Do you always wait for the guys to ask you out on a 2nd date?

[confused25]

So . . . I need to hear your experience on this, male and female

 

Went on a date with this guy about two weeks ago, had great conversation and chemistry, and we ended up hanging out at the the bars after dinner until 3 in the morning (did not make out or anything, just hugged goodbye at the end of the night). Since then we've been texting and talking on the phone regularly (he usually initiates the text and phone convo's). He lives in a city that's about an hour from me so trying to meet up will take some planning. I know that we are both interested in each other but I guess I'm just a bit dissappointed at the fact that he bring up anything about wanting to see me again. He knew I had plans this past weekend so we didn't make plans to meet up . . . but I spoke with him on the phone two days ago and he didn't ask me about this weekend either. Soooooo, my question is . . . should I ask him instead? Or should I wait and see what he says? When I date someone I usually wait for the guys to bring up the 2nd dates. I just don't want to make it seem like I'm being like desperate or something . . . what do you guys think??

[ADrifter]

Personally I wouldn't ask.

[Superfreak]

I think he's thinking exactly what you're thinking right now.

 

You two are texting and talking on the phone alot so I don't think it's a lack of interest on his part. I think this is a case of you both being young (although correct me if I'm wrong) and him not quite yet knowing the rules of the dating game. He's worried about coming off as desperate too but doesn't realize that it's typically his job to ask the second time.

 

So I'd say you should ask him, or allude to it by saying "I had alot of fun last time, we should go out again" and see what he says.

[jraf]

Definitely bring it up on your own.

At least you'll have a resolution to the question that is obviously occupying your thoughts.

[civilservant]

I agree with superfreak, causally drop it into your next conversation and see what his reaction is.

[ycmanvs]

Just bring it up....ask something about what is a good time to hang out, or just tell him when you are available.

[wayoverit]

If you ask him, it's over.

 

A man likes to be the chaser, and a runner, if being chased.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Ask him. If he gets turned off by the fact that you asked him then he is no prize. It amazes me that men and women think nothing of getting naked with each other very quickly and yet there are still these so-called "rules" about "heaven forbid" a woman asking a man for a second date. That's just ridiculous. If you want to go out with him then ask him...a decent man wants equality, not this whole chasing bit.

[Superfreak]

If you ask him, it's over.

 

A man likes to be the chaser, and a runner, if being chased.

 

I sincerely doubt that a man that would stop seeing someone just because she brought up going out again before he did was ever really interested in her to begin with.

 

Your advice only works for women that like to comfort themselves with the belief that the reason he chose to end the relationship was because she didn't follow secret rules, rather then facing the reality of it being her that he has the problem with.

 

It may be more comforting to know that you were rejected because you didn't follow hidden rules rather then acknowledging that it was you that he wasn't interested in. But it's also far from honest.

[ghost69]

send this text:

 

'sup sucka? what joo doin this weekend yo?'

[Gratsy]

If a guy did this to me, I'd just say, "why haven't you asked me out for a second date?"...Also, I wouldn't have been texting him etc., for long periods of time until we were closer and had been on several dates.

 

I don't play games...I'm so over ambiguous men its not funny. If he doesn't ask me or waits forever to do it, and I'm the kind of person who is curious as all hell, I'll just ask because it annoys me. I think its annoying when men play games/do crap like this and so I just put an end to it pretty quickly. If his ans. was anything other than its-happening-very-soon-I'm-sorry, I'd be like, okay bye mr. waste of time.

 

A lot of men complain about women playing games/being emotionally irrational but a lot of times they are the ones who are ridiculous.

[wayoverit]

I sincerely doubt that a man that would stop seeing someone just because she brought up going out again before he did was ever really interested in her to begin with.

 

Your advice only works for women that like to comfort themselves with the belief that the reason he chose to end the relationship was because she didn't follow secret rules, rather then facing the reality of it being her that he has the problem with.

 

It may be more comforting to know that you were rejected because you didn't follow hidden rules rather then acknowledging that it was you that he wasn't interested in. But it's also far from honest.

 

 

I always believe it's much more appropriate for the man to have the honor of leading. If he doesn't, then you already have the answer.

 

Why let the man lead? Well, if he doesn't lead but led, then he is essentially p*ss*fied. Do you want to start out a relationship with this man feeling unmanly? This is a pyschological dance. Let the man do the asking. Let him be the man. This is no secret.

