TAB1234 Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Finding out (via facebook) your ex is seeing someone else. (Actually finding out via any method). Doesnt it make you want them even more or does it make you draw a line under it?? I'm scared that i might make a last-ditch attempt (haven't really made any attempts) to tell her how i feel via a card (even tho there's been NC for 6 months). I know that's prob wrong in the short-term but at least i can say to myself at least she knows how i feel and then say to myself i did everything i could. I know its wrong but that thought is eating away at me Link to comment
Dako Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 When your ex finds someone else, it shows how your healing has progressed. In your case, you need more time, and no contact. Link to comment
TAB1234 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Share Posted February 9, 2008 it hurt like hell when i found out Just never told her that i cared for her and thats whats been eating away at me for months Link to comment
ourtrees Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 it hurt like hell when i found out Just never told her that i cared for her and thats whats been eating away at me for months I can relate to that. I'm fighting the urge to tell my ex that I do love him. Not to get back with him or anything, just because I feel terrible that he never knew. He told me he loved me once (apparently his feelings changed...?) and I never said it back. I hate that I never told him how much I cared. It really sucks though. The worst part about Facebook is, unless you unfriend them or something, relationship statuses are gonna show up on your news feed. Link to comment
TAB1234 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Share Posted February 9, 2008 I can relate to that. I'm fighting the urge to tell my ex that I do love him. Not to get back with him or anything, just because I feel terrible that he never knew. He told me he loved me once (apparently his feelings changed...?) and I never said it back. I hate that I never told him how much I cared. It really sucks though. The worst part about Facebook is, unless you unfriend them or something, relationship statuses are gonna show up on your news feed. How long has it been since you split up? Why did you split up if you dont mind me asking? Link to comment
lenni Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 aaaah facebook!! i feel for you as i had a similar experience recently. my ex's status does not indicate whether he is in a relationship or not, but there is a pic up of him with a woman and they really look like a couple the way they are pressed up against each other in the photo. it's hard to say for certain as i also would hug/put my arm around a friend for a photo, but this really looks different. and i still love him, but he moved away i totally understand the "unfinished business" thing. he and i are still "friends" yet we don't talk about what is going on in our love lives, which to me indicates something odd - since i would absolutely talk about this with any other friend. so, tab1234, why/how did you break up? was it you who decided, her, mutual? was it amicable? you say you never made any attempts to to let her know that you still have feelings for her. i'm sure others will disagree, but you might need the closure of knowing that she knows how you feel. Link to comment
ourtrees Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 How long has it been since you split up? Why did you split up if you dont mind me asking? It'll be four weeks since he broke up with me on the 13th. He broke up because he said he "liked me, but he didn't like me, like me" (yes, those were his exact words. I guess he "forgot" he ever said he loved me). It really sucks, as he was my first serious boyfriend, or the first I was willing to take the chance to commit to. Plus, it was one of those "out of nowhere" break ups. Literally one day we were perfect and happy and the next day he's telling me the relationship is "worthless." Link to comment
TAB1234 Posted February 10, 2008 Author Share Posted February 10, 2008 It was v.sudden lenni we just had one argument -she thought i was dissing her mum/family (i wasn't) but we just got into an argument which spiralled out of control. She then proceeded to sulk for a week and did not want to talk to me. I threw a hissy fit and sent her a text saying even tho it hurts its over, 'cos there was no communication on her part. understandably she was angry. 24 hrs later when i calmed down i thought i better ring her and say the text was sent in the heat of the moment, she started shouting and put the phone down which i thought i deserved. I texted sorry and stuff over the next few days and when i rang again a few days later, she went really aggressive and shouted me down and said that i said a lot of hurtful things in our initial argument and was ranting and raving and put the phone down on me without saying anything and that was that!! That was 6 months ago and i haven't called her since. i have emailed apologising for any hurt i caused but i never told her that i cared for her etc... Reading the above does make me think why should i contact her after she's the one who hung up on me etc..( i would never do that to anyone) -i've never even shouted at her but then why 6 months later does my heart actually physically hurt so bad???? Link to comment
pryda Posted February 10, 2008 Share Posted February 10, 2008 I found this out about my ex in exactly the same way, and I'd say overall it had a positive effect on my healing. There was obviously a lot of pain initially, simply at the thought of her being with someone else, but it lasted a day at most. It has helped me for the following reasons: - It signals that we are truly finished, so there's no further need to devise stupid get-her-back strategies and waste time stressing over her Facebook activity. - The temptation to break NC has completely vanished. While she was single there was always that worry that I was doing the wrong thing and maybe I should get in touch with her to "show her I care" or whatever. But now, the thought of texting her at a time where she could be lying in bed with this new guy repels me from doing it more than anything else ever could. The "weak ex" is not an image of myself I have any interest in conveying to anybody. - The fact she's gone into another relationship so quickly makes me very sceptical that it will last anyway; and it makes me