Looking for a ray of hope. Get-back-together stories???

[JustaFool]

Does anyone have any stories about getting back together with their ex? I'm just looking for a ray of hope for my own situation. Please let me know what strategy you used as well as what worked and what didn't.

[Gilgamesh]

I have heard/seen a few people get back together, and out of those few, even fewer stay together. but it can happen.

 

Of course some people win the lotto jackpot also.

 

usually the couples that have been successful in getting back together, were couples that separated under mutual agreement (rare) and under circumstances beyond there control (distance, family, job etc.)

 

The main stumbling with people getting back together and making it work is "trust", because when a couple is together the first time, they trust each other with their hearts, they are with them because they believe the other person loves them and would never hurt them.

 

When someone dumps another, its very hurtful, and although the pain goes away if they get together, its only temporary solution, because that trust is not there like it was before. you may act the act, and walk the walk, but its just not the same as it was before.

 

The best chance for succeful re-unites from a painful breakup, is time. given enough time apart, the wounds heal, people change, feelings change, and if the breakup didnt get dirty afterwards then maybe youll have a chance.

 

this is why I suggest not making contact after a breakup, it helps prevent the closing of doors, and helps the person heal faster.

 

here is what is the strange thing though, that after all this time goes by, in most cases you will realize that the person you want so much to come back into your life now, is not who you want to be with then.

[atticus]

Gilgamesh is right, time.... give it time.

 

follow these steps, and you and your ex are likely to get back together at some point...

 

as i said, major thing for this is time.

just try to work something out with your ex, and become normal friends, ie. get along with each other.... if you don't already. build up from that.

you know?

All you gotta do is give it time, and BELIEVE in yourself, and BELIEVE in achieving your target... it works in most cases, trust me... same for me, i'm very close to reach my target, it took me about 5 months, me and my ex are best friends since our breakup, and i feel that we can give it another shot, and i think both of us feel for one another again...

 

just be outgoing, kind, and confident around your ex...

 

good luck!

[optimistic]

Hi Justafool..

 

It's rare for me to post twice in one day. If you can, look at the post I did 20 minutes ago giving some advice to a guy who is obviously going through what you are and what I did. I know your pain, believe me.

 

I was with my girl for 4 and a half years when she left me in the worst way possible, if you're interested you can read all of my posts from the beginning back in April this year.

 

Anyways, after being apart for 7 months I was just starting to feel good about myself again and had been dating like a pro for the last 2 months of the 7. It was my best summer on record ever. She contacted me and asked if we could meet up.

 

So after about 3 hours small talk and about 9 beers each she told me she had made the biggest mistake in her life leaving me. That she wanted me to be the father of her children and she believed we were soul mates and would I give her a second chance. You can imagine the emotion from both of us. We both broke down. I told her that I was seeing 6 girls at that point and that I would finish all of them for another chance.

 

So we have officially been back together for about 2 months now. I still have my own apartrment and so does she. We see each other most weekends and once or twice in the week. We are slowly becoming closer and closer together. It's now me with the problem to let her close, I think it's because she left me once and I know the hurt and pain that comes with it, I think in my heart she could do it again and that's what stops me letting her back so quickly. We both have spoken about it and know it's going to take a lot of time to get it back where it was.

 

If I am honest with you, I miss being single. I have told her that too. But when we are together, I know it is the right thing for us 2 to be together, I have never known a love like it.

 

As I said in my last post. "Be careful what you wish for" in that you are wishing to get back with your ex. I don't know the reasons you guys split up, but I can tell you that it is not the same when you do get back together. All the baggage and problems are still there from before tha need to be discussed and eventually compromised plus all the new problems of distrust, jealousy and what ever happened whilst you were apart... believe me its not easy.

 

BUT, when I look at this girl, wake up next to her to see her breathing, hold her hand and especially when we make love ,I know that we are both doing the right thing.... I can' tell you how much I love her.

 

We've just started to get back together, we both know things are different now, we both know it's going to take a lot of hard work to get it right for the second time. But, I think it is worth it.

 

As I said in my last post, I hope we stay together forever but no-one can guarantee that.

 

I hope my story is part of what you wanted to hear, but I wanted you to know that it is not all laughter and happiness right now. There is still lots of tears, learning to trust again and its all hard, hard work.

