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So this is what heartbroken feels like

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After dating for a year and a half, I broke up with my GF six months ago. It was the longest relationship of my life and was mostly good times, we shared common interests and did everything together. the only problem was we used to fight terribly over the most trivial things so I finally broke it off. Not surprisingly this hurt her quite a bit.


After about a month I began to see other people, felt better about it and thought I had moved on. She too began to see other people, and I realized I was in no way over this girl. So i broke NC and began to hang out with my ex (now friend). Eventually this turned into us going on "dates" about 1-3 times a week where we'd do the typical stuff. It was almost as if we were back together, we'd snuggle, kiss, and sometimes spend the night with each other, but never had sex. Things were good, we didn't fight.


Two nights ago we were at my place and ended up having a serious talk about our relationship. I told her I missed her and the thought of her with another guy tears me up inside. I told her I loved her and wanted her back, I said we could make this work, and not fight like we used too. I laid my soul bare and awaited her judgment. She told me that she loved me too but that she didn't want to get back together because I had hurt her so bad when I dumped her and she didn't want to go through that again and that I had "learned my lesson". She said she really enjoyed the last few months and didn't want to lose our "dates".


At this point we're both in tears. She kissed me and said that she needed to get to sleep and asked if I wanted to stay over at her place. I accepted, and the next morning she drove me to work, she kissed me before I got out of the car.


now for the kicker


That evening (last night) we were both at a birthday party for a mutual friend and she totally ignored me! She was all over this other guy who was drunkenly all over her. It completely ruined my night, seeing as how she had kissed me 12 hours earlier and told me she loved me the night before. It looked like they were obviously going to hook up, so I left, knowing that I couldn't handle seeing them leave together.


I don't know how their night ended, but i cried myself asleep. I feel heartbroken and confused. I guess I really "learned my lesson" and now feel how she felt when I dumped her.


I'm thinking of Emailing her telling her how I feel, but I'm not sure.


if anybody has any advice, or some words to cheer me us, that would be great, this forum has always been helpful the past.


Thanks, Gravity

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I think that you already told her how you felt, so an Email wouldn't really accomplish anything. It's true that she doesn't owe you anything at this point, because you were the one who dumped her, so she is free to do what she wants. However, it is still hurtful that she was all over this guy in front of you. Maybe part of her just wants some type of revenge, to make you feel as bad as you hurt her? Who knows.


I think for your own sake, you need to move on right now. It will be way too heartbreaking for you to still be there while she is single. You probably need to stop the dates, those will just keep you stringing along, hoping for more. I'm sorry.

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It's time for no contact, whether you want this relationship or not, that is the best option IMHO.


In my breakup, I kind of played the role of your GF and I gotta agree with what she said. I also wouldn't want to get back together because of the hurt and mistrust I now associate with my Ex. Remember that going through the breakup changes, sometimes completely, your Ex's perceptions of who you are as a person. They may have trusted you completely, thought that you would always want to be with them, only to have those beliefs shattered.


I'm not the kind of person who always advocates NC like it's the solution to everything (that sometimes is the perception here), but in this case, I think it's necessary for you to begin healing.

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I think the fundamental issue here is trust.When you ended the relationship you obviously hurt her a lot.Now she cannot trust you,that you will not do it again in the future.You chose to walk away rather than try to fix the problems that you both had.Have you learnt from the breakup? What would make you think that if you get back together all the rowing will not resurface?


She sounds like she is terrified that if she got back with you,that further down the road you will do it again.Once bitten,twice shy I'm afraid.

All you can do is let her know that you made a huge mistake letting her go and if she ever finds it in her heart to give you another chance,then you will handle it more maturely.Also give her space.If you are around every time she turns her head you will end up annoying her.


Being friends with an ex you still love just creates more hurt and pain.Respect her and let her decide what she wants,and respect her decision.Who knows,in time she may want you back,but don't be there waiting for her.Leave her be and work on yourself in the meantime.

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I'll tell ya what you're going to do here...


You're going to get on "eNotAlone", read everyone's input, consider it for about five minutes before you start to feel those weird feelings you get inside your stomach and chest, then you'll sit around for a few hours and mull over "you and her" all while grinding your teeth about how much you love her and how sad you feel about what you saw the night prior. After you do this as well as exhaust the emotional resources you have left in your direct proximity (family / friends), you'll probably decide to see if she's online or if she's updated her MySpace page... Then, that's when even MORE emotional associations will coalesce into co-dependent affiliations relating to people, places, and even songs that you two experienced together. You may or may not begin to start crying, but you will undoubtedly cry when you receive a response back from your game-playing, immature co-dependent "ex" when she tells you once AGAIN, that she's still "hurt" and that she's "trying to move on" or whatever other BS excuse she rattles off to ya while she's pre-occupied with her new flavor-of-the-week finishing her response to your email with the question "Wanna hang out Friday night and talk about it?".


In other words, move on. You BOTH are playing mind games in a way, because when you originally broke it off with her, you should've stuck to your guns about it, but now, it's turning into a spiteful game where she tries to one-up ya and make you feel as bad as she did when you broke it off with her for good reasons (so now she's apparently winning). But she's only winning, if YOU LET HER WIN AND SINK TO THE LEVEL TO WHERE SHE'S PLAYING THIS "GAME".


It sounds like you were in the right for leaving her initially, but when you saw her with someone else, something "sparked", and you didn't feel like you were either ahead of the game, or else, you lost hope or SOMETHING... Either way, move on bud. You'll be okay. Whether you're right or she's right, IT IS SO OBVIOUS that it's time to move on.


Keep in mind, I too struggle with crap like this, so don't think I'm some booger who's throwing a rock at my own glass house. I've been in your shoes, and in some ways, still am in your shoes. It's just that I'm now standing on the outside looking in, and if you can find anyway to do it, move on, because I know for a fact that you'll be better off. Regardless, hang in there. Things will get better somehow. She'll end up screwing her recent fling up like she did with you guys, and she'll make a 360 back to square one. She'll probably go through this until she's 40 and finally realizes that she's got some things to work out, but by then, she may be going through menopause, so it won't matter.


Am I sexist? No. I guess I'm just bitter from my last relationship! :sad:

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