[jraf]

I always believe it's much more appropriate for the man to have the honor of leading. If he doesn't, then you already have the answer.

 

Why let the man lead? Well, if he doesn't lead but led, then he is essentially p*ss*fied. Do you want to start out a relationship with this man feeling unmanly? This is a pyschological dance. Let the man do the asking. Let him be the man. This is no secret.

 

Do you also believe that men are the only sex capable of running companies or countries; that women should always be paid less then men for the same work; that women are to "moody" to make rational decisions; that a woman's place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant?

[jraf]

I don't play games...I'm so over ambiguous men its not funny. If he doesn't ask me or waits forever to do it, and I'm the kind of person who is curious as all hell, I'll just ask because it annoys me. I think its annoying when men play games/do crap like this and so I just put an end to it pretty quickly. If his ans. was anything other than its-happening-very-soon-I'm-sorry, I'd be like, okay bye mr. waste of time.

 

This is what is described as a mind game.

[Batya33]

If a man hasn't asked me out on a second date after one or two phone calls, I delay responding to his phone calls and keep the conversations brief with "I'm really enjoying talking to you but I have to go now' so that if he wants more he has to step up to the plate and make plans.

 

I was in a similar situation 4 or 5 years ago - awesome first date - he toasted to "us" and other nice things - but then didn't mention getting together again. The next day I sent him a thank you e-mail which I almost never do. Then we exchanged a few emails. Then he called me (we were supposed to go to the same party a week or so later). When he casually mentioned "hanging out again some time" I jumped on it and closed the deal to meet the following friday. What a mistake. It was so obvious when we met up that he wasn't that into me and that he met up more like a "why not" and because of our mutual friends, etc.

 

He's not asking you out because he is content with typing and talking and you are making yourself very available to type and talk. If you must, you can bring up in this way "I really enjoy talking/texting but things are getting busy lately so I have less time for a phone pal - if you want to get together, just let me know and hopefully we can make a plan."

[Superfreak]

I always believe it's much more appropriate for the man to have the honor of leading. If he doesn't, then you already have the answer.

 

Why let the man lead? Well, if he doesn't lead but led, then he is essentially p*ss*fied. Do you want to start out a relationship with this man feeling unmanly? This is a pyschological dance. Let the man do the asking. Let him be the man. This is no secret.

 

Nice moving of the goal post. We're not trying to determine how manly this posters date is, we're trying to determine if he's still interested in her. It sounds like their's a chance he is but he may be letting his youthful inexperience prevent him. Or the poster may have done any number of things to give him the impression that she no longer desired him.

 

Whatever the reason, the poster isn't interested in gender posturing over who has traditionally done what, she's interested in whether or not their is a future with this guy. The only way to know is to ask him out again. Asking him directly elicits the quicker response and is extremely doubtful to carry the penalty that you seem to state as an unequivicol truth.

 

If he ends up not wanting to go out with her again, it will be because he didn't feel any chemistry or attraction on the date or some other reason, it most definitely won't be the case where he's itching badly to go out with her right now until one fateful day, he receives a call and *gasp* the object of his affections chose to perform the indecency of asking him if he's busy on Saturday night and he becomes instantly turned off. It's an absolutely ridiculous mindset.

[Maya_A]

Ask. After all, you are interested & yet not initiating another meeting so it might be the same for him. And who knows, he may have taken that you were busy the next weekend as a "hint" that made him not sure of how you felt. Maybe not but point is we just can't say what someone might be thinking.

 

I think the idea that a male should be the one to always ask in this situation is actually absolute insanity. Why conform to such limiting, invented protocols. It doesn't matter at all who asks (you are two equal human beings) but at this point it seems someone should.

 

Really, if you only look at it from a practical viewpoint, if you want to really know "how things stand" either way you will only find out by asking.

 

Hope it goes well...

[Batya33]

Not always but I think in the beginning stages it's best to let the man do more of the asking and calling if a serious relationship is the goal and if the man involved is an adult. In my experience (indirect too - hundreds of examples) - it's ineffective if the woman does more of the asking in the beginning. So, sure, she can ask for the second date but at this point, since he's had the ball in his court for quite awhile, chances are he's not asking because he's not motivated to.

 

If she asked whether after a great first date and one phone call she should invite him to a concert she had tickets to - sure, why not. But to me in this situation - the writing is on the wall. That writing can change to a date invitation if she stops being so available to him so that if he wants to continue chatting he has to call her and make a plan in advance to see her in person.

