The man I want to be

[EyesOnThePrize]

This is going to be an ongoing project for me, I'm thinking of characteristics I want to possess to be the sort of man I think my ex-wife or any other woman deserves. I'm never going to be perfect, I realize that, and as I've mentioned, about the only good thing to come out of the divorce was that I really became aware of some things that weren't working for me in my relationship, and probably in my life. A couple of people appeared to have issue with my statement "I am trying to turn myself into someone you would like to get together with", expressing that it turned the power over to the other person. Perhaps this list will clarify what I was attempting to express. If I had all the characteristics on this list, what woman wouldn't want to get together with me?

 

I'll start out with 10 and add more over time. After the first 3, they are really in no particular order, just as they come to me.

 

1. The man I want to be remembers that all people make sense all the time and doesn't attempt to impose his sense on others.

2. The man I want to be remembers that he is doing his best at all times.

3. The man I want to be remembers that others are doing their best at all times.

4. When he is punched (mentally or physically), the man I want to be thinks about how his actions contributed to the situation before choosing to strike back.

5. The man I want to be is patient.

6. The man I want to be takes care of his own needs, even while he addresses the needs of his loved ones.

7. The man I want to be practices forgiveness.

8. The man I want to be is perfect today, and strives to be more perfect tomorrow.

9. The man I want to be listens without judging.

10. The man I want to be works daily on keeping his mind and body healthy.

11. The man I want to be wonders how old he's acting when he reacts with anger.

12. The man I want to be is humble, and realizes how much he doesn't know.

13. The man I want to be is open to new ideas.

14. The man I want to be remembers he's not a psychic, and doesn't mind-read.

15. The man I want to be embraces that fact that he has made mistakes in the past, and learns from them.

[Litgirl01]

You are pretty darn special eyes!!!! (((hugs)))

[sourpeach]

dont think any woman would want a man who has number 6. at least i wouldnt

[hello-I-am-me]

All excellent things to strive for, although I think #6 must have a story to go along with it?

[poloplayer]

Very nice list, and all the best to you. I agree with sourpeach though:

 

dont think any woman would want a man who has number 6. at least i wouldnt

 

A man, IMO, takes care of her (and family's) needs first, then his own.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Very nice list, and all the best to you. I agree with sourpeach though:

 

 

 

A man, IMO, takes care of her (and family's) needs first, then his own.

 

Well, maybe I need to rephrase 6. I'm coming out of a very codependent situation, where I neglected my needs much of the time at the expense of hers...Hmm...actually, that does give me an idea on a better way to phrase it. Lemme edit it and then tell me what you think.

[Addicus]

EYES...I agree with #6..if we don't take care of our own stuff first..the reality is no one else will nor should we expect them to. Also, if we don't take care of our needs then there is little chance that we can be there for othee people. If we forgo what we need we become resentful! Number six is far from selfish! It's all about balance.....balancing your own needs so that you are available for others in your life!

 

Nice list..thank you for sharing!

[poloplayer]

Well, maybe I need to rephrase 6. I'm coming out of a very codependent situation, where I neglected my needs much of the time at the expense of hers...Hmm...actually, that does give me an idea on a better way to phrase it. Lemme edit it and then tell me what you think.

 

Hey, we're not judge, jury and executioner here. No need to rephrase it and ask us if it's okay. I think a couple of us may have misinterpreted what you wrote, or perhaps some of us have a slightly different point of view and that's okay too.

 

Regardless, that's a nice list of things to strive for.

[Timebandit]

A man, IMO, takes care of her (and family's) needs first, then his own.

 

In the short run - yes. Especially in the moment of crisis. In the long run, a man needs to take care of himself in order to provide any support for other people.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Yeah, I'm going to reword #6 again, later. I don't like having "neglect" in there. There's a negative connotation. I think since its my list, as long as I know what I'm talking about, that's what's most important. Timebandit expresses my belief pretty well.

