Older women who have never had children

[Fritz The Cat]

My past experiences tell me that they are emotionally damaged. I've known a few who we crazy in more ways than I could count. My instincts tell me to stay away from them but I've recently met one that seems to be reasonably normal. At least on the surface. She called me last night and now I'm wondering if I should pursue her or run like mad.

[Frangipani]

Huh??? I'm 38 and don't want kids by choice. It doesn't make me crazy and I find that statement quite insulting Fritz.

 

I have 3 male friends close to my age who are the same...have no desire to have them and I think that's perfectly fine. One has even had a vasectomy even though he is single, juts to be sure it never happens. Many of my married friends don't have kids either.

[bulletproof]

That's a pretty huge generalization and kind of insulting. I'm 36 and I've never had kids, but I don't think I'd describe myself (nor would anyone else) as crazy. If I were you I wouldn't pursue her, because the minute she does something that you think isn't 'normal', it will just reinforce your very misinformed point of view.

[Frangipani]

Here here bulletproof.

[shes2smart]

I'm 43, no kids. Made a very conscious decision about that when I was about 15 and began to suspect I wasn't 'mommy' material. When I was 27 I was diagnosed with PCOS...it would've been very difficult (if not impossible) for me to get pregnant anyway. To me, that was great news.

 

If there was some objective way to measure things like 'sanity' against other people, I have no doubt I'd come up on the 'saner' end of that spectrum.

 

The problem with your viewpoint is that you've (to some extent) already made up your mind that a woman who hasn't had children by some certain age has some sort severe emotional problems. As bulletproof pointed out, it's the sort of mindset that can go so far as to say, "I've already made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts."

 

It's really no different from a woman who's had a bf or two in the past who cheated on her....and she maybe has a friend or two who's bf or spouse cheat...and then she comes to the conclusion "All men cheat."

 

If what you've stated in your original post is what you truly believe, you won't be doing yourself or that older, childless woman any favors by pursuing her. You're going to go into any interaction with her looking for evidence that there's something wrong with her. I seriously doubt that's conducive to creating a healthy relationship.

[rootcause43]

As a fellow Georgian who is thirty-eight, I can say the % of crazy older women who are single with no kids is about the same as the % of crazy older single men with no kids. Of course this applies just for the city of Atlanta - I have no ideas about the suburbs or any of the rural areas.

 

So if you are crazy I would not pursue her since she may be normal and you would only end up messing her up. If you're not crazy then I would pursue. But you sound a little crazy to me.

 

If I had my pick I would choose older with no kids than older with kids. But then again, I don't have kids of my own though I do want some one day.

[samross]

fritz

 

This is coming from a man. Each of us has had some kind of emotional damage. Most of us probably aren't even aware of it and it may be nothing more than a slight from someone. It may be because of love or it may be because of just life in general. We can't go through this life without it. Having said that, to say 'older' (?) women are emotionally damaged because they haven't had children is ludicrous. I agree that it happens but I don't believe that you can apply that as a general rule. Like the women that have responded here, some have made a choice and if they're happy with that, why should they be excluded from a man's choice?

[ghost69]

who called you? the same woman you met at xmas party that you fell in love with?

[Fritz The Cat]

I once knew a woman who's BF forced her to have an abortion at 19. Years later when she found herself married to her prince charming and wanting to have kids, she found she couldn't due to a medical condition. I can pronounce but I can't spell it. Anyway, they spent a small fortune trying to correct the problem but never did. She became more and more obsessed with it intil it totally consumed her. Prince Charming finally left her and nobody could blame hime, she put him through hell. She even blamed her inability to produce a child was the reason why he left her and you couldn't tell her and different. She took her life about a year after he left her and I've always it was her instinctual desire for children that lead to her tragic end.

 

BTW, I wasn't referring to those women who are childless by choice. Sorry for the misunderstanding. The woman in question, on the other hand, told me she always wanted children but couldn't have them.

[samross]

I would agree that in the story you shared that yes, it had a very negative emotional effect on her. If I understand your original question - should you date someone that may have an emotional problem related to having/not having children?

I think if you want to date her, date her

I think if you want to consider getting serious with her, consider it

I think if you love her it shouldn't matter.

 

More than likely she can't help the hand that life has dealt her; rejecting her because of it will only hurt her more.

 

If you want children and she doesn't then that's a different situation but still the statements I made above I think still apply. Life's full of choices. Some are easy, most aren't.

 

Give her a chance. She might be the love of your life.

