back and forth...

[kerosene]

Hi, I am new to the board and I need opinions and advice...it's a very long story so I apologize in advance for the long read...

 

the issue(s) between my girlfriend of 3 years and i started last year right before she went abroad to Brazil as a transfer student for one semester...we had talked about the distance and time and actaully broke up because of it, but due to us loving each other so much we decided to get back together...all was well up until last year November (she left in March and returned in August)...I had never doubted her love or fidelity in the 2 years previous to her Brazil trip, or after she got back until one day i went to check my e-mail and she hadn't logged out of hers (we both use the same computer and we both have separate Gmail accounts)...and i happened to glance at a message she sent to her best friend about a guy she thought "he was very yummy"...i didn't actually open the message, i just logged her out and went about my business. I decided to ask her about it and she told me she was tlaking about this guy that we both know...I knew she was lying and got angry...but i held it in..a few days later the same situation occurred where she didn't log out of her e-mail and so i read the message and found out it was a guy she met a week before...i confronted her and she admitted it and said that she knew how jealous i was and so she didn't want to piss me off...i accepted her explanation but my trust in her fell becuase i felt that if she could lie about that she would lie about more serius issues in order to avoid conflict...she started hanging out with this guy more and more even going as far as to sleep at his house twice (without calling to let me know i only found out after she came home the next day and i questioned her and she said she feels like she needs an escape and tey are onlt friends and his place is a place where she feels comfortable and not threatened)...i am not going to paint myself as just a victim though, i have a problem with jealousy and personal insecurity and so can understand driving her away(i know my jealousy has been an issue from day one) ...to make an already long story short, I began secretly reading her e-mail messages and each time i found more and more dirt (all of it about her time in Brazil)...apparently she was living with some guy and having sex with him for at least 3 months(she did tell me about him when she was in brazil but she told me he was just one of 2 roommates she had, the other being a girl)...i confronted her again and she started crying and told me that she found herself in a hard position in brazil and so she used him for security (i knew she had had some issues with her school not paing for all the things they should have and i had to be sending her money constantly)...she said she was on the verge of homelessness and so used this guy for a place to stay and food to eat...i told her i wasn't judging her but she could have told me...i then asked her if she slept with anyone else and she told me no...we worked at keeping the relationship togehter but my trust in her was severly damaged but i loved her and felt that we could find a happy place again...lo and behold, when the opportunity presented itself again i "invaded her privacy" (as hse puts it) an found out she slept with two other guys...she has had a history of sexual abuse in high school and blamed that as her reasons for burying the issue and not confronting it(she was also afriad of losing me)...she has been going to therapy for the past 5 weeks (to deal with her past abuse and what her therapist thinks is PTSD) and her therapist thinks she should leave me beacause i am setting back her recovery due to my invasion of her privacy and not being sensitive enough about what she is dealing with...she has told me that she doesn't want to leave me and she really wants us to work on it...i really do love her and so convinced myself to try and work through this...i know she was still communicating with the guy in brazil and so demanded that she cut of all contact and remove all trace of him from her e-mail and pictures...this morning i asked her if she had done what i requested and she told me yes, i asked her if she was sure and she said yes...she then offered to allow me to look at her e-mail and check for myself and i called her bluff and said show me then...she reluctantly got it and when i searched (very half assedly) i found over thirty e-mails and chats between them...she swore up and down that she searhed through her e-mails and deleted hat she found but i found many e-mail with no problem...now i am really fed up...but she is also angry because i took her laptop and searched, she has a problem with the fact that i would continue to invade her privacy even though i know it is a touchy subject with her...I know the message may make her out to be worse that she really is and maybe paint me in a more victimized light than i think i deserve but i don't kno what to do...she really is amazing in so many ways, and often i feel really sorry for her because she has had a rough and damaging past...i do feel bad about invading her privacy and in no way do i justify what i did becuase i happened to find dirt, i very well could have found nothing...she maintains that she always wanted to tell me but didn't feel strong enough to face up to what had transpired...i am even wondering if trust is recoverable at this point...the truth is, i KNOW she loves me and i love her but we wonder if that is enough...i applaud her for seeking help and treatment and i know tht she has had a history of using men as "toys"...she told me the other day that she should have stayed firm in her decision to be single in brazil but she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to get me back, i admit that i kind of pressured her to get back with me...i know i'm rambling but i really do want to paint the full picture and not demonize her...

 

thanks to those who tolerate my "essay" and can offer their opinions...

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

She's a liar and a multiple cheater. If I were you I would drop her like a hot rock, get over her as fast as possible and find someone who doesn't lie and cheat. Her excuses are nonsense and her indignation at you snooping are beside the point.

[Aurian]

Hard to read the wall o text - you might get more responses if you broke it into paragraphs.

 

Nevertheless, she lied to you and cheated on you, both repeatedly. Her lies are pretty lame as well. She's mad because you don`t trust her? Duh, you have good reason not to trust her! I think she is just trying to guilt-trip you; don`t buy her sob stories. Find someone who respects what it means to be in a relationship.

[Enigmatika]

i KNOW she loves me and i love her

You don't "know" that...

BUT...you DO know:

1. She cheated. Multiple times

2. She lied. ^^^^

 

..and "trust" is an issue?