I guess I made a choice.

[cs90453]

Well my wife gave me an ultimatium, no trying for a baby and no her. So I chose no her. I understand that she wants a baby more than anything and since she had the affair, even though I have fogiven her, my heart just isn't there with trying for a baby. I want to see remorse or anything to reflect that she's sorry for what she done but I just don't see it. I hear the words but I don't think that she believes that she's responsible for the affair. How can I be responsible for something I know nothing about? I take responsibility for things that were wrong with the relationship but not her actions.

 

I simply believe that a marriage is something that two people have with each other who are happy being together....no strings. We've tried for over 5 years and I've never said anything about doing anything to prevent or object to any procedure. But then I felt happy and secure, now not as much. I chose her because I feel that if we go ahead and try to have children, she's going to conclude that we are not going to have them and want out anyways. I also feel that I'm never going to be enough for her and she's never going to be happy. It really hurts to say this because I never wanted to let go or give up but what else am I supposed to do? I feel that this is the best for both of us. I know one thing, I can't see me getting into another relationship for a long time if ever. It just hurts too much.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey cs - Sorry to hear.

 

Sounds like a really difficult decision to come to. It is a brave and strong person who does the "better in the long run" thing or "what's for the greater good." Its a rare and unique trait. Not a lot of people possess it.

 

I'm sorry you're having a tough time and feel bad.

 

Keep posting...

[Dako]

You seem to have a good handle on things, and probably don't see a baby as a relationship band-aid. Kids deserve happy parents.

[DN]

What was her reaction when you told her?

[cs90453]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Her reaction was that we sell the house and move on. It hurt but I have to respect her wishes. I guess that things just went too far to come back. I just needed to hear that I wasn't crazy for feeling this way. I hate to be selfish and I never try to act on my feelings alone. I knew that my wife wanted to have a baby and I tried everything up to this point to have one but then we talked and I said that I didn't feel that it was healthy for us to have this hanging over us. I just said that we should just relax and have some fun again. Not prevent, just take a break from it. She agreed and I thought that things were going pretty well. So then this friend moved back in town and he was going through a divorce so he was pretty messed up. So then my wife would talk to him and he kept telling me how good it was to talk to her and help him through some things. I had some concerns and I mentioned them to her and she just kissed me and told me that nothing was going on and that she loved me.

 

It was never just the affair that I'm trying to get over. It's the lies that she said to cover it up and the horrible things she said to me about how things were my fault. She had even cried during sex and she said that it was because she wasn't attracted to me. Now I don't know how to approach her, let alone initiate sex with her. I stopped at that time of course because it felt like I was forcing myself and I would never do that. I guess that she dosen't understand what I'm feeling. You just can't let these things go easily.

[kmae23]

Do you know the highest divorce rate is among those married with newborns?

Sounds like a really difficult decision but a really mature one for your future children's sake.

[Maya_A]

CS,

 

I congratulate you for making a wise decision at such an emotional time. Many would just cave to the pain & do anything (i.e. try for a child) to just "hang on". Even if you might not feel it at this moment you are strong & insightful.

 

Do you think counseling for the relationship & what happened regarding the affair & moving past this (which then the child issue could be addressed, over time only of course) might help at all at this point or does it simply feel like it should be the end?

 

Very tough is when someone says they aren't attracted & are crying during intimacy because of it.... Though at various times in long term relationships, for many reasons, there can be periods where attraction is lower & then comes around again (& ways to keep it higher)... The crux is the difference between attraction levels that can vary a little "normally", & a more ongoing, deep-seated issue with overall attraction. You mention something about feeling like you will never be enough for her.

 

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through... Wishing peace...

[drewciouS281]

your making the right call man. sometimes when too much damage is done its scarred for good and things may never feel the same. I know it hurts but the fact your realizing all of this and know its for the best, your going to be just fine. You will date again and meet someone. Buy the book or dvd "The Secret" it will change your life. It got me through the split with my ex fiance. GOOD LUCK BUDDY!

