Feeling absoultely horrible...

[Scoe141]

I'm with my g/f now, for it has been 10 months. Over this time, several of my ex girlfriends have contacted me, to see how I have been doing. My g/f didn't have a problem with it initially, then it became an issue with her as we became more serious. So I told them not to contact me anymore, and respect our relationship.

 

One of my ex's contacted me back in January and I spoke with her. My g/f was upset, and I promised her I would never talk with this girl again. (We'll call her Jane)

 

So Jane moves back into town several weeks ago (from about a year away). I happen to see her on the road, and wave to her. We stopped and talked for a little while. I saw her 2 more times after that (for a brief time), to see if I could be friends with her. I always valued our friendship and she was always more of a friend then a girl I was attracted to.

 

I never told my g/f that I saw her, even after she asked me if I had seen Jane. I knew she would be upset, so I couldn't tell her. Well, one night my g/f found out, and I explained everything to her. My g/f told me that she was crushed, especially since she has always regarded me as a loyal, honest man. (I did not cheat on my g/f at all.) But, I did lie to her, and broke a promise. She knows it hurts, but loves me so much, she would rather work through this, then not be with me at all. She told me, she wants to give me a second chance, with a new promise. My g/f told me she is confident that in 30 years, she will be able to look at me and tell me I kept my promise to her. (She wants to spend the rest of our lives together).

 

I have never felt so bad in my life. I feel absolutely horrible. I have lost weight, can't eat, been depressed and don't know how else to deal with it. I never meant to hurt my g/f. I did call Jane in front of my g/f and told her I could not be friends with her, and wished her luck. But, aside from that, we talk about it, and she asks questions, and it does hurt. This has been going on now for about a week.

 

Any thoughts or advice?! Thanks so much for reading.

[ghost69]

well, you did put yourself in this situation. you should have told her from the start that you ran into her. she couldn't have been mad at that. people run into exs. it happens. yeah, you didn't cheat, but you were dishonest and unloyal. you said she asked and you couldn't tell her. i'm more worried about this girl talking 10months into this about that 30 years later stuff.

[havefaith]

Hey,

 

I think you are being too hard on yourself and accepting too much blame here. If you can HONESLTY -- and I mean HONESTLY -- say that you have no feelings for Jane romantically whatsoever, your girlfriend should have enough faith in you to realize that you are with HER now. Maybe she doesn't agree with your decision but that doesn't mean she can tell you what to do.

 

I feel like this is typical for men -- their girlfriends trap them in a corner and then it is easier to lie. Trouble is girls can be rather crazy and get obsessed with catching the guy, and she finds out eventually. This has happened in my own relationship. I look back now and realize I was being far too controlling and I should have stepped back and trusted my bf... because now that I look at it I can see he regards his ex as rather crazy!

 

You feel bad now but if she doesn't cut it out I can guarantee you will get fed up with this. She is controlling your exs now, she will probably try to control other aspects of your life if you let her. You have to draw the line and insist that she trust you, especially since you really have given her no reason not to trust you (you lied, which was not GOOD, but I can see why you did that.)

 

I think this will become more an inner security issue that she is going to have to deal with if she doesn't want to lose you. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you can't live your own life, granted that you don't cross the line.

 

So in the future you should refuse to lie. Be up front and live your own life. If she gets pissed off at you over it then honestly I don't think your relationship is that strong.

[Scoe141]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

 

The "ex" issue, is the only thing she "controls". Her big thing is, that nothing good comes from friendships with ex's. I told her initially, that I disagreed and that there was nothing wrong with it because I felt secure enough in our relationship. She emphasized this situation because look what happened. I tried to argue, "well you backed me in a corner, because I knew if I had told you, it would have been over between us." She said it would have been over between us.

 

My g/f was friends with a guy, and early on there were several inappropriate texts made amongst them. She came forward with that and confessed to me what had transpired. (She has since ceased a friendship with this guy) But she did lie about about that (saying their communication had always been respectful), so she did admit she was in the wrong, and can sympathize, but still... she sees this as different.

 

I know, I can't dwell on it, and maybe I am beating myself over it. I just feel Ive always been a good person, and a good man, and this tainted it.

