7 Months & feeling completely paralyzed

[lostwithouthim]

It's been almost 7 months since my significant other/life partner was killed and although I just got back from a couple of pretty good weeks on a tropical island, I'm back where I was before I left. It's after noon and I'm still in bed. I'm not able to go to sleep at night (again)...finally falling asleep at 3 or 4am. People tell me to take sleeping pills, but I seem to only get up from my computer or the tv to use the bathroom (and occasionally to eat). My business is suffering a great deal, my 'day job' is also suffering and I'm beginning to get worried that I won't be able to pull it all off.

 

People don't call anymore and no one stops by to see how I'm doing. There was so much support when I was still recovering physically from my own injuries, where is it now? Today is the final hearing for the criminal case against the drunk driver--this will determine whether or not there is a plea deal or a trial. I have no desire to move forward. Spring is coming and all the 'spring cleaning' that would normally have been done by both of us will only be done by me now. I still haven't even removed his things from the medicine cabinet or his clothes/shoes from the drawers and closets--it's too comforting to see it all there (where it SHOULD be). Is this helping or hurting me at this point? I feel like I'm back where I was months ago...if I shower I don't do it until 3 or 4pm, I can't get myself out of bed, I'm eating one meal a day--sometimes two. Through all of this I still haven't learned how to ask for help. People ask me what they can do and in that moment my honest response is "I don't know". What do I do?

 

LWH

[sweeteyez]

Hi Lost,

I feel you. I lost my partner 4 yrs ago in September. I know annoying this will sound but one day at a time. I sometimes still get stuck in the moment where i cant breath,sometimes it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps backwards. You will put things away in your own time, unless it hurts you to see everything then there is no harm in leaving it. Im a few years ahead of you, do i still have things around the house? no, but i have pictures and stuff i still havent washed his last pillow case, and take it out of its protective seal to smell it.

I think these things will surrond you forever with or without them all around you.

 

He would want you to be ok though remember that, however hard it is, you will feel ok one day again, no never the same as when he was here, but you will be able to make it one day without crying, getting up and living a "normal" day. It comes, you just need to embrace it.

 

I dont know what to say or even if i helped, im here to listen to you.

[summerpeach]

My neighbor/friend lost her husband to anal cancer last yr.

And this poor woman is disabled and relied on her hubby to do everything. She can't even leave the house.

It was one yr last Jan and she told me she's dong better. It took her one full yrs to just be ok.

But you also have the burden of reliving this in court.

My advice, fake it til you make it. Get up and do the motions. Your love would not want you to be in this place of deep sadness.

 

I can't even image the pain of losing someone you love, My heart goes out to you

[arwen]

Hey lost,

 

First of all, I think it was very good for you to take a couple of weeks off to spend somewhere else. You just lost your partner, and it will take time to get your life back on track. Is it possible at all to live on the money of either the business or the day job? Two jobs seems very heavy also for people who don't have your circumstances.

 

I don't know what I can do to help you, but like the others on the thread I am here to listen.

 

Arwen

[lostwithouthim]

Thank you for your support and words of encouragement. It does help for some reason to hear others stories and words of advice. To address some of the questions/suggestions...

 

I am actually seeing counseling and I'm also on anti-depressants (I'm thinking I might need to 'up' one or both of them).

 

For weeks, if not months, immediately following my partner's death I thought all of his/our clothes had been washed while I was in the hospital. The neighbor was very well intentioned, but I had been crushed thinking everything he'd worn had been washed. I came accross a bunch of dress shirts he had set aside for the dry cleaners and have set them aside. For the time being his things do give me comfort in a very small way. His pictures are everywhere, but when I look at them closely/linger on them I begin to feel such a deep sadness. I just can't believe he's gone.

 

Re: my 'day job' and my 'business'--the day job could allow me to live comfortably, while the business is fairly new and is almost paying for itself. I've thought of closing the business, but we built it together and sacrificed so much to do so. Even though it was my idea/my dream, he was behind me 150%--I simply can't close it--it just wouldn't be right at this stage. I did find out today that the local college is giving me an intern for the summer, that will help tremendously! In addition, several people have informed me in the last 24 hrs that they will do whatever they can to help out (with the house or the business) in any way they can.

 

I've had some glimmers of hope today and for that I'm grateful. I also know now that anytime I have some 'good' days eventually they are followed by some very rough ones at which time I feel I've taken 10 steps back. I'm not a negative person under 'normal' circumstances and am desperately trying to maintain a 'positive' outlook, but the sadness is so thick and all consuming some days that nothing in the world seems to matter.

 

A friend stopped by tonight while I was making dinner and spent 30 mins sharing his career problems with me and wondering when things would turn around for him. I made a point to remind him that I was standing there cutting onions in front of him and if I could get out of bed, shower and make my own meal then his world would surely get better if he wanted it to.

 

Thanks again for all your thoughts/support.

 

LWH