Hi, all:
I'm not really sure why I'm spilling my guts here to complete strangers but yet another sleepless night leads me to do so.....
Yes, I have "those thoughts", several times a day, actually. What's led me to this point? Over the last month I:
(1) Got laid off from a decent job
(2) Got dumped by the only woman I really loved.
(3) Lost a good friend of mine (motorcycle accident).
(4) Found out I have a condition that might impair my sex life for good (_not_ an STD or HIV/AIDS, just so you know)
(5) Realized my debt is much higher than I thought (my fault- earlier in the year I spent too much $$$ thinking that I would have all winter to pay off the bills)
A person can only take so much before it's time to throw in the cards, right???
Just so you know, I am much older than the average poster so this is not a knee-jerk reaction to what has happened. I'm just at the point where I don't know why I bother any more. I don't want to hurt my parents/family but I don't know if I can live another 20,30,40+ more years feeling like this.
I'm trying to get another job but the depression gets in the way (hard to write good cover letters & give a good interview). Don't know if I could be productive anyway.
The breakup finally made me stop being a f..ing romantic idiot & accept the fact that I'm not going to find someone "special". I mean after 20+ years of trying there comes a point when you've got to accept your fate, right?? Unfortunately I know myself & I can't bear the thought of spending my life alone either. And I'm not the kind of person who's willing to settle just to have someone. Please don't tell me "I'll get over it"-this is the first time I've been realistic about relationships in my whole life.
Plus there goes any chance of having kids. This women was the first one I really wanted to have children with. I so wanted to have a little girl with my ex, often told her that our future daughter would look just like her; it hurts a lot, a lot, a lot to know it won't happen.
I miss my friend. I'd only known him about 1.5 years so he wasn't my best friend, but just one of those guys that always made me laugh & that everyone liked. Since he & I often rode one in front of the other when we were out with our sportbike goup, it could have been me that hit the car that pulled out in front of him instead of him.
The only reason I wasn't riding that day was because my ex had left me only two days earlier & I couldn't even get out of bed. I often wish I had gone & it was me that hit the car. At least I wouldn't have to be posting here right now & the world needs more people like him (i.e. always happy) than me (i.e usually unhappy).
I'm rambling now. I hope I'm too cowardly to go through with what I think about but I'm certainly not looking forward to the holiday season. It's a good thing it's hard to get a handgun up her in Canada but OTOH most of my plans are to make it look like an accident anyway so hard to do that with a gun, eh?