[ghost69]

next time, don't pull over the car to talk with an ex. if you run into them walking around somewhere, ie grocery store, etc, just say hi. that's all you do. tell your gf next time. she won't break up if she likes you enough.

[Scoe141]

Yea, trust me.... I certainly learned a very valuable lesson. I just wonder how much "damage" this will have...

 

I guess I have always been a perfectionist... and feel like this relationship isnt perfect. That coupled with the fact, all of her friends have always regarded me as a "perfect" man... well not any more.

[ghost69]

just stick with your guns and your sorrow. earn her trust back. show her you are better than that.

[jettison]

A couple points...

 

Your GF had no business getting overly jealous and demanding that you cut all contact with your ex-GF. If you still want your ex-GF in your life somehow, then you need to incorporate her instantly. Invite her over to your house for a small gathering that includes your GF so that your GF knows that she is non threatening.

 

No doubt, you exaserbated the problem by sneaking off to see your ex and then not telling your GF. I understand your reasoning - she's unreasonable - by a lie by omission is still a lie. And once you lie, you lend evidence to your GF's case that you can't be trusted, and thereforeeee, she is vindicated for her decision.

 

There is this idea in our culture that once you've had sex with someone, and then you're no longer having sex with them, they then become a non-person to you. This is just a deplorable attitude IMHO, and it's pervassive. People are either good people or they aren't. You either treat someone well, or you don't. Honestly and integrity are everything.

 

I went out with a friend that I used to go out with many years ago. She's a dear friend now. We went out to dinner, and we were talking about relationships. I asked her "If you got a new boyfriend, and he demanded that you disown me, and not talk to me anymore, would you do it to save your relationship?" She said that she would. This is a person that I've known for 7 years. We are only friends, but we send each other Christmas cards, emails, and hang out whenever we find ourselves in each other's town. I was very surprised by her response as I am an absurdly loyal person, but I said "Ok, I understand. Now I know what we have here." I wouldn't do the same to her. In fact, if I had only known someone for 6 months, I wouldn't start telling my current friends to shove off just because I happen to be sleeping with her. My "friends" wouldn't demand anything like that from me, and I find the connotation rather disturbing. I'd dump her. You either trust someone or you don't. If she doesn't trust me enough not to do the right thing then she doesn't even know me yet so why would I be taking her side over people I've known for so many years?

 

The fact that someone would give up a true friend all in the name of nookie is just disgusting to me. Friends are friends. Whether I'm banging you, holding your hand, or waving hello, if you're a good person then I'm going to like you and treat you well. If someone has a problem with that then they won't be in my life for very long.

[Scoe141]

Certainly well put Jettison...

 

I thought of myself as a person who prided themselves on loyalty and honesty. I guess I am ashamed that this is the first time in any relationship, where I had to lie...

 

It does disgust me on my actions, however aside from this issue, she has always been a wonderful girl.

 

We'll see what happens.

 

Thanks for taking the time to write.

[drewciouS281]

All you have to do now is hold to your promise and everything will be fine. I understand where your girlfriend is coming from and your lucky she loves you as much as she does. Now dont do this again!

[Scoe141]

Yes, the impact this has had on both of our lives is so profound, I am certain it will never happen again. It obviously made us realize the love for one another, which is always positive despite the bad that has happened.

[tiredofvampires]

The "ex" issue, is the only thing she "controls". Her big thing is, that nothing good comes from friendships with ex's. I told her initially, that I disagreed and that there was nothing wrong with it because I felt secure enough in our relationship. She emphasized this situation because look what happened. I tried to argue, "well you backed me in a corner, because I knew if I had told you, it would have been over between us." She said it would have been over between us.

 

I just feel Ive always been a good person, and a good man, and this tainted it.

 

Yes, the impact this has had on both of our lives is so profound, I am certain it will never happen again. It obviously made us realize the love for one another, which is always positive despite the bad that has happened.

 

I'm sorry, but I believe you are being incredibly naive in a variety of ways here. And some of the things you say I find worrisome about your views of what a relationship should look like.

