LilStud86 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Ok, here it is from the beginning. I appreciate all help and advice in advance, as this is something that eats me up all the time. My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. It is the longest gay relationship either of us have ever been in, and it is wonderful. However, we have a problem. My boyfriend is 25 and I am 21. We are both College students, though he is in Grad School and I am in my final semester of Undergrad. We have so much in common and are truly soul mates. We are best friends and lovers and have so much fun together. We moved in together about 6 months ago and it has brought us all the more closer. The problem is, we never have sex. I am VERY new to the gay scene, having just passed my one year "coming out" anniversary this month. I am not interested in clubbing, and "seeing whats out there" because I am happy, so don't try that route with me if you please He says he is just never in the mood, and that his sex drive is low. Mine on the other hand, is a 21 year old male sex drive, and I'm sure that is pretty self explanatory. We usually have sex on an average of once every two to three weeks, and it has been as long as almost 2 months one time. We love each other very much, and just let me go ahead and say that we are in a monogomous non-open relationship. Neither of us has cheated, and I would bet my life on that, so I don't think he has another guy on the side. This is SO frustrating to me, and I have tried multiple times to talk to him, but he never really gets to the core of it when I try to explain it to him. It makes me feel like he doesn't find me attractive. It kills my self-esteem and makes me question myself and our relaionship which is perfect aside from this. Not tooting my own horn, just background... but I am a very good looking guy. Very smart, and a great personality. When I was closeted, the ladies loved me, and all of my BF's friends are jealous of him, so I don't see why he would find me ugly.... but I don't know. It makes me really sad considering we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Any help? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Some people have problems with sex. Maybe there a deep psychological reason he doesnt want sex. Maybe he or you should both see a sex therapist. Do you know about his past? Has he had bad experiences? You need to get him to open up to you and tell you WHY. A low sex drive at his age is quite uncommon. Link to comment
lukeb Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Yes there really isn't enough information here to really comment on what the problem could be. Not everyone's sex drive is the same, but it could be almost anything. Sexually he might be into something a little bit more kinky for example but is afraid to talk to you about it. I guess the bottom line is communicate. Link to comment
vasilias Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Can i just throw in a question, sorry if its a bit personal tho. When you say you dont often have sex... are we talking full on 'intercourse' or anything sexual at all? I only ask as it may provide some insight thats all. I mean i did 'stuff' regularly with my ex but we didnt have the opertunity to engage in more active persuits often enough. It was when the 'stuff' stopped happening i knew something was wrong. Link to comment
LilStud86 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 Ok, here is some more background, and it’s very personal, but asking personal questions is probably the only way to get answers. Vasilias, in response, no. It’s pretty much nothing. Maybe every once in a while we will fool around without actual full blown intercourse, but anything sexual is pretty few and far in between. It worries me that something is wrong in our relationship but when I try to talk to him, he gets frustrated like it’s a nonexistent problem. Also, (and here comes the personal parts… at the beginning of our relationship (like everyone) we had sex a lot. Like a few times a day for the first few weeks. And I know the newness wears off and you have sex less, but not like this…. He is 25… he should not have a low sex drive. Here is the other thing… before me, he was very... "sexually liberal" lol. While he is a much different person now, once he used to be into the hook up scene, which hurts me more, because it seems like he has had enough sex that he is over it, or just isn’t interested in me… If you knew this guy he is a handful. Talking to him has a 80% chance fail rate lol. He just doesn’t like to talk unless he is ready and willing to. He is WONDERFUL and I LOVE him and nothing else in the relationship seems wrong, which is why Im so confused… Link to comment
LilStud86 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 Also, to answer the other questions, he is not held back by a kink or anything, in fact, his style of sex is pretty standard. I definitely have more kinks than him if any. Aside from maybe a few bad boyfriends, he has not had any scarring experiences either. Link to comment
vasilias Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Oh geez. I can totally understand and relate to your concerns buddy. And thank you for being open about it. I dont want to worry you without cause, so hopefully some others here will have some alternative opinions and much better advise. But it happened to me. Was with someone who would wake me up in the night for a kiss, cuddle and a bit of the other. But then he kinda stopped. Ended up making excuses that he had heartburn... in fact he genuinly did but i realised later it was brought on by anxiety over the thought of sleeping with me coz he had 'fallen' out of love with me apparently and he felt like it was sleeping with his brother. But other than sex there was absolutly no sign of anything being wrong and all our time together was just as wonderful as it always had been. But if i asked him if things were ok he brushed it aside and said there wasnt anything wrong - he just either wasnt in the mood or would just sit there playing on his gameboy thing or read and let me attempt to ignight some spark until i eventually rolled over and went to sleep. Your story rings scarey bells as to what happened to me but i would have to say at this point dont PANIC. Its only one possibility and it doesnt mean its something that cant be worked out. My advice at the moment would be to not come on to him too much. If he is feeling uncomfortable for whatever reason at all... if he feels pressured it will deffinatly