Talked to Ex's Friends, Split Opinions.... Help

[rjm0827]

Ok, so she broke up with me after 5.5 years. For a full recap just check my most recent posts. Last night I talked to one of my Ex's roommates who is also one of her best friends from home. My Ex told her that she still loves me and wants to be with me but she just wants to make sure it's what she really wants. She told her that if/when we got back together she wanted to know she would be with me forever. She has told me this exact same stuff the other week.

 

Here is where I'm stuck and need help. Some of her friends that don't know her as well as me and her other best friends are telling me they think I should just totally stop talking to her and move on. Buut her best friends that probably talk to her more don't think that's a good idea. My Ex told me she wanted to still hangout occasionally (2-3? times a week) and do stuff together. I think she wants to make sure I have really changed and all that stuff. Buuut some of her other friends are telling me to not do anything with her, that she is just using me when it's convienent for her and because she is just scared to lose me for good.

 

My Ex has told me that she dosen't want me to think this weeks ago that this wasn't the case. She also said that everything she says and that happens between us she dosen't want me to think of it as false hope. That she means all of it.

 

I want to talk and be with her, but I'm afraid if I do she isn't going to really experience what it is like to not have me at all. Right now she knows that if she has a bad day, or needs someone to help her with something that if she calls me I will be there. So I'm thinking it would be best to just disappear for a couple weeks. But I don't want to push her away and her think I'm over her by doing this. What should I do?

[leo_s84]

I want to talk and be with her, but I'm afraid if I do she isn't going to really experience what it is like to not have me at all.

 

Bingo.........

[NorthDallas40]

Disappearing for awhile is the ONLY way she's going to know what life is like without you. Otherwise, she's having it both ways while you're stuck in limbo.

 

Meet with her and as calmly & politely as possible, tell her you're not going to be in touch for awhile. I'd recommend a month. Tell her you're not going to meet her, take her calls, answer her emails, respond to texts, nothing.

 

But tell her that if she still feels the same at the end of that time (again, I'd recommend 30 days), then you'll be willing to talk about it then when SHE calls YOU.

 

This way she has the time alone that she claims she wants, you're not forcing her decision or being needy, and you don't have to be her yo-yo while she decides.

 

It's hard, but it's the only way IMO.

[tylercdurden2004]

Keep her friends out of it. Simply because you dont now what their adgenda is. Maybe these friends that tell you to leave her alone like you. Maybe the ones that are telling you that she likes you still want to see you hurt yourself by jumping in.

 

Simplify man. Simplify.

 

 

Keep others out.

[LilBear]

Her friends' loyalty, first and foremost, lie with her, not with you. Only you can decide if you can trust them to give you accurate feedback 100% of the time, regarding her feelings.

 

When my ex broke up with me, I went crying to his best friend (we're friends too). Because I knew I could trust him. And he was the one who helped me through the break up. He was the one who told me to give it up and move on, because he knew that any contact with my ex would end up with me hurting.

 

Ex's friends can be both a curse and a blessing.

[rjm0827]

The 2 people that tell me most of the stuff, mainly good, I believe I can trust 100%. The other few I haven't known all that long but believe them to be trustworthy, just not as much as the others. Plus I don't think they know whats actually going on.

 

Another thing that really really bothers me is she has told a few people her side of the story which is pretty much all twisted to make her look like the strong person pushing me away and me being the weak, begging needy guy. She has said that she has told me numerous times to back off and give her space, and that I wouldn't and I keep calling and dropping by her place. When the truth is, I have called and came by numerous times, but she has called and came by just as much. She has initiated everything sexual that has gone on between us as well and failed to even mention that at all. She has never ever been one to lie either so that makes it all the more confusing.

 

And another thing about her friends, I have known most of them longer than her. They tell me stuff without me even asking. It's not like I have to pry it out of them.

