anger and hate toward authority figures I admire

[Lucy__lou]

I'm having trouble handling my emotions with anger at authority figures/potential role models. I've noticed a recurring theme with me and two men who I admire and respect professionally, but have inevitably wound up hating. It's happened with two men in the past year, and I really need help in handling my emotions here. I'll simplify it into one story, because both stories are very similar.

 

It goes like this,

 

me: subordinate/student/new on the job

him: important person/authority figure/ impressive, potentially good role model.

me: stupidly don't pay enough attention to how high he is on the heirarchy, and warm to him and I'm too relaxed and familiar with him when I should be more distant and respecting.

him: reacts and suddenly isn't friendly anymore

me: paranoid that he thinks I was flirting

him: continues to be cold and unfriendly/ignoring me indefinitely

me: angry at loss of potentially valuable role model/contact start to seriously resent him ignoring me and shutting me out/ blocking my career. I go along with his new less friendly code of conduct, but the resentment builds up until eventually it becomes more and more obvious that I'm angry at him. My body language communicates that I think he's worthless and that I have no regard for him.

him: gets angry that I'm not treating him with respect

me: still hate him, but a bit scared now.

 

And so it's war. Only he has more power, influence and connections than me.

 

What is going on here? how should I handle it when an authority figure decides to make himself unapproachable? I get angry, because I have a hunch that if I were a guy he wouldn't have gone all unfriendly on me. So I resent the fact that I'm being excluded and shunned at the drop of a hat, because I see him encouraging and mentoring the guys more than women.

 

But is there any way I can patch it up? or look at it differently so that it doesn't fill me with rage?

[kluv224]

Confusing....

[agent1607307371]

I don't know that you can change your relationship with these people now, but I would definitely start implementing changes

 

me: stupidly don't pay enough attention to how high he is on the heirarchy, and warm to him and I'm too relaxed and familiar with him when I should be more distant and respecting.

 

in this phase here.

 

You only have power over your own actions, and as you've identified this as part of a cycle, this is what you have to change.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

do you have issues with your parents? Did you feel ignored, or belittled, or not good enough for them? Or were they distant or used their parental power over you unfairly? Or the opposite where you were very spoiled and used to be the center of attention with them?

 

This sounds like a classic case of working out your personal/family baggage on role models at work. I'd get some personal counseling to explore what is going on there.

[Beanie1]

I know what you mean because with certain people (colleagues and friends) I have done the same thing.

 

I start off admiring them so much and I just want them to think highly of me that I give a lot of myself, whether it be being overly generous with my time, revealing information about myself etc. When they (inevitably) start to pull away I then feel very rejected and start to resent them.

 

I have learned that if I try to stop myself from giving too much early on then I feel less rejected if things don't turn out how I'd planned. I also try to see it from their point of view - they may have various reasons for pulling back from me, and it doesn't mean that they don't like me or think less of me.

 

The way that you behave from here on will determine your future with these people - the more angry you are and behave the less chance you will have of ever having a positive association or friendship with them. On the other hand if you are respectful, friendly and professional you'll probably find they will come around.

 

I work in a corporate environment and I have learnt that in most cases superiors will shy away from close friendships with subordinates as it is not generally smiled upon and can get very tricky when they are trying to be "the boss". It does not for a second mean that you have done anything wrong!

 

Good luck

[Lucy__lou]

Confusing....

why? was it my writing style?

 

You only have power over your own actions, and as you've identified this as part of a cycle, this is what you have to change.

you're right there. thanks!

 

do you have issues with your parents? Did you feel ignored, or belittled, or not good enough for them? Or were they distant or used their parental power over you unfairly? Or the opposite where you were very spoiled and used to be the center of attention with them?

 

This sounds like a classic case of working out your personal/family baggage on role models at work. I'd get some personal counseling to explore what is going on there.

good point. behappy, but no, my parents gave me enough attention, but neither were very good role models, (neither had careers), so I am aware of my need to observe others and find role models because I wasn't in the company of many adults growing up who could be role models, and I think some of my inabilities to swim in the professional or academic world come from this lack of exposure. I also resent the fact that a lot of top executives are men and end up giving more of their time and encouragement to the young men because they find it easier to take them under their wing, and are awkward about doing the same with women, lest it be misinterpreted. This perpetuates the gender imbalance and makes me furious. When a male superior snubs me, and then I see him talking to the guys at my level, chatting away, I get bitter.

 

The way that you behave from here on will determine your future with these people - the more angry you are and behave the less chance you will have of ever having a positive association or friendship with them. On the other hand if you are respectful, friendly and professional you'll probably find they will come around.

Thank you Beanie, all very sound advice. Great to hear from another Aussie my age too. But how do I be respectful when I'm angry? One of my issues is that it's in my instincts to be proud and if someone is unfriendly to me, I will not feel like I can be respectful to them and retain my dignity. This is what angers me, that they make themselves unapproachable, and it becomes impossible for me to be nice to them because I am pissed off.

