Phone didn't ring

[wish4me]

I guess this sounds silly, but i've been dating this great guy for 6 months. We usually get to talk on the phone every evening. Occasionally, since he works in construction, he returns home, eats and falls to sleep and I don't hear from him that night. I don't like to call incase he is sleeping or is busy. I know this sounds odd but I always get a call from him early in the morning if I don't hear from him the night before. Didn't get that call this morning and I guess I'm old fashioned and wait on the guy to ring me. I get anxious when he doesn't call and think our relationship is changing. I don't want to suggest to him that I expect to hear from him each day. We did talk for about 2 minutes yesterday at lunchtime but I haven't heard from him this morning. He's the one who always calls me.

 

I just don't want to feel as though I'm chasing him because I am not, but I feel sometimes let down when I don't get to hear from him. I guess I'm over reacting!

 

Thanks, Kel

[Batya33]

Well, after 6 months I think the "who calls who" thing really needs to stop other than in the rare circumstances where one person is being ultra needy and has been calling a whole lot or where one person says "please don't call me tonight/tomorrow because [going to sleep/big meeting, whatever] and you honor that just like you would with anyone.

 

I remember feeling this way about a guy I was dating for 3 months - I called a friend who tended to be blunt and she said it was a problem that I was still worrying about that at that stage.

 

If I didn't hear from my bf during our usual time at night my only reaction would be concern about his health/safety - unless I was totally PMSing or we'd had an argument it wouldn't occur to me that it had anything to do with me. I would call him as soon as I was sure I wouldn't wake him.

 

I think you should call him and decide at what point you cross the line from "the beginning stages of dating" where you let him do more of the calling and a relationship where you basically take turns or your routine, whatever it is (mine is he calls me more mostly because of logistics), is not because of the whole "chasing" thing but because it works for you as a couple.

 

Obviously there are exceptions - I am a big fan of pulling back a bit in response to someone acting like he or she needs space.

[EQD]

well the problem with this is you may be doing too much 'hard to get' and actually sending him vibes that you arent interested.

Give him a call.

[Lana0120]

First of all, he may just be tired. Just because he's done something a little different doesn't mean he isn't interested in you anymore. Also, I tend to agree with EquestrianDynamo. If he ALWAYS makes the phone calls, it wouldn't hurt to do it occasionally at a time that's convenient for him, just to show you're interested.

[wish4me]

Don't get me wrong, I do call him, like I did lunchtime yesterday, but when he says that I will call you later I leave it up to him to call.

 

I understand totally that he needs his space, like I do, but I feel let down at times when he says he's going to call and does not.

[arwen]

It could be that you are on different pages- maybe you are ready for more commitment than he is. Honestly, after 6 months I'd expect regular contact too. There is a difference between needs not being met and promises not being kept though. If he doesn't call when he said he would, I'd find that much more worrisome than when he simply isn't much of a phone-person.

[wish4me]

He admits he's not a phone person. I don't think most men are.

 

I know most people will say "don't show him it bothers you" but its easier said that done

[arwen]

Yeah, but after six months, wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where you don't have to hide this kind of thing? If it bothers you now, and you don't share that, chances are that it will 1. not change and 2. keep bothering you. You are working to make a relationship- finding out each other's needs is vital in this stage. If you make a habit of not telling each other things that in reality take up a LOT of your thoughts, how do you expect to really connect to someone?

 

You don't need to blame him for not calling, you can just call him more often, or mention occasionally that you like the little moments of contact.

[CatsMeeoow]

Hmmm... but be very careful how you word it!!!!

 

Something like - "it really bothers me when you don't call when you say you will" is very nagging.

 

However, "I like it very much when you take a few minutes to call me every night and chat about your day. It makes me feel very special". That makes him feel good and will remind him that you appreciate his efforts so he'll want to do it rather than being guilted into it.

 

Cats

[Excalibur]

Um.......what is the purpose of this call that you receive each day?

[wish4me]

He did call yesterday at lunchtime.. whewww.. another over reaction on my part. He had been working up until 10pm on the construction site and thought it would be too late to call...

 

Kel

[Batya33]

I think it would be worthwhile to give some thought to why you would assume he wasn't calling because of an issue in the relationship or because he wasn't that into you anymore. No need to share here unless you want to, of course.

 

Is part of this the money issues you had mentioned in other threads - does that make you insecure about his level of feelings for you?

[wish4me]

He's got a lot better with money and paying his way. We talked on the weekend and he mentioned of how we got on so well, like hand in glove.

 

Honestly, i think its the fact that I'm insecure after my previous relationship. My x left unexpectidly and I didn't come to find out he was having an affair.

 

My bf will always tell me that I worry TOO much and that he aint going anywhere. When you get used to a routine of him calling and chatting each night, with those loving words, "I love you more and more". It's very comforting. It was just strange not to hear from him. I did mention yesterday that i missed talking to him and did think there maybe something wrong, to which he replied "what have i told you?, I'm not going anywhere... unless you are?"

[Batya33]

I understand that when the routine changes it's disconcerting I was just noticing that your reaction was to presume it was you and not first be concerned that something was wrong with him. That's a level of insecurity after this time period that seems a bit unusual. I understand how your past affects you -- and I hope you put effort into resolving that.

[Lana0120]

To you, it's a big deal, but he probably has a reason. It happens sometimes... the routine changes and you think something went wrong, but then you realise that actually, it's not all about you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have to deal with this kind of thing otherwise it'll just eat away at you and age you.