My rant: religion/family

[bpsekh]

I thought I could handle this, but apparently it's really been driving me crazy.

 

Make to make a long story short, my father, who's 71 just moved in with me about a year and a half ago. He's got some habits that are a bit annoying when added together, but that's not what I'm writing about. I'm not even writing about how he often wishes I were a child again. Over the months, I've somehow gotten accustomed to it, and usually ignore him when he states the obvious or makes exorbiant demands.

 

What has been infuriating is that he has continually nagged, complained, and insulted me because, six months before he arrived, I converted to a different religion. He was never religious, but now he's angry at my choice. He now considers me to be 'disobedient' because of my conversion, and probably even more so because I didn't consult him in the first place. He's been so busy criticizing me that he doesn't realize the positive parts of this: I no longer drink or smoke, among other things.

 

Renouncing my faith and belief is NOT an option. I have found a message in which I sincerely believe and which to me is flawless. And I would move out, but after paying the bills for the both of us, I currently don't have the funds needed to do so (and it is likely that my father would simply follow me). I have thought about cutting him off when I am able to, but that as well doesn't seem right.

 

Has anyone here had a similar experience with religion and family?

[Veroni]

He's your dad. Be as kind to him as you can. You think it was easy for him when you were a bratty little kid, having a tantrum about that toy you wanted that he couldnt buy? Unless he was abusive, You have to have compassion. He is not always going to agree with the decisions you make, just let him state them, but grow and change as you must. Maybe remind him that through the sins of his own father, he learned how to be better, and you are only trying to do the same and better yourself.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi bpsekh,

 

We all have our cross to bear, and these are the circumstances that might be testing now.

 

Personally, I would just tolerate it until either I were in a better position to get my own place or that my father eventually dropped the issue.

 

Sorry for you.

 

Jeff

[talo]

At rest homes the staff just jolly the elderly along if they get stuck. This also jollies the staff along too.

[rocio]

What is he angry over? Is he upset that you left the family faith? Or is there something about this new religion that he takes issue with?

[itsallgrand]

Moving in with his kid at 71 must be hard for him. Hard for you, too.

 

I don't know what to tell you. There have been times in my life where I've lived with people, sometimes family sometimes not, who were way in different worlds than I. And it causes tension. Especially with family.

 

There is some reason he is living with you, and it isn't only about money. Refresh your mind about that.

Keep living your life. If he needs help, it doesn't always have to be you to do it.

 

There's not much to say here except put yourself in his shoes, and honestly, try to cherish this time if you can!

 

There are a lot of little online support groups for people who live with older family members for various reasons. You might click into some (I can PM you a link to one if you like).

 

He's at the golden years of his life, and people tend to remember a lot then and to cherish the good memories of what they have lived. He obviously cherishes the little girl you were, and so some of that is probably trying to relate to you again. This grown woman who has changed so much, but who is still the same (as far as his love for you).

 

You might only need more time to yourself. Or a little vacation. You'll find a way.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[bpsekh]

What is he angry over? Is he upset that you left the family faith? Or is there something about this new religion that he takes issue with?

 

It's a little of both I guess, but more of the latter than the former.

 

I don't think we ever had a "family faith". His sister is Roman "Vatican II" Catholic, for example, and pretty serious. My other relatives are Buddhist, as well as a bevy of Protestant sects (mostly Baptist and Anglican) and Agnostic. I suppose he wouldn't have minded terribly if I had been on one of those paths. He, by the way, is Agnostic and sometimes pays lip service Buddhism and Christianity in the form of going to a temple on the Lunar New Year with our Buddhist family members and going to church on Christmas with our Christian family members.

 

Personally, I would just tolerate it until either I were in a better position to get my own place or that my father eventually dropped the issue.

That seems like the best bet; though my father is the kind of guy who never drops any issue. When I tell him that I'm not going to become some kind of crazy fundamentalist, he still reminds me that I beat up a guy in high school over an insult (I fought because the SOB insulted our family, nonetheless).

 

You think it was easy for him when you were a bratty little kid, having a tantrum about that toy you wanted that he couldnt buy? Unless he was abusive, You have to have compassion. He is not always going to agree with the decisions you make, just let him state them, but grow and change as you must.

Wasn't exactly into some toys as a little kid. It sounds strange but, it's true. I had a soccer ball, some action figures, a toy car collection, water guns, and a chess set. When I was seven, I begged him for violin lessons and got them, and eventually got fairly good. When I was twelve, I wanted to learn martial arts, asked him for several months, and finally he conceded. Those were the only things I really asked him for.

[rocio]

May I ask what the new faith is, or is that too personal?

[bpsekh]

May I ask what the new faith is, or is that too personal?

 

If you must know, Islam.

 

Does that surprise you?

[rocio]

If you must know, Islam.

 

Does that surprise you?

 

yeah, it does a bit. that's cool, I think it's a wonderful religion, when followed with a pure heart. All the best to you.

[bpsekh]

yeah, it does a bit. that's cool, I think it's a wonderful religion, when followed with a pure heart. All the best to you.

