Thoughts.. opinions... etc..?

[tetur]

I just came accross this forum while I was searching for stories of people who had someone tell them they had no feelings for them and never would but later ended up together as a couple. I guess you could say I am searching for hope where there probably is none.

 

Anyway, I thought I would share my story here and maybe get some of your thoughts, impartial thoughts, on what's going on. Obviously my friends just think I'm nuts and every decision I've made has been wrong.

 

My story:

 

I had resolved that I was simply destined to spend my life alone. Plus I was no longer willing to settle and didn't think my ideal even existed. Then last November the most unexpected person popped into my life. He lived 6 hours away but business had allowed us to cross paths on occasion. Still he was never even a blip on my radar until he hinted at us doing something the week he was in town on a business trip. We went to a movie and I had a really good time. From that night on we emailed, texted and talked on IM all day and then would talk half the night on the phone. After 2 weeks we decided we would be exclusive. A month later he moved to the same city as me. (not for me. This was already in the works before anything had happened between us – but made it easier for us to decided we'd date each other) I was happier than I can ever remember being. We spent all of our time together and he took me back home to meet his family for the holidays. I quickly discovered he was my ideal. This guy I never thought existed did and he wanted to be with me!

 

Then came mid January. He was less than a year divorced and even though things had been great between us he was still struggling to get over it. (And before you say 'rebound', I was the 3rd girl he'd dated since the divorce so I don't think that was the case.) So at my friend's advice (not because I wanted to really) I told him I thought we should stop dating so he wouldn't have that pressure on him while he was still dealing with all of the stuff with the divorce. We were both really sad about it but he didn't fight it and a couple of days later even agreed that maybe it was the right thing and that we would try again once he was really ready to date someone. To this day I regret doing that. I just allowed my friends to convince me that it was the right thing to do even though I wanted to stick it out and work through things with him.

 

For the next month, nothing changed between us except for the physical aspect of our relationship. We were still constantly together even occasionally spending the night together (sleeping and cuddling) But at the end of February he had dinner with another girl. This caused a huge fight. I wanted to know what happened to us dating when he was ready to date. He said he still wasn't ready to date anyone, that it had just been dinner with a friend and that there was still hope we'd get back together one day. I had no reason to not believe him - except that for my past BFs always lying to me. In the end I just couldn't deal with it and basically told him I wanted him out of my life. Period.

 

We had NC for a week but after a lot of prayer I decided to call him. We agreed that if nothing else our friendship was worth saving. So we laid out a few guidelines on how things had to change in order for that to work.

 

About a week later I stayed over at his place and in the middle of the night. There was some physical contact initiated by him (not part of the guidelines). This happened again a few nights later. The following week he moved into my spare bedroom (long story and this is already long enough) He let me sleep in his bed with him - but nothing more physical happened until last week when we went way beyond any physical boundry we'd gone beyond before. (I should add here that, while he is a guy, this is not typical for him.) I even told him at one point that if didn't want me in the same bed with him to let me know and I'd go to my own. He said no it was ok. Things definitely seemed mutual. And there were other little things that seemed very coupley between us.

 

This past weekend however he went on a date with someone. I knew it was happening even though he didn't tell me straight out. I had mixed feelings on it but thought maybe he was just trying to make new friends or just confused about his feelings and such.

 

I had gone out with friends that night myself and while I was out he called to tell me he had gone on a date and that she wanted to go back and watch a movie and he wanted to know if that was ok. Needless to say I was shocked I told him to do what he felt the RIGHT thing to do was and we needed to talk. His response "ok, I'll pick a short movie so she'll be gone by the time you get home" That was not the response I expected!

 

I was so upset! I couldn't continue with my plans so I texted him and told him I was on my way home and to please make sure she was not there when I arrived.

 

When I got home we had a loooong talk that resulted in him telling me that he had no romantic feelings for me anymore and that it was a safe assumption that he never would have those feelings for me again. He said the 2 times we had messed around at his place has been his way of trying to see if "it" was still there between us and it wasn't. And that he wasn't sure why things happened the way they did last week. He said the things like sleeping in the same bed he'd done because he thought it would make me happy. He also said part of the demise of his feeling was because of level of closeness we had achieved and that there was no longer a chase.

 

Through all of this our friendship has remained strong. We oddly enough have been able to separate the 2 for the most part. We still see each other (we're still in the same house for a few more weeks). We are still hanging out and are making plans to do so in the future. He still pays for everything when we go out and he's told me I am important to him. etc…

 

So I don't get it. I don't understand how things could be so great in the beginning (even he has said that they were great) and how we can be so close now, how can I be so important to him still but for ALL of those feeling to be gone? Not even a miniscule amount left?

 

I know you guys don't have answers but I would like to know what you think.

 

Do you think it's possible he could feel that way towards me again?