make him feel even worse. If you can (and trust me, i might as well have taken viagra for the effect my ex had on me so i know its not easy), try and resist being "sexy" with him for a while... let him WANT to sleep with you rather than him feel he is RESPONDING to you. I know from a different angle with my ex... he never gave me much space and i was always going to see him when he asked me and i didnt get the chance to ask him first... so i felt I was always seeing him when HE wanted to see me and not because I wanted to. I know that sounds messed up and it probably is but sometimes its nice to do something beacuse you really want to do it not beacuse you've been asked to. Sorry thats all prob quite depressing. Please dont worry too much just yet. I'd try leaivng it for a little... dont make him feel pressured. see if that helps. Just dont get too insecure over it yet. I know it sucks and being 'rejected' like that hurts... i know. But stick with it and try not to get too 'clingy.' Link to comment
LilStud86 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 Thank you so much, thats incredibly insightful. It doesn't sound weird at all, in fact, I know exactly what you mean. I did go through a insecure/slightly clingy spell there at the very beginning of this. That didn't last long though, as I don't like to be clingy. So I tried to make him want me, and to be largely uninterested in sex (kind of play hard to get so he comes after me.) Well. It didn't work... in fact, when I backed off completely, 1 & 1/2 MONTHS LATER we finally had sex. He seemed completely fine with waiting that long. The only insight he has ever given was that "He had a lot of stress on him and that when it gets better he will want sex more." Well, I have heard that about 10 times, and everytime his major stressor at the time is over with, I'm still waiting empty handed. I'm worried that my experience sounds identical to yours Link to comment
LilStud86 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 Another thing you mentioned that I found interesting is the night thing. Even when we have sex, its almost ALWAYS after I've already fallen asleep for the night. There is no spark and no indication, and then I'll wake up to him just about to start without me LOL... Usually Its not satisfying though, because I am drowsy and sleepy and usually don't know what the hell is going on until he is almost done LOL. (Ok, exaggeration, but you understand.) What is up with that!? Link to comment
vasilias Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Another thing you mentioned that I found interesting is the night thing. Even when we have sex, its almost ALWAYS after I've already fallen asleep for the night. There is no spark and no indication, and then I'll wake up to him just about to start without me LOL... Usually Its not satisfying though, because I am drowsy and sleepy and usually don't know what the hell is going on until he is almost done LOL. (Ok, exaggeration, but you understand.) What is up with that!? Im with you on being woken up. Its alright if they give you some time to come round... or be romantic and wake you up gently with a back rub or something... but to wake up with a toung down your throught and some rampant sex beast on you (invariably with beer breath from the night before) wasnt quite the enjoyable experience. You mentioned you guys live together... are you able to go out much or do you spend most of your time together at home? One thing that happened to me was being in a rut and we didnt get out enough. Although we didnt live together most weeks were the same and spent sat in his room watching TV. Perhaps you can look to spark up other parts of your life if you can...? Go out more if you can? Perhaps sex is a symptom of something else which if you can jazz up the other parts of your life perhaps the sex will follow? My ex complained when we broke up our lives were boring and was the same week in week out. Although that wasnt quite true as we did go places but it had been a long time since he and i had gone out in the evening unless it was with other friends. He also complained sex had become boring... but that was my fault beacuse as i think i sensed him move away from me i became insecure and was so pleased to just have him interested in me when it happened all i wanted was to be in such a way as to be in his arms and kiss... so "sex" basically became nothing more than a cuddle and fumble. My ex wouldnt talk to me about what was bothering him. In reality they were things that could have been fixed easily beacuse it was obsticals i was allowing to stop us moving along with the relationship, rather than differences between us. Its a long story but he really didnt want to loose me but beacuse he wouldnt talk to me we couldnt fix the problems and so just went on being unhappy. But although he said he wasnt in-love with me, he sure as hell didnt show it... as i said all our time together was as lovely as ever... it was when he was on his own he had his doubts. He then jumped ship and ran off "in-love" with someone he only met in person 3 days after he broke up with me... a decission which seemed to cause him alot of confusion. So i dunno - if there is something wrong i would say its not unfixable yet. If he is still loving, caring and your time with each other is as wonderful as it always has been im sure he does still love you... but maybe he doesnt know why at the moment. Could be many reasons... even i had doubts with my ex... i sometimes felt "am i too young to commit to this... i want to live a bit" but knew i couldnt leave him. Part of that was space as i mentioned earlier... my ex never left me alone without a phone call, text, email for more than a few hours. I knew i loved him but i must admit i took him for granted beacuse i couldnt see why i loved him... he never gave me space to appreciate him or miss him so much i desperatly had to see him... beacuse he was always there asking me. Maybe you two spend too much time together? If your situation is anythign like mine was... something inside me tells me he loves you and wants to be with you... but perhaps he for some reason cant see it and thats causing him to be colder towards you. My ex had been around a bit (much more than me) and had never have anyone love him for who he really was before and i think also on top of everything else when the hot passionate love naturally evolved into real love... he confused that with doubts. Your boyfriend was used to random excitement... no ooffence but if you been together for a long time, anyone, you/me will just not be exciting in the same way anymore and perhaps he too is mistaking the lack of excitement as a FEAR of falling out of love. At the end of the day... we as a species are stupid. Anyway i must apologise to all who read this post beacuse i have totally rambled on and could have made it much shorter and less woffly... so sorry. Link to comment