 

What jumps out to me here is how you have a very major philosophical disagreement, which came to light at the outset. This is not like discovering that the other person just doesn't like watching the news as much as you do. This is a disagreement that underlies a fundamental emotional capability that you have, which she doesn't, and a social view that has far-reaching implications about who is on and off-limits. It grossly over-simplifies the matter to isolate this and just say, "It's only about the EXs situation, everything else is a-ok. I merely have to steer clear of EXs, and we won't have any more trouble." This is not about EXs. This is about her feeling of needing to possess you and own you when it comes to people that she finds threatening. For now, it's EXs, after a while it might be someone you meet who is nice at work, for lunch. And if not that, it will be something else. You say she is not controlling in other ways? Possible. But still improbable. And whether this is a pretty isolated instance, I think that there is a dynamic being set up where you have an opinion and philosophy which is important to you, and she finds a way to shame and guilt you, and your response is to feel that you have to wear a Scarlet Letter for it -- even though you are COMPLETELY INNOCENT.

 

Bad, bad, BAD writing on the wall. It alarms me that your response to this is "I know that I was within my rights, and even was acting on my own personal convictions which I told her in the beginning, but now that she is angry at me for falling into wanting to act on my own convictions as stated, I can see what a wrong, wrong and bad screw-up of a bf I've been. And I will never, ever act on my (perfectly innocuous and innocent social) convictions again because our love is so great."

 

What she did was to present you with a Catch-22: either you 'fess up about your encounters and desire to be friends with this person and I'll rightly dump you -- or suffer my wrath if I catch you following your convictions about friendship (even though they are innocent.) This is a no-win situation. You were set up to fail, because for a while you wanted to follow your own lights, but by her not respecting that you had no choice but to lie by omission. Oh wait, scratch that, you DID have a choice -- you could have told her from the get-go, and been dumped out on the street wtih a firm boot in your butt. So, faced with this pick-your-poison scenario, you took the lesser of two pains -- you gambled that she would not find out about your friendship, or if she did, she might be more reasonable about it.

 

This is such a beautiful love that "you realized you had for eachother"? I don't think so. She does not respect your desire to have autonomy in your social circle and she does not honor your history with people of importance to you. I don't mean to sound harsh, I really don't. Some people get married with very strong possessive attitudes on both sides, and sometimes this can work. It's like any trait, such as hyper-religiosity. If two people are hyper-religious, they might have a very happy and long-lived marriage. But if you take someone who is less dogged in their beliefs and pair that person with someone who takes their religion to the letter, there are going to be philosophical divisions down the line that affect many things. Jealousy is like this -- and you and your gf are not on the same page. You did not start on the same page, and it is not in you to be on the same page. Othewise, you would have easily written off those EXs without a thought. You are being naive to believe that you will GET on the same page, and that the way to get there is through guilt, shame, fear and mistrust which have been the tools of her getting you on board a ship that you didn't originally buy a ticket to. But now you're buying it -- just to be on board. And these are the seeds of the beginning of discontent, my friend.

 

You told her a lie by omission, and YES, that was not good. But she served up an untimatum by omission. And is that not even worse? Where is her guilt? Where is her feeling of wrongness for putting you in that position? She has nothing but punitive and self-entitled views about this, as though you belong in the stocks until you are satisfactorily contrite and begging for forgiveness. Guess what? That's demeaning.

 

I think you are entitled too, here. You are entitled to not feel bad about a crime uncommitted. However, you DID lie. And for that reason, if I could rewind my own history with my bf in exactly the same situation as you're in, I would have gone back and told the truth instead, and been dumped. Honesty, then being dumped, in that order. I would have chosen that route, not the gambling with truth and my convictions route. Because in the end, it wasn't worth being with someone who would repeatedly put me to the wall, only to make me feel as the title of this thread says, "absolutely horrible." I traded my convictions in for his love.

 

I am never going to do that again, even though the "ouch" of the consequences of telling the truth would end something. Something is not worth hanging onto if keeping it requires me to walk on eggshells, to have something to "make up to them" when they were equally part of that mistake; to be put "on parole" by my partner, and have a supervised call to a friend wherein I cash that friendship in.

 

As I said, some relationships can withstand such an "agreement" because it is desired and valued by both parties. I don't find such an arrangement enlightened, personally. But who am I to judge the quality of others' happiness? If it works for them, more power to them. But I am not going to sacrifice my social autonomy for my partner -- and some people with more conservative views (including my ex) call that "selfish" of me.