[Maya_A]

I think where two people really like each other it never matters who asks... If a man is really very much into a woman, he will be over-the-moon that she asked to see him again...

 

But yes, in this situation it could very well be he isn't motivated to ask & that doesn't seem an illogical conclusion at all. It seems kind of probable by "experience" in what we usually see in scenarios most often. But on the flip, so many times we also make assumptions that aren't correct as well. He does seem to be initiating talking with her a lot. Why he hasn't asked could be for many reasons... Maybe he thought when she mentioned she was busy the next wknd. it was a brush off... Maybe something else... After all, OP is interested & not asking yet either...

 

I can't see why asking a simple question would put someone off. Maybe (don't know) it is the way many women have tended to ask... Perhaps they give off an air that they are asking about relationship status all too quickly or something like this.. Merely asking him out to do an activity again after all of the chatting he knows he has been doing with her, shouldn't seem strange to him at all.

 

And we focus so much on the other person at our own expense often. If OP knows where things stand I'd imagine it would be best for her as well.

 

I would want to know if the person wanted to see me again so I wouldn't keep putting all of this time & emotional energy into something that wasn't going where I'd hoped it would be.

[Batya33]

In my experience often a person is not over the moon after just one date and that is a fragile time - feelings are developing -- and can change quickly depending on what you learn about the person. I've had a great time on a first date but then the man was too needy after so my feelings changed and I was not as into going on a second date. Likewise, a man who finds a lady interesting and intriguing might have that bubble burst a bit if she starts calling him and asking him out for a second date. That's why I have that focus on the initial stages of dating - once you're a couple, once the feelings are strong, developed, solid, it doesn't matter really who does the asking.

[Maya_A]

Agree to disagree - that's the way it goes sometimes

[Batya33]

Of course - I'm just referring to what worked for me and all of my friends and acquaintances the last 20 years or so. Never heard of a happy long term relationship where the woman did more or most of the calling or asking in the beginning.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Maya. I don't think men are so stuck in these traditional roles anymore...the "he man" notion. I think there is more equality in dating and I have seen many posts on here where the guys would love the woman to ask them out. I am sure there are plenty of examples of women who asked men out on second dates or third dates and it worked out very well. My sister-in-law pursued my brother...they have been together for 24 years...married for 16 years.

 

I know one woman who insisted that she would never ask a man out on a date, thought men would get the wrong impression of her.....and yet the way she flirted and carried on and gave come hither looks, the men figured out that she was an easy lay...so here she was putting on this big show of how improper it was for a woman to ask a man out...and yet she was ready to get naked for them if they asked her out.

[Batya33]

I am only saying that it's better for the man to do "more" of the calling and asking in the beginning - not referring to the "he man" thing at all. I am referring to an extent to traditional roles but not to the extreme you are.

 

As I typically write I am not sure what the under 25 set does because I am not as in tune with that age group but late 20s and up - I am and things have not changed as far as the effectiveness of a woman doing more of the calling and asking in the beginning if she wants a serious relationship. It's generally not. I am sure there are exceptions -- I only know of one because it was written up in a major newspaper last year (the couple were in their 30s).

 

That's great about your sister in law. I'd be curious as to the specifics - did she do more of the asking out - for how long - more of the calling and for how long? did she propose marriage? I am sure that all could be true because I'm sure there are exceptions but from my perspective the "general" has not changed.

 

I have always known that men would love to be asked out. Never doubted that - for several reasons it makes sense - they don't have to put in the effort, it's flattering, etc.. I also know that those same men who love to be asked out, choose the lady where they do more of the asking or calling when it comes to picking a serious girlfriend.

 

I also think it works fine for a woman who genuinely is happy and more turned on calling all the shots and being in control and wants a man who tends to be on the passive side. It's true - I know few women who would be happy that way. And yes I am being gender specific because I don't think where the roles are reversed that the woman is passive and wants a controlling man.

 

If I were asked about whether it's "fair" that would be a different question. It's not. I never minded asking men out, it just wasn't effective, and that was a pain. When I'm asked about asking a man out for a second date I generally advise that there's nothing wrong with it, it's just usually not effective.

[Gratsy]

This is what is described as a mind game.

 

Please. Its being honest. Its finding out what I want to know.