I do try to follow the Quran as carefully as possible, and it's made my life a lot better. When I look back at those times, I admit that I looked like a complete mess.

 

All the things that he was always ticked off at me for doing, such as drinking, smoking, dating, etc., I'm not doing now, mostly because it's against Islamic law. In the end, one would think it would make him happy, but he seems to only see the negative side of things. I guess it's easy with what we see in the media these days.

 

I did talk to him about those things. Mainly he's upset because he thinks Islam has nothing to do with our culture, despite the fact that there was historically a visible Muslim minority there; and because apparently we're "at war" with "them" (by which I assume he means "Muslims"). Funny thing is that he is a registered Democrat, and I am a registered Republican (though only for the social issues; I'm anti-war).

[southerngirl]

Well, I think its admirable if you continue to care for your father as you are through his golden years. I would have done the same for my mother had I not lost her to cancer.

 

I hope one day to be honored if my mother in law chooses to live with us. She cares for her own father in the same way as you do now.

 

My grandmother never went to a nursing home, she lived with us from the time she was about 68 till she passed away in her late 70s.

 

I know that some families prefer to send their elders to nursing homes. If its within my power that will never happen to my parents. I already have been trying to teach my children (there are 3) that this is just how things are. ..... I hope that one day they dont put me away in a home!

[spinstermanquee]

Bless you for being kind to your father. >

 

Remember, we often fear that which we do not know - and he is not familiar with the beliefs and teachings of Islam. He didn't grow up with it either, and prolly didn't have a best friend or even an acquaintance who practised. His criticism or negativity may be his way of expressing his fear that you are becoming someone he doesn't understand (the "other" that he thinks we are at war with). Maybe reassuring him that you are and will always be his loving son, and reinforcing all the things that didn't change about you, plus all the wonderful ways you have changed. You could not talk about the religion and wait for him to ask you questions, too. This way it won't feel forced to either of you and will unfold more naturally.

 

He is also going through, or is about to go through, his second childhood - which will prolly be sped along by his moving in with you. No grown man likes to feel needy or dependent. So as much as he can talk to make himself feel like a man, he will. I just hope he doesn't have to knock you down to lift himself up. That would not be very good father-like behavior... and on the abusive side of things.

 

Best of luck to you both!

[emailas]

I agree with the other posters...it's great that you are looking after your dad in this stage of his life.

 

It is a huge change. As individuals, each of you are adjusting to personal changes (ie your dad in this phase of his life, you, having embraced your new beliefs), thrown in with the adjustment of him losong his independance, you, your space ....it's HUGE ask for both of you.

 

As with most things with parents, your father, may fear what he doesn't understand and or hasn't experienced. Also, he probably just feels like he has not been involved in the decision process.

 

Religion is a very personal decision, nevermind with family- people have varied personal life experiences, different faiths and form the basis of their beliefs from this...so your father, having had different life expreiences, may never understand why you have decided to embrace Islam..and this although, not ideal, is not unusual. He is also older and will tend to hang on more to HIS beliefs, which makes it difficult for him to undertsand yours.

 

I suppose the best you can do is be patient and show him that religion is meant to help you cross boundaries, rather then make them

 

It must be so hard for the both of you. Hang in there...the teething period should settle with time, once he doesn't feel dependant, having moved in with you. When he sees that, your faith has, if anything, stripped you of your vices, but at the end of the day, you are still his son and person he has always known, he should start to calm down.

 

good luck with it!!

[Orlander]

This has nothing to do with your religion and everything to do with your father being an unhappy old man.

 

Intolerance is born of fear and unhappiness. If you try to educate him about your religion and he still refuses to accept you as being part of that religion (not that he has to accept the religion, he doesnt) then you have either to be the bigger person and care for him while attempting to suppress the anti-Islamic statements OR find a better living alternative for him so you can be at peace. Sometimes tough love means doing what best for you and thus forcing someone to confront their own limitations as a person.

[bpsekh]

I agree with the other posters...it's great that you are looking after your dad in this stage of his life.

To tell the truth, he doesn't need much "looking after". To the contrary, he just showed up one day at my door saying that he needed to "supervise" me more for a number of reasons, one of them being that I had quit picking up his twice-daily phone calls asking if I was all right, and the other being that I had asked for about $2000 to help me move to a different town so that I could take a job offer.

 

The move's been put on hold since he came down, partly because I'd have to take him along to the new location. He also disapproved of the move because I only told him at the last minute, and because, apparently, "I don't need to be making so much money".

 

Anyhow, I wrote a letter to him explaining my position on Islam, telling him that no matter what, my respect and love for him is still there. I explained to him hadiths and verses from the Quran on this subject, and told him to talk to me.

 

Finally, he did so, and its basically come down to the fact that he's rather overprotective. He's been that way most of my life, and I can probably give a thousand examples of this, from the time when I was seven and he wouldn't let me play ball with the other kids because it was "too dangerous", even to the time when I got a lecture because he felt I was getting "too close" to a female friend.

 

Anyhow, I think I've found the root of the problem. Yes, he still might be antagonistic towards Islam, but I think the other bigger part is that he can't see that times have changed, and that I can take care of my own life.