 

Is it not "selfish" of them to ask that I cut important ties, supports I have in my life that enrich me? Why is that not consummately selfish and self-centered of them?

 

I, too, felt as you do now -- that I have almost always been a person of great conscience and integrity. I haven't been perfect, or a saint, no. But I am a loyal, faithful partner who is honest to a fault. If you punish my honesty, then it's only natural that I start to withhold bits and pieces to avoid punishment. This doesn't make me dishonest, but it makes me LOOK dishonest after a while, which is absolutely goring to the soul of a person with a strong conscience like you and me. It's a trap that feels wrong, and you are suddenly having to feel you've "trasngressed". You are not going to be "perfect" in this relationship or any other, in your conduct. But the way you are posting, you seem to think you need to prove your immaculate perfection to her. YOU ARE GOING TO LET HER DOWN. So far, even though you are a really above-board guy, you've already let her down, and so how high is this bar going to have to rise? How much more "perfect" are you going to have to be to meet with her approval, to not feel you've "tainted" your character to her or yourself? She is going to slowly make you feel like a bad person even though you're not. I call this sort of person a vampire.

 

And this is the reason I came to ENA.

 

So I completely sympathize with your situation, and the way you feel -- the way you want to be regarded and seen by her. I was in the EXACT same situation as you with my ex bf. He was very jealous of an ex I was close to from years before, who I'd since developed a strong platonic friendship. I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't with him on multiple counts -- if I showed my hand I paid. If I didn't and was "discovered", I paid twice over. By the end, I felt like a worthless, cheap, unfaithful, lying, deceiving wench. For doing what? Nothing!!! Except wanting to be the loyal friend to a variety of people, which is in my nature.

 

I will never again do this, and I wonder if you will go through as much misery as I did. The level of contrition you are showing here shows me that you are in for a long ride with this gal. And who knows, maybe if the flaggelations have "worked" well enough, you will live happily ever after for another 30 years with her, with this little scuffle behind you and you blithely aboard your new ship of greater honor and ties cut with your past. But I doubt it. Anyone who is talking about wanting "perfection" the way you want to see it in yourself and the way she's demanding it of you is sailing into a horizon of grey clouds.

 

Never again will I submit to this -- it's my right to keep my friends. And I take it even a step further: I reserve the right to meet NEW male friends while happily coupled up with my beloved. Because men are HALF the population, and a half that I get a different view of things than I get from my women friends. And men can tell me much better what is going on in the minds of men, so that benefits my relationship. If my partner doesn't respect that and think it's cool, we are not a match.

 

One last thing:

 

My g/f was friends with a guy, and early on there were several inappropriate texts made amongst them. She came forward with that and confessed to me what had transpired. (She has since ceased a friendship with this guy) But she did lie about about that (saying their communication had always been respectful), so she did admit she was in the wrong, and can sympathize, but still... she sees this as different.

 

This means she is a hypocrite. Which is typical of vampires.

[jettison]

Vamps,

 

Fantastic post. What can I say? I can't agree with it anymore then I do. Bravo. System won't let me rep you though.

 

When fear and insecurity rule our decision making, we tend to make poor decisions. It doesn't mean that your GF is a bad person... it only means that you she has the kind of fear and insecurity which don't allow her to breath unless she can control them.

[AuthenticAuthor]

tiredofvampires, Jettison, nicely done.

[tiredofvampires]

Thanks heaps, Jetts. I feel the same about your post -- couldn't agree more!!

 

And you said a few things that I could REALLY relate to:

 

 

 

I am also very disturbed at this pervasive attitude. "What could you possibly want from an EX, after it's over?"

 

Well, assuming the relationship was more than SEX, and likely if it was anything longer than a few months, it WAS...I still supposedly have things that I share intellectually, collegially, practically or hobby-wise with this person. Maybe they are just a great person with a refreshing sense of humor. Why can't that be enough? That I just like the unique way they crack me up? Why do I have to give that up?