proud of myself to think that I am actually tackling my problems head-on instead of simply using the distraction of another person to temporarily push them aside. By acting in this way she is NOT taking the time to reflect on why our relationship failed and is not taking the time to identify her issues and work on them, so in the long run I will have benefitted far more from the break-up. - I know a bit about this new guy and he's absolutely nothing like me. So it gives me closure, in a strange sort of way. If it works out with him, it would never have worked out with me anyway and thereforeeee I've totally dodged a bullet with this break-up. And if it doesn't work out, then I guess I was the better man. I really can't lose! - In a way, it has motivated me to get out there and meet people. If SHE can find someone else so soon who is apparently so compatible with her, then it means one of two things: either she's just immature and doesn't KNOW what's right for her (in which case I should be glad not to be with her anymore); or, I can find someone else compatible for me, too! Again, it's a win-win dichotomy. I hope some of that can help you all put your ex's new relationship into a positive light. Link to comment
AngryHeart Posted February 10, 2008 Share Posted February 10, 2008 I know the pain, and I'm sorry. Last night I got told by his friends [without me even asking] that he is infact still single, so either he hasn't told them [which is unlikely], or he's been lying to me. But I know the pain of thinking about them with someone else. Pryda makes some really good points, BTW Hang in there mate. Link to comment
TAB1234 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Share Posted February 17, 2008 I never realised the pain one felt when one found out an ex is dating someone else. I actually feel like a physical pain in my heart. Can someone please explain it? Link to comment
nic2463 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 I never realised the pain one felt when one found out an ex is dating someone else. I actually feel like a physical pain in my heart. Can someone please explain it? Nope its just agony,you cant do nothing as shes emotionaly attached to new guy.Mine jumped into to bed just a few days after we last slept together,its not unusual speeking to people who have had the same thing happen. Link to comment
Addicus Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 I am suree that it is very painful to find out your ex is in a relationship with someone else. That is why I am committed to NC and staying clear of any and all method of finding information out about my ex. That is why I do not want to be friends...why would I want to be around a person moving forward with their life, which means dating etc. It takes time to get to a place where you can be OK with the ex in a relationship. I care deeply about my ex, don't get me wrong, and I hope she finds the person that she will be really happy with....I just don't need to put myself through that. Link to comment
TAB1234 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Share Posted February 17, 2008 so does this pain mean that we genuinely still love our ex's or can it be construed as something else? Link to comment
Addicus Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 The pain can come from many different places....the pain is usually associated with loss, grieving. We grieve when we lose something. We have lost a person that was part of our life, our dreams our fantasies. Those things are no longer possible if the other person can no longer be a part of all that. So, pain is a natural part of loss...for me I never relate the amount of pain to the other person, more pain does not mean that i loved them more and less pain does not mean that I loved them any less. For me I think the pain indicates something missing or going on in my life. Why is losing this person SO painful. What did this person bring to my life and why can't I create that for myself? A loving relationship is two whole people, who share their lives, they do not complete the other person. Link to comment
lonely83 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 it hurts like you wouldn't believe - especially when she's dating someone else within a week of telling you she wasn't scared of commitment to you and wanted to work things out. lonely83 Link to comment
sara1 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Sometimes it's just as painful not knowing if he's with someone else, moved away, or happier with his life. Him not reaching out now for any contact, means that he didn't think that I was the one. That alone is very painful. Link to comment
Addicus Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Sometimes it's just as painful not knowing if he's with someone else, moved away, or happier with his life. Him not reaching out now for any contact, means that he didn't think that I was the one. That alone is very painful. Sara...do we relly know that? It may well be true, it may welll be not true. People ae good at thinking they know exactly what is going on. Sometimes there are common behaviours that would lead to us thinking correctly..but sometimes we really don't know. We want to know, sometimes it is not good for us to know because it continues the cycle of pain. From the last email exchange I had with my ex she wants to be friends..that's it..no more, no less. That ws wo weeks ago...I have no clue if that holds true or not, no idea if she wants more now after NC or less. It is painful, but when I left thoughts get away from me and I have no really basis of knowing if they are trueor not I counter it with a "SO WHAT". So what if they are dating, so what if hey don't want to talk to me, If all these ar true I am going to be fine. Link to comment
sara1 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 I can't really say that knowing the ex has moved on with a happier life (with or without another) or not knowing is easier. I was just commenting that not knowing kind of toys with your minds and makes you overanlayze everything or perhaps that's just my personality and not the situation. ha. If I had to witness the ex parading around with a new girl in front of me that would be harder, no doubt. Anyway, I think you are at the ideal state of mind of not caring if the ex has moved and to what degree. My goal is to reach this state consistently. I'd like to say i'm about one week away! Link to comment
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