[bulletproof]

Just because you knew one woman who was unable to have children and chose to end her life does not mean that all older women who have never had children are crazy. Not every woman who cannot conceive commits suicide. Chances are there are other factors that led to her mental instability and the inability to conceive was just another problem she couldn't handle on top of everything else. To say that she went crazy *because* of an instinct to have children that was not fulfilled is completely devoid of logic.

 

Btw, I am not childless by choice, per se. I would love to have children and have not found someone to have them with yet. But I seriously doubt I will go crazy if that doesn't happen.

 

I would be careful of labeling anyone as crazy- I've seen other threads in which you allude to this. Perhaps you fear that you are a bit crazy? Perhaps there's a little projection going on here?

[ycmanvs]

I am 38 and single and I believe that I can still have kids. More and more people, especially career women are choosing to have kids in their 40's. Yes, it is more difficult to conceive, but not impossible. Of course we have some emotional issues, who doesn't?

If you actually like this woman and get along with her, isn't that enough? Besides, with age, one would hope, comes wisdom.

[shes2smart]

Thanks for clarifying. It really does put things in a much different light.

 

Life throws some difficult situations at us and many, many things are not in our control. One thing that is always in control is our attitude and the way we choose to view things...and that can make all the difference in the world.

 

There are women who find themselves in similiar situations as your friend did -- wanting children but not being able to have them -- that find other, healthier ways to deal with their grief and loss of what might've been. While it may always be a source of sadness for them, they learn to channel that energy in other ways and deal with what is. Not every woman who wanted children and is unable to have them is going to be an emotional wreck. If she's dealt with the trauma - via counseling, for example - it may not be a favorite thing to talk about, but it won't preclude her from having a reasonably happy, emotionally healthy life.

 

Your friend had other options, although she may not have been able to see them or she may not have been willing to consider them. Sometimes people get so focused on something and think there's only one way it can come about (or they're insistant that it happen the way they think it should) that their vision, and thereforeeee their options, become limited. This sort of thought pattern can cause people to become inconsolably depressed over time.

 

As I've watched events unfold in my own life and the lives of those around me, I become more and more firm in my belief that it is not what happens to us....it is the attitude we bring to those events and how we choose to percieve those events that determine if they're good or bad...and, ultimately, determine our overall satisfaction or dissatisfaction with our lives.

[rootcause43]

based upon your clarification, go ahead and pursue (unless you want to have kids, of course).

[Fritz The Cat]

Nope, no kids. Already got some, don't need anymore. We're supposed to meet for coffee this evening if nothing comes up. This is yet another blind encounter. I have no idea what she looks like. You'd think that as many times as I've done this, it would be easy but it's not. First time meetings will always be scary.

[Jeen]

Fritz As long as you never run into me your safe, yes the number of persons with emotional problems will increase as you look to older persons but it should never scare you of, for what is sanity. We all have our little things in life that define as and the older we get the clearer this becomes, and in many ways we get to enjoy life more.

 

Just enjoy it.

[rocio]

the coolest woman I've ever met is my great aunt in holland. she's 90 and she is honestly the coolest person I've ever known. never been married or had kids because there was a shortage of men after the war. she likes techno music, she's lived in south america and indonesia, she follows soccer, she knows more about what's happening in the world than anyone else i know... I wonder if she'd be that cool if she'd gotten married and had kids?

[Fritz The Cat]

Fritz As long as you never run into me your safe, yes the number of persons with emotional problems will increase as you look to older persons but it should never scare you of, for what is sanity. We all have our little things in life that define as and the older we get the clearer this becomes, and in many ways we get to enjoy life more.

 

Just enjoy it.

 

Really? What would happen if I ran into you?

 

just curious.

[Psylocke]

I'm 38 and knew early on (in my early teens) that I didn't want children. I don't think I'm crazy.. yet.. still working on that one. Everyone makes their own choice in life and starting a family is a huge giagantic responsiblity I never felt I could handle properly. I don't think we are emotionally damaged, but emotionally smart in understanding what we want out of life.

 

Those that want children and cannot have them are in a very tough situation. I had a friend that was told she couldn't have kids but did get pregnant three times, only to miscarry each one. She did finally have a child only to want another. She ended up jumping into bed with every man she went out with. I think she is emotionally unbalanced and trying to pursue some elusive void in her life.

[Jeen]

Really? What would happen if I ran into you?

 

just curious.

 

 

 

You may have to come and post again here on eNA, for I am a little crazy at times.