shes a mess

[ram1500]

Ok i'll try to keep this as short as possible, but its really a life story type issue... I'm seeing a girl named Sarah, we have known each other since we were very young so shes almost family in a way. I moved out of state for about 10 years, and recently moved back. But sooo much changed with her during that time period. Her dad abused her, her parents devoriced, she got into drugs, then her dad died of terminal cancer and now her mom is raising 3 kids alone. The family obviously has financial hardships, but they find a way to get by. Sarah and i are both 20, and I fear she is headed in the wrong direction. Her mom calls me when i'm at work to tell me how worried she is about her daughter.

 

I have a good job and a great family, and I'm quite thankful for both. Normally i would end a relationship like this immediately, but I cant do it... I have to get her off drugs before this gets worse.

 

Where do i even start???

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome.

 

The short and easy answer? You can't.

 

If Sarah is doing drugs she has to want to stop and she has to see value in that choice because once she makes the decision to stop she is going to have to change her lifestyle in order to make the changes stick- like losing friends who use or sell her drugs, changing where she hangs out if it's a party scene. going to NA meetings, detoxing, etc. It's not easy and she has to want to make those changes and make them stick, and she has to come to that choice on her own- no one can do that for her or push her to it.

 

Now, if she does make that choice, you can certainly be supportive and offer her help and assistance, but you cannot make her do this and you cannot do it for her. That is one of the hardest parts about loving an addict- and believe me I know. I did for 5 years.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I am sorry to say this, but YOU cannot get her off of drugs...She has to WANT to get off of drugs...Usually, addicts lose everyone before realizing they have a problem. They have to reach their all time low, and that won't happen if YOU and her MOTHER are still supporting her....in ANYWAY...I know it's sad, it's going to hurt, but it's the best advice I can give you...

 

A lot of the times...When dealing with addicts, family and friends who are willing to STICK around usually end up falling a lot too. They end up becoming depressed and sick with worry about what the addiction is doing to their loved one. They lose loads of money and they mostly lose friends, because they lose interest in things just like the addict.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but you are only 20 years old, you should be worrying about college and other things...This is not good for you...You need to get away from this. I know love your friend, but supporting someone who CHOSES to live like that has nothing to do with you..

 

So, my best advice for you is to get detach yourself from this woman, before your life starts to go down the drain...

[Kiwi_Sweet]

Sorry I had to be so blunt, but I mean well, trust me...

 

There's a certain definition for people who support people with addictions..I think they are called "codependents"...You should really look into this book...it's called "Codependent No more" By Melody Beatty...She's a good author. She's been through the same thing you are going through..I've dealt with it too..My mother was an addict..Still is actually...

[ram1500]

thank god you replied fruitylips and hope... i was terrified of that answer, but somehow i feel better knowing that the situation is as bad as i thought it was. she isnt on hard drugs, mostly pain killers, weed, and alcohol. i think she does it because of low confidence, maybe because of her past.

thank you for replying

[Hope75]

Those are some pretty serious things to be messing with- I would say that is serious.

 

One of the hardest parts of loving an addict is having no control over what they do or how they conduct themselves.

 

What do you think you will do now?

[Kiwi_Sweet]

thank god you replied fruitylips and hope... i was terrified of that answer, but somehow i feel better knowing that the situation is as bad as i thought it was. she isnt on hard drugs, mostly pain killers, weed, and alcohol. i think she does it because of low confidence, maybe because of her past.

thank you for replying

 

I highlighted what you said, because too me, it's an excuse you are making for her. She's still addicted to drugs...and, to me, painkillers are a hardcore drugs, because sooner or later, she will have a high tolerance for them and go for something even more hardcore...Like heroin. Please, don't make excuses for her, it's not what she needs...She really needs people to show her tough love...That's the best thing for her..

[Angel_baby]

I highlighted what you said, because too me, it's an excuse you are making for her. She's still addicted to drugs...and, to me, painkillers are a hardcore drugs, because sooner or later, she will have a high tolerance for them and go for something even more hardcore...Like heroin. Please, don't make excuses for her, it's not what she needs...She really needs people to show her tough love...That's the best thing for her..

 

Fruitylips is right. Tough love is needed in this situation. I have a sister and mother that both are addicted to the same as your girl is. They will never change as long as they don't have a reason to. Once they realize they are losing everything to drugs is usually the only time they are willing to try to change.

 

Don't be drug down with her. She needs to find it out by herself.

 

And painkillers are a hard drug. They do a LOT of damage to your body. More so then alcohol. As her tolerance builds she will just keep going up to something stronger, which in turn means even more damaging or worse.

 

I watch my sister and mom climb up to stronger drugs, it saddens me to watch my young sister throwing her future away. My sister even stole pills from me once (I am disabled) which really angered and shocked me.

 

But I have detached myself from them. I am no longer available when they need me for something. It is hard but better that way.

[SR212787]

Tough love is needed, but do not abandon her. If you are that concerned then plan an intervention, Throw her in rehab, or really sit her down when she is sober and talk to her. You do not have to be with her to help her. But don't x her out of your life, then she might not have anyone and she will get hurt, get into bigger things, or OD. She needs someone to be there to help her through it and get her out of it. If you feel like there is no hope or you cant help, keep in touch with her and find someone better equipped to help her.