 

Stay positive and Peace!

 

optimistic

[cobro]

There is hope. At the beginning of the summer, my gf dumped me to go back to her ex, out of the blue. Caught me by complete surprise. So I had a hard time, then it got easier, I started to enjoy life again without her and became more confident and independent. We kept minimum contact during the summer months while she was dating her new guy. Then things started to go bad for her, and she broke up with him. I made the mistake of being there for her, and low and behold she used me as the rebound guy. She was able to convince me I wasn't just rebound, she wanted to marry me, have my kids, etc... So we got back together. That was 3 months ago, well 3 weeks ago she decided she didn't want to be with me, again. This time it was because she claimed I was having a hard time trusting her after what happened before. She gave me no reason to trust her this time around, she lied to me on occasions and still talked to her ex frequently, the guy she originally dumped me for. So all in all, I was just rebound material for her, to catch her while she was down. Now that she's used me, she's moved on and who knows, maybe she'll go back with her ex again. So there is hope, but be careful. If you do get back together, make sure it is for the right reasons, not because one of you is lonely and needs comforting from a familiar person. That is what I did and I got burned. Good luck.

[optimistic]

Hi all.. I know this post was started by Justafool.. But Cobra.. whoa ! I'm sorry to hear that !

 

All my closest friends have said to me that I'm dumb to get back with her after she did what she did and I've listened to all of what they have got to say. That she did it once and she could do it again. That the guy she was with dumped her... all of that.

 

I've discussed it with her. Infact this time round I am making a point of being brutally honest about exactly how I am feeling and why, something perhaps the relationship lacked the first time around. I am going this with a different kind of attitude. I've told her all my insecurities and the reasons why I am a different guy to the one that she left back in April. I need my space away from her right now. We previously lived together for 4 years, no way am I ready for that at the moment. I was going to ask her to marry me 2 weeks before we fell apart. I still want that too, but schedules have been moved into MY timeframe now.

 

I am however a romantic. I know how I've done stupid things in the past and would have given a right arm just to have a 2nd chance to make things good, and I believe the things she has said to me. She has given me no reason to think she is lying, infact she is being wonderful giving me space when I need it or being there for me when I want her. I'm no fool, we are at the beginning of mending something she broke, but she accepts most of the fault and is trying real hard to make ammends.

 

Like I said, I am a romantic fool and would like to believe that Love Conquers All, it's just going to take its time. We even going to see a relationship councellor in the coming weeks to discuss my hangups in this relationship (My suggestion, not hers).. But believe me, I look differently at her now knowing what she is (was) capable of doing.

 

Forgiving and Forgetting are two completely different things, believe me.

 

Peace guys. stay positive..

optimistic

[Gilgamesh]

Cobro

 

Thats terrible, its like she threw you out of a moving car, and when you think she is coming back to help, she kicks you in the gut. nice.

 

but in all honesty, can you say she really came back to you? it was just her body, not her heart.

 

Your outcome with her, is usually what happens under those circumstances, we want so much to believe that dream. we want it so hard, we think its real.

[optimistic]

Hey Gilgamesh... have you been where I am?

 

you seem to speak from experience and said nothing about my post..

 

Stay real all...

 

optimistic

[bdub]

I am sorry to hear of all your misencounters with your exs everybody. Here is the common thread that I see in all the cases of people getting back together and falling apart again. I only bring this up because I have thought a lot about what it would be like to get back together with my ex and what it would take to make it last the second time around.

 

First, we have to realize that people break up for reasons. There is always a reason for a change in the feelings of your partner, and it is critical to understand what it was that caused the divide the first time. People often think of a breakup or separation as a disease. They think "If only so and so would take me back, I'd work so much harder this time, and all things would work out." In actuality, the breakup is the symptom of a disease. You have to first understand the disease before you can treat the symptoms. Make sure that you openly and honestly discuss what it was that caused problems in the first place, and work on those problems. Make sure that during the break you have worked on what you think were the problems that you brought to the relationship, and make sure they have worked on thiers.

 

Second, don't rush back into a relationship because its comfortable. Keep in mind that feeling like "things are back to the way they used to be" might not be good. Remember, the way things used to be caused you a world of hurt between then and now. Don't block out the things you have learned during your separation. Take time to evaluate your feelings. Whatever they may be. Don't hide the emotions from your potential get- back-togetheree. It is vital that you both know how you each feel. There will be baggage, and it will need to be dealt with, not swept under the rug to cause problems again later down the road.