[cs90453]

Thanks again for the words of encouragement. It feels good to know that I'm not crazy for feeling this way. I've never given up on anything that matters to me until now. I guess that I realized that I'm not enough for her and it's only a matter of time before she leaves me or she makes another decision to go outside of the relationship to find more.

 

We did seek councilling, two different councilors as a matter of fact and it lasted for 7 months. The first one my wife didn't like because she was blaming her for what's really wrong with the relationship. The second didn't say it but she did say wow a few times during our sessions as to what my wife was saying.

 

I believe in some things. One important thing is that we learn from our experiences and try to overcome the pain and improve ourselves. I just don't see my wife learning anything from all of this and I really wanted her to see what we have is special. I'm not saying that I'm the perfect husband. She said that I wasn't affectionate enough for her and tell her how I feel enough but I always felt that my actions reflected how I felt about her and how important she is to me. She was always the most important thing in my life. I've always felt that if someone would like to have a second chance at anything, they should take responsibility for what they did wrong. I really feel that I've done all that I can do to make things better so I will at least feel some satisfaction in that. Thank you everyone for your replies.

[mrmaximum]

You have your head on straight my man, good stuff, and I will tell you that your future kids will thank you as well. My parents went through infidelity and some other issues and there where times where our house was a total warzone!! Someone posted this earlier and it's exceptionally true. Kids need TWO parents that love them and, more importantly, that love and respect each other. The most important relationship in a family is the one between the mother and father, it's key in so many ways!!

 

You're absolutely right about leaving this woman CS, she's very selfish and self centred, and more importantly she doesn't want to hear about it or acknowledge it. Also from what you've posted she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions so you have no idea as to whether or not this action will be repeated in the future. She hasn't fixed what went wrong in the first place and then wants to have her goals and plans put on the priority list!! This is all about her and has been for quite some time apparently and no matter what she does, you are supposed to just 'hop to' and get the job done. I have no idea where she thought she had the right to issue you an ultimatum about anything but this shows her character very well and now you see what she's like. The only one who has this right at this time ISN'T her. From what you posted having a child with her would be a ticking time bomb waiting to go off, she would leave once the next best thing came along, and you have no idea when or where that would be. Be thankful that you aren't saddled with her for life because of shared offspring.

 

It will be a tough road ahead to be sure, but you are better off without this person holding you back. Good Luck with your recovery, I've briefly read about your Mother's opinion, your right that she does have your best interest at heart, but she has no clue about what a bad idea reconcilliation with this person is. You aren't crazy, you have made a VERY sound choice for the future of you, and your kids.

[cs90453]

Well I feel better about it as time goes on. We are getting ready for things now like getting our home ready to sell and things like that. For now, we're not telling our friends about it until we put the house on the market. I think that this is best so we don't have anymore distractions and I don't want to be baraged with questions. So I was speaking with my mother and after I explained some things to her, she's starting to understand what I am feeling and why. My wife and I are not arguing or anything, we're actually speaking to each other and until the house is sold that is the way it has to be.

 

So now it's the fun part of starting a new. Got to figure out some things and move on alone. Starting to get excited actually about doing some things for myself. I don't even seem to be as stressed out about things. I think that the baby thing was putting more pressure on me than I wanted to admit. Can't see me doing the dating thing anytime soon though. Got to get the heart glued back together before I throw it back in the ring.

[Maya_A]

So glad to hear that you are feeling better about all of this. You really are very mature emotionally ....

 

All the very best....

[cs90453]

Thanks Maya. Just cleaning up my PC and I just found that she has been sending the guy she was having an affiar with messages. Not sure how long it has been going on for but it dosen't matter anymore. I guess that she's doing whatever she can to hurt me....oh well. Let kids be kids is all I can say. My life will go on just fine and she can do whatever she wants to. Not surprised that she contacted him but I thought that she would have enough respect to wait until everyone knew before she started a relationship with this guy. I even asked my family that knew about it to keep it secret so she wouldn't have her reputation smeared for something that she did to me. Now I can't say that I care since she dosen't care much either so that's all I can do. She's still surprising me but I do hope that she finds happiness.