[rjm0827]

Well, the last time we spoke was Friday for 10~ mins or so. Haven't contacted her since and it's driving me absolutely insane. She says she wants to do stuff together and talk every few days so I'm guessing she will call in within the next few days. Do I answer and explain that we should just not talk for awhile or just not answer and keep the NC going? I don't want her getting the wrong impression but I kinda don't want to break NC. This is the longest I have gone lol!

[LilBear]

rjm, you have to decide what you want from her instead of going around in circles and achieving nothing. That was what I did, and it just prolonged my suffering and put my healing on hold. If you do want to get back together with her, give her an ultimatum. Ask her if she wants to work on this relationship, if she wants to stay friends and what have you.

 

By the way, do these friends of hers know your side of the story? I assume they do.

[rjm0827]

Yes they do, and they believe me. Her good friends realize she hasn't really been the same person since the breakup. Don't really know how to describe it. I don't know is she just wants to make her self look strong in their eyes or what. I know what I want, and I want to get back together. I think an ultimatum isn't the best option right now though. I agree she needs time to think things over. I just don't know what to do is all. Like I said, last we spoke she still wants to hang out and talk occasionally.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yes they do, and they believe me. Her good friends realize she hasn't really been the same person since the breakup. Don't really know how to describe it. I don't know is she just wants to make her self look strong in their eyes or what. I know what I want, and I want to get back together. I think an ultimatum isn't the best option right now though. I agree she needs time to think things over. I just don't know what to do is all. Like I said, last we spoke she still wants to hang out and talk occasionally.

 

When you talk about what you want what do you want in a woman. Not a particular woman but what feature, attitudes, behaviour etc

 

So what do you want in a woman?

[rjm0827]

Someone who is there for me whenever I need them, someone who would do anything for me, someone who will listen when I need, pretty much the traits most any guy would want in a woman.

 

I know everyone says not to check Facebook/MySpace/etc on your ex during a breakup but I can't help it. We both have one and I know she checks mine fairly often, and I check hers. Well yesterday I decided to post some new favorite quotes. Inspirational stuff, example being "If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." Well today I check hers and she has a new one up, "Things happen, and you can't make them un-happen. You don't get do-overs, you can't roll back the clock, and the only thing you can change, and the only thing it does any good to worry about, is how you let them affect you." Not really sure how to interpret that... Could be good or bad I suppose. Talk about making your mind run wild!

[tylercdurden2004]

Someone who is there for me whenever I need them, someone who would do anything for me, someone who will listen when I need, pretty much the traits most any guy would want in a woman.

 

 

But are these the traits that pretty much most guys would want?

 

I think its good for you to delve a little deeper into what you want.

 

For instance you state you want someone who is "is there for me whenever I need them." What does this look like? What does it mean?

 

Do you want someone who is on call 24/7? I mean you can never predict when you are going to need someone.

 

What if they simply cant be there because they are physically not present or you cant contact them because they are away on vacation?

 

What if they cant be there for you because they have something else going on in their life they need to deal with?

 

Do you want someone who is there for you because you arent able to be there for you?

 

You say "someone who would do anything for me" What does this mean? Do you want someone to do something for you even if they dont agree?

 

I mean realistically you are not going to find someone who "is you" and shares the same ideas and thoughts 100% exactly the same as you. So what if their ideas and thoughts about something were completely different?

 

 

What areas of life would you feel OK with having your partner share different ideas and thoughts about? Having kids? Which movie to see? How to spend the family finances? Which route to take when going on vacation?

 

Lastly you mention "someone who will listen when I need". Listen to what? When you complain about something? When you have an exciting story to tell? When you have problems?

 

You see you have to recognize that when 2 people join a relationship they both bring roughly 50% of things to the table, at least they should be around that range for a healthy relationship.

 

So you have to think that for everytime you want them to listen you will have to listen equally. But from my experience most women like to discuss things much more than most men. So realistically you may not get the airtime you want if you are talking about when you need.

 

So what if your future partner doesnt have the time or cant listen because she has her own things to deal with? Can you imagine her getting worn out from having to meet the above requirements you have laid out?