 

Maybe if we were apart for a while and he realized he missed me? (He's going on a business trip for a month and a half we might see each other 4-6 days during that time but mostly we'll be apart. )

 

Do you think he might realize one day it's not all about the chase and that maybe there is something to be said about the life we are sharing with each other?

 

I am trying to move on and move forward. It's just not easy.

 

Also, I know it will be easy for everyone to say based on the things I've said here he's not worth it and his actions as of late I should just cut him out of my life But it's always more complicated than that.

 

Sorry this is so long, but if you've read this far - thanks for your time!

[Zeitgeist]

Do you think it's possible he could feel that way towards me again?

Yes. Happens ALL he time (see the "Getting Back Together" forum). That said, you shouldn't pin your hopes on it, because ironically (and cruelly), that's precisely what keeps them away.

 

Maybe if we were apart for a while and he realized he missed me? (He's going on a business trip for a month and a half we might see each other 4-6 days during that time but mostly we'll be apart. )

Try going NC during the ENTIRE time.

 

Do you think he might realize one day it's not all about the chase and that maybe there is something to be said about the life we are sharing with each other?

Possibly. But then again, do you know the reasons why he got divorced?

 

Also, I know it will be easy for everyone to say based on the things I've said here he's not worth it and his actions as of late I should just cut him out of my life But it's always more complicated than that.

I don't think you should necessarily "cut him out", but I do think you need to give him a lot of space. The fact that you're living together may be aggravating the situation. Don't contact him when you finally are able to put a little space between you. I think the problem here is pretty classic. The two of you moved pretty quickly. Real intimacy takes time and you have to grow into it, but you're story sounds like you both went a little too intensely into it and basically tried to force the intimacy. Especially for him having gotten out of a divorce, becoming intimate with someone else may be confusing and perhaps is giving him a bit of guilt even if he's technically completely over his ex-wife.

 

Give him some time. If it was meant to be, he'll come back to you.

[tetur]

Thanks for the response.

 

I'm really trying to not pin my hopes on it, and while it may not be the best thing, it would make me feel a tiny bit better if I knew there was at least that miniscule amount of hope.

 

NC during the entire time won't be possible. Because of the business relationship we have, and through which we met, I will have to have at least some contact with him.

 

As for why he got divorced... His wife filed for divorce and it was a total shock to him. He never saw it coming. He wanted to give her everything so he worked long hours and sacrificed a lot of the things he wanted but she just wasn't happy. He wanted to go through counseling when they divorced but she refused. I've heard this from a few people that knew them both so it's not just coming from him.

 

I don't know...

I know I should probably let it go but I just can't seem to.

Not yet.

 

*sigh*

 

Thanks again for your reply.

[pumpkinmoon]

"He wanted to give her everything so he worked long hours and sacrificed a lot of the things he wanted but she just wasn't happy"

 

Why can't the ones who would deserve and be happy with it find guys like this?

[EyesOnThePrize]

"He wanted to give her everything so he worked long hours and sacrificed a lot of the things he wanted but she just wasn't happy"

 

Why can't the ones who would deserve and be happy with it find guys like this?

 

She may not have wanted that. I have found a lot of insights in "The Five Love Languages" and realized that spending time away from my ex for material things was important to me more than it was to her. She wanted the time with me more than she wanted the extra things. I was blind to this.

[pumpkinmoon]

She may not have wanted that. I have found a lot of insights in "The Five Love Languages" and realized that spending time away from my ex for material things was important to me more than it was to her. She wanted the time with me more than she wanted the extra things. I was blind to this.

 

I didn't mean material things as such, just someone who tries to make their partner happy Have you noticed there are more men using this site than women or is it just my imagination?

[tetur]

She wanted it all. She wanted the extravagant life but didn't want to make the sacrifices it would take for them to have it - including giving up some of the time with him in order to get the material things she wanted.

 

Anyway... I suspect a bit of a fight coming up with him today. I asked him to do something with me a month ago and he said ok. He forgot and made other plans (I think a 2nd date with the girl went out with last weekend). When I reminded him of our plans he said he wanted to do the thing with me but he wasn't sure he could rearrange what he already had in place. If he bails on me it is not going to go over well. After all.. he already had this in place before he made plans with her! I'm getting angry just thinking about it and I don't even know what he's going to decide yet.

[Daria_Lane]

"He wanted to give her everything so he worked long hours and sacrificed a lot of the things he wanted but she just wasn't happy"

 

Why can't the ones who would deserve and be happy with it find guys like this?

 

 

sounds like a bloody lie to me

 

It's an obvious code for

 

He was a workaholic, the wife got depressed cos she was being ignored all the time and they separated.

 

Juwst look at the way he even treated you with the dates here and there, probably did the same to her. Give the guy his space. when he sees you wont contsnatly be hanging around on his every word, maybe he'll wise up.

[gee]

I have found a lot of insights in "The Five Love Languages" and realized that spending time away from my ex for material things was important to me more than it was to her. She wanted the time with me more than she wanted the extra things. I was blind to this.

 

 

Great book!