 

And Jetts, I have had nearly an identical situation come up with a friend of mine. Not exactly identical, because this friend in question is someone I was romantically involved with. He was actually a boyfriend from 20 years ago who I'd lost touch with, but we had shared a very significant piece of our life history together at a pivotal time in both of our lives. I always felt we were spiritually linked, even though our lives had taken us in divergent directions. Well over a year ago, he called me out of the blue because his life had fallen apart -- his father (hero) had passed away, the company he'd worked for and climbed up in had folded and he was out of work with no other leads in the industry, and his GF of 8 years had left him. He was near suicide when he showed up at my "doorstep", drinking himself into oblivion for the first time in 16 years. He told me that of all the people he'd ever known, I would be the one who would understand how dark it all felt...and that I was always a cherished person in his life. He apologized for the fact that even though he'd wanted to call me sometimes, his loyalty to his GF made that impossible. He reiterated a code of honor that I vividly remembered as being one of the lynchpins in our philosophical/social disagreements and demise -- a jealous posture that because he would not want some other man from his GFs past intruding on their relationship, he wouldn't contact his EXs either. I told him with sad recollection that we disagreed on the role of EXs (and the opposite sex) in eachother's lives then, and we did still now, 20 years later!

 

But in rebuilding his life, we became friends again. I worked with him on his job search, and we hung out and talked for hours, many of which were wrenching and tear-filled for him. I felt gratified that he could turn to me, knew he could after all this time, and realized how much I'd missed him. I was glad we were reconnecting.

 

Then we got into discussion about his wanting his GF back, and that despite all the things that had gone wrong, if her heart turned and she wanted him back, he would take her in a flash. So then I asked, "And what would happen to us? Would you still communicate with me? Would we hang out at all?" I thought perhaps this renewal of our friendship would have "taught" him the value of friendship. But instead, he said, "I would have to go back to not talking to you, to respect her."

 

And so I had the same reaction as you, Jetts..."Okaaaay. I see. So....this is what we have here. If I get with a new guy, and he asked me to stop hanging out with you, I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short dock. But if your GF, who hurt your heart, came back, I'd be out of the picture as a friend."

 

He said sorry, yes -- and I hope you don't take that personally.

 

What part of my friendship not stacking up to you after all this bonding, when you really needed it, not mattering because now you're back in the sack with your sweetheart -- what part of that shouldn't I take personally???

 

And here's the topper on the sundae: she actually started to call him back and flirt with the idea that they break NC, even though she was dating someone else. I was incredulous and asked how, with his pride and jealousy, he was even speaking to her with her dating someone else? His answer was that he "loved her so much" that now he could bend his rules. That if she were to want to talk to him, no matter what about, and if they got together again and she retained these men as FRIENDS, he'd have to be okay with it, because "I love her THAT much. She's THAT special."

 

Yet if she were to feel insecure about me, that would be the end of it with us for another 20 years.

 

Needless to say, lately, I haven't felt much like calling him.

[jettison]

Yep, people change the "rules" to suit their own best interest. "We speak the way we breath" anyone?

[Scoe141]

Wow, all of these posts are very insightful. Some things to think about... I'll try and respond more tomorrow...

[scotty77]

I think what you did was ''small potatoes''.....initially,stopping your car when you saw her on the road was innocent but am not sure why you would go out of your way to see if the two of you could be friends.Although I definitely think your girlfriend overreacted.What do you value more ,your relationship with your girlfriend or a friendship with your ex? It sounds like your girlfriend has issues but you can't really control her behaviour and she isn't likely to change anytime soon .

[Scoe141]

Well, you have to understand that my "ex" and I dated for about a year and remained friends afterwards. When my g/f found out I was still in contact with her, she was not happy about it and insisted I stop communicating with her. So I did.

 

Then, I saw her on the road, havent seen her in a year and wanted to catch up. The first time I saw her was for 15 minutes or so. We really didnt have much time to talk, so I saw her again. When I saw her, there was no attraction, no feelings, nothing. Just a friendship is all I saw.

 

Yes, I know what I did was dishonest and wrong, and I would never ever make excuses for my actions. I did tell my ex, that if I had been "allowed" to be friends with her, then this would have never happened... which certainly does not rationalize it.

 

I loved my friendship with my ex, but it certainly isn't worth the stress or discomfort it causes my g/f.