 

Why not make your wants more specific? Or at least get rid of the will part. That implies they will met the demands of your will. Why not say I want a partner who can listen?

[Iceman26]

Agree with Tyler.

 

Ignore her friends and focus on her words. She wants to see what it is like when you aren't around.

 

Until your ex tells you differently, that is all you have to go on.

 

Now, that doesn't mean you sit around waiting for her to make up her mind and overanalyzing every little detail. I did on more than one occasion and it got me nowhere.

 

Go live life man, and have some fun. If she comes back to you, great. If not, well, then you won't have wasted anytime sitting around waiting for her.

[rjm0827]

Tyler it's hard to put some stuff into words but you are pretty off with that that last post. Stuff like

What if they simply cant be there because they are physically not present or you cant contact them because they are away on vacation

is obvious. And the whole "need someone to listen to you complain" thing is totally not what I mean as well. I could list all of what I want in a woman if you want, but that's not really the point of this post.

 

You took everything I typed then just made a list criticizing them. You also make it sound as iff I have all these strict requirements a woman must pass and that I would force them upon her. That totally isn't me.

 

All I was trying to do is describe some of the qualities about my ex that I liked. I should have taken more time to clarify. Let me give examples so you aren't confused as to how I meant them.

 

"is there for me whenever I need them." - well everyone obviously goes through bad times. Having someone there that comforts them and helps them through it helps a lot. I have had some really bad times her lately and I really valued this.

 

"someone who would do anything for me" - no, I don't mean go get me food or a drink evertime I ask. Best example I could be is the other week, when me and ex were still broke up, she was at a party she didn't feel comfortable at and didn't want to stay any longer. She didn't drive there so was pretty much stuck. Even though we hadn't talked in days, it was past 1am on a weekday, and she knew that I was asleep, but she knew that I would come get her if she called, and I did. I know that if I ever needed her she would do anything in her power to help me.

 

"someone who will listen when I need" - I never have been one to open up a lot and tend to hold stuff inside. Never really wanted to talk about it with anyone, except her. I knew I could always talk to her and she would listen to what I had to say, not just listen but actually care. I obviously there for her as well when she needed. Since the breakup this is one of the biggest things I miss. Now the only time I really open up is on here, and when I am with one of her friends which is also one of my best friends.

 

Hopefully you get more of the picture now.

 

Now for a update. Last night was day 4 of NC and it was really hard. Soo I went out with some friends. My ex's roommate, the one I speak of occasionally as being one of my best friends, and another friend. Well after the bar closed I had to drop them off. I probably shouldn't have been driving so my friend offered that I stay. I accepted because they have a 3 bedroom apt with one room open. My ex is 1st floor, friend on 2nd, 3rd is open. I was just going to stay on the 3rd floor and leave early in the am. I knew my ex wouldn't have a problem with this. Well we come in and go up and are talking for maybe 5 mins and friends phone rings. It's my ex. Apparently she heard us come in and recognized my voice. They talked awhile and my friend said she was just asking about why I was there and she just explained how we had been out. Ex was asking if I was staying and if I needed needed blankets and pillow and all that. Well this isn't what I wanted, last time she offered stuff I ended up sleeping with her. So I decided to leave. On the way out friend told me I should go into my ex's room and tell her goodnight and what not. She wouldn't tell me this if she didn't think it was a good idea so I'm not sure what all was said when they were on the phone. Well as bad as I wanted to I was strong and just left. Never spoke with ex or anything. Kinda proud!

[tylercdurden2004]

My intention was not to criticize you in this case. My apologies if it came off that way. What my intention was to get you explain what you mean by the above. Pushing you a little. As far as requirements go thats what you should have and they should be strict. At least in the core areas. The statement "I want someone to be there for me" is vague and can mean many things. We all want someone to be there. But understanding that someone may not always be there and our partners may not always be there is important.

 

Congratulations for walking tall today.