LilStud86 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 Thanks for all your help Vas. I really do appreciate it. I kind of hinted to him that something was weird and he has done some very sweet things for me in the past few days. Even though it sucks, maybe he is just a person with a low sex drive now? I think it may coincide with his stress levels at the time, and he does hold a professional full time 40 hour job and also go to Graduate School full time for his PHD. I really love him, so I think I'll keep him, though I will be alert now for hints of an experience similar to yours. Thanks again for the hope and help you gave me. Link to comment
from_the_ashes Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 I feel odd saying this, but maybe he's bored? Do you do the same things over and over again? Maybe try surprising him, and if he turns you down then maybe that's a better indicator. Perhaps a sex therapist is a viable solution... And about the low sex drive--I'm 18 and unimpressed with sex. I just enjoy doing other things in a relationship than that. If it's odd for him to not want sex that much, maybe I should go into a scientific study...haha Link to comment
vasilias Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 I dont think i have a particularly high sex drive myself. When i am/have been single i certainly havent been 'gagging' for it and looking to find it. However with my ex, not that it was constantly on my mind as when we were just chilling or out and about i totally enjoyed doing just that... but when we were close together he had quite an effect on me. Dont think it was so much to do with 'sex' but I just loved him so much he just turned me on and i just wanted to be with him. Unless it was a bit of fun before we went out somewhere together (and could go with a cheesy grin on our faces) I hated it if we had to leave each other just afterwards coz snuggling up under the duvet was just as enjoyable. Link to comment
LilStud86 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Share Posted January 24, 2008 To be honest, if this is the biggest problem we will face I'm thankful! I don't have a particularly high sex drive. I wouldn't hook up if I was single. Its when we are close and being lovey dovey that I get turned on for the sheer reason that I love him. Its never boring though, neither sex nor our lives together. And I have to admit, when we DO actually have sex, its absolutely amazing and certainly never boring. Thinking hard on it and talking to you guys, I realize now that I think my problem was a little voice in the back of my head saying "Hes cheating, thats why he doesn't want sex" or "He doesn't find you attractive." But honestly... I think he just has a lower sex drive than an average person. He still goes at it when it happens, and he never seems bored, and he continues to love me as fiercely as ever. Anyway, I guess eventually the whole sex thing goes down hill when you get old, and I want to be left with my best friend and lover when I'm 60, not some model who wants nothing but sex. Link to comment
vasilias Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Anyway, I guess eventually the whole sex thing goes down hill when you get old, and I want to be left with my best friend and lover when I'm 60, not some model who wants nothing but sex. Your guy is very lucky - your so the perfect boyfriend! Link to comment
pianoguy Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 This is hard to say. I understand that some people have lower sex drives, but he is 25. Frankly, he should be all over you. Unfortunately the only way I can think that you will be able to find out is to get him to talk, which you said he will not do. There are several things it could be, but it is pretty fruitless to speculate unless you have other symptoms. You can persuade him to talk by threatening to leave, but it doesn't sound like either of you want that. Either way, I think that, if this is something that it important to you, you need to try your hardest to have an honest conversation with him. Link to comment
Jdean6574 Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Lilstud86, reading your posts scares me to think you are my partner!!! Basically he has told me the same things, and I can honestly say that the partner you describe has some similarities to me - so maybe what I can share with you maybe helpful. My partner tries to be very active with me during the day. I had a very strict Southern Baptist upbringing, and as a result had a very hard time opening up to my partner sexually. I love him, but noticed that he was getting distant. 3 years ago I caught him cheating on me which was a big surprise. We worked through it, and now everything is ok, although I am still dealing with being myself sexually. I have tried to be more open about what I like, but find it difficult to talk to him about doing some things together - like watching porn, or talking openly about seeing a hot guy etc. This makes me feel like I am suffocating. I know he watches porn when I am not around, and hides it from me, but openly brings it up when i do it - which really frustrates me. He also posts blogs expressing his sexual feelings with other guys online rather than telling me. I know that I have learned a lot from being in this relationship and my advice would be to communicate how you feel, head on. Our conversations have helped, and if you can tell I plan on having some more. Like your partner I also enjoy having sex in the evening. It is just a preference for me, but there are some days where I wouldn't mind doing things together during the day - and while those are rare, perhaps he has a explanation for it. I say you ask questions, why, how - what do you like? And be ready and prepared to hear that he may like some of these things for a specific reason - and I agree with someof the other bloggers - something may have happened in his past, which may be holding him back - and it may have nothing to do with you whatsoever. I wish you both all the best - and if you are my partner at least you can see how I feel and its a start Link to comment
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