 

Third, trust. Next to love, trust is one of the vital elements in a working relationship. Trust has been broken, people have felt betrayed. That feeling of betrayal may seemingly disappear, but keep it in mind. It is there to protect you from being hurt again. It needs to be understood by both parties that trust isn't something that is just given, it has to be earned. For instance, in Cobro's situation (sorry for using you as an example, Cobro), his ex (X2) thought that she didn't need to earn his trust again, that she could just fall back on what she had before. Both people must understand that the trust is gone and has to be rebuilt, and it will be difficult. Not only is it like starting new, its like starting new with somebody who has caused you great pain in the past. Its going to take time. It also take a bit of risk on the part of the person who fells most hurt by the breakup. Sometimes it may seem impossible to trust somebody that has hurt you so bad, and maybe you don't want to trust them for good reason. But I have always felt if you take no risks, you will gain no reward. At some point, the betrayed party has to be willing to become vulnerable again.

 

Anyway, this is just my opinion after thinking long and hard about the process of rebuilding a relationship. I'm currently reading Getting Back Together by Bilicki and Goetz. So far it has broght things into perspective for me. I suggest anybody who is contemplating getting back together pick it up. Its a short, easy read.

 

Good luck and Best Wishes to all of you. Hang in there.

bdub

[akatoro]

Hey.

 

As much as I tried to avoid this subject it just pulled me in after all.

I felt I had no experience to share with you and thus just left it alone for your own best. But I read Optimistic's story and I came to think of a relationship that was patched up after a breakup. It was a relationship very close to me, namely.. My Parents! And they're still together and in love too =)

 

Wow, imagine if they had not gotten back together! I wouldn't be here wasting your time .

 

My point is: Anything can happen but whatever you choose to do, is ok. There's something good waiting for you not too far away.

[optimistic]

akatoro ... you breath lifevinto my wings...

 

can you imagine being a soul brother with some one, be it male of female and then not having that person in your life?

 

that's what i have with her. she makes me complete... even with the problems we have hade in the past, even with being apart for so long... she is my equal, i don't want anyone else, no one can fll the gap.......for everver...

 

things are just different now. i still want to be with her though..... that makes it worth fighting for.... i don't think anyone would dis agreee with me on that,,,

 

wish you well,,

 

peace!

optimistic

[cobro]

Cobro

 

Thats terrible, its like she threw you out of a moving car, and when you think she is coming back to help, she kicks you in the gut. nice.

 

So true, that is exactly how I feel. It's like it was a tease on her part, just to see if she could get me back, a conquest. I feel like it was a dream, my prayers were answered and she came back, then turned around and left again. Just like her parents did to her...I wonder if her upbringing played a part? She definitely was not the same girl this time around. After we got back together, her personality was coarse and uncaring, cold and selfish. I didn't notice it until it was too late for me, already opened up to her and slept with her (doh!). I think he (the ex) messed up her head. I think they had a very sexual based relationship, something I wasn't looking for. I'm surprised I don't hate her guts, maybe once my feelings for her go away I will see no need for ANY contact with her. Should I hate her?

[akatoro]

No, Cobro.

Don't hate her. You've loved her so much and she has gone through changes, in your case, seemingly for the "worst".

 

Love or let go. Inside of you, you will find the correct answer. I'm sure you don't want to hate anyone.

You might dislike someone and what they stand for. But Hate is a way too powerful word and it is scary that some people bear it towards others. I might hate a situation and I have surely said that I hate certain people. But I've never ment more than "dislike".

 

If you are on good grounds with her, perhaps you could just talk it out?

I believe that communication is a vital part in our life. Because if we could not communicate, would love exist?

Good luck, bud

[EmptySoul]

i don't know any success stories about getting back together, (it didn't work for me and boy did i try) but here's some advice:

in getting back together, TRUST is really important, even if/when it's hard to come by. also, try to make sure you're not doing anything you will regret in the near future, because the more mistakes two people have had to put behind them, the harder it is. (elephants and people are alike- they dont ever really forget, forgive, but not forget)

 

EmptySoul