 

In fact, a woman who wants me to take care of her is not what I want. Part of the strain in my marriage was that I was serving as my ex-wife's father as well as her husband. My housemate said to me yesterday "Remember, you want to be her partner, not her parent." I found a lot of wisdom in that short statement.

[starlette08]

congrats eyes

[lostandhurt]

I think if you don't follow #6 in some way you might end up looking to your spouse/gf for happiness instead of being happy with who you are. When you were single and meet someone new that is who you are. Then we change, sometimes a little sometimes a lot. If we change because it makes us a better person and happier within ourselves we will be able to give more to our loved ones and everybody else in our lives. I think it is a good list for you but not for other people. I don't have a list but I am working on myself just the same. You certainly have admiral goals for the right reasons.

 

good luck

 

Lostandhurt

[EyesOnThePrize]

I changed the wording of 6 again to phrase it positively. And this is just my list for me. If other people find things on it they like, that's great for them. And if not, that's great for them, too.

 

And these 10 things are just the start. Once I have what I think is a "complete" list (which will still probably be subject to change), I'll probably print it out and keep copies by my bed, on my bathroom mirror, at the office...For me, if I can look at the words, they sink in more deeply, and I think I am more likely to put them into practice.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I added 5 more to the list. I'm slowly figuring out who I want to be.

[musashi]

Good job, Eyes. I too have been making such a list. I am a list fanatic. I actually have a list of lists, if you can believe that - one if the many things me and my ex had in common is we were list people. I have a list similar to yours concerning the kind of man I want to be and I also have a list of things that I want in a partner as well as things that I will not accept.

 

My older sister, who is very successful and happy, but not without many years of struggle, told me simply that the key to her success and happiness is to know what you want and focus on it. Do not get distracted. Write it down and focus on it every day. I am trying to follow her advice.

[Timebandit]

Just back to the thread again. I think the idea of becoming the man that YOU want to be is so hugely important. It put's you way ahead of the pack to just think about this.

 

Please continue!

[JadedStar]

dont think any woman would want a man who has number 6. at least i wouldnt

 

That is pretty strange and gives insight into your very needy temperament regarding men.

 

A man, or woman, DOES need to take care of their own needs as well, and as you see Eyes said while also taking care of the needs of his loved ones.

 

isn't that selfish to think a man in your life should ignore his own needs?

 

Eyes, Good list!

[EyesOnThePrize]

That is pretty strange and gives insight into your very needy temperament regarding men.

 

A man, or woman, DOES need to take care of their own needs as well, and as you see Eyes said while also taking care of the needs of his loved ones.

 

isn't that selfish to think a man in your life should ignore his own needs?

 

Eyes, Good list!

 

JadedStar...Note that the wording to #6 changed a couple of times. If I recall correctly, the original wording was along the lines of "takes care of his own needs before the needs of others." And, thank you.

[JadedStar]

JadedStar...Note that the wording to #6 changed a couple of times. If I recall correctly, the original wording was along the lines of "takes care of his own needs before the needs of others." And, thank you.

 

Gotcha, didn't realize it was changed.

[nickbroken]

Personally I think I want you to be the man that gives me some money because you are such a nice guy.

[Litgirl01]

Personally I think I want you to be the man that gives me some money because you are such a nice guy.

 

NIce!!!!! Where have you been you man????

[nickbroken]

Ah just trying to get my life together, hanging with friends, I don't come to the board as much because they can be a real downer sometimes, and I try not to be reminded how I was dumped hahahaa. I hope you are doing better.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Personally I think I want you to be the man that gives me some money because you are such a nice guy.

 

Marry me, then divorce me and I'll add you to the alimony list.

[nickbroken]

Marry me, then divorce me and I'll add you to the alimony list.

 

Hell I'd just marry you for a green card.

[donescobar2000]

My ex till this days says she does not want anything from me...just wants me to be me....*shrugs* Like what in the word does that mean??? Nothig else??