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i HATE that he talks to her!!!

shoegal21

By shoegal21
in Relationship Advice

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shoegal21 Apprentice

shoegal21

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he says they are "just friends." i don't know what to believe.

i know that i cannot ask him to stop talking to her, but i have and he says he will.

well whenever we fight, he calls her.

we got in a fight last week and didn't talk for a few days. we're ok now, and i asked him if he talked to her and he said yes. in person at school and over the phone.

that really pisses me off. it isn't right for him to talk to her just because we are fighting. it's starting to make me believe that he never stopped talking to her. that he just tells me that so he doesn't have to hear me complain.

because it never fails WHENEVER we fight ... guess who's talking to who?

 

ugggh. and it's just this ONE girl that i HATE so much. i don't understand why he feels the need to talk to her when he knows it hurts me.

 

should i just let it go? or should i worry?

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buckdawg Apprentice

buckdawg

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it's tricky because, like you said, you can't ask him to stop talking to her (even though you have ) but he's putting himself in a potentially perilous situation.

 

what's their deal? where they hooked up at one point or have they always been friends?

 

you gotta be careful and not push him away from you, either you can deal with their friendship or you can't.

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shoegal21 Apprentice

shoegal21

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it's tricky because, like you said, you can't ask him to stop talking to her (even though you have ) but he's putting himself in a potentially perilous situation.

 

what's their deal? where they hooked up at one point or have they always been friends?

 

you gotta be careful and not push him away from you, either you can deal with their friendship or you can't.

 

according to him 'they've always been friends' and that they've never hooked up. he says he doesn't like her anymore then a friend. but why only talk to her when we fight? that's crap ... he prob talks to her all the time.

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JadedStar Collaborator

JadedStar

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The more you hate her and forbid him to talk to her the more desirous she will be.

 

I know that goes against everything you want to do but i think you should not make a big deal out of it. I think the more you do the more forbidden she becomes and that much more desirable to run to when you both have strife.

 

If she is no longer forbidden she won't be as tempting to run to.

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JadedStar Collaborator

JadedStar

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according to him 'they've always been friends' and that they've never hooked up. he says he doesn't like her anymore then a friend. but why only talk to her when we fight? that's crap ... he prob talks to her all the time.

 

He only talks to her when you fight because he knows it is forbidden by you thereforeeee if things are looking bad with the two of you what better excuse to go to her? If you are already fighting and angry he figures, ok i can talk to this girl because shoegal is already mad so what's to lose? See what I'm sayin here?

 

YOu are weaving a bad yarn here by forbading it.

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shoegal21 Apprentice

shoegal21

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The more you hate her and forbid him to talk to her the more desirous she will be.

 

I know that goes against everything you want to do but i think you should not make a big deal out of it. I think the more you do the more forbidden she becomes and that much more desirable to run to when you both have strife.

 

If she is no longer forbidden she won't be as tempting to run to.

 

wow, that makes so much sense. i've never thought about it like this before.

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buckdawg Apprentice

buckdawg

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explain please?

 

if she truly is his friend and just his friend then he confides in her when things are rough. same as what you are doing here right now, same as i've done 100 times on this board. that's what friends are for. now when you forbid him to speak to her he has nowhere to turn when he needs to talk to someone. so he does it behind your back. i'm not saying he's right for doing that nor is he right for lying about it but i understand why he's doing it.

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shoegal21 Apprentice

shoegal21

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whoa! really? lol

 

try to relax and trust him, you'll be fine and dammit you're a better person than that. jealousy really is a very destructive emotion and i know it's very hard to overcome but for the sake of your own sanity you should try

 

lol, yeah

 

i don't want to be that annoying, jealous and insecure g/f who can't trust her boyfriend. i want to be able to believe him. but it's always so hard to trust.

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Hope75 Grand Master

Hope75

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While I agree with others' advice I also wonder- does he talk to this girl only when he is mad at you and always about his problems with you?

 

If so, I wonder if it isn't some sort of passive aggressive tactic to hurt and upset/punish you when is angry with you and doesn't know how to handle that or resolve it with you.

 

While I don't think you can tell him who to talk to and I agree that the more you hate it and the more it upsets you, the more he does it- do you think that is why he does it- because he knows it's a sure-fire way to upset and hurt you?

 

I'll bet if you stop reacting to him talking to her and stop asking about it he will eventually stop doing it.

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Altruist Rising Star

Altruist

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Trust is important in a relationship but I can understand why the OP feels upset. Her bf seems to be emotionally involved with this other girl. That is not so good for a relationship. If the two of you fight then its important for him to try to resolve the issue with you instead of running to someone else all the time. It doesn't matter if he's running to another girl or his mama - its still a problem.

Be less nagging and try to sit doen with your bf for a serious discussion when both of you are in a good mood.

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JadedStar Collaborator

JadedStar

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Everyone has to have someone to confide in. The OP has ENA. Many people don't utilize forums ..

 

That said, the problem IS in the fact that this is a female friend that he is only running to in times of strife with himself and shoegal. THis is a recipe for disaster.

 

Not really much you can do either Shoegal except as I said prior try very hard not to make a big deal out of it. If he doesn't think it bothers you he might eventually stop it altogether.

 

To be honest it is a very immature move that he would even be doing this at all.

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shoegal21 Apprentice

shoegal21

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were they friends before you started dating?

 

yeah, they were friends before. im pretty sure.

 

Hi, I was just wondering why you hate the girl so much? And also, have you met her?

 

And have you had trust broken in another relationship?

 

because she is known to be 'easy' and yes, i've met her ... but not through my boyfriend. i live in a small town so i know who she is.

 

trust broken in another relationship? you could say that!

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RayKay Grand Master

RayKay

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i don't trust HER.

 

Shouldn't matter if you trust HIM to be honest.

 

He should set the boundaries, and draw the line. It's not up to her to do - it is on him.

 

If you trust him, it would not matter if she had her eye on him.

 

The real issue is that you don't trust him, because he does not seem to keep very clear boundaries with this girl and runs to her anytime you two disagree.

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