Girlfriend upset that I don't want to go to her friends wedding.

[confused_guy84]

So I've been with my new gf for about 2 months now. She has a friend that's getting married in april and she wants me to be her date at the wedding. I told her I'd rather not because it would be awkward for me considering that I don't know them or anyone there besides my gf. She is kind of upset and said she'd ask one of her other friends instead because "they don't know anyone either but they wouldn't mind". I'm a pretty shy person, I hate large gatherings, clubs, bars, anything like that. She knows that, and I've been very clear with her from the beginning that I don't find those things very fun, they just make me really anxious. I'm not sure what to do? Should I just go even though it's going to be really awkward for me?

[annie24]

i wouldn't necessarily go either. first off, you two have been dating a very short while, it's really unclear if you will be together 3 months from now. many couples break up around the 3-4 month mark. next, it's kind of introducing you to all the family and friends as a 'serious couple', at least, that's my take on it. 3 years from now, people will still be asking her 'are you and that guy still together?'

 

at least, these are all my personal feelings. i don't think you are wrong for not wanting to go, first off, because you don't know these people (it's not like the couple getting married are your friends also), and second because it's pretty serious.

 

hope this helps.

[melrich]

Sometimes you have to put up with awkward situations. When you are in a relationship you will face this a lot...being invited to things where you don't know any people.

 

I think you should go.

[itsallgrand]

Well, because the relationship is so fresh and new yet, personally I don't think it is that big a deal for you to decline.

 

If this relationship (or any really) keeps going though, there will be times where you will need to weigh your awkwardness/not really wanting to go with how important it is to your partner.

 

Two months is real early tho for a shy guy to face all that!

[DN]

Sometimes you have to put up with awkward situations. When you are in a relationship you will face this a lot...being invited to things where you don't know any people.

 

I think you should go.

I agree with melrich. It will do you good to practice getting to know people and do the relationship good for her to know you will do this for her even though you don't really want to.

[annie24]

why does she necessarily need a date anyways? i tend to go to weddings alone, and mingle with people i do know. i've never been to a wedding where i know no one there besides the bride or groom.

[annie24]

does no one else see going to a wedding together at this stage as a 'big deal?'

[DN]

does no one else see going to a wedding together at this stage as a 'big deal?'

It's only a big deal if the people involved make it one. If they just treat it casually all will be well.

[Censored]

Oh yeah, the Super Mods and Mods are battling it out!!!!!!!

 

Woooooooooooo.

 

Oh, i understand how you feel about the wedding. I think she is excited to be with you and is simply dissappointed you won't do this for her.

 

However, as time does go on, you will need to do these things. BBQ's weddings, christening, Xmas's the whole box and dice.

[melrich]

does no one else see going to a wedding together at this stage as a 'big deal?'

 

Nup. I've been to lots of weddings with partners where I didn't even know the bride and groom....let alone anyone else who was going.

 

In fact I am going to one in Bali, Indonesia in August and I a have never even SEEN the bride and groom. People often get asked "and partner". Admittedly it is a bit different for me cos my relationship is much longer term.

[confused_guy84]

I agree with melrich. It will do you good to practice getting to know people and do the relationship good for her to know you will do this for her even though you don't really want to.

 

Well I've met a few of her friends and most of her family. It's just the situation that I don't like. Ive got mild social anxiety and large get together's are a nightmare for me. And she knows this, I've never kept that a secret. From the very beginning I made sure she knew. It just doesn't seem fair for her to get upset about this now.

 

And I agree with what annie is saying too, though I didn't even think about that.

[confused9]

i think i understand if my boyfriend didn't want to go to one of my friend's wedding if we had only been together for 2 months. i certainly wouldn't go with someone else. anyways, what if we're not together when the wedding actually takes place?

 

it sounds like she just wants a date. be careful. weddings shouldn't exist for a guest to show off a date.

 

but eventually, you're going to have to get past your shyness, suck it up, and have a good time.

[itsallgrand]

Before making your decision, think of it from her perspective.

 

Are her friends, all those people going to be asking "Where's your boyfriend? Do you have a boyfriend? Why isn't he here?" blah blah blah.

 

Once in a while having to say "He's busy" "He couldn't make it" blah blah blah won't bother most people.

 

It would be not so great if she starts having to answer to this a lot, and start saying "Well, you know, he is shy."

 

Going for you is only about getting over the shyness.

 

I think I'm starting to think it might be good if you go. For you, at the least.

[Dako]

Like grandy, I picked up on this being a chance for you to deal with your problem.

Are you partly looking to escape another socially painful event?

This is another chance to learn social skills.

[annie24]

yeah.... upon further thought, it might not be bad for you to go. if you are happy in this relationship and think it will last until april, at least, then go. i think she can possibly interpret your unwillingness to go as your lack of faith in the duration of the relationship (or at least, that is how my twisted mind might interpret it). may explain why she is upset.

