just thought i'd ask).

 

where does the real problem lay? Because those things you listed are real problems and very hard to deal with, but something usually lays beneath them.

 

About getting a job, best kind to get when you are feeling down and out is one where you work helping others directly. One where you don't have a lot of time to think about your own pain. Or just volunteer in the mean time while looking for a job at a homeless shelter. You could work with those children who have had an extremly rough start in life and show them that they are important. Sometimes the best way to cure your own pain is to help heal others.

 

well take care and best wishes. You can PM me if you'd like to talk further.

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