Need to vent and get this out...

[lilypadgirl]

You were not who I thought you were

 

You're not the guy I fell in love with. In fact you never existed. A figment of my imagination, of my wishful thinking, of my frustrated pinings.

You didn't know what a real relationship is, what true commitment means. You don't know yourself. You spoke honeyed words to me and I was fooled. You made me feel like I was floating on bubbles only to burst them out from under me. The maximum ways you can do to cause me pain you did them.

 

-You accused me of never using the word "love" with you only to tell me that you realized you never loved me.

-You told me that you thought I was the one, only to realize that I wasn't. You told me you once thought you were the luckiest guy to be with someone so amazing like me. You thought it was your destiny to meet me here in this place at this time when we were previously half a world apart. Why did you have to say all that to me when we were breaking up?

-You said to me that communication was a sacrifice you made for the relationship. You didn't understand that communication isn't a sacrifice...it's a foundation of a relationship.

-You claimed to want intimacy and closeness in a relationship and accused me of not wanting those things. Yet, I was always the one to try to initiate a conversation, serious or silly, and you always backed off and said that it wasn't your personality. I tried to seduce you, tempt you, be cute with you physically, yet you pulled away. But when I got quiet and hurt, you'd tease and touch me. Why did you play hot and cold with me?

-I dressed up for you but you never complimented me. When I asked you what you thought of my style, you accused jealously, "who are you trying to impress".

-Whenever I got compliments from random guys and they joked nicely how lucky you were to be with me, instead of taking it in stride and being proud, you got mad.

-Whenever I went to the gym, you got nervous and kept trying to convince me not to. What were you afraid of?

-You didn't kiss me for six months and weren't intimate with me for 1.5 years. You made me initiate everything. Conversations, sex, sleeping over, etc.

-In 1.5 years, I never slept over once in your apartment and only been in your bedroom a total of five times. I can count all that on one hand!

-You wouldn't tell me your birthday. Whenever you traveled, you wouldn't let me pick you up from the airport. Although it's sweet, you almost never let me pay.

-When I asked why you didn't want to get back together, you said you were sure you didn't want to. I asked how can you be sure and you said "some things you don't have to try to be sure...just like if I stabbed you in the heart, I know you'd die." How could you say something like that to me?

-You accused me of not consulting you on things when I asked for your opinion, feelings, and thoughts every step of the way. Yet you made the decision to break up just like that without warning or discussion.

-You deceived me. You said you loved me and took it back. You said you wanted to be friends and took it back. You said I was closer to you than anyone in your life other than your parents, yet you weren't even willing to try. After the break up, you said that you have wanted to reach out to me, but I always beat you to it, but after months and months of no initiation from me, you've never reached out to me or shown me you cared.

-You always play hot and cold with me. Whenever I move on a little and find some peace, you act all hurt and sad. Whenever I try to reach out to you, you'd run and turn cold. Stop torturing me.

-I had a headache one day and asked you to order a pizza. You refused!

-We played Risk together with another couple and you attacked my troups when it wasn't even your mission. Can you guess why the other couple won? They cooperated with each other. You were only out to win for yourself.

-You never let me help you or watch you in the kitchen. You said performance anxiety. Even after 1.5 years?

-You said you didn't believe in luck and that people with bad outcomes are because they made bad choices in life. How can you be so emotionless and unable to understand that bad things happen to good people and vice versa? Do you always need to be in control?

-Your office is always so perfectly neat and organized. Do you always have to be in control?

-We had sex and I asked you what it meant to you. You gave me some BS safe answer "uhh...I believe sex is more difficult for the women because of possible pregancy". * * * ? I wanted to know if you had any emotional feelings about us. Do you always have to say the safe thing?

-We broke up and I poured out my heart to you, angry and loving. Yet always you just say the safe things and things like "you can always vent to me". Yes, I was venting, but more importantly I was trying to connect. Do you always see emotional conversations as venting instead of connecting? Yet you accuse me of not wanting closeness and intimacy? The one time you said something real to me cuz I forced it out of you, you apologized for it! Yet that was the one time I felt like I was finally getting somewhere with you. Do you always need to be in control? To be so paranoid and cautious? To be perfect?

-After breaking up, you didn't show you cared at all. You were cold and uncommunicative. You saw me in pain, but not once did you reach out to me even a little. Not once did you show concern and ask how I'm doing. Even though we have to see each other everyday in the office.

 

I felt like a statue you put on a pedestal. Only for admiring and possessing and throwing money and food at, not for loving. When you realized I was real and imperfect...you dropped me.

 

Yet I still love you...why why WHY?