 

from the aspect of getting over your social anxiety, this might be a good thing to do. because eventually, you'll be in a situation where you have to be at a big work function or something for your career, and you don't want to be freaking out. unfortunately, people don't interpret the quiet guy always as being shy. quiet/shy can also come accross snobbish and uninterested and disdainful, which are not good qualities to convey. the 'i don't want to hang out with you' attitude. even if it's because you are shy, people can read it as otherwise.

 

so, i think this wedding might be a good opportunity to practice talking with people you don't know so well, get to know them, etc.... all eyes will not be on you, trust me, they are on the bride, maybe the groom at times. so, it is a good time for you to practice talking with people so when a more important event happens for you (your boss invites you to a party), you can handle yourself.

 

so.... am changing my tune now.... go and enjoy it. if you two break up, she can find another date, or go stag.

[bulletproof]

I think you should absolutely go. Avoiding it is just going to make it that much worse the next time an event comes up. It is not unusual for people to invite the person they're dating to a wedding, nor is it unusual to not know anyone at a wedding. This is win-win; you make her happy, and you put a little dent in your social anxiety problem.

[confused_guy84]

hmm, I'll have to give this more thought. I guess looking at it as an opportunity to work on my social anxiety is a more positive spin. Unfortunately, the anxiety is something I've been working on my entire life and still haven't gained much of a foothold in overcoming. I don't think I ever will to be perfectly honest. Call it a bad attitude if you must, but I have the first hand experience to back that statement up. It's much easier said then done.

[bettyboo]

Yeh I agree, I think you should go. There are going to be many things in life that you may not really want to go too, but you still should.

 

I would be upset of my bf (even if only been together for 2 months) didnt want to go with me. In the beginning of relationships, you never know a lot of people, but that's why you go along, to meet your gf's friends, so at the next social event, you will know a few more people..and meet more etc.

[DN]

hmm, I'll have to give this more thought. I guess looking at it as an opportunity to work on my social anxiety is a more positive spin. Unfortunately, the anxiety is something I've been working on my entire life and still haven't gained much of a foothold in overcoming. I don't think I ever will to be perfectly honest. Call it a bad attitude if you must, but I have the first hand experience to back that statement up. It's much easier said then done.

 

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? You have to practice.

 

And the same with your anxiety - it will never get better if you give into it. But it may if you try to overcome it. And if you don't after many attempts you may at least learn to fake that you have and that will be as good in many respects.

[Dako]

CG,

 

I struggled for ages with a fear of social situations and one day I was asked to tend bar for a friend's fancy soiree. It was the first time I felt at home with a large crowd, and I had the time of my life. Since then, I'm fine with crowds, small talk and all that crap. I even enjoy it.

 

I hope you find a way to relax and enjoy people.

It's worth trying.

[bettyboo]

I agree with Dako. It is worth trying.

 

If you can't or your not willing to work on it, mabye your not ready to be in serious relationship? It should all be about give and take, and perhaps you gf is upset because your not even trying to meet her halfway.

Perhaps suggesting going along, and if it gets that bad, then you can leave, at least then you can say that you tried and your gf will feel that you put in some effort.

 

If your going to stay with her, but not get help, this could cause a lot of issues, and your gf may end up feeling resentment towards you and your situation.

 

Speaking from experience, it is really hard to understand ones issues, when they are not willing to meet halfway and work through it. If all she receives is a closed door from you, chances are she will feel pushed away and eventually leave you.

 

Relationships need work from both parties, not just from one.

[confused_guy84]

I'm thinking it over, I might end up going, if for no other reason then so my own wedding doesn't end up being the only one I've ever been to. Now that would be nerve-racking.

 

I don't think it's fair to say I might not be ready for a relationship if I'm not willing to go though. I try hard to be fair and compromising in all other areas of our relationship. But this is a tough one for me. It's not as if I'm avoiding it because I'm lazy or don't care enough. The reason I'm even here asking is because I want to do the right thing for our relationship.

 

However, if she left me over this issue, I think it would be for the best honestly. I need someone who understands that this is a deeply ingrained part of who I am and that it's not likely to change significantly within any short period of time.

[annie24]

hm - maybe this will be a good exercise - so when you feel yourself preoccupied with anxiety, you can maybe think instead about the wedding, so you can better plan your own one day? ie, instead of freaking out, think about the color scheme - do you like it? what about the service - too long, too short? did you like the songs they picked or the DJ? what did you think of the food, etc..... keep your mind on other things.

[Censored]

hm - maybe this will be a good exercise - so when you feel yourself preoccupied with anxiety, you can maybe think instead about the wedding, so you can better plan your own one day? ie, instead of freaking out, think about the color scheme - do you like it? what about the service - too long, too short? did you like the songs they picked or the DJ? what did you think of the food, etc..... keep your mind on other things.

 

Hmmm, that's a good idea.

[confused_guy84]

I'll keep that in mind for sure if I end up going.

 

I just have this weird fear that her friends won't like me, and will convince her that she deserves better. And then she'll dump me. I'm not a bad person, it just takes me a long time to get comfortable around people. And some people misinterpret that as arrogance. Which couldn't be further from the truth.