[Beanie1]

I know what you mean by the anger - you feel very justified in being angry and thereforeeee treating them with hostility.

 

I guess I try to sit back and really try to work out "why am I angry?" "Would other people see it the same as me or would they think I was being a little strange?" In most cases when I do this I realise that I have been the one being unfair. I think if you do this you would probably come up with a reason as to why they are unapproachable - whether it be they are too busy, stressed, have some things going on at home, are too career focused etc etc.

 

How does this person/people act towards everyone else in the office? Are they unapproachable to everyone? If so then it really isn't about you and there's no need to be angry.

 

If nothing else I always try to remember that not all people will hit it off and its not always my fault. Maybe this person just wasn't meant to be your mentor/friend and rather than being angry at him for that, accept it, be respectful and look to someone else to be it.

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks Beannie.

 

In my case, with the first guy, I didn't get angry until I started to realise he was well known and liked in the community, and on friendly terms with a lot of the students (this was a professor), but had chosen not to acknowledge me, even though I'd been friendly in the beginning. With the second guy (exec director of my area at work), I really can take some of the blame because I was too friendly in the beginning, not realising who he was, and he was very smiley and friendly back, but now he's withdrawn. Which is fair enough, but it just feels like a stab in the chest because he's gone too far to the other extreme and isolated himself from me (by keeping greetings to an absolute minimum with zero warmth). It's also frustrating that he has all the control over how we relate to each other. He can be friendly if he wants, but if he choses to be distant then I'm supposed to just quickly adapt to the new regime. I hate that he has all that power.

[traeh]

Wow, I totally get where you're coming from. My boss really perturbs me too. Everything started out fine at the new job until I saw his true colors and was around him often enough. Due to the fact that he is a jerk, I can't stand him and sometimes feel like it shows. However, I am mostly able to keep it under wraps (even though he pisses me off so much).

 

The sad part is.. even though you are filled with rage/you despise him/you resent him/don't want to sacrifice your dignity by being nice.... you have to suck it up and play the game. It's just a part of life and the political spectrum of it all. You WILL be shunned unless you are nice to him, even if it kills you.

 

I have to say that I laughed a little at the post by bestrongbehappy. That's such a psychological perspective. I think you have a valid reason to be annoyed at your boss and are overanalyzing your feelings. Take them for face value: you're pissed, you have every right to be, but you MUST grin & bear it, and pretend like he's Mr. Wonderful. That's life.

[jettison]

This is a similar dynamic to dating and relationships so it's interesting that you mention "flirting" in your OP. Sex and power are virtually interchangeable on some levels, so if you're living by this sword, then you'll get cut by this sword. Just like in relationships, when someone pulls back from you, and you are able to recognize this, then you pull back even harder in the other direction. However, you do not pull back in obvious ways, and it should never be done in a way that anyone could put their finger on, and minimizing your focus on the object of your draws in their attention, and may bring about more of the ego that you crave.

 

Rage is a sure component of the ego equation here, and you wouldn't be feeling any if this weren't the dynamic. You're looking at a man as an impediment to your goal. thereforeeee, man = enemy. You either stop focusing on your goal while "the man" exists in your peripheral vision, or else drop the end goal all together, and then focus on "the man" as just a person, and then you have faith in a positive outcome.

 

You can't do both simultaneously. Choose one. Either this guy, whoever he may be, is akin to an orange road cone that you would just assume run over in your Audi, or he's just some bloke that has lots of problems, puts his pants on one leg at a time, fights with his wife, has a weird fetish that nobody knows about, cries in the bathroom sometimes because his kid hates him, and worries more about whether the Red Wings will win the playoffs then weather his significant other is at peace. Just a person... just like you.

 

But if you're looking for more concrete advice, it's hard to lend. The rage exists in you, he senses it, he back off still more. So, you have to break that pattern. Choose A or B. Falible gentleman or orange road cone. Either/or.

 

But you can't do both. Take he humanist approach, relate on a more intimate level, or else don't. Not both.

[Beanie1]

Traeh hit it on the head - you will be shunned unless you are nice to him. And being nasty to him will not only ensure you have a bad rapport with him, but it could also affect your relationship with other colleagues, and hurt you at review/promotion time.

 

I have a boss who we seemed to get along great for the first six months - worked brilliantly together and were great mates in the office. Unfortunately after being let down by him socially a few times I realised that he is just that kind of person - very charasmatic but also very shallow and can turn his affection/attention on and off like a tap. This hurt like hell and I got pretty peeved but in the end realised it wasnt worth wasting my energy feeling hurt or angry and that he was my boss after all!

[jettison]

There is a way to be polite to someone without being so respectful that you come off like a panderer. If a boss senses that you're trying to please them then they tend to lose a level of respect, just like in a relationship. The parallels are uncanny. You can do your job well, do your due diligence, be polite, be agreeable when you need to be and still not look to seek the boss' attention and admiration. If you openly search for his approval, then it's a longterm recipe for disaster IMHO.